Evanescent
Chapter 9
Okay, I think I'm gonna change the title of this cuz I seriously hate the title Alone. I only named it that cuz I wanted to post it and couldn't think of a better title. So I'm pretty sure I'm gonna change the title to Evanescent (if you're like Becca and wondering why I'd make that the title, the meaning of the word evanescent is vanishing from notice…). So I just thought I'd tell you ahead of time so I don't completely confuse the crap out of all of you, lol. And to all of you who got what there was to get at the end of the last chapter, thank you, lol. Becca was like "no one's gonna get that" but you people did, so thank you for proving her wrong. And if you didn't get it, read the first paragraph of chapter 6 and then the last part of the chapter 8…and if you still don't get it, read the reviews of the people that did get it or e-mail me or something, lol. And, yes, I do realize that life half of my fics aren't actually fics, it's the story of my life. I'm glad you find it amusing…I have to write something funny or else I'd go insane from all these sad, angsty fics. So, speaking of that, funny story. At like 12:30 last night, I decide to clean out a drawer in my dresser cuz it won't shut so it was bugging. No big deal, right? Yeah, well since I clean out one drawer, I clean out the next one, too…and pretty soon my entire dresser. And then, since my dresser is all clean and organized, I get this urge to clean out my closet…so I end up cleaning out my entire closet too, lol…turns out there's a floor in there…hey, who knew…so it was a little before 3 before I finally got to bed…and Becca says I 'm compulsive like Monica *scoffs* Anybody else see it?
I stand with a blank expression now
I can't believe myself
Would someone tell me
How did I get here
(Anchor, Lifehouse)
Chandler squeezed her hand once again, hoping that she'd look back up. Monica slowly did look back up to him, again meeting his gaze, though now the questions once again ran through her mind.
But they both still had yet to speak
~*~
I know what she's thinking, what she's wondering. I saw the change in her expression when she looked down, realization hitting her. I know the cause of the change in the look on her face.
After all, I am that reason.
The only thing is…I don't know the answers to the questions that are inevitably running through her mind. Because I don't even know what I'm thinking. I just…I don't know.
And I'm so completely lost that I don't even know where to begin with myself, let alone where to begin with her.
~*~
Chandler swallowed, wetting his lips as he took a deep breath, willing himself to speak, trying to find his voice.
"I don't know," he finally whispered.
"What?" Monica wrinkled her forehead. Had she asked a question out loud without realizing it?
"I don't know," he repeated. "I don't know how I got here, how I got to this point in time, this point in my life…I just…I don't know," he looked down, about to laugh or cry, he wasn't sure which, but too ashamed to hold eye contact.
"Chandler," Monica finally said softly. "Chandler," she repeated when he didn't look up the first time. "I'm sorry…"
"For what?"
"For yelling at you, for our fight…for leaving when I knew I should've stayed…" she trailed off.
"You have nothing to be sorry for," he looked her in the eye. " I yelled first, I started it, and I would've left, too, if I were you," he replied softly, praying that the tears in her eyes wouldn't turn to crying, not sure that he could handle that.
"I'm still sorry…"
"Oh, Mon. Come here," he held his arms out to her, and she immediately accepted, sitting on the edge of the bed, allowing him to wrap his arms around her. She clung to him, burying her face in his chest, hating herself for crying again. "Don't for a second blame yourself," he finally whispered into her hair before kissing her, closing his eyes, clinging to her as tightly as she was clinging to him.
~*~
I fucked up. Once again, fucked up. Like I said before, story of my life.
But I don't actually remember making the conscious decision and running the blade across my wrists. I don't remember that. I do remember hesitating, though, almost not doing it.
And Monica blames herself, thinks that she's the reason. But, seriously, she couldn't be more wrong.
She was my moment of hesitation.
I don't know why it was her, but she was it. She was the reason that I hesitated. All of a sudden, I saw her, the hurt look on her face when I yelled at her. I seriously don't think I've ever actually yelled at her before, and I knew that it must've hurt like hell. And then I remembered the look on her face when I said I'd go to the hockey game with her, the feel of her lips against mine when she kissed me before leaving. And just…everything about her.
She was my last coherent thought.
And I know that I owe explanations to other people, that I have other friends to talk to, doctors...all that good stuff that arrives after your moment of weakness passes. But I just-I can't let go of her right now. I don't know why, I just…can't. I-I need her.
And that thought scares the shit out of me.
I actually need someone.
Tbc…
Updating that soon make up for the short chapters? Sfgrl-you can update now :-D And the rest of you can review…and remember that I'm gonna change the title, lol. Evanescent…
