Evanescent
Chapter 13
Why, right after you paint your nails do you always have to go to the bathroom? I mean, seriously, always. Ergh. Maybe it's just me cuz I'm such a horrible person. And I am a horrible horrible person cuz I…I stood a guy up. And not only that but…on his birthday *looks down in shame*. Seriously, I'm a horrible person. But if you knew the reason I didn't go, it doesn't make me look quite as bad. But I still look pretty damn horrible. I blew the poor, cute, blond hair, blue-eyed guy off on his birthday. *sighs* Oh, and Becca-we scare Allie *grins*
Don't be fooled by me
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks
Masks that I'm afraid to take off
And none of them are me
Pretending is an art that's second nature to me
But don't be fooled
For God's sake, don't be fooled
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled
Within as well as without
That confidence is my name and coolness my game
That the water's calm and I'm in command
And that I need no one
But don't believe me
The surface may seem smooth
But my surface is my mask
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness
But I hide this
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind
A nonchalant, sophisticated façade to help me pretend
To shield me from the glance that knows
But such a glance is precisely my salvation
(Please Hear What I'm Not Saying, Author Unknown)
You hide in the shadows for so long, you inevitably become a part of them. You blend into the shadows that linger, leaving a distorted image of what's really there, not really meaning anything to anyone, but there nonetheless. Just…there. There for people to walk all over, walk through, take refuge in, seek comfort in…but only momentarily. Then they return to their lives. But the shadow remains. It may not matter, but it is still there. It only distorts the true image, not destroy it completely.
But it's still there.
And that's me. Hiding, lingering. No one quite sees the real me, only a distorted image of what is really there. I'm not me. I mean, I am, but…I'm not. I'm not who everyone sees. I've built a wall so fucking thick that no one can break it down, let alone see through it. No one can get in. And it's not that I don't want them to, it's just…subconscious. I've been hurt so many times, lied to, cheated, taken advantage of…After awhile, it's like fuck it, why let someone in only to get hurt?
So I hide behind sarcasm and a quick wit. I hide behind the jokes and the making everyone laugh; I use it to keep them at a distance. You don't let them in, you don't get close, and you can't get hurt.
But I've never really been called on it before. I mean, sort of, but not by anyone who matters enough to me for me to actually listen. But…it's true. And I'm just now letting myself realize that it's true. And I'm not really sure what to do…whether to laugh or cry or kiss her. But…it's true.
And I have a feeling that she just saved me more by saying that than Joey did by picking up the phone and dialing 911.
~*~
Once inside, they just sat in silence, neither one knowing what to say, where to begin. Everyone else had left, assuming that Chandler wanted to be alone, and it was now dead silence. But not as awkward of a silence as it had been lately. It was still awkward, just not as much.
Chandler finally looked up, feeling Monica's eyes on him still, and he smiled slightly. "You're so right by everything that you just said that I don't even know where to begin…"
"Begin with what?"
"Everything…nothing…" he trailed off, shrugging.
"What? Chandler, you're not making any sense…"
"Because it doesn't make sense."
"What doesn't?"
"Anything," he smiled at her, and she continued to stare back in confusion. "But…you were right. When you said that I hide…behind the sarcasm and jokes…and I just…I feel like I've been hiding for so long that…no one knows me…"
"We know you…"
"Not really, though," he sighed, standing up and beginning to pace. "I mean, you do better than most people, but this is just another reason that I don't let people in. Ross lied to me. He didn't even tell me he was getting married! I mean, he's one of my best friends, he has been for over ten years and he doesn't even have the courtesy to tell me that he's getting married! And I trusted him…maybe too much. That's what I get for trusting someone, I guess. And that's why you scare me to death…"
"I scare you?"
"Not you scare me, but…" he sighed, stopping in place. "I need you…and I can't let myself need you because I'll just get hurt…and I trust you so completely that it scares the shit out of me and I don't know why."
"It scares you that you trust me or that you'll get hurt?"
"Both, I guess…"
"Chandler, I swear to God, I'll never hurt you," she walked over to where he was standing, looking him in the eye.
"And that's what everyone says," he replied evenly, and Monica looked down, hurt. Chandler sighed. "I didn't mean to offend you by that, it's just…true…"
"But, Chandler, you don't even have a chance of not getting hurt if you don't give people the chance to not hurt you."
"But I have," he looked her in the eye, and it was then that it clicked. Kathy. That was why she was the last straw for him. He'd loved her. He'd trusted her. He'd given her his heart, and she'd broken it.
And Ross. He really had trusted Ross, whether he'd realized it or not, and he'd just broken that trust. And she knew that it wouldn't take much more than one wrong word at the moment for her to do the same, to completely lose him. And she couldn't take that. He was still barely speaking to anyone else. More so since he'd come home, but it still wasn't the same. But he would talk to her, though. And he'd just admitted that he needed her, that he trusted her.
And she had no clue what he wanted in response.
So she kissed him. A soft kiss on the lips that lasted only a moment too long, and before he could process it, she wrapped her arms around his neck in a tight hug. And he hugged back. Holding her, clinging to her, needing her more than he'd ever admit… But then it hit him.
He had just admitted it.
But maybe…maybe that was okay.
Tbc…
Yeah, I'm trying really hard to wrap this up…my computer's broke right now, but I'll try to get the next part up soon, if I have the chance. And, um…this is dedicated to my "Monica" ;)
