The Fun of Playing Go (part 4)
(disclaimers and stuff : see part 1)
The streets lights were already on when Akira got out of the building. The few people to be seen around were hurrying to go home and the young pro knew he had to do the same, as he had told his mother that he would be back for dinner tonight. A cool breeze was caressing his black hair.
"There at last ! What took you so long ?"
Akira turned on his heels to face Hikaru, leaning against the wall next to the building's entrance.
"Oh, you were waiting for me..."
Hikaru put on his backpack and walked away without answering, so Akira had nothing better to do than tag along. They remained silent for a while. Hikaru was keeping a stern look. Then he burst :
"What's with you earlier ?"
"What ?"
"That scene you made in front of everybody."
"When I called Kawai-san a thief ? It was-"
"It's not about that !" Hikaru shouted.
"What then ?" Akira shouted too.
"Just after Kawai-san arrived. Those words you spoke." Hikaru said, articulating his own.
Akira was puzzled. What was with him ?
"What ? You were taunting me in front of everybody, of course it was getting on my nerves, so I lost temper !"
"Yeah, you lost temper and it made you speak more than you intended." Hikaru retorted harshly.
"I don't see what you mean."
"Too bad, cos I see what you meant only too clearly !"
Akira stopped to face him.
"I don't understand you at all, Shindo ! Will you stop beating about the bush and tell me clearly what's your problem ?"
"I won't lose to that Shindo !" Hikaru screamed. "That's my problem, or rather it's yours !" His voice was shaking. "So losing to me is such a shame ?"
"That's not what I mea-" Akira began, but Hikaru cut him off immediatly.
"Yes you meant it ! Those eyes you had when you said that ! And it's not the first time !"
"What ?"
Akira was overwhelmed by the flow of Hikaru's catharsis. He had thought that his rival's sulkiness was just caused by his disappointment at failing to win the game, but now it looked more like he had hurt Shindo in a way or another, and the teenager pro was now freeing all his resent.
"... all the times you openly ignored me or turned away from me ! Waya was right, I had doubts before, but now it's obvious. You've never considered me your rival, you've never considered me a worthy opponent, in spite of all the games I've played against you !"
"Shin-"
"Of course, you had to recognize that I've been growing in strength, going so far as to become a pro just like you ! And that's what you couldn't swallow ! That one day people may compare you with that Shindo, that stupid jerk from Haze Junior Hi-"
"SHUT UP !"
Hikaru stopped dead, out of breath. Akira had stepped right in Hikaru's way, clenching his fists as if he was ready to fight. His eyes had again their deadly fire, but there was also some pain in them.
"You... You've got no right to say such things ! It's not true, it never was true !"
Though it may not have been entirely false, an irritating voice of guilt whispered in his mind.
"But you said it." Hikaru retorted, inflexible.
"You were making fun of me in front of everybody !" Akira protested.
"I was just teasing you, you're always so uptight ! But you, you insulted me, in front of everybody !" Hikaru yelled, withstanding Akira's stare. "I can't stand being despised, Touya, I can't stand it !"
"I can't either." Akira replied.
They were both standing still, oblivious to the curious by-passers, facing each other steadily, trying to read each other's mind.
"So you don't despise me ?" Hikaru asked, in a more than skeptical tone.
"I don't".
Hikaru made a few steps as if to resume his homeward walk, then turned again to Akira.
"But to make such a blunder in the game, you really must have underestimated me. I wouldn't have caught Waya or Fuku with that !"
Akira flushed. There was no point denying it.
"I... I had a moment of distraction, I missed it."
"You ?" Hikaru shrugged. "I can't believe it at all. It's not you !"
Akira looked down.
"You're right, it's not me. Because of that, I was angry against myself afterwards, and I... I was not acting normally. But" and he held Hikaru's gaze, "never say again that I despise you because of what you are or where you're from, that's not me either ! I've already told you, you are the Go you play, and that's enough for me."
Nothing on Hikaru's inscrutable face let Akira suppose that his rival in doubt was convinced in any way.
"Believe me, Shindo. I wouldn't spend so much time playing against you if it was not worth it. And it is. It really is. I didn't lie to the owner when he asked me how close you were to my level."
He gulped.
"You are my true rival, and... I hope I'll remain yours."
Akira held his breath. He did not mean to tell all that, but Hikaru's accusation weighed heavily on his heart, and he had the urge to open it just for this time.
Hikaru remained speechless. His olive green eyes were sparkling. Even in his most daring fantasies, he wouldn't have dreamed of such an acknowledgement from Touya.
"But you won't lose to me ?" he asked in a uncertain voice.
Akira displayed a weak smile.
"I wish I could lose again to the Shindo I met for the first time in father's salon. That's what I meant."
But to his surprise, it did not make Hikaru happier at all, on the contrary. The boy looked down, seemingly at loss.
"So you're still chasing Sai..."
Hikaru walked away sadly. Akira just stood on the spot, unable to believe his own ears.
"You're still chasing Sai..."
For the first time since they played their first pro game against each other, Shindo had deliberately spoken Sai's name.
Sai, the mysterious internet player who would crush every single one of his
opponents, including Akira and his father.
Sai, whose connection with Shindo Akira had guessed for long, even before Ogata
told him about.
Sai who beated Akira the first time Akira met Shindo, as Shindo himself
seemed to mean it.
Sai, who was one with Shindo.
Yet was not ?
Akira blinked. The tsumego was dancing crazily in his mind, shining with the new stone Shindo had just added, but it did not make more sense than before.
Raising his eyes, Akira realized that Shindo had already reached the subway station entrance. He ran after him and caught him up on the escalator. As it was taking them both downwards, all the questions Akira was dying to ask were crowding in, but none of them went past his throat. Judging from Hikaru's miserable look, he knew that he would get no answer to them. His main concern now was that he had hurt his fellow player again, and he didn't know what to say. He was just standing awkwardly at his side and remained quiet until they got onto the near deserted platform.
"Of course I am..." Akira said softly. "You aren't ?"
Slowly, Hikaru emerged from his dark thoughts to consider Touya's question.
"Me, chasing Sai ?"
He showed a disenchanted smile, as if the very idea was pure nonsense to him.
"I'm not even done with you, Touya."
Akira gazed at him intently.
"You mean you're still chasing me ?"
"You hadn't noticed ?" Hikaru sneered. "I've been chasing you since you turned your back on me at the Junior High summer tournament. And I'll keep on chasing you till I can beat you at last."
"Then you can't be my rival."
The words were short and clear. Hikaru raised some incredulous eyes.
"What ?!"
Akira smiled.
"Shindo, being my rival means you aim at the same goal I pursue. So what's the point of chasing me any more ? Do you think I'm chasing myself ? Of course not. I always look up at Tou-san's heights... and Sai's."
That made Hikaru all pensive.
"I need to chase Sai..." he whispered thoughtfully.
"You need to surpass him !" Akira said earnestly. "Just as I will surpass my father. My goal is the Kami no itte, nothing less !"
Akira's words left Hikaru thunderstruck.
To chase and surpass Sai !
That was quite a challenge. A part of him knew that Akira was right, that
it was the only reasonable way to deal with the past and the future. Moreover,
it might be fun.
But his heart was not ready to accept it, still bleeding from the sudden separation
that occured just a few months ago.
Isn't it like killing him again ?
"I don't think Father will hate me for that, since we share the same ideal." Akira added as if to encourage his partner. "If... Sai is seeking the Hand of God too..."
He didn't finish. Hikaru seemed close to tears.
"He was..." the young pro croaked.
Then he shook his head vigorously, running a quick hand under his brows. He took a deep breath and looked gravely at Akira.
"But Sai's gone, Touya." he said firmly. "He's gone. There's just me."
Akira let the words impregnate his mind. That was another stone added to the tsumego, and if he was still unable to solve the crux of the mystery, now he could bring out some of its present consequences.
Whoever Sai may have been, according to Shindo, he won't come back.
That truth was hard to hear. Akira would have given anything to play the hidden
genius once more.
But it was the truth. Shindo was not lying, his sorrow when talking about Sai
was all too obvious. And too obvious was also his desire.
He is longing for my acknowledgement. Shindo wants to be recognized not for the Sai that exists or may have existed in him, but for himself and only for himself.
That desire Akira could understand he had struggled enough - was still struggling - to escape his father's shadow and make his given name known in the Go world.
Shindo Hikaru, so different, we are alike.
"It's ok. I'll play you."
It took a while for Hikaru to realize two things.
First, the meaning of what Touya had just said.
Second, that Touya was positively smiling at him. Not an ironic or paternalistic
grin.
Before his eyes was standing an older version of the Touya Akira he had met
the first time in Meijin's club : warm, open, welcoming, free of any prejudice
against the hyperactive brat facing him. The Touya Akira he had almost forgotten
through their fierce rivalry was always there, and he was holding out his hand.
Hikaru realized a third thing, how unjust he had been to Akira earlier. But the clouds of pride that had darkened their hearts were now dispelled for a moment.
He stepped forward and took hold of the offered hand.
"Thank you."
In a deafening roar, the coming subway train slowed down and stopped.
(to be continued once more !)
[NOTES :]
That was for the "angst" part... As you've seen, there was no need to worry about, and humor is back in the next (and last) chapter.
Thank you Mewmeow and Akujunkan for pointing out my mistakes, I've edited the previous parts and will keep on reading them over. I'm a damn perfectionist, you know ? ^^
Eowyn : thanks for the owner's name, I need to see this wonderful guide ! I won't edit the story on this, though.
Pan-chan : you won an "especially" for your kind support since the
beginning, plus your last review is totally reviewy, so don't feel bad.^^ Akira
forced the draw, yes, he would have lost otherwise ! I wanted him to get
into a difficult situation, not because of the unusual place and people, but
because of his own feelings toward his rival.
Which brings us to the AkiHika question and gives me the opportunity to dot
the "ai". ;)
I may disappoint you on this but I have no intention to make this story shounen
ai - not to speak of yaoi. Certainly, the relation between Akira and Hikaru
is intense, I won't deny it, yet to me it doesn't imply more than "just"
friendship, which is already a lot. There are great friendships that make great
stories without the need of additional spice. I think Hikaru no Go is
one of these, in spite of all the bishounizing Obata-sama has done toward the
end (of course Hikago is not the first manga by far to tell about friendship,
but it's great anyway !).
Now don't feel bad if you are a strong yaoi fan, I won't despise you for that ! Some yaoi fanfics here are very well written and funny to read, it's just I can't imagine our two champions kissing : if they tried, I'm sure their egoes would make them bounce off each other more effectively than if they were both wearing glasses... :D
Lita : well, I side with you ;) Friendship is no less important than love, friendship is love, one of the sweetest among its countless flavours. Did I take good care of your beloved hero ? I just wanted to play a bit with him and Kawai... ^^
Thanks to everybody, I'll try not to make you wait too long for the ending !
Valerien
