A/N – Just out of curiosity, I was searching for my characters' names on Google. Eventually I decided to search for Mandy Farrell – take a look at this - http://www.alfordsmith.co.uk/mandy_farrell.htm
Mwahaha!
Also I found this… a 'Mandy Farrell' features in a Hanson fic (eurgh…) but a photo of this star was so generously included - http://www.angelfire.com/stars/fanfic2000/characterpics2.html
Erm… apologies to any Sirius fans… I do love him, honestly! Just he doesn't love poor Severus.
Chapter 8 - Changes Inside and Out
"The Devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendour. 'All this I will give you,' he said, 'If you bow down and worship me.' " – Matthew 4:8-9
"Fifty points from Gryffindor, and Mr. Black I can assure you, if it had not been for Mr. Potter's courage, the consequences would be much more serious. You would be expelled instead of on detention for the rest of term – and yet you would be lucky compared to what could have happened to Mr. Snape."
"Yes Professor Dumbledore – I understand." Sirius looked gaunt, pale – and almost as if he'd been crying. James was sitting between Sirius and Severus, and his anger had faded into an air of depression. Severus wasn't even looking up – he was staring at the wood pattern of the desk, wondering how Sirius could hate him so much. And thinking that detention for the last few days of term was seriously getting off lightly.
Dumbledore sighed, and dismissed Sirius to go to do detention with Filch, and Sirius trailed off like a dog with its tail between its legs. James looked pained, and Severus wondered how he could feel sympathetic at all. He didn't feel like he would ever trust anyone ever again.
Dumbledore was speaking to James now – something about being a credit to his house. Eventually, James too was allowed to leave.
"Severus?"
He looked up, to see the wide, earnest eyes of his headmaster looking at his.
"Yes Headmaster?"
"Do you realise what happened?" His voice was soft, sympathetic, concerned. Severus's reply was cold – but then his heart felt like ice.
"Yes, Headmaster."
Dumbledore sighed again. "Do you think you'll be all right? Would you like to visit the Hospital Wing?"
"I'll be fine." It came out stiff, and didn't even have his customary 'Headmaster' attached to it. Dumbledore's voice seemed like a echo from a distant shore.
"Severus – I must ask you not to tell anyone what happened…"
"Because of Remus?"
"Yes – Mr. Lupin is an exemplary pupil – his lycanthropy is so unfortunate."
"He didn't even tell me." This was soft, thoughtful. He wasn't talking to Dumbledore, but himself.
He couldn't trust me – he suspected me of being the spy too. They all did. Did he really think I'd spread that news around? I thought he was my friend.
"Werewolves are used to being misunderstood, Severus."
"Of course – no I won't tell anyone."
"If you want to talk – with Professor Flitwick perhaps…"
"I'll be fine."
Dumbledore looked sad at these words, instead of reassured.
"Very well," he said, sounding tired. "I don't believe Remus told many people – not even your friend Miss Farrell."
A quick glance – and Severus wondered if Dumbledore knew about the late night meeting.
"If you ever need to talk about it…"
"I'll ask."
Dumbledore frowned.
"Please don't hesitate to."
"May I go now, sir?"
"Yes – of course."
*
Don't tell anyone? How am I supposed to keep that promise? Geoff and Richard were playing chess. Geoff looked like he was winning, and had just castled his king.
"Hey Sev…"
"Hey." Richard looked up. "What's wrong? Sirius being an arse again?"
"You could say that…"
"As usual," Geoff said. "Don't let it bother you. His bark's worse than his bite."
Severus groaned painfully. Sirius, as far as he knew, didn't have a bark or a bite. But he knew someone who did.
"I'm… going for a walk."
"Seeya mate…"
He sighed, and walked away. Would they ever understand? He walked to the library. The 'Marauders' weren't there, thankfully, but Selina was huddled up with a friend, revising for Transfiguration. He waved, but his little sister wasn't exactly a refuge in times of trouble.
Olivia Kimmel, browsing the Potions shelves – If only.
Mandy was with her gaggle of Hufflepuff friends again. Laughing and joking over The Teenage Witch and looking content, the pile of dusty books barely touched.
"Hey, Severus!" she called, and he called a greeting back, earning a look from the librarian. But he didn't belong there. That night he had spent in deep conversation with her seemed like a dream.
After some reflection, he decided to go back to the Whomping Willow. Remus wouldn't be there now – he just wanted to see it in daylight.
The tunnel was cold, and a little wet. It was quiet, but not menacingly, tensely silent, like the night before. At the end of the tunnel was the Shrieking Shack, just as Sirius had said.
Severus was slowly beginning to understand. The Shrieking Shack wasn't haunted at all – it was a place for Remus to be during the transformation. The place looked awful, the furniture ripped, the walls scratched. This was what gentle Remus became… He felt disgust, betrayal. How could Remus become this?
The door was locked but an Alohomora charm made short work of that, and then he was out in Hogsmeade. Students weren't supposed to be out here at lunchtimes, but he couldn't care less at the moment. With his black cloak on even in this heat, he didn't look like a student, just a young man with things on his mind.
At a loss for places to go in the village, he wandered up to the Hog's Head – it was slightly rougher than the Three Broomsticks, but no one knew him there. He could probably get away with asking for alcohol, but he decided against it. He didn't want to get drunk… he just wanted to escape.
Even at this hour, the pub was packed with people – warlocks and hags intermingled, and Severus had to shout to be heard. There was a quality a voice needed to be heard in places like this, Severus's voice always came out seeming strangely muffled. The place was hot, sweaty and uncomfortable, but it was distracting. He was watching two men square up for a duel, a man with brown hair who looked furious, and a white-blond man who was laughing. He looked again – the white-blond man was Lucius Malfoy.
He watched the duel with grim interest. The staff didn't bother trying to intervene, and he could understand why, knowing Malfoy.
A small crowd gathered around them – Malfoy's opponent threw a few curses which he blocked easily, and then Malfoy said, genteelly (which was frightening), "Constrictus."
His opponent looked like he was being strangled. It was horrible, watching him gag for breath, dropping his wand, and whispering out words that begged for mercy. Severus remembered that day on the Hogwarts Express, when he'd been trying to calm Peter's cat and the way Malfoy had looked then.
He remembered the ghost of envy he'd felt.
Now, the envy was clearer, Slytherin green and deadly. It was not with disgust or horror that he watched the gagging man, but a sick fascination. An addictive treat with a bitter taste…
Malfoy raised his wand, and his opponent fell to the floor, gasping. The white-blond man turned away, and nonchalantly went up to order a drink.
"Malfoy."
Severus hadn't quite meant to say it aloud, but he had, and miraculously, loud enough for Malfoy to hear. He turned.
"Yes?"
His tone was uninterested, his face held no recognition. It was hard to believe Barry Farrell, Mandy's gregarious younger brother, was in any way related to him.
"You're a Death Eater, aren't you."
That shouldn't have come out either, not quite great conversation. Do you serve You-Know-Who? Just wondering. We should talk about that, sounds fascinating.
Malfoy looked back at him, interested now. "Yes I am. And you are?"
"Severus Snape."
Malfoy looked thoughtful. He frowned. "The Hufflepuff Seeker?"
"Ravenclaw."
"Close enough. So what are you going to do about it, Severus Snape?"
"I just – wondered why, that's all."
He smirked. "Listen – Severus. There is no good and evil. There's only power and those to weak to seek it. Understand?"
Severus felt numb – the frostbite had spread, evidently. He nodded. "Yes, I know."
"And?"
"Nothing."
Everything seemed like it was a million miles away. Severus sipped his drink with no awareness that it had even gone down, looked at Malfoy like he was a photograph, or a character in a play. Friends betray… teachers misjudge… the evil win… no good or evil, only power. Only power.
"What if I said I'd like to join you?"
Malfoy's face split into derisive amusement. "Can you Apparate?"
Severus stared at him, suspiciously. "You don't get your license until the end of school. You were serving… Voldemort… before you had left Hogwarts."
"I didn't ask if you had a license, Snapey, I asked if you could Apparate. Avery could Apparate when he was in the third year. Not bad, although I could do it practically from birth anyway."
"We're being taught how…" Severus said. "But it's unsafe without proper supervision…"
What a stupid thing to say. Like he cares.
"Oh, really? Perhaps you'd like to run back to school now, playtime's almost over."
"I can Apparate," he said, sounding more sure of himself now. "What do you want me to do?"
"Now that's more like it… Come with me. Unless you don't want to be late for lessons, of course."
"I'll be fine." Severus's tone was hostile, but it made Malfoy seem even more amused. "All right then, come on."
Outside behind the pub, Malfoy said, "It's called Ahriman Manor." He didn't say anything more – this was not going to be like Flitwick, who would give you half-a-dozen clues to follow. Severus had to do it blind, risking ending up lost or even destroying himself when he magically attempted to send himself to an amalglamation of places.
Concentrate, Severus, concentrate.
He was tempted to allow his imagination to run wild, imagining Ahriman Manor. Imagining was usually a safe technique as far as Flitwick was concerned, because you were only Apparating to places you knew. Some people never Apparated to places they didn't know, and if it was done at all, it should be tentatively. He couldn't allow himself to imagine a background for the name – he might find himself in some place that imagination, or no place at all. He just had to concentrate on the name itself.
Ahriman Manor, Ahriman Manor, Ahriman Manor.
A bleak Gothic building, covered in ivy. In his mind's eye, Severus was drawn in, through the huge gates, rushed up dark corridors, lit by torches, into a room. A figure – a face – glowing red eyes. Something barely human… It was right in front of him, closer and closer.
"Come… my servant…"
A voice that ripped into his soul, inexpressible fear, flight, something seizing hold of him. A hunger for whatever it was, a fierce desire for what laid in front of him, a yearning for that which he hated. He screamed and the whole world shattered around him, tumbling…
*
He was lying on the ground, on grass, screaming and bawling his eyes out. The amusement from Malfoy's eyes was gone, but he was not looking at Severus, but ahead to the mansion that was casting its shadow onto the earth. Severus struggled to his feet, ashamed, but disturbed.
"Apparition… is not… meant to happen like that…" His face was wet with grass and tears, all his limbs aching with immense pain, as if he had crawled on them for a hundred miles.
"Get used to it," Malfoy snapped.
"I saw…"
"Follow me."
He marched on, into the doors and up the stairs, and Severus, still weak, struggled to keep up. On and on Malfoy went, until at last they came to a room. Severus shivered, although the place seemed empty, he kept feeling that something else was there, that invisible creatures walked around him all the time.
"Wait here," Malfoy intoned.
He left Severus in the corridor, and went in. Severus barely heard the converstion, before Malfoy was urging him in.
"Lord Voldemort will see you now."
He saw a man who was more than a man, a man who had absorbed so many dark powers he no longer looked human.
He saw a power he desired, longed for. He saw a future where he was never again afraid, never more mocked or rejected.
He saw a time where he did whatever he liked.
"All – all will be yours. All riches, all power; fame and servants, subjects and admirers. All will be yours."
Severus kneeled, and bowed his head. This was where he belonged, this was who he served. "Master…"
*
He missed his afternoon lessons – Professor Bulwark had not been particularly impressed, but Professor Flitwick waived any punishment, and left him alone. In his dormitory, reading a book, Severus felt he was looking at Hogwarts with new eyes. It had been his home of sorts, both hospitable and discomfiting. Now it was just a shell, no longer home, but no longer with a hold on him either. He wondered if this was the fulfillment of the Riddikulus spell he had cast on his Boggart in the first week of term – this.
He felt strangely quiet during Potions the next day, preparing the Polyjuice with a kind of relaxed ease. His partner was Geoff, as usual, and they swapped hairs.
"Are you all right, Sev? You're not saying much."
"Never been better," Severus said, with an odd smile.
It had been a fun lesson, in a way. It had been interesting wandering around in Geoff's body for an hour, although Geoff wanted to try out Severus's body on a broomstick, so they'd flown around for a bit. Severus wasn't so agile, but he could still fly much better than Geoff, who was enjoying the experience none the less. Lily and James had decided to use each other's hair, getting huge laughs when the new 'James' had giggled in a most unusual fashion and run to the boy's toilets, leaving 'Lily' sighing, to look at Sirius as Peter, Peter as Remus, and Remus as Sirius. Olivia, having swapped with another Ravenclaw girl, was a little unsettling looking like someone else, yet still giving that same enchanting look. Severus wasn't sure if it was just because he knew, but in his eyes, the other girl's body looked prettier on Olivia than it did on her.
But he didn't sweat when he saw her, nor did he get goosebumps. Not anymore – he'd get her in the end. He'd get everything he wanted.
*
He was in the toilets, looking at Geoff's body gradually turn back into his. Geoff wasn't bad looking, but Severus's face looked better with his own poker expression.
Peter came in. Without his customary smile, and a strange awkwardness, Severus looked again realised that it wasn't Peter after all. Peter not being good at Potions, his own potion had probably worn off by now, but that didn't mean that the one in his body wasn't still around.
"Hello Sirius."
His voice was falsely friendly, but all the nervousness had gone. Sirius was not in control anymore.
"Hello Severus."
It was true – Sirius's voice had the nervousness he had lost. Severus was going to enjoy this.
"Look, Severus, I…"
"What?" Feigning innocence, his Geoffrey/Severus expression unnerved Sirius/Peter even more. Sirius looked to the mirror, and examined it with false meticulousness. "I've been an arse. A total arse for the past week."
"I noticed." Not hard – not condemning. Light, neutral, perfectly calculated to extend this apology to its full extent.
"I can't believe… The other night I wasn't thinking straight. I was still angry at what you'd said."
"Well…" Severus leaned back onto a sink, supporting himself into a relaxed pose. "I suppose that's to be expected. It's not like you'd provoked me, is it?" No hostility, just pure irony. It tasted sweet.
"I'm really sorry Severus – really sorry."
How amusing… Sirius is apologising. "That's good. I really should get back to Ravenclaw now. See you at dinner."
Oh, the perfection of it. Sirius wouldn't know what to make of it. He could have taken another outburst, but he wouldn't understand this. He would just have to get used to the fact that he was no longer either a friend or an enemy in Severus's life. He was nothing.
***
A/N - Thanks to Rugi and Gwena for your review (yes, the only review I got last chapter… hint hint :-) ). Go and read Tough Guide to Harry Potter (click on Rugi and Gwena in the review, or on my favourite stories… I order you :-)
A/N2 - That chapter was not particularly nice to write. Enjoyable, yes, but in a nasty sort of way…
A/N3 - I've worked it out, and there are about five chapters left. Maybe six, but probably just five.
A/N4 - I owe David Eddings, the Tamuli, for the problems of getting somewhere by Apparition. Well, partly, I made up a lot of that stuff too :-)
A/N5 - Lily, having taken James's body, was going to find out what every girl I know would do if they had a male body…
A/N6 - Ahriman is 'The Evil Principle or Being of the ancient Persians; the Prince of Darkness as opposer to Ormuzd, the King of Light. ' according to Dictionary.com
