Hogwarts Friends, Hogwarts Enemies

Chapter 9 – Empty Soul, Broken Heart

"Now o'er the one halfworld / Nature seems dead, and wicked dreams abuse / The curtain'd sleep" - Macbeth

Severus spent his summer holidays reading and researching, becoming a recluse in his own house, a hermit in his bedroom. Selina was apt to make the occasional ironic remark about how little of him she was seeing, but she was far too involved in visiting her friends to really mind what he was doing.

"Someone might think you're up to something," she teased, and their mother gently scolded her for being cheeky, sure that her son was preparing especially hard for his N.E.W.T.s.

N.E.W.T.s were in fact the last thing on Severus's mind. Of course, he wanted to pass, but only out of some sense of personal pride. He was more concerned in excelling as the Dark Lord's servant – he had been to several meetings this summer, and undertaken missions in gathering information, and he had done so alongside Slytherins who were his own age – Avery, Nott, McNair, Rosier. They were resentful and fiercely jealous of him, feeling he had somehow usurped their birthright as Slytherins. He didn't care – actually, he found it amusing. The Slytherins were over-confident, incompetent toadies, who thought that their Master would accept them for how they were, simply by virtue of being Slytherin. But the Dark Lord was not Albus Dumbledore.

'Gathering information' involved methods that were sly, methods that were secretive, and methods that were sadistic, and Severus became adept at all three. Veritaserum at the time was highly faulty, some people being naturally immune to the ingredients, and the potion having varying effects on people. It became Severus's obsession to develop the perfect truth potion, for such a potion could help his Lord trample over the weak-willed people currently ruling, and if that happened, Severus would be surely placed at his side. That was how it should be – that was where he belonged. He was willing to do anything he needed to in order to get there.

When the school term started again, he and Selina arrived at Platform 9 ¾ in an unusual silence. At the beginning of the school year, he and his sister would usually have a lot to talk about – new teachers, new Quidditch players. What they would like to do with their friends when they arrived. The start of term feast. But for some reason, that conversation wasn't happening. They waited in an awkward, empty silence, until, with relief, Selina ran to meet her friends, all that talk pouring out at last.

Severus could not help but feel a minor pang as he watched his sister go. However, that didn't matter. He went to sit down, walking down the train to find an empty compartment, and he nearly bumped into Remus as he came out of the compartment that was already occupied by James and Peter. Sirius was not yet in sight.

"Oh… hello, Severus."

Severus fixed him with a cold gaze. "Hello," he said, shortly.

"Look, er…" Remus sighed. "Would you like to come sit with us?"

For a moment, Severus almost said yes. He almost welcomed the chance to make amends, sit with his old friends as if nothing had happened the last term.

He looked at Remus. He was gentle, inoffensive, and earnest. His robes were scruffy, sewn many times after being torn, his hands scarred as if they'd been scratched. Remus smiled, and Severus could see his teeth, the ones that grew – he could see where the frustrated werewolf had scratched himself in blind fury, ripped his clothes in anger at being halted in his bloodlust. The image was such a vivid one, he backed off from Remus in horror. Remus revolted him – a horrible, filthy, brutish animal who didn't know friend from foe.

"No," Severus said, abruptly. "I'm sure you'll want to save the space for Sirius." He turned, and realised he was shaking. He was so thoroughly sickened by that beast.

A wolf in sheep's clothing, he mused to himself, finally finding Geoff and some of the other Ravenclaws, and finding that he settled in nicely to pretending nothing was wrong.

*

The term started with its usual flair, and the new seventh years found themselves thrilled by the thought that they were the oldest in the school, yet somewhat regaled with teachers reminding them that the N.E.W.T.s were at the end of the year. Severus reflected that everything felt new. New privileges, new dormitories – and new allegiances. Random Slytherins seemed to nod at him in the corridors and in the lessons they shared. And those old friendships were dropping behind him. He was friends with Geoff and Richard for appearance's sake, but simply ignored the Gryffindors, and Mandy too. Why had he put up with her for so long? She was annoying and uninteresting. For some reason, being around her made him uncomfortable. There was nothing to be gained from her friendship – he'd have been better off being friends with James again.

James was Head Boy, and Lily Head Girl. Ridiculous, Severus thought, a total fix. Olivia, for example, was much more suited to the post of Head Girl than Lily. The teachers evidently thought that the fact that they'd been a couple for so long was sweet, and so sentimentally decided to pair them up. He'd heard James joking that the other Prefects were their 'children'. Let me vomit

Olivia was as stunning as ever. Severus reflected that he could probably brew a love potion, but that would be crude, unoriginal and short lasting. What else, then?

His teachers would lavish praise on him for his excellent work – he had improved more than ever over the summer, unlike the rest who could barely remember anything after the summer holiday had numbed their minds. There was always that problem of Apparating out, but he successfully managed to convince the teachers that he would be off doing something his superior intelligence would benefit more from than their lessons. They kept a close watch on Slytherins, but he was never suspected. No one would suspect such a quiet and promising boy…

He would remember for all his life the first time he learned the Cruciatus curse. The intense concentration was one thing, and surreal detached way in which he watched his unfortunate target writhe and cry out with pain. He wasn't sure what he had expected to feel – triumph, maybe, or awe. Or even terror. But he felt none of those things, just a cold emptiness inside, and the deeply held knowledge that there was no going back now – he had done the unforgivable.

As the school year drew on, Severus's sleep became more fitful. Orion no longer liked to act like a hot water bottle, cantankerous cat – he'd taken to prowling around outside and bringing in small animals. "Blood thirsty creature," Severus cursed him. He tossed and turned, and sometimes lay awake, wondering why, after all that had happened, he was not completely content. Morality was a myth, he knew, it was every man for himself. And Severus had never killed anyone, he reminded himself – he'd spied, deceived and tortured, but never killed.

What does it matter if you do? He reminded himself. There is only power and those too weak to seek it. Why did he still feel the need to conform to other people's standards?

*

Severus played Quidditch with a new aggression. He surprised refereeing teachers by committing a rather brutal foul during the match against Slytherin, and although he checked himself when he played against Hufflepuff, their Seeker Gerald Tockley actually seemed intimidated by him. Gryffindor played them last – they had done much better than last year, Ravenclaw would need to win by 200 points in order to win the cup.

Sirius wasn't playing Seeker this year – a third year called Rachel Drill had taken that position. She was certainly talented, as he'd seen from her playing during the other games Gryffindor had played, but he knew he could easily outdo her. She was tall for her age, and stocky, eyeing him with the usual Gryffindor bravado.

After the first twenty minutes, Gryffindor were ahead. Severus cursed them under his breath. Ravenclaw would need to be up by fifty points before he could catch the Snitch and win. Olivia had relinquished the post of Keeper to another Ravenclaw, who was plainly incompetent. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Why didn't he look? And the Chasers were flying around furiously and uselessly, like a bunch of flies hitting their heads against the glass. Tara Prince, a second year Hufflepuff, was commentating.

"It looks like it'll be an easy win for the Gryffindors, as they're already ahead by thirty points. Keeper O'Halloran is really on form today, as he intercepts a shot from McNally. He passes to Potter… SCORE! Was Keeper Yealland even looking? Gryffindor are forty points ahead."

Rachel Drill was swooping around, alert, and Severus felt a strong desire to send a Bludger after her, suddenly wishing for the first time ever that he was a Beater.

"Keys takes the Quaffle, passes to… Drill's charging through the air, has she seen the Snitch?"

Frantic, Severus searched the air. Could he block her? Richard dived dangerously in front of her, providing a distraction, and Severus made his decision. He wasn't sure that Ravenclaw would ever be ahead by enough points, but he was damned if he would let Drill get the Snitch. Ploughing forward, Severus saw the glittering gold ball darting rapidly through the air, and with the distractions from the Ravenclaw Chasers, he was almost there, ahead of the Gryffindor Seeker. Now all he had to do was reach out…

Drill broke through the blocking Chasers, leapt up off her broomstick

In one terrible, glorious, awful moment, she flew forward and her hand firmly clasped around the Snitch.

With awed horror, Severus watched the triumphant girl tumble back down, grasp her broomstick with her spare hand, and gently land, amidst the roars of the Gryffindors. Severus retreated to the changing rooms, tore off his Quidditch robes, and vowed that he'd never ride a broomstick again.

*

There was to be a Graduation Ball on the day of the N.E.W.T.s results, and that brought to mind the ever-present problem of Olivia. Why hadn't he already done something about her?

During a mission with Malfoy (oh, how he hated him!) the blond man had noticed his preoccupation.

"Snape, pay attention. I can't claim all the credit for your work if you don't do any." He gave a nasty grin. "What's up with you? Some Ravenclaw slut?"

"She's not a slut," he snapped back. Damn.

"Tried the Imperious Curse?"

Severus glared at him with disgust. What a repulsive thing to suggest!

"That's revolting."

"Too scared, are you?"

"I only want to dance with her."

"My, how innocent you are. Only want to dance with her?" They glared at each other. Malfoy said it like a dare.

"Ever tried a Concedo spell?"

Severus looked it up. Concedo was a confounding curse, one that Lord Voldemort himself had used on certain ministry officials. Subtler than a love potion, the recipient yielded themselves entirely to the will of the caster. It was not harsh, and he reasoned that he was not going to use it to harm Olivia, just to have that dance that should be rightfully his…

Properly focusing his mind, he found her in the common room when no one else was around. He whispered the spell whilst standing behind her, and she turned. "Did you say something?"

Had it worked?

He willed her to get up, and she arose, a glazed expression on her eyes. Carefully, he reached out and put his hand on her, drawing her into his arms. She responded in kind. Don't get carried away. She'll remember all this…

"Will you come to the Ball with me?"

"Yes, I will."

Done. He let her go, amazed by the warmth of her arms. He'd been too forward about the embrace – he knew he should save it for the Ball. He willed her not to tell anyone…

The day of the N.E.W.Ts results arrived at last. Severus's were all As apart from Tranfiguration, which he abhorred anyway. In Defence Against the Dark Arts and Potions he had gained distinctions, but he'd lost his interest in Defence. Potions, however, he was pleased about. After graduation, he was going to study potion making, research and finally perfect the Veritaserum – his obsession. And he was going to finish the year dancing with Olivia Kimmel – perfection.

She looked beautiful, more beautiful than ever, he thought. He took her by the arm and they walked to the Great Hall together. Geoff and Richard both had partners – James and Lily were, naturally, together. Sirius was with some sixth year, Remus and Mandy were together – even Peter, not the most popular Gryffindor, was there with a girl.

But I'm with the most beautiful one of all, Severus thought. As the music played, his eyes danced over her. She captivated him. He could not get enough of the sight of her, she was so exquisite.

She was graceful, seemingly more graceful the more he appreciated her grace, she was warm and close and all he wanted. He forgot about everything else, but how much he wanted her.

During the last song, he finally drew her into a kiss, her silken lips touching his and filling him with pure elation. She was all his, and he could have her forever. Silently he led her out, knowing deep down what was next, what he would do. He was going to have all of her, every inch of her body. They walked back to Ravenclaw, and in the common room, he suddenly, frantically pulled her into another kiss. As he did so, he caught sight of her eyes, those amazing silver eyes, and suddenly shook and jerked back.

"What?" she asked, hazily.

They were bleak and dulled, lifeless eyes. Their beauty was all there, but somehow the sparkle had vanished… What was wrong? Suddenly nauseated, Severus sat down on an armchair, and Olivia did too, lethargic.

In barely a whisper, Severus said the counter-spell, grimly expecting her to suddenly rise up and slap him on the face. It didn't happen – she merely yawned and looked over to him.

"Thanks for a lovely evening, Severus. I ought to get to bed – early start tomorrow."

She got up and left, wrenching Severus's heart in two as she left. He would never have her now, but he couldn't bring himself to cast the spell again. In his mind, he begged her to turn back, to kiss him again – but she simply walked on.

***

A/N – Thanks to everyone who reviewed.

Zoo – I'm glad you like the darkness of this story! This chapter was pretty evil, wasn't it? :-)

Moria Polonius – Yeah, there is a bit of Bulwark/Snape parallelling… I know he's a bit too nice *blush* but I hope you like the way his character's developing…

J-Kid – S'funny you should say you thought Sev would be a good guy, because I thought he would be too. Trouble is, humanity gets in the way. I don't think Sev is a good guy or a bad guy… he's just him :-)

Odd World – wow, you reviewed every chapter! Thank you! LOL at your Darth Vader review…

Ariana Deralte – wow, you also reviewed every chapter! I've never read Terry Goodkind. I confess… Orion is a Moggie-Sue! As for the Inbox… erk, I'm halfway through a chapter but I've neglected this poor story for too long and all these evil little plot bunnies keep popping up! I've got too many ideas…

ConfirmTheOriginOfFire – you can breathe now :-) Ooh, I read your story 'Rebus Knight' (http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=883004) and it's excellent. I'm saying this here in case you read this before I review you.

A/N 2 – This was one twisted chapter. I enjoyed writing it :-) I nearly ended up writing a Bible verse in a context which gave it a total opposite meaning, but realised that was probably too sick (despite the point it was making).

A/N 3 – I very rarely write stuff like 'She was incredibly beautiful and he could get lost in her eyes' and that kind of thing, so this chapter was a rarity…

A/N 4 – I'm so sorry this took so long! In that time I wrote 'The Tale of CinderHarry', 'Spot the Difference', 'The Sorting Hat Speaks', 'Rainy Day', the full version of 'Perfect Situation' (maybe you could go read that? :-) ) and updated 'Albus Dumbledore's Inbox'. Damned Plot Bunnies…

A/N 5 – Handy Latin Dictionary - http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/cgi-bin/resolveform?lang=Latin

A/N 6 – You know, I really wish I could have watched the Quidditch match in this chapter.