Incoherence-American dad fanfic
One night in the Smith Home...
It was the night that one of Elon's satelites was going to be passing over the Smith family neighborhood.
"Tonight a satelite launched by Elon Tusk is going to be flying overhead. Haha. Can you imagine the media
outrage? After he tweeted the picture of that omellete? Ahahuhuh!" laughed Stan.
"Was that the one Jeff Bezos was eating in outer space inside Dr. Evil's rocket?" asked Haylee.
"Oh yeah. They made a lo-fi enter deep sleep to become a millionaire Youtube video with that thing in the background. Along with the uhh..omellete" said Steve.
"Side note? I ate the remaining chocolate bunny from Easter. The only thing left was its ass. Sorry. Should I say a Hail Mary now?" said Francine, looking down in deep shame.
"That's a rabbit hole even Alice wouldn't touch in her own restaurant" said Stan.
"Why is absolutely everything somehow related to the work of Lewis Carol?" asked Klaus.
"I just hope we can get this dinner party over with. And I hope I don't have to compete with Gwenivere again" said Francine.
"Compete with Gwenivere? The last time we competed with anything was over a game of Monopoly. Francine you're paranoid.
Paranoid like a-pacaderm" suggested Stan.
"I didn't know pacaderms WERE paranoid. I always thought they were kind of calm, rational, and down to Earth" said Francine.
"I was just looking for something that started with P and-POWER. The power just went out" said Stan, with a disdained look.
Later...
There was a knock on the door.
"Don't worry I brought plenty of Star Wars lightsabres, due to Nora's doing some of them have been places in this galaxy you do NOT need to know about, so
keep it far far away from your puritan minds" said a strange voice that sounded like Roger.
"Is that...Roger?" asked Stan. Francine nudged Stan. "Oh," muttered Stan. "Right," he added, looking embarresed and shrugging nonchalantly.
"Mildred Mercoba, I'd know that New Age middle aged screetch anywhere. You sure know how to hold a satellite seance. Let's go outside and see if we can
figure out what's wrong with the-the-POWER!" shouted Francine, pointing her finger at the ceiling. Within an instant as if by magic
the power in the Smith home came roaring back on.
"Power. Thank Jesus. I could use some meatloaf I'm gonna go to the fridge" said Stan.
"Have you guys heard of the Schlobdinger's Bat theory? Got me a lot of pet bats.
When I wanna kill one of em I just do it without looking, you know like when a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it.
If no one opens the box and looks at the bats after I put them in with my eyes closed after killing them, the theory goes
it's your perception that determined their fate. So naturally I get to kill a lot of bats and dispose of ones that shit on the
floor too much. I like to think they're all still alive" said Mildred.
"Wow, Roger, I mean Mildred-that's sick and disturbing" said Stan.
"Yeah. The only one I hope ISN't still alive? The one doing tons of rounds of coke on
the ceiling. Trust me when those bats do lines they start floppin' like fish, bitch! They literally crack! Like after
you expose fish to electricity and they all start jumping manically like they're high on kelp laced blueberries!" said Roger.
(Scene cuts to a bat going wild on the ceiling, flopping like a fish out of water)
Meanwhile back in the Smith home:
"So uhh...is Nora Gwenivere gonna show up by any chance?" asked Haylee.
"Yes, naturally Nora is going to show up. I'm her mistress, so I think I have some say in it, she's my beeyitch. Ahh, Nora Gwenivere,
she's like Elvira: Mistress of the Dark but for the Light Side!" replied the strange middle aged white wigged woman known only as Mildred.
There was a rattling on the door that sounded like ten hail storms approaching in ghastly unison.
"I'll get it" said Haylee.
"No no no, allow me," said Stan.
"NO, ME! I wanna talk to Gwenivere" shouted Francine.
"Heh...yeah, Nora Gwenivere. She's blonde, beautiful, blue eyed, German-and blind. Makes our little get togethers devoid of politics.
Everyone wins" said Mildred.
The entire Smith family began clamoring for the door after Klaus came flopping out of his bowl.
"MUST...SEE..NORA.." shouted Klaus.
After opening the door, everyone's iphone began simultaneously playing the opening of "Little Queen" by Heart as a shapely, sultry, yet ghostly
lady answered the door in latex biker clothing. After the iphone cameras moved from her legs and waist upwards to her bosom and then to her face as the music played, she spoke in a light and whispery sexy voice.
"I have come," said Nora, as she walked in slowly, swishing her slender hips.
The entire Smith family clapped.
"WOO! She made it. And with beer too! Is it Octoberfest or what? Have a seat Nora while we read from the Book of Twitter" said Roger.
"What's the book of twitter?" asked Francine.
"Blasphemy! The Book of Twitter tells us the arrival of every Tusk satellite in space and what it means.
This one means that America is probably very safe" said Mildred.
"That's good to know" said Francine.
Nora then served the food. Some delicious country fried steaks.
"The texture is unique. It's good. It's uhh...distinctly-distinct. Just like Grandmother never used to make it" said Stan, taking a hearty bite.
"So, after the steaks I thought we'd get into some happy dry hoppy with Nora if you know what I mean" said Roger.
"OH I KNOW WHAT HE MEANS!" shouted Klaus, leaping out of his bowl with joy.
"What does he mean?" asked Francine, looking perturbed.
"Pilsner. It's light, golden, clear, and crisp like a summer's day. German beer. To remind us summer days still exist
in a crappy storm like this. So anyway, I also brought some echinacea, goldenseal, marijuana M&M's all mashed up,
along with cocoa powder, the other kind of cocoa powder, some DMT, dried Mugwort leaves, and liquified Peyote.
Anyone want some? Eh?" asked Roger.
"That...wasn't in our food was it? Cuz I could have sworn I just saw Elmo and Zoe making out in a corner over there"
said Stan.
"No no no, not at all. They were uhh-on the invite list. No your food was perfectly fine though
there may have been a TINY tad too much red wine on the potatoes. Not nearly as many magic mushrooms as
before-trust me" said Mildred. The entire Smith family's eyes widened with horrified shock.
Hours went by which seemed like days. Everyone passed out.
"You guys up yet?" asked Mildred, knocking on Stan's head. "Hey, why is this one so hollow? Oh, it's Stan"
Later...
"I didn't wanna have to get out the bullhorn" shouted Mildred.
"Maybe I could just get up on the family table and dance again" suggested Nora.
"No. There's got to be an easier way to do this. If Only Mulder and Scully were still banging up
in the Smith family attic like they used to do. NORA, ACTIVATE POWER ROBOT, GO!" shouted Roger.
With an instant as if on demand Nora pulled out a small little wind up device that turned into a giant
robot somewhat resembling Optimus Prime from the Transformers franchise. It raised a fist and slammed
the entire table in two. The Smith family woke up. But with no recollection of where they had been.
"I-I keep on having these weird flashbacks about a weird lady named Nora" said Stan.
"Stan, stop thinking about her. God, why do I KEEP thinking about her too? Am I in love with her too?" thought Francine.
"People fall in love? With like-each other? I thought people only fell in love with customs and culture-and the media" said Stan.
"Wha?" asked Francine, looking drunk and crosseyed.
Mildred laughed.
"Uh-huh. Yeah, well when I was outside trying to deal with the power situation earlier I found these
photographs. The WEIRD kinda peculiar thing is they were taken before Nora even showed up-so yeah!" said
Mildred depositing a large compilation of scandalous photographs.
"OH MY GOD! It's like deja vu all over again!" shouted Steve.
"OH NO SHE DIDN'T DO THAT!" shouted Haylee.
"No, I-I didn't. I'm innocent. I swear. I have adorable wolf ears that can tune into shortwave radio!" said
Nora. Stan began attempting to tune Nora's ears.
"WOW! I got the last half of the Kansas City Chiefs game!" said Stan.
"Heheheh!" giggled Nora.
"STAN, STOP MESSING WITH NORA's ears. She's just a weird cartoon anime wolf girl from Mildred's fantasies-not yours" said Francine.
"Oh, right. Well Nora, can those ears also talk to Elon Tusk's satellite and bring it down here to join us for lunch?" asked
Stan.
"I'm...I'm working on it okay I'm not perfect!" said Nora, bursting into tears.
The Smith family hugged Nora.
"There there angels. Come on Nora, we should head to bed" said Mildred.
Later...in bed
"Ahh, Nora. You always were exceptionally exceptional at tuning your ears. What else can you do?" asked
Mildred, as she lay in bed with her arms around Nora.
"I can...probably play guitar" said Nora.
"Yeah, what else?" asked Mildred, as her hand moved down to Nora's butt.
"Probably other things but I should be going now. This-this is wrong, it's too soon" said Nora.
"Oh guawwwd, you're right. This is completely wrong. I still gotta roll up some chocolate and
Mugwort leaves with that thuj mix and smoke em all like a beast. And also it's been a long night for you as it is,
secondly we're not even the same species, and you're not really German you're from Venus" said Roger.
Nora got up and left...
Five minutes later she opened the door having changed into some comfortable lingerie. She stood in front of a sleeping Mildred AKA Roger.
The Little Queen music played as the camera showed off Nora's curvy sexy body. But Mildred was asleep, so the charms worked to no avail.
"Ugh. grey aliens...they're all the same, no interest" said Nora, as she left the room, slamming the door.
Mildred woke for a brief second.
"Not yet, Nora. Not yet," muttered Mildred.
Meanwhile the Smith family was wandering about outside looking for a way to fix the power outage.
"I thought we already fixed the power but I wanted to be sure it never has to be fixed ever again.
I'm calling the electric company. Steve, Haylee, you go make sure Nora and Mildred haven't lit the house
on fire with gasoline and liquid nitrogen" suggested Stan.
But suddenly Stan saw a family that looked just like them. He saw a copy of himself, Francine, Haylee, Steve,
Mildred AKA Roger and even Klaus. Francine witnessed this as well. Both were horrified. But especially Francine.
"OH MY GOD! WHAT IS THIS? HEY! YOU GUYS WANNA COME TO OUR PLACE? WE HAVE FIFA SOCCER 2022 ON...ON...GAMECUBE" shouted Stan.
Clear across the street voices could be heard:
"How'd you come up with this one Bullock?" asked Agent Dooper, who was dressed as Roger.
"I always wanted us to go as the Smith Family for Halloween, ever since I witnessed their stellar performance in the CIA production
known as the McPherson Tape" replied Bullock.
Francine began panicking after witnessing the identical copies of her family.
She raced down Past Street, Future Street, Center Street and Mildew Street.
On Mildew Street she peered in and saw what appeared to be her own family.
But Roger was tied up and being interrogated.
"I'LL FUCKING SAVE YOUR ASS ROGER! EVEN THOUGH YOU PROBED MINE!" shouted Francine as she bust open the window
with a baseball bat entering the house. There was what was presumably Roger, tied up
to a chair and being interrogated by Bullock who was dressed up as Stan.
"Where is the uranium being hidden? ANSWER THE QUESTION!" shouted Bullock.
"HEEEEERE'S FRANNY!" said Francine, wielding a baseball bat. "THIS IS THE MATRIX AND I AM RED PILLED, BITCHES! ROGER IS INNOCENT!" shouted Francine. Bullock took off his mask.
"What are you talking about? We've just discovered a traitor in our midst.
These are Halloween costumes. What have we created that you've been smoking?" asked Bullock.
"Oh suuuuure. Just keep telling yourself you haven't made CIA clones of all of us! BLAAAAAH!" shouted
Francine, going wild running across the home smashing furniture and knocking over vases and glasses.
She then collapsed on the floor after seeing Christopher Walken. Stan came walking by.
"FREEZE, I'M WITH THE CIA!" shouted Stan, showing his badge.
Everyone in the room raised their hands.
"Funny you should say that, I'm with the CIA too" replied Bullock.
"As am I" replied a woman who looked like Nora taking off a Francine mask.
"Of course you're going to say you're with the CIA. You're ME!" shouted Stan.
"Stan relax. We were having a Halloween party and your wife-let's just say
she got a little-excited" replied Bullock, clad in his Stan Smith costume.
"Too bad. Cuz it takes a REAL Stan-to satisfy Francine!" said Stan, firing his Walter PPK.
A fellow agent tried to calm Stan down. But then a monkey jumped on a light and the power went out.
Then Roger came by in his UFO (which was also co-owned by his other persona Elon Tusk) and Roger and Elon beamed everyone up, depositing them back in the Smith Home.
Ten days later...
"Woah, that was some party" said Stan, barely alive, waking up. He could see nothing but Nora's cleavage
as his iphone played "Little Queen" by Heart.
"STAN! In this reality you're not supposed to be staring at Nora's cleavage" shouted Francine.
"Hey guys I got some more Jack Daniels. Gee, I hope your alien friend is okay. He's late" said Mildred, looking
at her watch.
"Oh, he's a drunk. He'll show up eventually" said Stan. "Just need to down ten more tequillas"
"Might not be the best idea. It's time to recover. Let Mildred guide you all through drug rehabilitation" said Mildred.
Ten hours of rigerous gym training and yoga classes and free erotic massages later:
"WOO! We're all back to normal now" said Francine.
"We all remember who we are. We don't have a clue what kind of ghastly things we were doing with Mildred's girlfriend but
at least we're all alive" said Stan.
"We didn't even get to see the god damn satelite. Damn that thing is slutty just flying over everyone's houses spreading its
satelirical love" said Francine.
"Reality test," said Mildred, snapping her fingers. "Who am I? Really? Cuz you got it wrong last time"
"Ahhh, Mildred. I knew you weren't really Roger" said Stan.
Just then a cell phone rang. Roger's voice answered, claiming to be Mildred.
Mildred kicked the phone away quickly, hissing at it.
THE END? TO BE CONTINUED?
WHO KNOWS.
