Lost Yesterdays

James was trying to sleep after making love after a fight again. James was not himself the last weeks. 2 weeks had past already but James was still bitter, angry what happened to this friend Felix, he was recovering from his injuries as best as he could moved by the CIA to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland. There was no funeral for Della's, the Americans did not want a public relations mess on their hands. Only because of Felix she got grave in Arlington National Cemetery. He stayed for free in the hotel with Pam in the hotel owned formerly by Sanchez.

He was not the same after he way he killed Sanchez. There was nothing left of this body, doctors said to James that it was him after they used every last bit of this burned body. M had reluctantly shared the dental records to James, Moneypenny send it over by fax and the computer, James was using one in this Hotel. Like all this romances Pam Bouvier left him, there was no future what she would like. She wanted to go back to the States, to Florida and go back working for the CIA or DEA. She asked James twice to come to Florida, the CIA with some help from his old friend Felix Leiter he could get any job in the field with Bouvier. But Bond made it clear that he worked for MI6, this country was Britain, Engeland, The United Kingdom he said in the days they were nearly fighting over it. One night she had her suitcase packed, James was sleeping lightly and felt when Pam got out of bed.

She looked at James thinking he was sleeping. She already wrote a note. It was very simple, that she would never forget him and a telephone number that he could call if ever wanted to see her again. But only if he wanted to be with her alone. She undressed, James opened one eye without her seeing it looking at her naked body. James could not deny that she had body of wild angel. And that every night after Sanchez death in hotel that was once his, they made love. Sometimes like animals, sometimes in ways like it was with is one true love, his late wife Tracy. When she was dressed, James made sure that it looked that was asleep.

She walked to his side of the bed. "I never forget you James, but you are not here, and I cannot wait until all your demons are gone" she whispered with a tear in her left eye. She walked away. James with his eyes closed could hear that she left something on the big black table in the hotel suite. After the door closed behind her, he opened his eyes. His could not block the sound of crying of Pam until she left the floor. James got out of bed, he left lights out so she did not see them one from outside. You could see the light from the hotel suite from the front of the building, where taxi's and cars stopped. James walked to the table.

What she left was rather unusual. A gun, a envelop with about 50.000 dollars, this passport that M unblocked so James could travel back to Engeland. And flower, one rose. One red rose. He looked at himself in a mirror in the suite.

He looked closely in the mirror, he saw a man that was lost in world of spy's, money, uniforms, blood, orders, casino's, he saw a shadow of his old self. He wanted to ran to balcony and scream to Pam to come back, have home somewhere near the sea, children. But only for a second it crossed his mind. He picked up a empty astray and with swing he threw it at the mirror, which came down thousands of pieces of glass.

After he saw the glass he made up this mind. He made sure the dress himself like ordinaire person. He took the money, put some in the inside pocket of blue jacket. He made sure that his passport was also in this other inside pocket of the jacket. Gift from Lupe that James got after he jumped in the pool after Pam. Q left James something if he needed to take something out of Isthmus.

Nice looking suitcase where I could put the money and the Walther PPK left by Pam, perfect with ivory handgrip. For a moment a held the rose. With gentle wave it landed on the bed.

"You can't build a future on Roses" he said quietly to himself. Leaving a about 200 dollars for the broken mirror. 10 minutes later he was checked out of the hotel. Before leaving he saw that people of Isthmus where looking at photographs of President Hector Lopez. James knew that in few weeks or months that this time would come, that the payoffs now gone would make him lame duck President or corpse at worse. The new owner of the Hotel thanked James.

The taxi drove him to the airport of Isthmus. He did not know where he would go, just not back to MI6. He knew where he go, only M, Q and Moneypenny would know by this passport. M wanted him back as a 00, but only after James was ready he said over the phone. And they needed to talk! But James was not ready to go back to sweet old England yet.