ASMR Arthur
(quietly and charmingly)
Oh, hello! How awfully nice to see you. As it's Saturday and I'm home early from the bank, I thought we'd try a spot of ASMR – that's Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, a sort of relaxation...ah, thing, those psychologist chaps say is awfully good. I haven't yet persuaded Captain Mainwaring to try it, he thinks it's Yankee foreign rubbish, but Mavis, that is, Mrs Pike, is terribly keen when we – she, can't get to sleep.
So today, besties, as I believe the expression is, we're going to try a spot of ASMR, right here in the Pike household – we've a little time, as Mavis and young Frank are fetching the shopping and there's a Woolton pie in the oven. And may I say how charming you look in your... well, whatever you're wearing, and I'm glad I put my eau-de-cologne and my pinstriped trousers on, just for you.
Let's start by getting a fire going... (rustle-rustle-rustle-rustle-SCRATCH- brrr...) Always did a good fire, ever since my days fagging at Meadowbridge. And now, my friends...at ease... let's relax together... with a warm fire... and then perhaps a glass of port...I'm feeling awfully relaxed already, are you?
Now, let's try a little tapping... there are lots of interesting sounds here... but I'll have to be awfully careful, as Mavis is most houseproud. Some lovely painted tiles here, around the fireplace. (tap-tap-tap-tap) Some china ornaments here, and young Frank's christening mug. (clink-clink) The table's set for lunch, and we have cups and saucers and plates at the ready. (ting-ting-ting) And on my chair... (FART!) oh dear, I'm awfully sorry, that's a Ha-Ha-Ha! Cushion, which must belong to Frank, the naughty boy.
So let's turn our attention to his shelf... lots of books here... Wild West Adventures, and some Just William. (tap-tap-tap-tap) Toy soldiers... ((ting-ting-ting) Feel that soothing sensation, running down your back? I could take a week's worth of parades, just now... oh dear, I've scratched General Custer, just a little. Must have been my signet ring. Daddy's 21st gift to me. Poor Frank, I'll have to give up my sweet ration for that one. But never mind...
Let's swan into the kitchen now, and I'd better turn the oven down a little (whumpf!).
Amazing, the ASMR effect caused by the tapping of the fingers. I was demonstrating tingles to some awfully jolly land girls in the Red Lion, only on... but don't tell Mavis, besties! So what have we here...Mavis's jars of jam for the WVS – (clink clink clink) but I must be careful, because they're going to our brave boys, some of whom may be watching now! It takes all sorts, as my old Nanny used to say.
What else? Half a packet of flour... (rustle rustle rustle) the kitchen tap (fsss!) and the draining board. (crunk crunk) Another cup and saucer. (ting-ting-ting)
Can you feel the tension melting away, chaps? And chapesses... you really do look beautiful, with those rosy cheeks. I hope you're feeling awfully good. Hoping the air-raid siren doesn't spoil our dream.
Let's take this outside, now (door opens). Lots of nice things out here to aid the senses, including cabbages (rustle rustle) and, ducking down, the corrugated iron of the Anderson shelter (crunk crunk). Rather cosy in here, with Mavis's floral bed-linen, though the naughty roof does leak. There's a tarpaulin over the hole, to keep out the rain, rather like one we had at the bank. One has to be awfully careful not to poke it, because... oh, perhaps just a little... it feels awfully soft...ooh. (drip-drip-drop) Hmm, better go before I lose another suit. Poor Frank, that's his bed underneath. Remember, troops, don't do ASMR on wet canvas!
Out we go... back into the kitchen... and better turn those potatoes down. There's a delicious cloud of steam! (fsss!) I find it most relaxing, when Mrs Pike's cooking a meal.
(door opens)
ARTHUR!
That's all for today. Next time, ASMR in the open countryside, where we'll have lovely rippling water, and a telegraph pole to carry over it. Plus, if you're terribly good, I'll show you my grenade-firing crossbow.
Thanks for watching and do, please, subscribe to my channel, which you'll find on the dial of your wireless, next to the Home Service. And if you'd like to buy me a coffee, you can find me most mornings at the Marigold Tea Rooms.
That's all. Dismiss!
