Chapter 3

Mikasa has been wondering about the whole Rumbling for these 3 years, she wants answers and she wants to know what Eren is thinking about when doing this. It is not just her that doesn't understand, he also doesn't understand what she feels after doing the Rumbling as well, it is a decision Eren inflicted on her, and on their friends and the world, without regard to their feelings.

She still can't forget the day when Sasha and Hange were killed. It is true that Sasha was revived, but just the thought happening to each of them dreads her the most. That day in the restaurant, the way he spoke to her as he tore apart her devotion with carefully ruthless words, his cold eyes staring into hers as he destroyed her with almost detached cruelty. Even if he had been lying, she thinks that day is another that she will never be able to truly forget.

Mikasa has always wanted nothing more than to be with Eren, after all, he was the one who saved her that day, he gave her a home, and he made her complete, but the restaurant incident caused everything to shatter into pieces. She loves him so much despite everything, but their lives - their fates in a world with Titans - had been so cruel.

When Eren enters the room, it is time for the talk. Mikasa says, "Eren... the day at the restaurant... when you wanted to talk to Armin and me…what did you want to talk to us about?"

Eren frowns as he sits on the bed beside Mikasa. Mikasa still remembers the day when Eren silently raised his right hand, showing his palm had been sliced open and bleeding, and the fact that he claimed that he was doing this of his free will.

After thinking for a while, Eren says, "I was desperate, I wanted to know where Zeke is and let you guys stay out of the way when we did the Rumbling. I knew there were enemies on the island, and I didn't want what happened to Sasha to happen to anyone else."

He sighs and says, "Connie said that I laughed when Sasha was killed, and it was true. But the reason I laughed was not that she was dead. I was laughing at myself, how I wanted to protect all of you guys, and yet I failed again."

"Eren..." Mikasa frowns, and Eren continues, "I knew I was selfish when I attacked Marley, I killed civilians, innocents, and a lot of people... I also dragged you into this. During my time in Marley, I knew all of them were going to die by my hands, and there are a lot of times I wanted to just let go, but when I thought of that, their dead bodies turned into yours instead...no, not just you guys, but everyone in the Survey Corps, Mom, Hannes, and our friend in the Cadet Corps..."

Mikasa stared at the ground, she couldn't believe what she was hearing. What if Eren was right, if he didn't kill the civilians or other people in Marley, would they really be the ones that were killed instead?

Eren says, "You two were some of the only people that might know his location and might be willing to tell me. And I also… I just wanted to see you guys again, too, even if I couldn't be honest with you. I knew I didn't have much time left."

Mikasa's heart clenches at that, even as she finds his behavior that day more upsetting than ever. Eren had been in such a difficult, desperate situation, with no good options, but at the same time, he had put himself into it. He had always acted without fully thinking through the effects of his actions.

"I couldn't tell you my real intentions, because I knew you didn't want me to go through the Rumbling. And when you thought I was being controlled by Zeke or Yelena... it made me really sad, two of my friends never knew the real me. But now I'm not sure I was even that mad at you guys. I think maybe I was really mad at myself, for being so much worse than who you thought I was."

Eren starts to have tears in his eyes. "After all that, you still wanted to believe in me, and I was going to do so much worse than anyone could imagine. So I used my anger and went where it led me. I knew I had to lie to you, I knew you would have to stop me eventually, and I knew I was about to become the devil that would almost end the world… so I thought, why not make you two hate me? I thought it might make it easier when the time came, but… I was wrong there too. Even in the end, even after I'd hurt you both so badly and killed… so many people, you still wanted to find a way for me to live. I killed hundreds of millions of innocent people and you still thought I was somehow worth saving."

Mikasa gives him a hug and she also has tears in her eyes after hearing everything from Eren. "You were always worth saving, Eren, nothing you did can erase all the years we had together or everything you did for us… for me."

Mikasa is now feeling like a goddess to him, maybe more compared to Historia, but then Mikasa asks again, "But why? If you wanted us to hate you... why would you go that far?"

Eren turns away and says, "You were always so devoted to me, no matter how much of an ungrateful brat I could be, I knew I'd have to really hurt you to try to break that, but it's not like it worked anyway. So I just… hurt you for no reason, didn't I... You know I didn't really mean it. I could never hate you."

Mikasa says, "But that doesn't explain why you're calling me a slave..."

"Mikasa, you're not a slave. It is just I don't understand why you were always so devoted to me. I even asked Zeke about your heritage, and I did ask him about the things I said to you… but he told me none of it was true." Eren says.

"So that means you really thought I'm a-" Mikasa frowns but is cut off by Eren.

"Mikasa, when I learn the story of Founder Ymir, she had the powers of Titans, but yet she continued to follow King Fritz, who treated her as a slave and also used her powers to conquer the other nations." Eren says. "You have your powers and you could do anything you want with them, and yet you chose to follow me and become a soldier with me. You always wanted a peaceful life and I was always the opposite. I was so afraid it wasn't really your free will."

"I followed you because I wanted to, not because I felt like I had to." Mikasa says in a firm tone. "I care about you, and it's not just because you saved me, but because you're… special to me. But when you called me a slave, it… really hurt me, Eren...When I hurt Armin to protect you… I know now it was just instinct, but what you said, you… you made me… I felt like I didn't know who I was, or what to do… and the way you sounded, the way you acted… It was the first time we were able to talk since you went off on your own in Marley, and it was like you just… saw me as an annoyance with no free will, lower than cattle."

"Mikasa. I was lying. I never thought of you like that..." Eren gasps.

"I know, but knowing how you lied like that didn't help me stop that feeling..." Mikasa mutters.

"You never mindlessly obeyed anyone, least of all me; you always stood up to me when I was being an asshole. Mikasa, I was the one who was a slave all along. I told you I was free, but I never was, and I was trying to convince myself of my free will as much as you guys. Armin said I was a slave to a piece of shit, and it pissed me off because he was right, as always… but that piece of shit was myself. I was a slave to my own future memories, mindlessly following them to reach a result I kept having to tell myself I wanted. Because of the path I chose, I hurt you, and I'll never forgive myself for it. I never, ever hated you, Mikasa. Not once. I got mad sometimes because I was a whiny, jealous brat that wanted to be the strong one, the special one, and you were always so effortlessly talented… but I never hated you."

Eren hesitates if he wonders if he should continue, but he knows that he has to let her know everything.

"I've always… I've always really cared about you, Mikasa, even if I'm bad at showing it. You're precious to me, and you always have been."

After hearing everything from Eren, Mikasa feels that a stone inside her heart has been lifted a little. She finally realizes that Eren is not a heartless monster, and the guilt inside his heart will be a constant reminder of him. Mikasa decides to take the initiative and kisses him on the lips, Eren was surprised at first, but he doesn't let go and they kiss for a long while.

After breaking the kiss, Mikasa says, "Thank you for letting me understand everything...although you hurt me a lot and there's nothing for me to forgive you about that, but... my feelings for you have never changed. And it is also our fault... for pushing you this far... if only I knew something was wrong and been there for you like I should have...maybe things might have changed..."

Eren frowns, "You might be right...I'm really sorry..."

"And even if I can't forgive you right away, I know I will. I know you can make it up to me because you're… you." Mikasa says.

Eren nods as they kiss again until things are getting heated.


Outside, Fay is sitting in front of the fire with Frieda sitting next to her. "Aren't you going back to your house? It is already dark out here."

Fay sighs, "My brother is having a serious conversation with Mikasa, and I wanted to wait until they're done."

"I see... then I'll stay here with you, if you don't mind?" Frieda asks.

"Of course." Fay says. "My brother has been really in love with Mikasa... but yet he has to hurt her to protect her. The pain in her heart... I wonder if she could've forgiven him for that..."

Frieda says, "From what I've heard from Sasha and Marco, Mikasa has been a tough one, and I'm sure even if she can't forgive him, her feelings won't change. It is really complicated..."

"What about you and your sister?" Fay asks. "Have you done something to her that makes you regret a lot?"

Frieda says, "There are a lot of things I've regretted doing to her. And those feelings never changed, if anything I really wanted to see Historia again."

Fay nods as they continue to chat in front of the fire.


And here is a new chapter, and we have Eren and Mikasa's conversation in this chapter. The next chapter will be the meeting with the Ambassadors and the queen.