Chapter II
I was not ready to face the world, at least not the one that just broke into small pieces that I couldn't put together. The pain persisted and I was still lying in bed, wanting to stay there forever. As if nothing else mattered, didn't exist. I wanted to keep this feeling with me forever, hide it deep, because only it reminded me of him...
Charlie was very concerned about my disappearance, even though he didn't show it. He often looked into my room if I'm still asleep, and I was still pretending that i was. I didn't want to talk to anyone, not now, never ...
A cold gust of wind blew my hair, and the scent of a sea breeze wafted through the air. I was standing at the edge of the cliff, watching the waves crash against the rocks, hoping for the end ...
"Bella stop. You promised not to do anything risky." A soft, melodious voice said.
"And you promised it would be like you never existed." I replied and my leg slid off the rocky ledge. Darkness enveloped me and I saw him ... And then a pair of red eyes appeared before my eyes. Victoria!
I don't know when I started screaming, unable to catch my breath. Charlie ran as fast as he could, trying to calm me down.
"Shhh ... take it easy honey, it's all right now." He whispered as he cradled me to his chest.
I couldn't calm down, my hands and body trembled with fear. My heart was beating at a mad gallop, unable to calm down for a moment.
A few weeks later ...
I don't know how long i was in a state of numbness ... My life was already a pure routine, a precisely written pattern that I had to follow. School, home, work on the weekends, school, work ... and so on. None of my school friends talked about HIM. The mere sound of his name made me want to run away and hide somewhere so no one would see me cry. Mike Newton didn't even try to flirt, Jessica always looked strangely at the Cullen table where I used to sit now. Only Angela from time to time asked how I felt and if I would go out with her somewhere. But my answer was always negative, until she finally stopped asking herself. My nightmares haunted me every night, not leaving me and Charlie alone. I knew that he had enough. His tired face and the dark dimples under his eyes told me everything I needed to know.
After returning home, I checked my e-mail regularly, hoping to hear from Alice, whatever ... if it were just one word. But still nothing, silence. So I wrote myself, hoping to get a reply someday.
Dear Alice,
She sees him again in a dream, these nightmares are the only chance to see him again. I can not explain that. Can pain destroy and bring relief at the same time? Because that's what I feel - pain and relief every time I see him . Even for a brief moment. I miss you, I miss all of you.
Your Bella
I turned off my laptop and decided to take a cold shower. The icy water washes my body for relief, another thing that reminded me of what I didn't want to forget. Wanting to brush my tangled hair back, I looked in the mirror. My pale complexion still contrasted with the cool brown of my eyes and hair, the dark bags under my eyes only confirmed what state I was in now. I touched my face ... Where is this cheerful and full of life Bella? What happened to her and when will she be back? Perhaps there was never a place for her in the new reality that I tried to surround. Because he is not in it, then I am not. I felt a strange pain in my heart ... I rested my trembling hands on the tap and then again impenetrable darkness enveloped me ...
"Bella, baby, can you hear me? "Charlie exclaimed nervously, holdingmy hand. A bright light dazzled my eyes, all I could see was my father's blurry face and white walls.
"Dad? Where am I?" I asked weakly.
"You are in the hospital; I found you unconscious on the bathroom floor. I don't know how long you were lying there, I forgot something from the house so I came back to take it. I called you to check if you were ready for school but you didn't answer so I went upstairs to your room but you weren't in it, I found you in the bathroom, you hit your head hard. Your forehead is broken, "he whispered in a sad voice.
"Ouch!" I drawled through my teeth. Only now did I feel a radiating pain as I touched the bandage on my head.
"Bells, we need to talk about it when you get better; I worry more and more seeing what state you are in. To be honest ... you are in a complete mess."
"I know how much pain and worry I caused you. I'm sorry, Charlie. I'll do anything you don't have to see me like that again."
"Don't apologize to Bells. It's not your fault, just this ... Ed ..." He didn't finish seeing my reaction to his name. Tears flowed from my eyes like a stream. He hugged me so tightly like he would never see me again.
"Sorry baby, if I knew how you react to his name I would never try to say it." he assured me. "It won't happen again, I promise."
I spent a few more days in the hospital, Dr. Claire wanted to make sure I was completely healthy and that all the necessary tests were done. So I had enough time to reflect on what my dad told me. Maybe I should help myself. Even if my depression is due to the absence of HIS presence, it does not mean that I can be locked out of the mental hospital. My head ached so the doctor prescribed me strong painkillers and something for sleep. On the way home with Charlie, neither of us said a single word. There was tension in the air. I wasn't sure ... I didn't know what to say. I have failed him, exposed him to great suffering. I love Charlie I would not like to let him down like my mother who always runs away from life and responsibility. We got out of the car and entered the house.
"Bells?" - He asked nervously ... After his expression, you could see that he wanted to say something, but hesitated.
"Yes, Dad?" I muttered looking at him.
"Can we go back to our conversation at the hospital? It's very important."
"Yes Dad, I don't mind"
We sat down at the table. I nervously fiddled with the napkin on the table, waiting for what Charlie was about to say. I know it was as difficult for him as it was for me. After all, we were like two drops of water, the same.
"Bella ..." he began. "This morning, before I went to pick you up from the hospital, I contacted a Seattle doctor."
"What kind of doctor?"
"He's a good psychotherapist ... He could help you get through it all. I told him about your case, your nightmares every night, screaming and how you don't act like a typical teenager but like a zombie from some horror movie."
For a moment, I couldn't gather my thoughts to give him a clear answer. He looked at me for a moment, waiting for what would come out of my mouth.
"What do you think baby?"
"Dad ... I think I can try ..." I said dispassionately.
"Can you? That's wonderful!" There was a radiant smile on his face that I missed so much. "I'll call him today and make an appointment."
And so began my fight to regain at least a substitute of normalcy, the one that I had lost before I met HIM.
