0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000If Only I Could Fly

Joe was almost seven and always getting into mischief. With Adam away in Boston, it fell to Hoss to keep an eye on him, which was a very difficult job.

He was attending school now and hated every minute of it. He hated being cooped up inside and most of all, he hated Miss Abigail Jones. She doesn't stop the other students from laughing at him for making a mistake solving an arithmetic problem on the board or mispronouncing a word while reading aloud. She sees the older boys pushing him around but doesn't do anything about it. She didn't even do anything when one of them took his lunch away from him. Worst of all, she keeps calling him Joseph and whenever he is caught looking out the window instead of paying attention to the lessons, she calls him by his full name, which results in him being teased by the older boys and getting into fights during recess. Sometimes, they even pick him up and toss him to each other like a ball. Two of them also acted like they were going to throw him into the well. Hoss always intervened and reminded Joe that Miss Jones always called him Eric. But Joe wasn't interested in listening to his brother and said, "You know that I hate my middle name. I don't know why Mama and Pa gave me a girl's name. It's awful. Mama never used my middle name and Pa don't either. You don't even have a middle name so she can't use it."

"If you'd pay attention to the lessons instead of looking out the window, Miss Jones wouldn't call you by your full name."

"She doesn't do that to anyone else. I think she hates me."

"She don't hate you Shortshanks. She's just tryin' to get yore attention so ya will stop lookin' out the window."

"She still don't have to call me by my full name. If she didn't hate me, she wouldn't use it. She ain't Mama and I don't want her calling me Joseph. I only wanted Mama to do that. Pa only does it when I'm in trouble and I don't want him doing it either. I miss Mama and I miss Adam. He would make them boys leave me alone. I know you try, but they're bigger than you too. It's not fair that Mama had to die and Adam went away."

Even though he wasn't supposed to be in the hayloft without an adult, Joe tried hiding up there to avoid going to school. Hoss always found him and told him what the consequences would be if their father found him. He also liked going up there to watch the birds whenever the doors were open and was always careful not to be seen by his father. While watching the birds, Joe sighed and mumbled, "If only I could fly. Then Pa'd be sorry. I could go and see Adam. I miss him singing to me and telling me stories. He always know how to make things better. Hoss tries, but he ain't Adam."

The next day was particularly difficult for Joe. He was in big trouble and didn't appreciate it when, on the way home, Hoss said, "Pa's gonna skin you alive when he reads that note from Miss Jones and I ain't gonna be able to help you. I don't know what put that bee in your bonnet, but yellin' at Miss Jones, sayin' she was stupid, telling her that your name was Joe and not to call you Joseph or use your middle name was a real dumb thing to do. With Adam in Boston, Pa's real busy tryin' to do his work and Adam's, too. He's always tired and ain't gonna be in the mood to listen to yore excuses. I'll do what I can to explain about Miss Jones always callin' you by your full name, but I don't think it's gonna help. You ain't gonna want to sit down when Pa finishes with you and I'll get in trouble for putting a cushion on your chair. I'll see if I can find a small one of mama's for ya anyhow and put it in my saddlebags. You can put it in your saddle tomorrow morning if Pa don't ride to school with us. You might be able to put it on your seat at school if nobody tells Miss Jones."

When they got home and Ben read the note, he blew his top and yelled at his youngest son. Hoss tried explaining what had happened, but Ben asked, "Does Miss Jones call you Hoss or Eric?"

Hoss had to admit that the teacher called him Eric but added, "The problem is that when Miss Jones calls him Joseph, the older boys tease him and that makes him mad. He's been askin' her to call him Joe since school began. She also calls him by his full name when he looks out the window and the older boys really tease him bad then. You know how much he hates his middle name and he tries to fight them when they tease him about it. I don't know why you and Mama gave him a girl's name. It's not fair to him."

"Your teacher is supposed to call you by your proper name. Your brother's name is Joseph, so that is what she's supposed to call him. Joseph, you need to rein in that temper of yours before you get into more trouble than you can handle. You also need to pay attention to the lessons so Miss Jones won't have to call you by your full name to get your attention." Hoss, go start the barn chores. Joseph, go up to your room and I will be up to deal with you shortly."

After having a "necessary discussion" with Joe, Ben informed the boy that he was restricted to the yard with extra chores for the next three weeks, making him wish even more that he could fly away.

That night in bed, Joe started thinking about those extra chores and it hit him. Among other things, he would be stacking wood and polishing saddles and hopefully doing those things would strengthen his arms. That way, he could fly with the birds and go somewhere people would love him and wouldn't be so mean to him. He knew Hoss loved him and was almost positive that Adam did too. After all, it was Adam who comforted him, hugged and held him when he was crying after his mother's funeral. Their father had just walked away and left his sons behind. It was Adam who took care of him and allowed him to sleep in his bed when he was crying for his mother and had nightmares after she died. When he had trouble sleeping, it was Adam who rubbed his back and sang him to sleep. Adam also read to him and made up stories to tell him. Hoss tried, but his stories weren't as good as Adam's were. However he was convinced that his father hated him. Ever since his mother died, his father seemed to ignore him and his brothers except to tell Adam what to do on the ranch. He hadn't even tucked him in at night or read to him since his mother died. It also seemed that ever since his mother died, his father was always yelling at him and punishing him for small things and it had gotten worse ever since Adam left. Lately, his father was always tired and didn't have time for his youngest son except to scold or punish him for some misbehavior, perceived or actual. He never noticed when Joe did something extra or did a good job on a difficult task, but he always noticed when Joe did something wrong.

Joe's determination to get away made him work hard at his extra chores. Saddles were polished until the owners could see their reflection and the firewood was stacked neatly as high as Joe could reach. He fixed the latch on the chicken coop gate and with help from Hoss, fixed some loose boards on the corral fence. He even put some crates in Sport's stall and brushed him until his coat shone, but Ben was too tired to notice all of the extra work his youngest son was doing. He just noted that the assigned chores were done and checked to make sure that Hoss hadn't done them for his brother. Joe also paid attention more and worked harder in school and got a perfect score on an arithmetic test for the first time, but his father didn't even look at the paper that had been proudly laid on his desk, further convincing the boy that his father didn't love him.

Although he didn't have to, Joe continued polishing saddles, stacking wood, and brushing Sport, as well as doing other things to strengthen his arms after his restriction had ended until he was convinced his arms were strong enough so he could fly. One day he looked up at the hayloft from outside and was pleased to see that the doors were open. He looked around and, not seeing his father, Hoss, or any of the hands anywhere, climbed up into the loft. Ben walked out of the house and looked up just in time to see his youngest son jump out of the hayloft, flapping his arms as fast as he could. For just a split second, it seemed that Joe was flying before falling to the ground, landing on his left arm, and hitting his head on the hard ground. Ben rushed over to where his youngest son was laying, picked him up, cradled him in his arms, carried him into the house, and told Hoss to send a hand for the doctor.

When Paul Martin arrived, he examined Joe, looked at Ben and said, "His left arm is broken and it's a miracle that he didn't crack his skull open. He's got a nasty gash, but his skull is intact. I'm going to have to put a cast on the arm and he'll have to wear a sling until the arm is healed, which will take about six weeks. I also have to clean and bandage his head where it hit the ground. Hoss, I need you to hold Joe's head still so I can clean and bandage it. Cleaning it is going to hurt him quite a bit, so it's important to hold his head as still as possible. Once that's done, I will also need you to hold him still so I can set his arm. That is also going to hurt him quite a bit. Once I do that, you'll have to hold it for me so I can put a cast on it." Once Joe's head was cleaned and bandaged and his arm was in a cast and sling, Paul asked, "Why did you jump out of the hayloft Joe?"

"I wanted to fly away and find someplace else to live 'cause Pa don't love me. I think he started hating me the day that mama died. I want to go by Adam. He loves me and he'll take care of me. I don't know why he went away, I guess Pa hates him too and that's why he left. I wish he would have taken me with him, 'cause I don't want to stay with Pa no more."

Ben started getting upset and was about to scold Joe when Hoss said, "He's right Pa. Ever since Mama died, all you do is yell at Joe and punish him when sometimes he ain't done nothin' wrong. It's gotten worse since Adam left. You never talk to us anymore, even at meals except to tell us to do our chores, scold us, tell us to hurry up and eat, or tell us to go to bed. You ain't even tucked Joe in since Mama died. Adam's been doin' it and now that he's gone, I'm doin' it. I tried tellin' ya about the kids laughin' at him and Miss Jones not doin' anything about it when he makes a mistake on an arithmetic problem or don't pronounce a word right when he's readin' out loud, but you just don't care. You didn't even notice when he got a hundred percent on an arithmetic test or did an extra good job on his chores. I had to hold the boards for him, but he even fixed the corral fence. I promised Adam to take care of Sport while he was gone, but Joe's been brushin' him until his coat shines. He's even been doin' the same thing to Beauty for me. You're always too tired to notice when we do anything right but you shore do notice when we do somethin' wrong. Joe, when you get better, you and me are gonna go out into the woods and find a whole bunch of eagle feathers so's we can make you some proper wings. It will probably take a long time, but if we look every day, we'll eventually find enough. I wish I could fly away with you but I'm too big."

Ben suddenly had tears in his eyes. He hadn't realized how much Marie's death and Adam leaving for college had affected him and the way he'd been treating his younger sons. He got down on his knees beside Joe's bed and said, "I'm sorry, son. I didn't realize how badly I was treating you and Hoss until just now. I do love you and your brothers very much. I guess I was so wrapped up in my grief over your mother's death that I lost track all of the joy that you brought into my life ever since you were born. I'm going to go to town tomorrow and hire a few more hands. Then I won't be so tired and I'll have more time for you. I'll also go to the school and ask Miss Jones why she doesn't stop the older boys from picking on you any why she doesn't stop the class from laughing at you when you make mistakes on arithmetic problems or mispronounce words. To try and make up for the way I've been treating you and Hoss, I'll do both of your chores for the next six months. Once your arm is completely healed and school is out for the summer, the three of us will spend a week or two camping near Lake Tahoe. Even when we're not camping, the three of us will spend time fishing. Your pony is getting old so we'll go to Mr. Johnson's ranch and see if he has one you like. Hoss is getting too big for Beauty, so we'll see if we can find a bigger horse for him too. Because it takes so long to get to Boston, we won't be able to go and see Adam during the summers while he's gone, but we will go there to be with him when he graduates. We'll even take Hop Sing with us because I know he'll want to see Adam graduate too. If all of us ask politely, maybe we'll even be able to convince his grandfather to come here for a visit. I know I don't deserve it, but I am begging you to forgive me. I promise to be a better father to you starting right now. I hope you never learn how to fly because I would miss you terribly if you flew away."

Joe wasn't sure about forgiving his father, but Hoss squeezed his shoulder lightly and nodded 'yes', so Joe said, "I forgive you, but I'm gonna write to Adam and tell him about you and everyone else being mean to me."

Ben laughed. "Go right ahead and do that son. I know that both Adam and his grandfather will be angry at me and I will deserve their anger. Oh by the way, do you know what's going to happen the next time one of you brings home a test with a perfect score?"

"No, what?"

"Dr. Martin is going to have to come and put all of the stuffing back into you because I'm going to hug it out of you."

Both boys giggled.

"I'll tell you what Ben," said Paul. "If I have to come out here and put the stuffing back into one or both of your sons because you hug it out of them, I won't charge you for it."

Once Joe's arm was healed, Ben kept his word and took both Joe and Hoss to get new mounts. Joe found a black and white pinto pony and it was love at first sight between the boy and horse. "What are you going to name him son?"

Joe thought for a minute and said, "I'm going to name him Adam. Then he'll always be here even when he's gone."