Baby Badge Woes
Ian felt an all too familiar tug around his neck. He looked down to see Alex's large round eyes and chubby baby face smiling at him. His tiny hand was clamped around Ian's lanyard. For some reason, Alex was obsessed with pulling it off his neck and sticking it in his mouth. He had read it was a common phase for infants.
Ian blinked. He began to try to gently pry the hand off of his lanyard. Alex pulled harder and triggered the emergency release on his lanyard. He let out a shriek of delight as the lanyard came off his neck and dropped into Alex's lap. "Alex."
The baby giggled. Alex had the lanyard gripped in his hand and waved his hand back and forth. Ian decided to let it go. He was probably not going to destroy another ID card too fast, right? Ian winced as Alex stuck a badge in his mouth. It was probably a losing battle. "Can I have the lanyard back?"
Alex stuck another badge in his mouth. Ian was just going to call it "immune system building." It was time for him to cook. Ian wasn't sure why he bothered buying Alex toys when Alex preferred gumming his badges. It was a good use for them. Half the time, they didn't work anyways. Ian knew that Smithers tried his best, but sometimes the technology was just that cheap. Government contractors.
BRINNNNNG!
Ian's phone rang. He let out a sigh. "Ian Rider. How can I help?"
There was a pause. Ian stirred his food. It couldn't be good if his work was calling at this time of night. "Ian, are you cooking?"
Ian dumped spices into his food. It was a good job he measured and chopped before he started cooking. Efficiency was his life now. Especially now that he had Alex to take care of. "Yes. It's not like I have a live-in. Why do you ask, Tulip?"
Tulip sounded stressed. Ian turned the heat down on his food just in case. "I try not to interrupt family dinners."
Ian was about to reply when he heard a rattling behind him.
THUD!
SNAP!
"ABAH!"
Ian turned around to see that Alex had chucked his badges out of the crib and that one of them had snapped as it hit the floor. Oops. Oh, well. Hopefully, he wouldn't be charged for that. "Sorry, Tulip. Alex just broke one of my badges. You were saying?"
The woman let out an exasperated sigh. Ian grinned as he added the rest of the ingredients to the pot. "Ian, that's the third one this month."
Ian felt himself hold back a giggle. The lanyards were stupid anyway. He knew they were required by law. But when was the last time someone at MI6 had their lanyard stuck in machinery badly enough to cause a fatality? "Sorry, you know how babies are."
As if on cue, Alex screeched again. "ABAH!"
Ian shut the stove off and set the pot on a cold heating element. He leaned over and gently poked Alex in the face. The baby giggled and grabbed his finger. Ian picked Alex up and put him back in the neck sling. "You know, I can call back later."
Tulip sounded more amused than anything else. Alex yanked on Ian's collar. "Alex, that is my collar! Erm, yes, Tulip. If you could call after eight that would be great. Alex should be asleep by then."
Ian heard Tulip snort before she hung up. He grinned and cradled Alex against his chest. A hand reached up and yanked his hair. "Not the hair, Alex."
Ian began to gently pry the hand out of his hair. He might have to get it cut short if this kept up. Alex stuck it in his mouth. Well, shit. Ian was about eighty percent sure that was a choking hazard. "Alex, spit the hair out."
Ian's hair was promptly spat out in a shower of droplets. At least he had the appropriate shampoo and conditioners. He gently checked Alex's fingers before setting him into the high chair for dinner. You could never be too careful.
Plus, Alex had managed to eat the ribbon off his Christmas presents the last time he hadn't checked. Though he had miraculously avoided an intestinal blockage, that had been scary. Ian sat him in the high chair and pulled out the baby food. It had been such a pain to try to find stuff that didn't have obscene amounts of sugar.
Ian began feeding Alex pears. For some reason, it was the only baby food he didn't spit out. Alex attempted to grab the spoon from his hands. Ian smiled faintly. Alex wouldn't have the fine motor control to feed himself for a while yet. He gently rubbed Alex's cheek. The skin was smooth and soft, as it should be. Alex had also turned out to be a rashy baby. Ian had given up on scented shampoo for the moment.
Ian winced as Alex yanked on a few of his chest hairs. He wondered if he shouldn't just wax every hair off of his body sometimes. And maybe get a non-shitty lanyard. Alex finished the tiny little jar.
"Mo pah! Mo pah!"
Ian smiled at him. "You want more pears?"
Alex let out a cheer. Ian grinned and pulled out another jar. At least Alex was eating tonight. Three nights ago, had seen the jar swatted off the high chair.
Ian let out a sigh as his alarm went off. He had given up on dignity a while ago. He grabbed the lanyard and let out a sigh. The broken badge was still dangling. Ian decided to just leave it. What could go wrong?
Alex let out a wail. Ian groaned and scrubbed his face. Time to get up. Ian felt Alex yank his lanyard off the second that he picked Alex up. "Good morning, Trouble."
Ian let him have the lanyard for breakfast. He'd already broken one badge, so it wasn't like-
THUD!
SNAP!
Ian watched as another badge broke. He started laughing. Alex's giggles mimicked his. IT was going to murder him.
Fin
Based on a prompt by Zyzyax (see story summary). This is the 304th work in the Winds of Change 2022 Alex Rider Prompt event, where a new prompt (plus a short 1-3K work) is posted every day. For more details, see the AO3 collection. We have an index of all the prompts used in this event so far and going forwards - join the discord to get access to the online index (and to take part in our events, chat about everything and anything, and meet a load of awesome people!
