The fourth of December 1930, Alexei Dmitriyevich Sudayev was born to parents Anastasia and Dmitry, blessing them with a child that they would swear to love and provide for. It had now been two weeks since then and Anya was having trouble believing that she still had such dark stretch marks and obvious pregnancy weight. Anya didn't care too much about her appearance, in fact, she hardly ever even gave it a thought. It wasn't that she thought she wasn't pretty, Dmitry would never let her forget how beautiful she was to him. Every morning when they awoke he would press his face to hers and mutter "You're so beautiful" to her before kissing her forehead softly. She smiled to herself thinking of it, but soon that smile faltered. He hadn't done that since Alexei was born. Maybe it was because he always graciously tended to their child in the early morning to let her sleep, but even that possibility didn't really help her feel much better. There was always a small thought lingering in the back of her mind. 'I chose him, but did he choose me?' Dmitry tells her all the time that he's been in love with her ever since that day when he was ten and she was eight. But that was the Grand Duchess Anastasia he had fallen in love with, not Anya.
Anya laughed to herself out loud. "I'm being ridiculous. I am Anastasia as much as I am Anya." She murmured to herself quietly.
Anya was finally interrupted from her moment alone at the sharp shrill of a babies cry, little Alexei had woken up from his afternoon nap. She quickly made her way into the living room where his crib was situated at the time being before being intercepted by Dmitry.
"Don't worry I got this one. You should go back to resting, doctors orders right?" He said with a smile.
Anya shook her head and bent over the crib to pick up their son, cradling him in her arms to soothe him. "It's been two weeks, I think I'm plenty rested enough to care for our child."
Dmitry just shook his head and carefully picked up Alexei from Anya's arms despite her attempted resistance.
"You look exhausted Anya, did you even sleep last night?" No, but she wasn't admitting that now.
"Be careful! You're going to drop him doing something like that." Anya quietly quibbled, not wanting to cause the finally calmed, and once again sleeping, Alexei to start crying again.
"I'm not going to drop him, you act like I haven't raised a child before." Dmitry retorted back, also speaking in a hushed whisper. The whispered debate went on for a few more moments, but ended, as per usual, with them kissing and briefly apologizing and then going back to the daily routine.
Dmitry loved Anya. Everything about her made him feel like the happiest man alive. Even when they fought he loved her, because when she was angry this fiery look took over her eyes that pierced right through him like a thousand swords. Anya always had this shining glow about her that seemingly changed depending on her mood. A mixture of orange and red when she was angry, yellow and blue when she was happy, purple and blue when she was upset, and green when she was entranced and euphoric. She was green when she looked at him, when they kissed, when he said he loved her. But today, today was different. Today she seemed gray, even during their small spout of bickering earlier she was gray. "I know that you worry about me, you just worry too much sometimes. I can take care of myself sometimes." She had said to him when he had asked how she was doing, sounding concerned for her. A long time ago, Dmitry had claimed that worrying wasn't like him, but that had been the greatest lie of all time because worrying was all he did. 'Is Anya okay? Is Alexei okay? Am I okay? Oh my god I left the water running.' All that aside, her would make sure that she was okay tonight. He was going to put all other personal issues that he may have aside and make sure she was happy again. Because as long as she was happy, he felt that he was as well.
When evening rolled around, Anya and Dmitry were praying silently that Alexei would sleep through the night, also knowing that was like praying for a miracle. When they themselves were ready for bed, Anya went to turn off their bedside lamp, but Dmitry stopped her.
"Anya wait. Can we talk about something first?"
"I suppose, but tomorrow when you say I look tired again I'll be sure to remind you that the one who told me to sleep more kept me up longer."
Dmitry just jumped right into what he needed to say.
"I know that you said everything is okay, but I can tell when something is wrong. I just need to know that you're okay because I love you and I want to help you if something is wrong. You don't have to hide anything from me. I'm not going to laugh or get mad. I'll just listen and then say whatever really needs to be said. And if you want, I won't say anything but just know that I'm here for you."
He sat up next to her, placing a hand on hers. Anya sighed and decided to give this a try.
"Have you had a thought that maybe didn't make any sense at first, but the more you think about it the crazier it gets but at the same time, becomes more and more true to you?"
Dmitry nodded in response, allowing her to go on.
"It started with these," she lifted the bottom of her nightgown to show him the dark stretch marks, "and then I noticed you weren't doing that thing you used to do every morning. And I know that's ridiculous to be bothered by but it just had me thinking even further about us as a whole."
Her voice trailed off and almost shuddered when she realized what she was leading up to say, the words that had been trapped deep in her mind for so long. An arm wrapped around her, and the sense of a cold hand touching her shoulder comforted her. Dmitry's hands were always cold.
"Am I enough for you? You fell in love so long ago with Anastasia, the girl of your dreams. And sure, I used to be her a long time ago but now I'm just Anya aren't I? Anya who has scars on her body and in her mind, who isn't as perfect as she used to be, and who isn't what you were hoping for?" Anya could feel her eyes filling with tears and wiped them away.
"I try to be her every day for you and at first it started so easy but it's so hard because as much as I remember now, it's never going to be enough to be who I was."
Anya was lost and confused, more than ever. She discovered who she used to be almost three years ago, but she never bothered to discover who she was now. Who was she in this mix between Anya and Anastasia?
"I didn't want to tell you any of this because so much time has passed that it just seemed too ridiculous to even think that it was on my mind,"
She regained her composure to try and act like everything was okay now. But the sound of a low and worried "Anya…" brought all of the emotion rushing back.
Dmitry looked at Anya crying and knew he had to say something. Strong, radiant, and confident Anya crying was the most heartbreaking sight for him to see.
"You are everything that I want Anya. You shine in so many ways and if you could see yourself the way that I see you, you would just be amazed. Those marks that you're so worried about mean so much, because they show that we have a family. Those marks are a result of you bringing our child into the world. I love everything about you. I love you for who you are now and I'll always love you no matter who you are. Whenever I see you smile, any doubts or fears that I had just go away because just knowing that you're here with me is enough. I see you shine and I know everything is going to be alright. You aren't 'just enough' for me because you're more than enough. I love you Anya, please don't forget that."
Dmitry felt unnatural and vulnerable revealing so much emotion all at once, but he needed her to understand. He then felt arms wrap tightly around him, knocking him over slightly, but he just wrapped his arms right back around her.
"I will never forgot that Dima.." She said softly, the use of his childhood nickname making him just as weak as it had the first time she ever used it on the bridge.
"There are so many shadows in my life but you shine through all of them. That day on the bridge, god it feels so long ago now, that was the first time I felt home. I know now that everything is going to be alright as long as we're in this life together."
Dmitry pulled out of the tight hug and kissed Anya on her forehead.
"You're so beautiful. And if you ever need a reminder, I'll be your mirror, and you can even be mine. Just look at me and you'll see just how much you shine."
"Thank you…." Anya whispered quietly. "Thank you for everything."
The two wrapped each other in their arms and didn't say anything out loud. They just sat on the bed and held each other tightly. Hours passed and the only thing that caused them to break apart was the sound of a wail from the living room. Anya and Dmitry untangled each other and stood up to tend to the baby, they held hands all the way to the crib. And eventually the night ended with all three of them curled up on the couch as a happy family.
