My mind was on Draco all evening as I lay in my bed, reflecting on the ball before I would fall asleep. I'm a heavy sleeper when I do fall asleep, but sometimes I have trouble falling asleep and tonight was one of them. My thoughts entirely on Draco Malfoy, purebloods, marriage, all of that. There was too much to think about all at once, so I tried to make sense of what was coming to me first and foremost.

It was common for marriages of convenience to be had. Both parties were incredibly wealthy, this wealth needed to be managed by competent hands and minds that were used to wealth and excess. Too much giddiness as the prospect of handling this much wealth for the first time was a prime recipe for it to fall into the wrong hands, for things to screw up. I didn't even need to rehear the stories my family had to tell to know. There were just too many, these stories were commonplace in circles like that. There also needed to be knowledge about how to handle connections, status, this sort of stuff. Sometimes when a wealthy pureblood did not want to be at risk for marrying the wrong person and having everything they worked for fall apart, they would enter in a marriage of convenience by someone who knew their stuff.

They would work well together. They always did. There was nothing like two people greedily trying to keep a fortune together. That did wonders for their mutual cooperation. And usually we were raised with such manners and graces, that we had the capacity and ability to team up with another pureblood wealthy socialite for this reason. These types of marriages and pairs could become very powerful, raise the next generation of lords and mistresses that would rule the wizarding world, and so everyone feared them. There was no reason to not fear them.

But among some, there was a slight recognition, that it was not actually true love that lead to this, but rather an old fashioned custom of the marriage of convenience. I hear the pre-nups and marriage contracts were even more horrendous for it. Because it was truly more of a business deal than anything.

Then there were the marriages of true love, but still based on someone familiar from the social circles. Of course, true love was rare, but most marriages weren't completely for convenience either, and it was a mix of the two. Wondering where upon the mix Draco and our's relationship may lie, or how Draco even viewed marriages and therefore me and my role in all of this, was an enigma that kept me up at night.

I'd never quite known Draco's view on marriage. He boasted and bragged about how he was going to marry the most beautiful girl of all Hogwarts and the wider wizarding society when he was younger. His sharp statements cutting others down as he talked about how his wife was going to be the best of all of them, simply better than anyone else's wife, that he shall expect nothing less considering who he was, the lofty arrogance that he talked about it with. It set the tone for many of the Slytherin boys that year at Hogwarts. It made them feel inadequate if they did not match him in this regard, and it was clear there was at least one man wanting to do things somewhat decently. It also gave hope to the Slytherin girls, and some of the other girls in our year at Hogwarts.

I was shocked to meet some muggle-borns and halfbloods that lived such a crass life they thought things like proper marriages were a gone thing by now. They acted surprised at Draco, and quickly fell into romantic idealisations of him and endless crushes all throughout the Hogwarts years, because he was the only boy they knew who talked like that. I felt disgust as their shock to this aspect of pureblood socialite wealthy culture. How uncultured and crass their backgrounds must've been.

Draco was...not afraid of making his stance clear on the pureblood society and where he lay in all of it. He seemed to uphold rules and tradition as well as his parents. But yet...I'd never quite known what he was like beneath those statements and remarks.

Did he want a marriage of convenience? True love?

There was one conversation between him and Nott over it in fourth year, towards the end. Where they both acknowledged that true love did exist as they touched upon it in conversation that I overheard. Well most people did at the breakfast table.

But yet...many in a marriage of convenience also acknowledged true love existed. Just that they didn't have it. It was like a pretty badge or shiny mark that someone else wore, which they could point at and notice.

I still couldn't tell what Draco felt about all of that.

If I were to go by how he felt about me personally, I'd say he didn't like or love me, but he also didn't reject me.

Did Draco want a marriage of convenience and he was planning in courting me? Increasing the intensity until his intentions were very clear throughout the course of the next few years?

Did Draco want a marriage of convenience, but he wasn't sure which girl was convenient for him, and he was testing the waters. With me, then some other girls, over the course of the next few years.

Did Draco want true love and he already loved me but was just taking time to make it clear?

Did Draco want true love but he was testing the waters with me on that?

Did Draco simply not want either, or perhaps he was disgruntled and did not like the idea of marriage at all, but he was just playing the part because it suited him at the current moment, and he chose me, to deflect awkward questions others may throw at him if he wasn't seen to be involved with a girl at all? Because he wanted to spend his time doing business deals, growing his fortune, diving deep into the depths of magic, in his lifetime, and he wanted to look good in front of the other guys, or to have a shield so to speak, and I was his girl for that?

What did Draco want? From the ball? From everything? What was it all building up towards?

There were so many questions, so little answers. I couldn't quite figure anything out.

With that, I fell into an uneasy sleep.

Next morning I had breakfast with mother and father before he left for 'work' - which was him investing money we had through private deals, but it wasn't recorded as some sort of job anywhere. He usually had lunch out, but reserved breakfast and dinner for his family. He didn't really like having too many meals with potential clients, or these big events. Felt it was easier to screw up and lose a fortune than gain something good, so it was in his preference. Mother tried to make meals as nutritious, scrumptious and cozy for him as possible.

"Pansy, you look gorgeous in that dress. Remember the compliments you got last night when you got out of that carriage?" mother said as she buttered some scones with cream and jam. Although it was possible to arrive by floo powder or appariation, many wealthy families still used the old horse and carriage method. It looked better. Some even used breeds of equestrians that could fly. It was seen as a mark of wealth to own them. Our family had a nice set of stables and several horses upon which to choose from.

Our family wasn't doing any business with the Malfoys or any of the other members of the ball at the current moment, so my parents presence wasn't strictly needed at the ball, and neither of them had particularly wanted to go, so only mother came with me in the carriage, but apparently my reception had pleased her. My parents didn't particularly like all the balls and events though when they needed to go they always did a fine job, so they were happy to sit out on this one.

"Yes," I nodded.

"Good, good, how was the ball?" asked father, waiting to hear it from me in my own words. He was taller than mother and I by about an inch or so. But otherwise fairly stout for a man and plump, beefy, muscular. He look up a lot of space and had a deep booming voice. His hair was black but greying, his eyes were dark brown, and he preferred to wear muggle-looking business suits most of the time, instead of some old fashioned wizard's robes that some other families wore.

My family were very skilled with money. They were up to date with muggle and modern things as well, well more than some other family's were. The Parkinsons' were all about wealth and maintaining top of the status quo because of it. We weren't particularly interested by dark magic, dark artefacts, purebloodisms, or things like that, though we did also think we were superior to muggles and halfbloods because we were pureblooded witches and wizards. That was a factor, but we were mostly about wealth. We didn't have the same vibe or aesthetic some of the other socialite families had.

"Satisfactory, nothing surprising happened. Draco lead me to some dances and he told me a story about how he acquired some land to sell to the new half-bloods wishing to move closer to wizarding areas. I offered to chat to him over tea if I knew of any good lawyers, he didn't seem to have thought of the need for one until I bought it up, though I don't know anyone and I was just saying that to show him I understood the nature of his business. Besides that nothing much happened," I said, to which both my parents gave a laugh.

"That sounds like typical pureblood things. I don't think you can read anything into that," said mother finally when she'd finished. I looked like my mother except I was thinner. Well, we were both plump when compared to the skinny twigs that some pureblood socialite witches could be, but I was a bit thinner than her. She had dark brown hair like mine but cut into a sharp bob that curled inwards at the base she got redone ever few months, dark brown eyes, and often wore extraordinarily expensive clothing. People often said I looked like the younger version of her.

"Yes, he will give you more signs if he has serious intentions with you," said my father.

Why am I always waiting for signs? Why can't my parents tell me it's not my job to be strung along by Draco Malfoy and to experience so much pain and hurt wondering. If he loves me he should make it clear...

Why do I feel like I'm going through this same hell again...?

"His family is wealthy and they know how to play the political game. He is still a good choice if he really reveals himself to be the one," I said, to which both parents showed mild approval at my judgement.

I would be lying if I said I didn't try to impress my parents with dating Draco Malfoy in fourth year.

I had always been competitive for as long as I could remember. Wanting to be the best in all that mattered to me. It was before I knew just how wealthy, just how esteemed, our family was in the wider community, but once I did, it just heightened it even more. Some would say I enjoy being competitive and wanting to be the best.

I had tried so hard to be perfect, the best, throughout all the trials and tribulations through childhood. When I got to adolescence and knew of the role Draco Malfoy had amongst all the Hogwarts students, that having him pick me, would make me 'the best' in some sense, I wanted to be his. I was willing to work for his affections. I had hoped to tell my parents and friends about Draco casually dating me, choosing me, and see the jealousy and respect in their eyes. I would feel like I 'made it', for at least one part of my life anyway, had I done this.

That was part of the reason behind why I sucked up to Draco so much since...first year actually. I'd always sucked up to him just that past fourth year, I could no longer do so without bittersweet feelings.

A part of me had wanted to work on Draco almost like a project, before unveiling the finished product, and through having both parents respect me for him, I would feel complete somehow.

I had made a small show of it I had to admit, when Draco asked me to be his girlfriend and the Yule Ball in fourth year, even though my parents said it wouldn't promise to lead to anything, but it had been there. Perhaps it was because of this, that I don't find it easy to talk down Draco, or reject him, the idea of him, even to my parents as we talked over breakfast then. It was like turning my back on a childhood dream or chapter that I had invested so much into. I didn't find it easy to turn the page on Draco, regardless of my mixed state of feelings now.

A slightly sour feeling came over me. Draco was the only guy that could possibly make me feel shit in this way. Any other guy and I would be so filled with disgust and horror at them, I would never fret over them not wanting me. I couldn't even believe I could feel this way until I met him.

After breakfast I helped mother more with business. Father didn't own or manage any businesses, but he funded them, and sometimes gave them a metaphorical sharp rap on the head so to speak and said they weren't doing things right, and as an investor who had seen previous businesses make huge profit, this was how you did it, and so he'd managed to shape most projects he touched into something that was profitable for him and raked in the big money.

We lived in a gorgeous mansion with beautiful lawns. We'd gone on the most expensive holidays, owned the most expensive transportation, clothes, jewellery, food, pets, almost anything you could imagine, as a sign of how wealthy we were. Whatever father did he was very good at it. And so were the Parkinsons before him. We were good businessmen for many generations.

He sometimes funded overseas businesses. With muggles, but father assured both mother and I that it was strictly business, they saw him as a businessman, they met to talk and discuss business, he wasn't 'picking up the filfthy ignorant ways of the muggles' so to speak, and if he did rub shoulders with muggle filth, he never bought home any of those mannerisms or things. All he bought home was wealthy for us. He was able to get there in time a little faster than purely muggle businessman because witches and wizards had slightly faster ways of travel, which was one of his secrets in making so much money. He often said witches and wizards who overlooked the potential to profit from muggles due to prejudice were complete fools in this regard.

Mother and I didn't always know what he spent his time on. Since the businesses were international, but we just knew he was busy, gone, absent, through most of the day. It was a comfortable sort of silence we felt at his absence though, since we knew the bigger picture of where he'd gone and left.

Mother preferred to actually run a business. She didn't have the guts for international business, or muggles, so it was always a witch or wizard run business from England, where she worked behind the scenes. Usually in the beauty, make up, jewellery, or fashion industry because she had a liking for all of those areas.

I helped her answer some letters, paperwork, by lunch mother was in a good mood due to my efficiency, by the early afternoon she was in a brilliant mood because of my skill, and she was in good spirits if I would be free to help out again tomorrow but I wasn't, I had a lunch date with my friends from Hogwarts, then another lunch date the day after. Mother was equally pleased to hear both of those, and I felt momentarily successful and accomplished as I left her office to have some time to wander about the grounds for myself afterwards, but I still did not feel enough happiness or of anything, to undo the twisted feelings I had about Draco Malfoy.

Why had I talked him up so much to my parents?

Why had I made such a large show of him to them?

Why was it that I didn't feel I could truly talk about him and how I felt about him in his household?

I didn't know the answer to all of those questions, but all I knew was that I could talk about my feelings about Draco Malfoy with no one. My friends were even worse options to go to than my parents. I was all alone in the way Draco made me feel and everything about him.

And yet even as I recognised this, this internal hell I'm trapped in with him, some part of me still yearned to see a glint in his eyes, a definite want for me, a purposeful sign, and to be picked as his. I still felt the trappings of these feelings, even after all these years.