Chapter III. The Church
Once the Wedding March began to play, Nathan found it difficult to breathe. Everyone stood and turned, watching them. Allie squeezed his arm and gave him that loving, soothing smile, that without fail, always had its intended effect. "I forgot to tell you how handsome you look, Dad." She whispered. He lived most of his life for an audience of one: Allie. So, if she thought he was handsome, that was enough. He squared his shoulders and raised his chin just a little bit.
"And you, Allie girl, are breathtaking." It was the honest truth.
Nathan brought his gaze back forward, to Joseph, who waited at the end of the aisle. And standing just next to him, was the groom, Robert Wolf, in his crisp red Mountie serge.
As soon as Allie appeared, and they started down the aisle, Robert's jaw unmistakably dropped. Then his chin quivered, as he watched the woman he loved, walking towards him.
Nathan glanced at Allie and realized she was breathing rather shallow, herself. Slow breaths in and out. Over and over.
And from that point on, neither Allie nor Nathan noticed anyone else in the room, for the remainder of that walk down the aisle. For Allie's gaze was fixed on Robert, and Nathan's gaze was fixed on his daughter. And his heart was filled with happiness, for her.
For he had often asked himself: had he done the right thing, staying in Hope Valley? But looking at her now, there was no denying the answer. Nine years they'd been here, but the benefits this town had offered Allie, were insurmountable: friends, an education, a wonderful community, and of course, her husband.
Sure, Nathan had also met great friends, and been surrounded by a wonderful community. But this church, which was so special to Allie, and Robert, was bittersweet for Nathan. For Allie, it had been a place of learning, and friends, and even love. But for Nathan, it had been associated with pain, an all too frequent source of pain.
But now as he watched Allie, beaming with happiness, in love with the only man that had met the standard that he himself had set, all of that pain seemed to disappear. It completely dissipated, and was replaced with a realization: every sacrifice he'd made, all that he endured, was worth it. Absolutely worth it.
When they reached Joseph, he asked: "Who gives this woman to be married to this man?"
And Nathan simply answered. "I do."
Allie looked up at him with those enormous eyes, and he felt a sob make its way up and rack his shoulders one good time. He choked down the rest and kissed her on the cheek. Then Nathan gave his daughter away, placed her hand carefully in Robert's.
When Nathan turned to make his way to his seat, he just happened to glance up. And there she was, looking at him, in that way she always did. If he didn't know any better he would think it was longing written on her face - but he did know better, didn't he?
So he returned her gaze, as he always did, with that awkward, uncomfortable, crooked smile.
But now, he protected himself. For it had been four years that they danced around each other, and practically avoided each other. When they did speak, they never spoke of anything deep, like they used to. Everything was shallow, surface, and superficial, and they were never, ever alone.
Now, there was a constant chasm of unspoken words between them. A never ending distance. And it had been that way ever since Lucas Bouchard left town.
As Nathan took his place in the second row, next to Bill, he brought his gaze back to happier things: Robert and Allie. For they were a formidable couple, and had a sweet story, that began nine years ago. They simply became friends, fell in love, and realized they belonged together.
Other than the ending, was Nathan's story all that different? Hadn't he spent the last nine years hoping? Never giving up, that one day…she would come to her senses and realize they belonged together? And for three of those nine years, he'd even endured watching her with another man.
Sometimes, he actually wished he could forget her, move away, and escape her, like Lucas had. Yes, Lucas had been the smart one. He'd always taken every opportunity, used every angle, to his advantage. And the break up had been no different. He'd pulled the plug and fled, changed scenery and put her behind him. How Nathan wished he could do the same.
But for some inhumane, illogical reason, he just couldn't. Instead, he was here, watching his daughter get married before him, still holding out hope for a woman who hadn't shown the least bit of interest, in the last six years.
Why couldn't he just let her go?
It was a beautiful ceremony from start to finish. Elizabeth was so proud of Robert and Allie. Both had been dear students, close to her heart, and the fact that ended up together, was particularly special.
Both had worked hard, pursued their studies, then Robert entered the Mounties. He'd done well in training, and been awarded a Constable posting not far from Hope Valley. Allie had finished her teacher training with an emphasis on art. Of course, the small town, where Robert had been posted, needed a second full-time teacher, willing to teach all subjects. So, Allie had agreed to fill the position, with one caveat: that she could add an art program for all students. Elizabeth was proud of her for building a wonderful art curriculum, and making it accessible to all the children in her district.
Now, as Nathan Grant walked right past her, on his way out of the church, a recent conversation with Allie replayed through Elizabeth's mind. The question had come out of nowhere, at the end of one of her days interning. "Mrs. Thornton, what's it like to love a Mountie?"
Elizabeth had totally misunderstood, and been thrown for a loop. She'd immediately felt panic. How could Allie know? She had no idea what to say, but her mouth fell open.
Allie had read her apprehension, for she quickly excused herself. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Thornton. I didn't mean to bring up Jack."
"Oooohhhh." Elizabeth let go the breath she'd been holding. "Jack."
And just like that, Elizabeth understood what Allie was asking. She wanted to know what it was like when the one you love is sent out on assignment, and is facing danger. Elizabeth took Allie's hand, sat down with her, and answered all her questions. She did her best to offer sound advice.
But that conversation had caused Elizabeth to ponder Jack again. She even pulled out his final letter and read over the beautiful words he'd left behind. Promise me one thing Elizabeth: you will open your heart to love again.
Try as she had, she'd just not been able to do it right. Instead, she'd made a horrible mess…of everything. And now, she felt so very lost. How she longed to talk to Jack just one last time, and ask him to help her, to guide her, to give her advice on what to do.
Those thoughts of Jack had prompted a visit to his gravesite. She'd sat on the rich green grass before his stone, and poured out her heart once again. She told him all the horrible things she'd done in her quest to guard her heart, to keep it safe from hurt. She was honest about the mess she'd made here without him. And as usual, that conversation came around to one man: Nathan Grant. Why had she been so stubborn six years ago? Why had she made the choice to push him away? Why had she run from her feelings, and told him that lie about not being in love with him? And even worse, why had she tried so hard to hurt him, with that line about seeing Jack in him? Was that all part of her defense tactic, to wound him terribly, so he'd give up on her?
Better yet, why wasn't she able to tell him the truth now?
The guilt and shame of six years of lies was stacked painfully and infinitely against her. The guilt of what she'd done to Nathan…gentle, caring, feeling Nathan, was overwhelming. That ocean of guilt seemed to ever pull her under.
On top of that, was the shame of living a lie with Lucas - all that she did to make it believable. All of those brazen, public kisses, that in reality, were uncomfortable and empty. Sure, she'd done her best to make them look real, to sell it, even to herself. But the cold, endless emptiness she felt, was now too much to bear. For what she knew in hindsight, was that each and every one of those fake kisses cheapened each and every kiss she'd ever shared with Jack.
And she told him so, she confessed it all to Jack that day. And begged forgiveness, in a heap of tears, and regret, and honest, painful truth.
That day, she walked home from Jack's gravesite spent in every way, but she felt lighter. So much lighter. And that night, she'd slept soundly, better than she had in years. Literally, years.
But the very next day, sure as anything, she ran into Nathan Grant, riding through town. And all the guilt had come crashing down, all over again.
How could one man have such an affect on her?
And why did she always seem to know just where he was, even if they avoided each other at all costs? As if every cell in her body was ever aware of the exact distance between them, at any given moment?
Like today, when he walked in with Allie. She didn't even need to look, to know he'd entered the room. But of course, she did look. How could she not?
For he was as handsome as she'd ever seen him, and absolutely beaming, as he led his daughter down the aisle. And the way he looked Allie, poised on his arm, took Elizabeth's breath away.
How could someone, who'd been hurt so often, wear his emotions so honestly, right there, for all to see?
It was quite simply beautiful.
