The Holy Loly Mountain Range was not the place where you wanted to have a problem. Between constant Sub-Zero temperatures, ice storms, the closest city being weeks away on foot, a topography completely non-traversable by car, and predators that have spent millions of years evolving specifically to dominate the climate, the mountains were plenty capable of making sure all your problems would be over sooner rather than later. The Tundral people have spent thousands of years perfecting the art of survival in this place. And still, every day was a risk of the end.
However, this specific problem was exceedingly rare, and one everyone wishes they had.
"We have too much food." Popo tried to slam the pantry shut to absolutely no avail. Several eggplants bounced out and rolled around his feet. "I wonder if anyone in the village can take this off our hands. Someone's bound to—"
"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"
Nano went and grabbed her Squall Hammer. There was plenty of daylight and no frigid winds in sight. "All right, let's do this."
"Do what."
"Popo, you promised me if we ever had the chance we fight. Now that there's extra food around, let's rock."
"Nana, I am not in the fighting mood. We should take this to the village."
"Come on. You promised."
Popo sighed. A promise was a promise. Past me, you're an ass. "Fine, but please don't kick my ass too hard. Someone has to cook dinner, and you are a terrible chef."
"Yay!" Nana gave Popo a big squeeze and tossed his hammer to him.
Leaving the igloo, the two made their way down to the plains at the base of the mountains. Snow and ice caked the land all around them.
The two raised their Squall Hammers; the ancient way of acknowledging combat. Time to make the ancestors proud.
Nana rhythmically tapped the handle in her hand. "Since you were so sporting to come out here; I'll let you make the first move. Call it a handicap."
"Are-are you sure about that?"
Nana raised an eyebrow. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"I just thought you were going to take the lead on this since it was your idea, after all."
"Oh, you want me to take a lead huh, Popo?" Nana lowered her hammer and leaned on it. "Something you want to get off your chest Popo? Something you would like me to put on it?"
Not enough Viagra in the world. Popo clasped his hands together, rubbing them together with a playful expression on his face.
"Alright. Let's do this."
READY?
GO!
Popo opened his hands, and a spiraling rift started occupying the space between them.
Nana picked up her hammer and set her feet. "Bring it."
From the rift emerged a sphere of ice, fast balling towards Nana at a moderate velocity. She swung her hammer and smashed it apart with ease. The next iceball was a little faster but met the same fate.
Popo went strafing to the side, going around Nana in a wide circle.
"So you want to take the handicap I gave you and turn it into a warm-up for me? Mmkay." Nana demolished another iceball. "You aren't even going that fast."
"Well, we are just having a little fight training. Now you shoot ice at me. Then we can go to a little Hammer practice and call it a day."
"I never said training, Popo. And you know it." She sighed. Only one thing left to do. "Guess I'm going to have to take the lead after all."
She rushed him.
"Oh shit." Popo forgot to fire off an ice ball for a few seconds.
"OH SHIT!" Popo flung the void away to the side and ran back.
Nana stepped back. The void was now firing a barrage of ice shards. Way too much to swing at. Way too much to run past.
That's more like it. Nana smashed her hammer into the ground and waves of ice rose up, tearing apart the shards and dispersing the void.
"Oh, you wanted to fight fight." Popo took all of this in. Nana didn't just crave challenges, she sought out to make them for herself. And she was clearing it with ease. Bits of dust and snow blowing past her pink parka. She was invincible. God, you are so fucking hot.
"Yeah and we're not stopping until I'm good and satisfied. You got that?"
"That's never been a problem before."
"You may be coming up a little short without your hammer."
"My hammer?" Popo realized his hammer was right beside Nana. Oh shit.
"And I'm not giving it back to you. You've already had your handicap. You're going to have to earn it." She got in a fighting stance. "Ready?"
"No."
Nana rushed him.
Popo ran away. Without my hammer to slow me down, I'm the faster one. All I need to do is just turn around and keep her behind me. It'll be a straight shot to my hammer. After a few more seconds of running, popo started veering off to the side. and that's when he realized that Nana was doubling back.
"Going to have to do better than that, Icepop."
"Oh..." Popo was even farther from his hammer than before. but he was also even farther from Nana.
"Well, I do have one little trick left."
Popo put his hands out, and in seconds the wind picked up around the battlefield. Bits of snow emerged, dancing to the ground and clouding the battlefield in a flurry.
"Heh." Normally, this technique would be pretty useless. It maybe could spook off a young rabbit or fox from crops, but no older animal would think twice about it unless seriously needed. It was mostly used for warding off foreigners. Village teens would prank each other with it, occasionally.
Nana started moving it was a very bad idea to stand still when you were blind if I was Popo where would I attack from...
In the polar climate, Popo could sense the vibrations on solid ground Nana was making. Of course, Nana could do the same.
Which meant it was time to get off the ground. Popo lifted his foot, crystalizing the air under him. Shooting out of a beam of ice, Popo ride into the air.
"Are you planning some kind of attack, Popo?" Or Maybe you just wanna sneak around. Standing still while blind wasn't a good idea. If go back to the Hammer he's probably expecting that. But...
She aimed her mitten at Popo's hammer. Just try to take it.
Popo came riding in from above, taking a shot down at Nana. Nana blocked the shot with her hammer, and it instantly sunk into the snow, with the extra weight of ice.
While Nana was busy shattering the ice, Popo retrieved his hammer. The two crucial aspects of life: one is my dick and the other's my hammer. One is for pounding; the other's to slam her.
Twirling it victoriously as he rode back up into the air. "It's over Nanakin; I have the high ground!"
"You underestimate my power." Nana swung her hammer and started spinning in place. The air around her condensed, converging into a Squallnado.
"Oh no you don't." Popo put his hands out and expelled a freezing blast, solidifying the squallnado as it reached him. "Gonna have to try harder than that NanOH SHIT!"
Popo jumped back as a Squall Hammer rocketed above his head. He was now free-falling towards the rapidly-approaching ground. Freezing the air, Popo made a ramp that slid on back to the ground.
"Come over here and fight me like a man, Icepop!" Nana placed her hand on the Squallnado and shattered it.
"No."
"Okay, have it your way."
Nana crept her way on the approach. Her backhand held the hammer close to her body. Her lead hand is outstretched. One step at a time. One step at a time. He's waiting for me to speed up. I'm not giving it to him.
Popo kept a similar form, standing in place as Nana moved closer. Waiting waiting waiting for her to just get close enough.
Nana raised her back foot.
Now.
Popo blasted an ice beam and shot forward. Nana shot a nice beam of her own and the two collided; a solidified being a vice hit the ground
Nana paused for one second till we get our footing, and Popo thrust his hammer. Nana raised her hammer to protect herself; it was slammed back into her chest. Nana staggered back and quickly opted to backpedal as Popo moved in. She gave out a little feint swing. Popo bit on it; committing to a heavy swing with his favorable momentum to disarm her.
He bit on a feint.
Nana swung her arm down. Popo was trying to pull back his swing. Too late. He was in an unrecoverable position.
I'll let him off easy.
Nana shot out an ice beam through her hammer. Popo's knee was encased in ice instantly, and he fell over to the ground. With a quick knock, he shattered the ice, and then his hammer was knocked from his hands. He looked up. Nana was towering above him.
"Uh... hey."
"You should be crippled right now, you know that?"
"I thought I could catch you. What can I say? You're even better than I. thought."
"That's not going to save you." Nana fired an ice beam, pinning Popo's arm to the ground. She dropped her knee into his other arm. She could feel him struggling underneath her. Good.
She reached in and pulled back the hood on his parka, rifling through his hair. Her other hand slid up the side of his face. This wasn't going to be enough for either of them.
Nana brushed her thumb across Popo's lips, prying open the crease and pushing into his mouth.
Popo bit down, catching the mitten in his teeth; holding it in place while Nana slid her hand out.
Feeling the warmth of his bare skin with her own was exhilarating. Every. Single. Time.
Popo spat out the mitten just in time for Nana to press her lips against his. Her bare hand slid down the back of his neck, underneath his layers of shirts; reaching as down into his back as her arm could reach.
It was too much. The tingling that was running up his back as Nana's hand swayed back and forth against it. Her kiss, which despite being able to hold it forever always left him wanting more.
It wasn't enough.
Popo ripped his arm free from the ice trap, pulling Nana even deeper into the kiss. Nana lifted her knee off his other arm. It took a few seconds to get that feeling back into it, but once he could Popo draped his arm over her back.
"Hey," Popo pushed Nana away just long enough to form a word. "Let's go back and do this at home."
"What's the matter? Too cold out? You don't even wanna try it?" Nana took another kiss.
"I'll try it. I'll try it."
She laughed. "We're still fighting, you goof." She put her mitten back on. "Save it for later."
"Oh, you are not blue-balling me this hard right now. "
"It goes with the parka." Nana skipped away, kicking Popo's hammer toward him while picking up her own. "We can go home when you start winning. I'm up 1-0. Maybe that'll encourage you to take this more seriously.
"Oh, that's where you wanna take this." Popo got to his feet and raised his hands. The ground started shaking around him.
Now we're talking. Nana set her feet.
Walls of ice rose, surrounding them both.
"Any reason you did this? Not sure how a closed spaced gives you an advantage."
"Come closer and find out."
God, he's so hot. Nana rushed in. Popo swiped his hand across his body.
Nana hit something with her full force, falling flat on her face. Her hammer skidded forward; Popo stopped with his foot.
"What the—" Nana turned around. A low beam of ice was hurting out of one wall.
"Oh, you motherfucker!" Nana turned back to Popo, who was trying to twirl one hammer in each hand.
"See, I was going to give your hammer back before you said that. But now," he planted her hammer into the ground. "you're going to have it take it back."
"Oh, I'mma take it alright." Nana rushed in.
Popo raised his hand. Nana raised her foot just as a brick of ice shot up from the ground. She leaped forward and didn't even break stride.
Popo swiped his hands diagonally. Nana weaved through the ice beams that were shooting across the walls. She was an ice climber; just that him. A lifetime of cryomancy with her every breath. The vibrations of motion wouldn't be visible to anyone else. Anyone else wouldn't stand a chance of making it to Popo. But she could. And she would. "This is a cheap gimmick, Popo! It's not going to stop me!"
I already knew that, love. Popo threw his hand across his body. An entire sheet of ice shot out in front of her in a wall. No way she could jump over it, but there was just enough room to slide under it. Nana dropped down and let her momentum carry her under the sheet.
Popo's ice beam hit her dead on, encasing her in ice from the waist down.
"AGGGH! What the—FUCK! How did I fall for this?!"
"An Ice Climber shouldn't get too hot-headed." Popo moved in. The plan was to give her confidence. It worked. "Looks like you're the one crippled now, Nans."
"Oh, Fuck you!" Nana raised her arm. A wall of ice shot up, cutting him off from her. "I can do that too!"
Popo looked to the side walls. Good thing he was wearing cleats. Getting a running start, Popo jumped up the side wall and started scaling his way up.
Nana touched the ice at her waist: shattering it in seconds. She looked up. Popo's mitten was on her barrier.
Gotcha.
Nana reached out, shattering the barrier. Popo fell to the ground, using the hammer as a terrible crash pad. Nana went and retrieved her hammer, plucking it off the ground.
"Is that all you got?"
"Nowhere near." Popo picked himself up and moved in.
Nana's legs were still defrosting. It had taken everything to reach her hammer. She raised her hands, lifting five pillars in front of her.
Popo stopped his approach. The spaces were too narrow to move freely through. Moving to the side was walking right into Nana's hammer.
Nana slid out an ice sheet; connecting the pillars. He needs to put his hand on them to shatter them. He can break two at max. That should buy me time. She smacked her leg. It still needed more feeling. But it seemed like Popo was giving her a lot of time. Well, fuck. If it's working this well, I wonder how I can use this on offense.
The sheets exploded into dust. Nana closed her eyes and swung wildly. Nothing but the rush of air.
Popo was standing a distance away, several Ice Voids surrounding him.
"...How?"
"I call it Chain Shattering." Popo fired a solid ice beam at each pillar. With a snap of his fingers, the ends of the beams shattered, running down like a fuse to the pillars, shattering them at the end.
"WHEN DID YOU LEARN TO DO THAT???"
"Uh...just now?" Popo set off his Ice Voids. Iceballs came shooting in. Nana smashed away the first volley before one caught her in the shin; dropping her to a knee before the others toppled her over. One iceball knocked her hammer away and sent it skidding across the ice.
"Gotcha, nana." Popo knelt down, throwing away the iceball that was tucked in Nana's armpit. "Impressed?" He leaned in.
"Always have been." Nana closed her eyes, tilting her head.
She felt a quick pack on the cheek and then the crunching of snow.
"Wait you're walking away." Nana felt this...pulsating feeling. Something she hadn't felt in ages. It was...it was...embarrassment. "That's IT?!"
"That's it." Popo turned around and blew her a kiss.
Nana sprang up and grabbed his arm, yanking him in. She felt the taste of fabric instead. Mitten.
"Na na na, Nana. You said we were only done when I beat you. It's tied now." He picked up his hammer, using his fear to stuff all the desire to laugh. This was a terrible decision, and yet it was the only way either of them were going to hit the next gear.
"Mphrg! Nana spat on the ground. " I changed my mind! We're going home after this; no matter who wins!"
"What if I just lay down for you?"
"I promise you the very worst thing you could do is lay down."
"Heh. I believe you." Popo slid her Hammer back to her; spinning his own in his hand. "Bring it on."
Nana took a few steps forward before slamming a hammer on the ice shock waves erupted from the ground.
Popo slammed his hammer down to counteract it. The ground under his feet wobbled, but he stood upright and the shockwave diverted out around. Nana was already coming in.
The first rule of ancient Tundral hammer-to-hammer combat: leave with as many wrists intact as you woke up with. Every swing was gambling damage to the body part that interacted with the rest of the world. The damage took months to heal when you were already working to survive on a daily basis, and all the corn in the world wasn't gonna save you from a hungry polar bear. With all that in mind, if Nana was still feeling froggy.
"THEN LEAP, WHY DONTCHA?!"
Popo swung his hammer down with everything he had, not an ounce of cryomancy to augment the impact. It was plenty enough to make Nana backpedal quite a few steps. Until she saw the grin on that smug fuck's face. "HELL NO!" She shot out a quick jab with her hammer. Popo lifted his in time to deflect it. Nana attacked with more jabs. No real range or even power behind them. Just enough to make popo constantly defend and step back and step back and step back.
Popo was so focused on Nana's hammer that he didn't see her flick her hand up. A small chunk of ice popped up behind him. As his foot came down on it, he stumbled over and Nana's trap was complete. She disarmed Popo with one swing. Before the little bastard could use ice magic, Nana raised her foot and kicked him right in the chest; knocking him flat on his ass.
"Mock me, will you?!" Her hammer was brimming with magic. Before she could bring it down on him, Popo created a wave of ice shielding him.
"NOT GONNA WORK!" Nana smashed through it instantly. What she didn't was was the ice pillar Popo had made behind it. The pillar slammed into Nana and carried her back. She gripped it and shattered it into pieces, just in time to see Popo grab his hammer again.
"Back to square one, again." Popo laughed. He wasn't sure how. Nana looked like she wanted to club him to death like a baby seal. Electricity coursed through him. The last time he'd felt this, they were fighting outsiders on the water. Men with guns. This, this feeling. All he knew about it was that he wanted more. So. Much. More...
And all of it with her.
They circled each other, swaying their hammers back and forth. Popo did small cross-body sweeps close to his body. He went in for a feint jab. Nana didn't bite.
He pulled his hammer back and stepped into the thrust.
Nana raised her hammer to block. Too late to react to Popo's commit.
Popo's hammer hit Nana's hammer, and Nana's hammer jerked back into Nana's head. Nana's head jerked back and she stumbled away. Her grip loosened and the hammer went limp, dangling in front of her.
Shit. Popo paused. He shouldn't have aimed at her head. He moved in, going for a small sweep. If she's disarmed now, it's over.
Nana raised her hammer, pulling it away and going for a quick jab. Popo barely had enough time to block it and spring back with the recoil.
Nana attacked with another jab at his body. Popo stuffed it. Nana went for a jab at his lead leg. Popo blocked it, knees absorbing the back end of the impact. He winced, staggering back.
Red was trickling down Nana's forehead. She blinked it out of her eye. Another jab to his body. Another stuff of it. Give it to me, Popo. She kept jabbing at his chest. I know you want to do it so bad.
Nana aimed at his leg again.
Gotcha! Popo brought his leg in and swung on a parry sweep.
Nana pushed off her foot and pulled her hammer back.
Another feint?! Popo pulled his hammer back to defend himself, gathering his awkward footwork.
Speaking awkwardness, Nana was going for some kind of step-back. But instead of a full spin, she'd paused her momentum. The head of her hammer was now next to the head above her neck.
Bad Move, Nana! Popo steeped in. She had to swing to defend herself, and he would see the. swing from a mile away. I've got you.
A beam of ice shot out from the handle of Nana's hammer. Popo raised his hammer too late as it struck him at the bridge of his nose. He stepped away trying to gather himself.
He could hear the rush of air from Nana's hammer.
He tossed his hammer up, lowering his hands so the handle flew over them as nana smashed it into the wall. Grabbing Nana's shoulders, Popo shot his lead foot out behind her and swung it back, taking her leg out from under her.
They fell over, Nana hit the ground back first. Her hammer bounced a few feet away.
The sound of panting filled the air. Blood dropped off Popo's nose, falling onto Nana's lips.
"Holy... shit dude. Nana wiped some of her blood away, smearing it on the ground. "Since when could you do that? "
"... Since now. Since when could you extend the handle of a hammer with ice?"
"Learned it last week. Was trying to catch a rabbit and I accidentally skewed it."
"Oh. Nice." Popo rolled over on his back. The two looked up at the sky together, still catching their breath.
"I... enjoyed...every... second...of-of that." She reached out and squeezed his hand.
"Yeah, me too." Popo touched his nose, using his ice powers to clot the bleeding. It was one of the first lessons they ever taught the children back in Tundral Village. He's used it almost every day since. "It's not enough, is it?"
"Nope." Nana wiped the last of her blood and smeared it on the ground in a small red stain. "This is the best fight I've ever had, and still—"
"You're trying to try more than you're actually trying?"
"That..." Nana paused, processing that for a second. "didn't seem like it made sense, but that's exactly what I feel."
"I know. I've been doing the same."
"So even after I told you we would be giving it our all, you still held back on me?"
" You said you wouldn't hold back. So more importantly; you lied to me, Nana."
"I lied to myself. That cancels it out!"
Nana buried her face in her hands, stomping on the snow in her cleats.
"This isn't fucking fair! Why is the one person who can give me a challenge the one person I could never bring myself to hurt? This SUCKS!"
"Heh. I love you too." Popo sat up. There was no other way this could have gone. Good, hard training was a privilege as Tundrals grew older. You were either capable of surviving already, or not going to be around long enough to need it. Burning calories like this wasn't an option when food was always scarce and never certain. But with the surplus... Nana's enthusiasm... this was fun. More fun than what he's had in forever. And he still wasn't really cutting loose.
"I wonder what it would be like if we could do this all the time."
"Yeah..." The sight of Popo made her forget things. Forget the incoming migraine that was going to absolutely sting in a few hours. Forget that polar bears were going to track the smell of blood. Even forget that this fight could only do more harm than good.
None of that mattered. Because Popo was here, and he was her aviliaq, and he was happy.
"Hey, Nans?"
"Yeah..."
"Wanna keep going? Finish this fight?"
"Yeah..."
"Good..." Popo slung his arm forward, pelting Nana in the face with a mittenful of snow. He instantly ran for his hammer. "I would have felt bad if you said no."
" YEAH?!" Nana shook the snow off; running for her own hammer. "WELL, YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT, PENGUINFUCKER! "
Popo grabbed his hammer and turned to face Nana. Her expression said it all—any hope for mercy has been lost.
"Uh...your pretty?"
Aha! She was making that face. That face meant she wanted to laugh but didn't wanna give him the out.
Instead, Nana ran in. Ice shot out of the handle again.
"Uh Oh." Popo raised an ice barrier between them. Just as she reached it, Nana spiked the ice handle into the ground and vaulted over the barrier.
Seeing Nana soar through the air made Popo forget things. Mostly; the fact that a seasoned huntress with a hammer was comING DOWN ON HIM.
"OH SHIT!" Popo rolled out of the way as Nana's cleats pounded into the ground. She extended the hand again and swung it at his knees.
Popo smashed the ice extension and swiped his hand out. A sheet of ice jutted out from the barrier. He flicked his hand and it went shooting down the barrier toward Nana. As she broke it, Popo fired an ice ray at her ankle; cold fusing her foot to the ground.
Popo fired another ice ray as he rushed in. Nana blocked it with her own and slammed her hammer down. The shockwave ruptured the ground and chunks of ice shot up.
"Not enough power, Nans!" Popo jumped from chunk to chunk, staying above the tumbling of the rocks until he jumped off the peak the highest one; dive-bombing down on a prone Nana.
Nana shot her hand out; an ice beam shot out from a rock and right into Popo.
The beam made contact, and Popo's body exploded with a white mist as he was sent sailing.
SHIT. Nana broke the ice around her leg and started running. That was his Flake Jacket.
The Tundrals had developed a unique method of survivability; a technique that allowed them to weave a layer of ice into their parkas. Used to prevent lethal injuries such as getting your spine shattered.
"POPO!" Nana looked up. Popo had created an ice ramp to slide back down to the ground with. He was currently facedown in the snow, hammering off to the side near him.
"SAY SOMETHING!" Nana scanned his body. There didn't seem to be any bleeding, but who knows about his internal damage? And he wasn't fucking TALKING TO HER!
I have to move him. We need to get home. Now.
Nana encased him in ice, freezing everything but his face.
"Shit, what do I do with his hammer? I can't leave it here...well, I can, but it could be a bitch to try to find tomorrow. Can I carry it with my teeth?"
"Just fuse it to your body."
"Oh Yeah, I can do that. Wait," She shot him a look. "You're conscious?!"
"Kinda. Just slowing down the Hypothermia.
"Does this mean you can walk?"
"Not. I am in so much pain."
They had carried each other plenty of times before. So many foraging expeditions, hunts gone wrong. Exploring the landscape. This was the first time after fighting each other. Nana hadd never felt an exhaustion like this. Surrounded by nothing but snow and ice and she felt like she was burning. Someone had tied bricks to every muscle in her body. Home couldn't be that far away, right? Every step made home feel like another hour away. But here was Popo, who could feel her each struggling motion to carry him up the mountainside. That guilty expression erased all doubt. If he thought he could walk, he would. Damn. She had gone too far. What was she thinking? Ice magic was for hunting. Killing. Not some exercise. No wonder people stopped practicing. If it wasn't for the Flake Jacket, he'd be de—
"Hey, Nana?"
"Y-yeah?"
"That was a good fight, right?" Popo gave her a smile. "I still had fun. What about you? Felt good to get it out of your system, right?"
"Yeah."
"We should do it again sometime."
"...Maybe."
"One bowl of trout and eggplant soup, coming right up." Nana moved the bowl from the fire and cooled it off instantly. "Open wide."
While Popo preferred a more cuddly position for eating and sleeping, tonight he was doing it the old fashioned way; straight on his back. "Hmmm," He let the spoonful settle in his mouth. "Its hot. And its ready."
"Is it good?"
"Its HOT. And its READY."
Nana squinted her eyes, staring him down. "Is it GOODT?!"
"Can I criticize you more or less than normal now? Your answer will set the tone for a lot of things."
She cupped his face in her hands, leaning her head down into the kiss. "You are the absolute worst." Popo's grip on her was firm, yet inviting. "I am going to nurse the shit out of you, and then I'm going to kick your ass. Again. I won, so as far as I'm concerned; I'm the stronger one here. so you better enjoy this next little while. Got it?"
"Heh. Got it."
