"Alright, now I know business has been a bit slow lately. Yes, it's no one's fault, okay? I'm not naming any names here... Moxxie." Said imp gave his boss an incredulous look in response. "Now does anyone have bright ideas on how we can get business drumming up again?"
Maria kicked her legs in the seat as Striker lit up a small cigarette and Millie, Blitzo, and Moxxie discussed some ideas such as a 'car wash' or a billboard. She shot up when an idea of her own came to her.
"I know! We could bake and sell cookies to raise awareness." she suggested.
"No offense, sweetie, but we're a killing business, not some cutesy girl scout troop, okay?" Blitz said trying not to sound mean, especially since Striker was giving him a warning glance.
Maria moaned sadly at the rebuke.
"It was a good try, Maria." Moxxie patted her head. Blitz suddenly shoved him off his seat. "Have you guys forgotten what service we provide?" He turned on the TV to run the footage of previous killing jobs. "Ahh, those were the good times."
"We don't need any reminding, sir, considering that you blew most of our salaries on an obnoxious TV ad last week." Moxxie spoke in annoyance.
"Not to mention one you additionally paid to have run for a full three hours on a channel nobody watches!" Striker added; Moxxie's gesture towards him practically screamed "See? He gets it!"
"Uh, hey, excuse me. What's obnoxious about a super fun jingle, alright?" Blitz retorted. "It's a fun distraction when an advertisement's spittin' bullshit!"
"People love musicals, daddy." Maria said.
"Exactly, kiddo. And we're basically doing a musical. Are you gonna crush my musical theatre dreams like my dad did?" Striker groaned as Blitz started rambling. Sometimes, he wonders why the hell he even bothered joining this company. "I can't believe you, guys! After I made you both employee of the month!"
Moxxie groaned in defeat. "Okay, sir! I'm sorry, a commercial jingle is not comparable to musical theatre."
"He's not wrong, Blitz, nobody even actually likes the jingles."
"I liked it." Millie and Maria said simultaneously. Striker frowned at his daughter.
"Do not agree with him in front of me, girl."
"Why not? It's catchy. Although... maybe we could've left out the part where Moxxie shot that kid."
Moxxie felt a twinge of horror at the reminder, but composed himself. "I'd like to go on record and say that incident was Loona's fault. Dispatch is supposed to give us the right info on the target!"
Loona, as usual, kept her eyes on her phone. "Oh, sit on a dick, Moxxie."
"You sit! Sit on... a... And the d.. Do your job!"
"Hey, now, we don't blame our screwups on Loona, okay? She didn't do anything wrong!"
"Are you kidding me, sir? She's awful!"
"Seriously, when does she ever do her job right?" Maria scoffed under her breath.
"Look, the point is Loona is a valued member of our family and you don't get rid of family."
"Blitz, we're NOT your family! Maria and I are family! You are the boss! We are the employees!" Striker retorted.
"And while we're on the subject of 'family', can you stop finding me and Millie outside of work?"
"Come on, sweetie, it's not that big a deal!" Moxxie looked at his wife in disbelief.
"Excuse me, what?!" He glared back at Blitzo. "Just. Stop. Doing. That! Why don't you stalk someone else for a change?!"
Striker rolled his eyes. "Trust me, Mox, he does the same thing to us too."
Moxxie's jaw could've hit the floor if it were possible. "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!"
"Hey daddy, the cookies are done! You want one?"
"Sure, bring 'em out, baby doll!" Maria turned only to find the plate not on the table. Suddenly, she heard chewing coming from the ceiling and looked up to see Blitz eating the cookies.
"Mmm, these are delicious, kiddo. You need to sell 'em."
"Hey, those were us!"
"Maria, what are you-?" Striker didn't even need to finish as he grabbed Blitz by the tail and threw him out the window.
As she slept, Maria felt her bed shift and sleepily opens her eyes only to see Blitz next to her.
"Hiya!"
Striker nearly fell out of bed hearing her scream and immediately ran to her room. Maria was ushered out and she heard punches and Blitz yelling before dad returned, carrying him out by the throat.
"It's okay, sweetheart, you can go back to bed. I'm gonna take out the trash."
"C'mon Strikes, you guys live in Wrath and it takes you longer to get here. I gotta look out for my best sniper!" Striker growled and removed Blitz's arm from his shoulder.
"Blitz, for the thousandth time, I seriously don't appreciate you bargin' in on our business!"
"He's right sir, what you say and how you act is totally inappropriate, ESPECIALLY IN FRONT A CHILD!"
"Calm down, Mox, you're gonna have another panic attack!"
"I AM CALM!"
Millie wrapped her arms around her husband. "Shh, shh. There, there."
"Look, I don't judge the boring couples stuff you do outside of work hours, so don't judge me!"
"What's that mean?" Maria inquired. Striker cleared his throat.
"I'll tell you when you're older, baby girl."
"Oh, I DO judge you, sir. Quite a lot, actually."
"Guys, stop! This isn't helping!" Maria piped up, wanting to stop all this.
"You're one to talk, you clumsy little termite."
"Excuse me?! I am NOT clumsy!" Loona just gave her an "oh really?" look.
"Maria, do you need help?" Moxxie looked up at her in concern.
"It's not too high!" She finally reached the folder... only to suddenly fall over, somehow bringing the boxes she was and wasn't on with her. "See? Nothing to it."
"Hey guys, I got the- WHOOOAAAA!" Maria slid across the wet floor, but thankfully landed belly first onto the couch. Loona merely snickered at her legs dangling in the air.
Maria screamed seeing the large swarm of spiders crawl on Loona up to her neck, she almost didn't realize the cake platter she was holding had flown out of her hands until...
SPLAT!
It landed right on a fuming Loona's head.
Maria chuckled sheepishly, "Oops..."
Loona rolled her eyes. "Honestly, you almost make that Sailor Moon chick you like so much look WAY more dignified!"
"Well, if I'm supposed to be Sailor Moon, then where's my Tuxedo Mask?" Maria retorted.
"Your dad practically IS your Tuxedo Mask, you idiot!"
"At least I don't sit around playing with my phone all the time!" Everyone looked up at her stunned; Moxxie even whistled in astonishment.
"Now, now, girls, let's not squabble. Accidents happen. Not nearly as bad as Moxxie, but y'know."
Striker groaned as the entire group now got into a heated argument. He noticed Maria covering her ears and pulled her close to him.
"You guys are all fucking assholes." Oh yeah, they forgot the brat was still here.
"Oh, shut up, kid! You're lucky to witness this!"
"Umm, why did we bring him down here again, daddy?"
"I have no idea." Striker rubbed his temple. "Damn, this company's such a mess."
"Alright, let's go back to talking about my outfit."
Eddie ripped the tubes of the heart monitor off his chest. "It's been a literal hell having to pretend to be paralyzed so you fuckshits wouldn't kill me! But now I want that, I want death!" He pointed at Blitz. "You are a selfish, greedy clown. And I'm a kid. We're supposed to like clowns, even the creepy ones!"
"Hey now, that's not very-"
"If I wanted to hear from a spineless jackass, I'd rip out your spine and ask you some shit."
"That's my husband you're talking to!" Millie snapped.
Eddie laughed, "That's your husband?! I figured you for a slut, but I didn't know you needed dick that bad."
Maria stood up and jabbed her finger at him. "You can't talk to a lady like that, ya booger-faced hog!"
"Booger-faced hog? That's all you got?" he sneered. "I've heard kindergartners make funnier remarks. You should take lessons from them, hell spawn!"
Striker got to his feet and snarled at him, "You better watch yer mouth when you talk to my daughter, ya little shit!"
"Oh puh-lease! That kid of yours will do anything just to get you to even notice her. But you wouldn't know that, would you?" Father and daughter hissed and rattled their tails. He just scoffed at them and pointed at Loona. "And you!"
"What? What about me?"
"Nothing. I don't talk to dogs. I'm a cat person."
Loona glared at the boy with a dog-like whine before going back to her phone.
"Wow. You know, kid, you kind of are a piece of shit." Now, that everyone could agree with.
Suddenly, Loona's phone made a noise. "Oh, fuck! Guys, I just got a text from our client. Guess he was the right target, after all."
"Who?"
"Him." Loona pointed at Eddie.
"Me?"
Striker blinked in surprise. "Wait a minute, ya mean they actually wanted us to kill a child?"
"That's what they're saying."
There was a pause, then Blitz smirked, "Well, Christ on a stick. I guess there is a god!"
With that, he shot Eddie in the chest and about a split-second after that, Bombproof crashed through the wall and started flailing his lifeless body around like a chew toy.
"Is he allowed to do that?" Maria only got a pat on the head from her dad as a response.
