"I love you."
Three simple words he wanted to say so badly but they seemed violent in his mouth. Like everything he did and said.
It must have started when he left Konoha that his personality became tarnished. At some point everything he did, everything about him started feeling wrong, like he was the cancer to a society that he hated for the most part but included the only people he loved that were still alive.
After he killed his brother and finally turned his back on Orochimaru's ways for good after the war, his life lacked all purpose. The feeling first overcame him when Itachi died. It was all he'd worked for, he'd endured the torture of losing his only home and so much more for. As if it wouldn't have been torturous enough to find himself feeling empty after Itachi's death, he also had to find out that he'd been wrong his entire life. They'd all been wrong and none of them would probably ever acknowledge it. Except for him, but it served no other purpose but to make him feel more miserable each day.
When he returned to Konoha the first thing they did was to lock him up, trying to keep the monster they believed he'd become from causing further harm to the village. They were right to think of him like that, he did so, too. It still made him question why he'd even come back in the first place, but he knew the answer. He didn't have anywhere else to go.
Locked up and bound like the threat to society he was, it really made him feel stripped off all his dignity, which was probably all he deserved after what he'd done.
He still had no clue how Kakashi could bring himself to let him walk. And he ran. For months on end he ran from Konoha, ran from his friends, and he ran from himself, but no matter the distance, he could never escape his past.
Sasuke tried to do right by stopping crimes he witnessed, supporting shinobi from Konoha he ran into on their missions, but none of that changed the fact that he'd end up somewhere alone at night with his own thoughts.
He'd even tried busying himself during the nights, hardly slept for days and for a while that worked, but only as long as he didn't fall into a nightmare ridden sleep he couldn't wake up from even if he tried.
The longer he wandered by himself, the worse it got. Soon his every night was dominated by terrors of the things he'd done in his life and the things that happened to him. Bundled like that and confronted with it every single night it only made him realise just what misery he'd caused to people and ultimately himself as well. When it all became too much to bear he went for the only solution he knew to have always worked; he returned to Konoha in search of Naruto.
A lot had changed since he'd last left. The village was rebuilt and it stood stronger than ever with Naruto as its new Hokage. In a twisted way, Sasuke thought, they'd both fulfilled their dreams from when they were younger. His just wasn't so fulfilling in the end.
Entering the office that was now Naruto's felt equally familiar and foreign. They'd been in here together many times before, just never in this position with Naruto behind the desk.
"Sasuke! Glad you're back!"
As if being gone for a few months had been the equivalent to rotting in jail for the rest of his life to atone for the sins he committed, there didn't seem to be a plan for what to do with him. Sasuke couldn't shake the awkward feeling of him being able to roam around freely because the Hokage said so and not because it was actually the right thing to do. He was supposed to be locked up for eternity. There was no way he could make right by his crimes in this life or the next.
"Tell me everything", Naruto pressed when he didn't answer.
Sasuke looked at him, not really sure where to even begin. "I'd rather not."
There was a short silence, before Sasuke picked up the conversation again.
"So, how does it feel, being Hokage?"
Naruto let his head fall onto the desk theatrically.
"I didn't think there would be this much paperwork."
He sighed, but then chuckled. "It's really not as cool as they make it look."
Sasuke couldn't help but smile.
"You look good, though."
"Thanks."
Silence followed again. The same couldn't be said about Sasuke. He looked like a wreck and he knew it.
"Just let me finish this pile", Naruto said and pointed to a few papers, "and then we can talk over some sake?"
"Sounds good."
As he set down in one of the spare chairs, Sasuke started to grow uncomfortable with the position. He'd wanted to come to Naruto for solace, but all seeing him did so far was to remind him how shitty his life had gone in comparison. How shitty he'd chosen to make it. It felt like life was rubbing his lost potential in his face.
The room was silent apart from the occasional rustling of papers. Sasuke started to notice the weight of his tongue in his mouth and wondered how you were supposed to rest it in there without it feeling uncomfortable. He coughed in an effort to make the feeling go away or to take his mind off it, so his body could go back to autopilot.
Naruto looked up at him. "You okay? Do you need something to drink?"
Sasuke cleared his throat and shook his head. He tried to focus on anything but his tongue and ended up consciously breathing, which really only made the situation worse. The things the body does on its own can be really agitating when you notice them and try doing them manually.
"I'm sorry", he said as he got up and left the room. He'd used to enjoy the silence and often wished for it when they were younger. Naruto had often been much too loud for his liking. The silence now was nearly deafening to him though.
In his mindless state he'd started running away again. He sped out of Naruto's office, down the hall, out of the building and his first impulse was to head for the gates again and leave for good this time but as he caught himself with those thoughts he decided on going to the forest for a bit and calm his breathing which was bordering on hyperventilation by now.
In his frantic escape he hadn't even noticed that Naruto had come after him.
As he finally decided to stop and slumped down with his back against a tree, gasping for air, he noticed Naruto.
"What's wrong with you?" The blonde gave him a concerned look.
"Might be", Sasuke panted, "everything."
He tried to take in a deeper breath.
"I think it's-" And another. "-me in general."
Naruto sat down next to him.
"I haven't seen you for months, have only heard from you through what the people you met told me and then you come back looking like an absolute mess. What the fuck happened to you?"
He wanted to answer him that his past had finally caught up to him. Wanted to tell him that for the first time in years he had no goals, no constant thoughts about revenge and was thus able to reflect on his whole life so far, but saying so many words with such poor air supply seemed like a task he'd rather not face, so he decided on the short version. "Life happened."
To his surprise, Naruto didn't make a stupid comment but instead placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Sucks, I know." The blonde took a deep breath and smiled at Sasuke softly.
"Let's go back to my place and catch up a little."
They did so after another few minutes of comfortable silence for Sasuke to fully calm down and Sasuke was really surprised to find that not only did Naruto talk much more like an adult now, he also must have learned to tidy and clean up his apartment.
Times really had changed, but he decided not to say what he thought.
"I know. Probably not how you remember it", Naruto said and chuckled. "Life happened to me, too. Makes you grow up."
He thought he hadn't made it this obvious in his look. "Sorry, I didn't mean to-"
"No, it's alright. It never used to be tidy here. No wonder you'd notice."
"It looks good. I didn't think you'd still live here."
Naruto looked around the small apartment and continued to smile.
"I don't know. This place has been a big part of my life and I didn't feel like changing that. Honestly, I don't need that much."
He finally took off his shoes and coat he'd kept on to be able to follow after Sasuke as quickly as he did. "Want anything to drink now?"
He went over to the kitchen area. "I have water and-" He looked inside his refrigerator. "Water it is, then."
Sasuke laughed as he tossed off his shoes and went to sit down at the table.
"At least some things never change."
