Author's notes: Happy Halloween! I wrote about half of this for last year, didn't finish it in time, and barely got it done for this year. Enjoy this mildly spooky (but very snarky) Scottish fairy tale!


Everyone knew about the forest of Carterhaugh—that it was haunted by a mysterious fairy named Tom Lin. If any maidens should venture into the woods alone, she would have to leave him some sort of token, such as a ring or a cloak. Otherwise, he would come and claim her virginity instead.

Hence why the local teenagers called it "Fairy Sex Woods." It was a popular spot for couples.

On this particular day, a young lady named Bonnie Jane Lane was traipsing through the forest, her elegant dress flowing behind her as her black boots stomped through the underbrush. She paused beside a well and looked around at the silent trees. She saw a double rose that she had almost crushed underfoot and stopped to pick it, twirling it lazily in her fingers.

"So far this haunted forest is turning out to be a big disappointment."

"Excuse me?"

She turned. A young, handsome man in rich clothes was standing behind her, radiating with a soft, preternatural glow.

Jane crossed her arms and leaned against the well, giving him an appraising look.

"You Tom Lin? Guardian of the forest or whatever?"

"Yeah, actually. I'm watching it on behalf of the Fairy Queen. And by magical law, you need to pay a token to be here."

"Well, my dad is lord of this whole county, so by human law, I can do what I want."

Tom's laidback smile grew uncomfortable. "Yeah, but the thing is...if you don't give me anything, I'm supposed to..."

Jane arched an eyebrow. "Yes?"

"It doesn't have to be much. Maybe those earrings?"

"The earrings were in case you weren't cute."

"Oh. Oh! " Tom's eyes grew wide with realization. "Well, alright then," he said, cheerfully unbuttoning his doublet.


"You went alone into Fairy Sex Woods?! Why would you do that?"

"Gee, Daria, I thought the answer would have been obvious."

Lady Daria's eyes narrowed. Jane shrugged.

"Come on. He was a cool guy, and it was just a little fling. I mean, look at my other options."

She motioned off to where a few of her father's knights were gathered. Sir Kevin had two straws up his nose and was barking like a walrus.

"Yeah, but consorting with the Fair Folk? You do know there will be consequences?"

Jane rolled her eyes. "What's the worst that could happen?"


A few months later, Jane grimaced down at the noticeable bulge of her stomach.

"Look on the bright side. My cousin Erin dated a fairy and broke out in toadstools."

"Shut up, Daria."

Earl Vincent came over and put his hands on Jane's shoulders, his wife standing beside him.

"Janie, I just want to make clear that your mother and I support you, and we're so excited to meet your little bundle of joy! Now, tell me which of my knights did this and I'll have him drawn and quartered."

"Dad, it wasn't—wait. You'll kill any knight I say, no questions asked?"

"Of course, sweetie," said Countess Amanda.

Jane glanced over at the side of the room, where her father's men were assembled. Sir Charles the Exasperating noticed and winked at her. "G-r-r-r-r-r! "

She hesitated for a moment, then decided that it wasn't worth letting people think that she had had sex with Upchuck.

"The father is the sexy elf who lives in the forest."

"What a coincidence! You were conceived in that forest, too!"

"...Yeah, thanks. Anyway, I actually kind of like him, so can we just do the shotgun wedding thing instead?"

"Sure thing! We can hold off the execution until you crazy kids break up."

"Just like we did with Summer!" Amanda added.


"Hey, Tom? Tom?!"

Jane walked through Carterhaugh again, calling. She was beginning to wonder if he was one of those "love 'em and leave 'em" types. She eventually found her way back to the well where she had first met (and done a few other things with) him, at which point she again heard a voice from behind her.

"Hey, Jane! I wasn't expecting to see you again."

"Well, if you had given me your number I could have told you I was coming," she said, turning around to face him.

"Sorry, I—oh, " he said, his eyes falling on Jane's pregnant belly.

"Yeah."

He put a hand to his forehead, exhaling slowly. " Wow. It says a lot that this isn't the scariest thing happening to me today."

"Really? 'Cause I'm not gonna lie, being the unwed teenage mother to a half-elf baby is kind of freaking me out. What do you have going on, a skydiving lesson?"

"No, I'm...actually getting thrown into Hell tonight?"

Jane blinked. Tom stared back at her, his dreamy eyes anxious and his smile twisted into a grimace.

"Okay," she said, slowly easing herself to the ground to relieve her swollen ankles. "Explain."

Tom, after taking her arm to help her, sat down too.

"Okay. First off—I'm not really a fairy. At least, not originally. But I fell off my horse while traveling through the forest, and the fairies claimed me as one of their own. As you do."

"Of course. So, what does that make you? A pet or something?"

Tom's eyes shifted upward in thought. "...Maybe? Technically, I think I'm the Fairy Queen's consort."

Jane arched an eyebrow.

"I mean, I was open to the idea at first," he said quickly. "But then I asked her what her favorite book was, and she got really cold and sent me here to deflower maidens. Again, as you do."

"I'm sensing a general 'fairies are weird' theme to this story."

"Only when they're not being terrifying!" he said, forcing a note of joviality into his voice. "Because the Fairy Queen also has this 'Tithe to Hell' thing, where she sacrifices one of her servants to the Devil every seven years. And she's been dropping hints that that's why she's kept me around for so long. The Tithe is due on Samhain, which is…y'know. Tonight."

"Mm-hmm. I supposing running away would be too easy?"

He shrugged. "Yeah, it's weird magic stuff. I have to do whatever the Fairy Queen says. That means I stay in the woods until tonight, when she and her entourage come by. And then..."

"You follow her into Hell?"

He nodded sadly.

Jane scowled and set her jaw. "Well, you're not getting out of your responsibilities that easily. How do we stop this Tithe thing?"

Tom blinked. "Really? You'll help me escape eternal damnation?"

He laid his hand on top of hers. The look on his face was so sweet that Jane couldn't help but smile.

"Well, it's between that and getting Upchuck to help me raise this baby."


Late that night, Jane was once again in the woods, crouching in the bushes and wearing a green cloak for camouflage. The wall was a few feet away from her, right beside the forest path. She was waiting for midnight, and getting annoyed that wristwatches hadn't been invented yet.

Finally, she heard voices.

"But what if instead of elflocks, we tried giving the horses scrunchies? Wouldn't that be cute?"

"It would!"

The next voice to speak was nasally and haughty. "Well, gee. If you all like Quinn's idea so much, maybe she should be Queen of the Fair Folk!"

"Oh, no, Your Majesty. I could never run the Unseelie Court as well as you. I'm just saying—"

The fairies had come into view now—four glowing maidens on beautiful ponies, followed by Tom, riding a white stallion. From the look on his face, he was starting to long for eternal damnation.

Jane took a deep breath. The plan was pretty simple, on the surface. Years ago, Tom had fallen off his horse and been claimed by the Fairy Queen. Jane just had to do the same thing in reverse.

The Queen passed, followed by her three fairies-in-waiting. Tom looked pointedly away and whistled innocently as his horse trotted by the bushes.

Jane leapt out, grabbed Tom by the legs and pulled him off his horse.

"OOF!"

"AGH!"

They fell onto the grass beside each other, with Jane wrapping her arms firmly around his body. His horse let out a startled cry and ran off, while the fairies all stopped, turning around in their saddles.

"What's going on?!"

"Oouur tribuuute!"

"Some human's got him!"

"Yeah!" Jane said. "I'm—hugging him pretty tight, see? That means I claim him, or whatever."

The Fairy Queen let out an indignant gasp. "Uh, no?! He's mine!"

She waved her hand in their direction, and suddenly, Tom seemed to disappear, leaving a set of empty clothes in Jane's arms.

"Tom!"

"Agh!" said a very small voice, as Jane felt something crawling onto her arm. It was a lizard, writhing out of Tom's shirt and looking around wildly as Jane grabbed at it.

"Whoa! What am I?! This is weird!"

The Fairy Queen let out a frustrated growl, and suddenly, the lizard turned into a snake.

"Agh!" jane said. She wasn't particularly squeamish, but she had to force herself not to throw Tom out of her hand.

"URGH! Okay, you're squeezing a little hard!"

"Let go!" the Fairy Queen screamed.

The snake turned into a dove, and Tom was so startled that he instinctively spread his wings and tried to fly away—Jane squeezed him tight, snapping "TOM!"

"Sorry!" he said, and then they jumped as he turned into a swan. Luckily Jane was still holding a fistful of his feathers, and she threw her arms around him again, all while he flapped his wings in panic.

The other fairies were shouting, their horses prancing nervously from all the excitement.

"Something bigger! Scarier!"

"Tryyy a poooodllle."

"No, a unicorn!"

"Shut up! I know what I'm doing!"

Tom turned into a bear, and then a lion. Jane threw herself onto his back, clutching at his fur. For his part, Tom crouched on the ground and began shaking his head.

"This is unpleasant! What am I at this point?!"

Before Jane could answer, the large body disappeared from under her, and she found herself lying on top of something burning hot.

She grabbed Tom, who was now a glowing coal, and ran toward the well.

"Agh! Am I burning you?"

"Surprisingly, no. Wait, how are you talking?!"

"No idea!"

"Stop her!" the Fairy Queen yelled, but it was too late—Jane threw the coal into the well, and with a sizzle and a splash, a full-grown Tom popped out of the water, in his normal shape and soaking wet. Jane noticed that he was no longer glowing.

"Hey! I'm human again! Also naked," he observed, though only his head and shoulders could be seen above the well's rim.

The Fairy Queen let out a frustrated scream.

"Wow," one of the other fairies said. "Satan is gonna be mad."

The Fairy Queen huffed and crossed her arms. "No. We'll just have to sacrifice Stacy instead."

"What?" said the third fairy, and then screamed, as a circle of flames sprang to life beneath her horse. Long arms, blacker than the night sky, burst out and grabbed her with their wicked talons. Her horse went running as she was pulled off of its back, and ignoring her screams of "NO! HELP!," the arms pulled her down into the flames, which abruptly vanished, leaving no trace behind.

For a moment, nobody spoke.

"Wow, that sucks. Anyway, let's go to the Goblin Market! They're having a sale on fruit smoothies."

"Yuuumm!"

The three fairies trotted off. Jane and Tom watched them for a moment, then turned to each other.

"So, if Quinn's a fairy in this story, does that mean that she and Daria aren't related?"

"I dunno. Hey, can I borrow your cloak? It's getting kind of cold out," Tom said, crossing his arms and shivering.

She threw it around his shoulders, then helped him climb out of the well. "Well, this'll be an interesting 'How I Met Your Father' story. So, how does it feel to be human again?"

"Pretty good? I'll miss the immortality, but it's worth it to get away from those four."

"You think that now. Wait 'til you meet the family you're marrying into. Anyway, come on. I'll show you the way home."

"Hold up," he said, searching around on the ground. "It'd probably look bad if I met your parents without any clothes on."

"Ah, you really don't know what family you're marrying into!"

And so they returned to Bonnie Jane's castle, and lived happily ever after.

THE END