Chapter 8
Mike
Mike did not know what was happening. He was in Simon's car. Simon's car! The boy he had never met and despised in ignorance. "How on earth did I get here?" He asked himself.
…
Mike had started the day in a dark place, the darkest he had ever felt. He had risen about 07:00 getting little sleep and quickly checked out of the motel.
He spent the morning wondering, not having any destination in mind, "there is no destination," he kept repeating to himself. Eventually he worked himself up to enter a café, he ordered a coffee and sat at a table cradling it in his hands. The warmth of the sides giving a burning sensation.
As he sat listlessly, Mike planned his next move. "I hope El made it home ok," he said to himself guiltily, "and if she did, I'd be the last person she would want to see." So going back was out of the question. "My flight home is not for another week," he pondered, "I suppose I could go to the airport, try and get my tickets changed." These practical considerations were the last thing on Mike's mind. But he found that considering them went some way to keeping him sane.
"What about all my stuff?" I hope Will. He had a horrified image of El arriving home and explaining to Will the horrible accusations Mike had raised. "No," Mike said to himself another tear forming, "I can't lose him too." He grabbed one of the napkins on the table, as was his habit, and took the pen out his pocket from last night. "Dear Will," he began but soon stopped. What earth could he say, how could he justify any of it?
He turned the napkin over and put the pen back in his pocket, cupping his chin. "I'll have to be careful," he thought, "maybe wait till El goes out and sneak in, if I see Will I. I just hope he'll let me get my stuff at least."
All of these thoughts made Mike feel worse. 'Sneaking' is that was he was reduced too? He despised himself, his attitude towards El at Pomero's. Instead of letting her speak he had worked her up into a frenzy all because of his stupid insecurities. He took a shallow breath. She will be better off without me he admitted to himself.
With barely half the coffee drunk Mike forced himself up and left the café for more empty wondering. Eventually this took him back towards the Motel he had stayed in and into a park. It was a nice park with a pond, where many ducks swam gracefully without a care. He found a bench with a decent view and sat there, for what felt like hours. In fact, it was hours. The only thing to break him from his trance was the arrival of the strange man in the Tennis whites.
Mike was not one for conspiracy theories but seeing this person, in Tennis whites, standing next to him, made him question the whole of reality. Was there some kind of divine vendetta on his head? Would he be fated for all of time to be reminded of what he had done? Never allowing himself to relax, knowing that another sign would be around the next corner?
But then reality set in. Cold, hard, reality. This was not only a man in Tennis whites. He was, Simon, the boy who had kissed El. 'It was a good kiss, damn good,' El's voice floated into his ear. This made his blood boil, a surge of anger towards this stranger and all that he represented. But he did not even have the will power to keep up his anger. The pathetic insecurities crept back in.
But nothing could prepare Mike for the ultimate revelation. Simon, knew El's, real name. She did not give this out to just anyone it had to be someone, special.
The bottom had fallen out of his world, suddenly this man was not an object of derision. He was almost one of reverence. Someone who understood El and would make her happy. Better than he could have ever done.
He tried to leave he really did. But could not make it, the pain, the searing pain at her loss was too much. But this stranger had picked him up, dusted him off and proclaimed emphatically that El loved him. Him, Mike.
More pathetic bleating had emerged from his lips. Suddenly this stranger had all the answers. And low and behold, he had almost convinced Mike that, maybe, El still.
…
One thing was for certain, he had to find out, to know for sure. So now here he was in Simon's car, driving down the street to El's house. "You need to take a left here" Mike stated. "Yeah, I got it" Simon responded. Mike gave him a horrified expression. "I've only been her once" Simon said quickly, reassuringly. "I gave her a lift to Pomero's yesterday, we were late playing Tennis."
Mike felt a million questions in his mind but ignored them. "One problem at a time, he told himself."
…
Simon eventually pulled up outside and Mike unbuckled his seat belt. "Thanks for the lift" he said. "No worries," Simon replied drawing a breath. "Mike?" He said with an air of desperation as he was about to leave. Mike was keen to get this over with but gave Simon a bit of time. "Yeah?" He said turning back.
"I," Simon stuttered. "I'm really sorry for all the trouble I've caused, for you and for El." Mike felt his generous spirit coming through, he almost smiled. "Simon," he said with genuine feeling, "I'm glad El has found someone here, she can be herself with."
Simon nodded silently. With a nod of his own, Mike left the car walking towards the door, Simon drove off without delay.
…
Just the other day, Mike had walked to this door, hand in hand with El, a wonderful anticipation in his heart. But this anticipation had changed drastically to one of fear and dread.
It took every ounce of courage to knock on the door. The sound of footsteps quickly emerged. Mike closed his eyes bracing for impact. "Mike!" He opened an eye and saw, Joyce. "Oh my gosh," she said drawing him into a tight hug, "we've been so worried about you." "It's ok Joyce," he said trying to reassure her, "I'm fine." "What happened?" She asked looking at him earnestly.
"Mom!" Mike was grateful to hear the voice of Will who was standing behind her, arms folded. "Let me deal with this, ok?" Joyce took a step back, "ok" she said, "but if you need me?" Will gave her a strict look which she took as her cue to withdraw.
Mike stepped over the threshold and Will locked the door. Mike's eyes automatically drew towards El's room and the door which was firmly closed.
"Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes," Will said brightly, "are you ok?" "Yeah," Mike said, though he was far from it. "Will," Mike struggled.
Grateful beyond words Will stepped forward and pulled him into a hug, "its ok man, you can tell me everything later." He released and indicated towards El's room, "you've got something else to do first."
Mike shuddered, "how is she?" "She's pretty shaken up," he admitted, "I was talking to her all morning." Mike could only imagine what they had talked about. "Ok," he said breathing heavily, "I guess I've got to face the music."
"Yeah," Will said. But added, with a smile, "don't worry man, you will be fine."
Will left and walked into the kitchen leaving Mike standing alone. He did not know if he had the strength to walk up the stairs. But some kind of invisible force propelled him forward. He ascended the stairs slowly, one by one, and eventually found himself outside her door.
He reached his hand forward making a fist and with a huge gulp, knocked. No answer, he went to knock again. But at the last second stopped and tried the handle, finding it was unlocked. Without thinking, Mike turned it.
The door to El's room creaked open and revealed, normality. The same familiar colours, her Tennis racket balanced against the wardrobe. But there was a noticeable difference. There were no posters, her walls were bare. As he stepped inside, wondering what had happened, he caught sight of El, sitting with her back to him at her desk, writing.
Mike felt his throat run dry, he pushed the door back slightly but did not close it, not wanting to startle her. He took one step forward.
"I've taken a leaf out of your book," a voice, an angelic voice came from the other side of the room. "I've written you a note." Mike felt a small smile appearing, "is it, on a napkin?" He asked, trying to sound cheery.
The silence felt deafening, Mike hung his head, ashamed.
More silence followed all he could hear was El's pen scratching. He sat on her bed and waited. He would wait until the end of time if he had to, he was not going to make the same mistake again.
Eventually she stopped and put the pen down but did not turn around. "Here," she said passing the note behind her. It was worse than he thought. Mike felt an intense sadness, she could not even look at him. He dutifully leaned forward to take the note, trying to steal a look at her in the process. But all he saw was the side of her head. On her desk were many crumpled pieces of paper, clearly, she had been writing for some time.
He unfolded the note which read…
"Mike,
If I'm lucky, and it's more than I deserve. You will have come back, and I'll get to give you this in person. If not, then I hope Will, will have delivered it to you.
I want to tell you how sorry I am, how I wish I could take back all the things I said, but that's impossible. So instead, I'll tell you the truth. Yes, I kissed someone, his name is Simon and he, was, my Tennis coach.
When I said it was 'a good kiss'." Mike felt a creeping up his spine as he read this. "What I really meant was, I enjoyed it. This is the source of my true betrayal. Along with keeping so many things from you. My Tennis, my inner feelings, my heart." A tear welled in Mike's eye.
"So, in every sense you were right, I did cheat on you. Will tried to convince me otherwise, but I don't think he's right.
All you did was try to help me, being your normal, caring self and I rejected you in the worst possible way. I don't expect your forgiveness, I just want you to know, how much you mean to me. How you have helped me in more ways than you can imagine. I, hope that we can still be friends, though I'll respect your decision if you don't want that.
El.
Mike read it through again, trying to take it in. It was all, wrong, backwards. He looked at the shape of her head, her long brown hair cascading down the back of the chair.
He thought for a moment chewing his lip, "El", he began nervously before getting a brain wave, "can I write you a note?" He saw a visible shudder run up her body, but she obliged. With trembling fingers, she placed a piece of paper and her pen on the bed next to her.
"Thanks," Mike said and picked them up, he managed to resist sucking on the pen as it was El's and instead put it straight on the paper.
"El" he began.
"It is me that needs forgiveness not you. I let my own insecurities get in the way of what you needed and I'm sorry. I should have just let you speak, what I did, what I said will haunt me forever.
"I", Mike sighed as he continued, "I have a truth to tell you as well. I've been scared about us for a long time, worried that by moving away, you would find a new life and not need me anymore. It's so petty, so jealous, but that's the truth. But you kept writing, and every time one of your letters arrived it was like you were right there with me. I loved our conversations so much.
I could see all your inner feelings, your heart." Mike wrote this hurriedly before he changed his mind, "in every word you wrote on the page. Now that I've had an insight into your life here, I'm so grateful. That you have found Tennis, something you love so much and that you have made some great friends."
Mike turned the page over. "Simon came to find me today and, he told me, everything that happened between you two. "The way I see it, cheating was the last thing on your mind. We're in a long-distance relationship and these things can happen." He wrote, not knowing he was echoing Will's words. "I only ask," he took a sad glance at El who continued looking stoically the other way. "That we can talk about this, work something out. But as you closed your letter, I too will understand if you want to break up. I will respect your decision either way.
Mike."
After finishing he placed the pen on top of the note and put it within El's reach. He sat back, all he could do now was wait. El took a while but eventually found it in her to pick up the note. As she read, he heard her sigh, clearly expecting something like this. Mike shouted inside his head, all the things he should have written instead, but then he heard her gasp.
El looked deeply attentive as she read the last part of the letter, presumably the part about. She put it on the desk with a slap.
After taking a moment, she began to turn herself around. Mike was relieved, "at least she's willing to talk," he hoped. But what greeted him made his blood run cold. He had never seen El like this. Empty. Her skin pale, her eyes without the sparkle he loved- so-much, her lips a thin drawn line.
The two looked at each other. Mike began to form some words, "El". "Simon," she interrupted, "he found you, how?"
Mike gave an account of his stay at the motel and how Simon had found him on the park bench. "I see," El said, before Mike could finish. She gazed at him. "Mike, I" she began. But she broke, just as he had done. The tears welled her lips crinkled. "El," Mike said wanting to move towards her. "No," she said emphatically, "stay back," Mike obliged, thinking back to his earlier mistakes.
"I, I'm so sorry Mike." El sobbed. "Why are you," Mike started but then stopped himself, "let her speak dammit" he shouted in his head. "You should never have been put through that," El continued. "I, I'll never speak to Simon again." "El stop" Mike said despite himself. "I'll, get your stuff" she said her eyes darting everywhere, "I'll, pay for your ticket home, you need to get away from me." "El," Mike said standing up. "No Mike, please," she begged waving her hand to stop him.
But Mike did not listen, he moved her hand out the way and threw his arms around her shoulders, holding her tight. "El," he said, "you have to stop." She fought him for a moment, but only for moment. Gradually she relaxed in his arms, breathing steadily.
He gently stood her up off the chair and moved over to the bed. Once she was sitting, he released her. This had all been on instinct and Mike as if waking from a dream moved away. "I'm sorry El, I shouldn't have done that, I."
But with a deep moan El practically jumped on him. He fell flat on his back, her hands skirting every part of his body. She buried her face in his shoulder, panting hard. He could feel her wet tears on his skin.
Mike eagerly drew his arms around her, feeling a few tears of his own fall. They were all for this girl, the person he loved more than life itself, El.
El
El did not know how long she had lain there, all she could sense was this person, someone she honestly never expected to see again. A person that made her insides sing, just at the thought of him, Mike. She had fought against him at first, his touch which she craved so much but did not deserve.
But as his warmth engulfed her, a feeling of calm had spread through her body, making her feel lighter than air.
Then he'd sat her on the bed and had the 'audacity' to apologise. El felt overwhelmed, her emotions going wild, the need to be with Mike all consuming. She pounced like a tiger, moving her hands greedily all over him, breathing in his scent which she had missed so much.
She half expected Mike to resist, but he locked his arms around her back, holding her in place. Gradually the red haze faded, and she felt, a release, the most blissful feeling she'd ever had. A release from her tangled emotions.
…
El loved Will dearly, respected him. Even, believed what he had said. That maybe Mike could forgive her, that they could work something out. But that had begun to fade when she went back to her room.
El looked at the ruined posters, the mess, the insanity created the night before. Painful memories returned as she recalled tearing Martina off the wall followed by all the other posters. Everything about Tennis, felt wrong. If only she had not got into it, Mike would still be here. She had looked for her Tennis racket but unable to find it had given up. Instead, she crawled on the bed in a desperate stupor, unable to feel anything but the anger burning inside her.
Now she did not feel angry, she felt nothing. Seeing the tattered posters, those cherished things, made El sick, sick of herself. Unable to take the sight anymore she'd got a trash bag and began removing the final scraps from the wall, placing it in her wardrobe. Then she'd sat at her desk, staring out the window. She brought herself around long enough to pick up a piece of paper and a pen. "I should end this mess" she thought to herself, "the way I started it." She wrote, 'Mike,' on the top of the page and began a few sentences. But these seemed woefully inadequate, scrunching up the paper she tossed it aside, then another, and then another.
Just as some semi decent words were coming together, she had heard a knock at the front door and voices. "Could that be?" El thought to herself. But she quickly returned to writing, "I've got to finish, I've got trying to hurry." Eventually she heard a knock at her door, she ignored it. Then the handle clicked, and the door opened. El did not even need to turn around, she could feel his presence, his eyes burrowing into the back of her head. She felt trapped.
She waited to hear his risen voice, his anger, but no words came. El could not bear the silence, so she told him about the note she had written, unable to turn around. And Mike, oh he was so Mike, tried to make a joke, with her, after all she had put him through! How could he even do that? She weakly managed to place the note for him to read on the bed.
The safest place seemed to be out the window. The view she had got so used to seeing in the endless months writing to Mike. El lost herself in the panorama, this time a night view with different things to look at. A truck going past at speed, a light coming on in a garage over the road, a couple walking past, hand in hand.
Mike had then offered something which she honestly expected, a note of his own. It was a very Mike thing to do, as if he knew what she was feeling, how hard it was for her to talk. She could read his response instead.
It read like a cutting blow, he asked for her forgiveness, "of course he did," she thought with a sigh. But as El read a name cropped up, Simon. Suddenly her attention focused as she read the last part. About Simon, 'telling him everything that had happened between them.' Her heart beat frantically. "What had he said? How did he know it was him? How?" She slapped the letter down with a force. "I, have to know" El said to herself forlornly, "I'm sorry to do this to you Mike." With that she began to turn her chair, to see the person whose face she could not bear to see. Whose eyes she did not dare look into, for fear they would break her.
…
All that had passed now. His arms felt like a warm cocoon, shielding her against the elements, against herself. He planted a soft kiss on her forehead, which felt like a stone dropping into water, causing ripples of pleasure to flow through her. El smiled, the first time in what felt like an eternity.
Mike opened his eyes. Seeing a smile on El's face, her features relaxed in content, he breathed a happy sigh. He buried his face in her hair and breathed her in.
El gave a gave a light chuckle. "What?" Mike asked his voice muffled. "How do you do it?" She said, continuing before Mike could reply, "make me feel, whole again, like me, in an instant." "Well, I'm not one to brag," he responded. El laughed, happy Mike's Mikeness was still there. "But you kind of do that to me too." El breathed softly, running her hand smoothly along Mike's chest. "Thank you," she said in a whisper.
El took a moment. "Sorry," she said a little guiltily, "for flattening you like that." "Oh, it's ok" Mike replied. He moved his hand down to her jaw stroking lightly with one finger, making El gasp. "I really enjoyed it." "Really?" El asked unable to supress a grin. "Yeah," Mike replied in a husky tone, "it felt, wonderful."
El continued to lie on Mike's chest, listening to his heartbeat, enjoying the strokes he gave to her hair and back. But deep down, she knew they could not stay like this forever, they had to talk.
She shifted and without words Mike understood. He lifted his arms and allowed El to get up, swinging her legs to the side so they dangled over the bed. She leaned against the wall, which provided a cooling sensation on her back.
Mike moved a little to give her space. "I", they both said together. El gave a weak smile, "you first" she said. "Ok," Mike said taking a deep breath. "El, I, I'm not saying for a second that, what happened last night was good." He looked into the distance. "But I think it was necessary." El chewed her lip thinking through his words. "We both had a lot inside," he glanced in her direction, "a lot that we hadn't told each-other, and I think, it was waiting to burst." Seeing her mental cogs moving he continued. "We both said some awful things and I don't think either of us meant them. He gulped, "but maybe we meant the emotion?"
The word made El cringe as memories of anger and desperation flashed across her mind. Hearing silence and Mike seemingly unable to continue, she picked up the narrative. "I think, you're right Mike" El stated. "We both had a lot of emotion locked inside and it came out in the worst possible way." "I" she stalled, "did not think you'd want to see me again after what happened." "I felt the same" Mike admitted, "I didn't think you'd want to see me again either."
The two of them admitting this truth caused them to turn away, both gazing at the floor, feeling distant. "I guess" Mike managed, "we need to figure out what we need to do about that." "Yeah," El said her voice on a low note. "If it helps," she said staring at her knees, "if it helps in any way at all. I forgive you Mike." El finished with finality.
"I forgive you too El" he replied earnestly. "It surely can't be that easy" El said the words escaping, "what I did was so much worse." "What you did was the same," Mike replied. These words surprised El, she looked up, "in what way?"
"We were both lonely." Mike said starting to shift towards her. "We, both needed each other on a deeper level than a letter could provide, though we probably did not know it. And we needed to act on that need."
El looked in disbelief at this person, who sounded like a professional psychologist. Mike held her gaze with an intense expression, "when I say, I forgive you El I'm not saying it lightly. I forgive you because I love you."
"Mike," El breathed, his name catching in her throat. "I, love you El" he said, "and I know you would never do anything to hurt me." "Never." His gaze turned downwards.
El moved forward bridging the remaining gap between them. She held the back of Mike's head and brought it up to hers, placing her forehead against his. "Mike, I'm so lucky, I'm the luckiest person alive to have you." She planted a long kiss on his forehead before leaning down slightly, "I love you too," she whispered in his ear.
Mike squirmed and thew his arms around her in a tight embrace, his face against her shoulder. El did the same, squeezing Mike, as if he would disappear if she let go.
"So," Mike eventually said in another muffled tone, "I guess everything worked out for the best." El released Mike and leaned back giving him a look of passion, "yes it did." She could hold back no longer, El swooped down and found Mike's lips kissing him in a heady rush. Mike responded and placed his hand on her neck the other on her back. El moaned softly and allowed herself to fall backwards. Mike moved himself on top of her. The two gave huge toothy smiles towards each other.
Mike cupped her cheek stroking with his thumb. "El" he said absent minded, "the most wonderful girl in the world." El gave him a sly grin, "enough talking" she said and pushed him down onto her, kissing his lips in a rhythm of passion and bliss.
