Alex was aware of the fact that he loved Brian, in the same way that he was aware that Brian loved him back. It wasn't something he gave much active thought to, but nonetheless the knowledge stayed put in the back of his mind, occasionally forcing itself towards the forefront when Brian gave him that soft smile that Alex knew was reserved for him and him alone.

For all that they tried to ignore the feelings between them, tried to pretend that there weren't any feelings to ignore, they had kissed, once, near the end of Junior year. Alex wasn't even sure how it had happened, really; they'd been studying late one night ahead of a test, their door locked and the blinds drawn, sitting beside each other at Brian's desk to compare notes. They'd turned towards each other for a moment, to ask a question or to debate an answer, but somehow instead of speaking they'd leaned closer to each other, and closer, and then Alex's mouth was pressed against Brian's and they were kissing, soft and chaste but sure.

It had been… nice, at least as it happened. It had only lasted a moment before they'd realized themselves and pulled away, uttering simultaneous apologies and not meeting each other's eyes, but while it had lasted it had felt good.

They'd managed to turn back to their notes and act like nothing had happened for about thirty extremely awkward minutes before they had to face the fact that they were actually going to talk about what had just happened.

And talk they had; once they had started to speak, it had felt almost impossible to stop. They had ended up with no sleep that night, instead spending hours giving voice to all the things that needed to be said. After hesitant confessions, they had veered from topic to topic, hopes and dreams and goals, fears and concerns, stupid inside jokes and memories from long ago, anything that they could think of, still sitting too-close in front of a stack of ignore notes.

Typically, it was rare for them to find anything that they were in full agreement on, especially when they talked about the future, but they had been in immediate agreement about the kiss, and how it could never happen again. It was a mistake, a lapse in judgement between two over-tired teenagers. They'd already made the mistake once, but they couldn't afford to make it again. That part, perhaps, hadn't even needed discussion; as soon as they'd broken the kiss, reality had crashed back down around them, and they both had responsibilities, futures, that would be put at risk by even the slightest hint of something between them. Alex may not have been as desperate to join the military as Brian was, but somehow he didn't think being known as a fag was going to be any help in for applying for corporate jobs either.

The rare look of terror in Brian's eyes as they had broken the kiss had confirmed that he wasn't any more eager to take those sort of risks than Alex was, not that there had been any real doubt.

So they ignored it as best as they could, and acted the same way they always had, no more and no less. Neither of them was a fan of ignoring a problem, even one they had no hope of fixing- and they'd certainly tried, reading through every skin mag they could get their hands on as studiously as if it had been assigned by the General himself- but neither of them were prone to false optimism, either. When the magazines had failed to fix the issue, they'd put the magazines in a drawer, and put the issue out of their minds.

They would never be able to have anything other than friendship, but somehow the finality of it made it easier to accept. It was an absolute, an inarguable truth; there was no goal to strive for here, nothing that could be accomplished with better tactics or more effort. Life was what it was, and they would be content with what they had. And they were lucky that what they had was still pretty good, because there wasn't much hope of anything better.