Lizzie's Redemption

Chapter Three

Lizzie was the first to wake in her dormitory next morning. She lay there for a moment, watching dust swirl in the chink of sunlight falling through the gap in her four poster hangings and savor the thought it was Saturday.

The first week of term seemed to have dragged on forever, like one gigantic History of Magic lesson.

Judging by the sleepy silence and the freshly minted look of that beam of sunlight, it was just after daybreak. She pulled open the curtains around her bed, got up, and started to dress. The only sound apart from the twittering of birds outside was the slow deep breathing of her fellow Gryffindors. She opened her schoolbag, carefully pulled out parchment, quill and her bottle of ink, and headed out of the dormitory for the common room.

Making straight for one the squashy old armchairs beside the now extinct fire, Lizzie settled herself down comfortably and unrolled the parchment while looking around the room. The detritus of crumpled up bits of parchment, old Gobstones, empty ingredient jars, and candy wrappers that usually littered the common room at the end of each day were gone, as were all Hermione's elf hats.

Wondering vaguely how many elves had now been set free, potentially against their will, Lizzie unscrewed the cap from her ink bottle, dipped her quill into it, and then held it suspended an inch or so above the smooth yellowish surface of her parchment, thinking hard…..She hadn't written to her mother since arriving back and so much had happened within the past week that she wasn't sure how she could begin to tell her everything.

She had been warned over the summer to be careful with whatever she put in a letter because the mail was potentially being monitored and letters could easily be intercepted. She wondered if Hayden was aware of this fact.

She sat quite motionless for a while gazing into the fireplace, then finally coming to a decision, dipped her quill into the ink bottle once more and set it resolutely upon the parchment.

Dear Mum,

Hope you and Tara are all right, the first week back's been terrible. I'm so happy it's the weekend. We've got a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Umbridge. She's nearly as nice as Darth Vader. A lot of thing have been happening this week. Students from the Toronto Institute of Witchcraft and Wizardry are spending the year here.

I've already made friends with one of them. His name is Hayden Chamberlain, he's a sixth year, and he's a prefect. He kind of reminds me of Anakin Skywalker. He's very nice.

But I don't want you to worry. I've got the Jedi trials coming in June, so I don't have time for that.

Give Tara a big hug for me

Love and hugs

Lizzie

Lizzie reread this letter several times, trying to see it from the point of view of an outsider. She could not see how they would know what she was talking about. In reference to the Jedi trials – meaning her O.W.L.s – she couldn't imagine anyone perceiving that as anything out of the ordinary. Star Wars was virtually unknown in the Wizarding world. Only her friends who came from Muggle families seemed to know about it.

She did hope that her mother replied in due time. Mrs. Brooks hadn't seen the true extend of her only daughter's mental health decline because Lizzie 'masked' or hid it so well. Kept her chin up, put a smile on her face, and pretended things were good when in fact, they weren't. Not even close.

Considering it was a very short letter, it had taken a long time to write; sunlight had crept halfway across the room while she had been working on it, and she could now hear distant sounds of movement from the dormitory above. Sealing the parchment carefully, she climbed through the portrait hole and headed off for the Owlry.

"I would not go that way if I were you," said Nearly-Headless Nick, drifting disconcertingly through a wall just ahead of her as she walked down a passage. "Peeves is planning an amusing joke on the next person to pass the bust of Paracelsus halfway down the corridor."

"It wouldn't have anything to do with Paracelsus falling on top of that person's head, would it?" asked Lizzie.

"Funnily enough, it does," said Nearly-Headless Nick in a bored voice. "Subtlety has never been Peeve's strong point. I'm off to find the Bloody Baron…He might be able to put a stop to it…See you later, Elizabeth….."

"Yeah, 'bye," said Lizzie, and instead of turning right, she turned left, taking a longer, but safer route up to the Owlry. Her spirits rose as she walked past window after window, showing brilliantly blue sky; if only she was still riding…today would be a perfect day to go out for a hack…..

Something brushed her ankles. She looked down and saw the caretaker's skeletal grey cat Mrs. Norris, slinking past her. She turned her lamplike yellow eyes upon Lizzie for a moment before disappearing behind a statue of Wilfred the Wistful.

"I'm not doing anything wrong!" Lizzie called after her. She had the unmistakable air of a cat that was off to report to her boss. Lizzie could not see why; she was perfectly entitled to walk up to the Owlry on a Saturday morning.

The sun was high in the sky now and when Lizzie entered the Owlry, the glassless windows dazzled her eyes; thick silvery beams of sunlight crisscrossed the circular room in which hundreds of owls nestled on rafters, a little restless in the early morning light, some clearly just returning from hunting.

The straw-covered floor crunched a little as she stepped across tiny animal bones, gazing around for a free owl.

She found one way up in the rafters as she put her middle finger and her thumb in her mouth and let out an earsplitting whistle as the other owls ruffled their feathers indignantly. A large barn owl soared down to her as Lizzie handed her letter to it and carried it over to one of the windows, and with a moment's pressure on her arm, the owl took flight into the blinding sunlight.

Lizzie watched it until it became a tiny black speck and it vanished, then switching her gaze to Hagrid's hut, clearly visible from the window, and just as clearly uninhabited, the chimney smokeless and the curtains drawn.

The treetops of the Forbidden Forest swayed in the light breeze. Lizzie watched them, savoring the fresh air on her face, thinking about how on a day like today, she would very much like to go down to the stables and see Raven.

But that was not possible anymore. Raven was gone, and he wasn't coming back.

Lizzie sighed as numbness and grief consumed her once more, and all she could think about was cutting herself to make it all go away…..to feel something…..anything…..

She joined Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Hayden at the Gryffindor table five minutes later. "You okay?" asked Hermione. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" asked Lizzie, pulling a plate of toast toward her. "You just seem…..down," said Hermione. "I'm okay," said Lizzie. "It's just been a rough week, that's all."

"Well, look at it this way," said Hermione brightly. "You'll have plenty of time to catch up on homework!"

Lizzie had been pouring herself some coffee as she slammed the carafe on the table so hard that the surrounding dishes shook and she stared indignantly at Hermione. "That supposed to make me feel better?" she asked, her expression hard.

Hermione looked like she didn't know what to say. "L-Lizzie…I-I didn't mean to…I wasn't trying…"

"How's Jedi settling in, Hayden?" asked Ron. "Good, I think," said Hayden. "He was a bit riled up when he arrived, but Professor Grubbly-Plank turned him out in the paddock and let him run for a bit." "At least you have a horse," said Lizzie miserably. "Lizzie…" said Hermione. Suddenly not feeling very hungry Lizzie stood up from her seat. "See you guys later," she said as she got up from the table and walked out of the Great Hall, ignoring the jeers and insults from the Slytherin table.

Lizzie walked up the marble staircase and down the corridor into the girl's restroom before going into a stall and locking the door behind her.

She took her razor blade out of her tampon case and rolled up her sleeves, dragging the razor across her arm multiple times, momentarily distracting her from her grief and emotional pain.

After a minute, Lizzie held a wad of toilet paper to her fresh cuts, waiting for the bleeding to stop, until after two minutes, she rolled down her sleeves and put her razor back in her tampon case before exiting the bathroom.

She immediately ran into Hayden as she walked out into the corridor. "Hey," she said. "Hey, why'd you run off like that, you okay?" asked Hayden. "Of course," said Lizzie. "Never better."

Hayden gazed at her. Something behind her eyes was telling him that things weren't okay.

"I'm sorry I brought up Jedi in front of you," he said. "Don't apologize," said Lizzie. "Look, I'm sad that Raven's gone, but I'm dealing with it. I just need some time, that's all."

Hayden nodded, prepared to believe what she was telling him, when he looked down and saw blood trickle down her right wrist, staining the cuff of her shirt. And it wasn't coming from the cut on the back of her hand.

"Lizzie, you're bleeding," he said, knowing that her arm hadn't been bleeding during breakfast.

A look of realization crossed Hayden's face as he put two and two together in his head. "Lizzie….." said Hayden. "It's nothing," said Lizzie suddenly looking very flustered. "I fell, that's all."

She turned and began walking down the corridor as Hayden stared after her.

Now he realized just how serious this was. People don't hurt themselves out of grief. There was something else going on here. What it was, Hayden didn't know yet. All he had heard of Raven's death were exaggerated stories from people about how Lizzie had allegedly killed him. He knew now that this was more than likely untrue, but he still had yet to hear the real story from Lizzie, and she seemed more than unwilling to talk about it.

He knew that it was likely that Lizzie bore some responsibility for what happened to Raven, otherwise she wouldn't be hounded on a daily basis by people that used to be friends of hers, accusing her of causing his death. She had no one now. Harry, Ron, and Hermione had made feeble attempts to console her, but no one had ever tried listening to her. Not until she met Hayden.

Hayden sighed as he broke into a run down the corridor in the direction Lizzie had gone.

Lizzie was halfway down the corridor and at first didn't hear Hayden's running footsteps trailing after her. "Lizzie, wait up!" said Hayden. "What do you want, Hayden?" asked Lizzie as she continued to walk. "Lizzie, I saw the blood on your shirt," said Hayden. "I told you, I fell!" said Lizzie. Hayden by this point was not convinced at all. "Why, Lizzie?" he asked. "Why would you do that to yourself?"

"You don't know what you're talking about," said Lizzie defiantly, as she turned to face him. "I think I do," said Hayden, his icy blue eyes soft and full of concern and sympathy. "And up until now, you've gone a pretty good job of hiding it, I'll give you that." Lizzie remained silent, yet Hayden could have sworn that he heard her whisper, "You don't get it."

"Lizzie," said Hayden, walking slowly toward her. "This doesn't have anything to do with what happened to Raven….."

"Stop!" Lizzie shouted, her voice echoing off the stone walls. She was so tired of it all. Tired of people accusing her of killing Raven, asking her to open up, asking her to talk. It seemed like it was always Raven this, and Raven that. She wanted to forget that it ever happened. She didn't care anymore.

"Just…..just stop, okay?" Lizzie begged. "When are people going to understand? I don't want to talk about Raven! I don't care anymore! I'm just done, okay? So – so just leave me alone!"

"You know I can't do that, Lizzie," said Hayden gently. "You're hurting yourself. I can't let this go." Lizzie scowled at him. "This is beyond me," said Hayden. "I don't know how to help you, but I wish so badly that I could…."

"I don't need help – especially from you!" said Lizzie. "Really?" asked Hayden. "You really think you're dealing with it? Prove it. Show me your arm."

Lizzie scoffed, turned on her heel, and began to walk away down the corridor. "There's nothing wrong with me, Hayden," said Lizzie. "Then show me!" said Hayden. Lizzie stopped walking as she stood still in the middle of the corridor.

"Lizzie," said Hayden, walking up behind her carefully. "Please…Just show me." Lizzie sighed and closed her eyes. There was no use trying to hide it anymore. Hayden already knew. She slowly turned to face him. She wasn't scowling anymore. She looked broken.

Lizzie sighed again as she rolled up the sleeves of her robes, then her sweater, then unbuttoned the cuff of her shirt and rolled that up too.

Hayden's jaw dropped in shock. There were at least fifty or more cuts along Lizzie's inner and outer forearms, both left and right in close proximity to one another in various angles. Some looked fresh, others looked several days old, and had begun to scab over, while others were merely scars, standing out stark white against her skin.

"Oh, Lizzie….." said Hayden staring at the cuts on Lizzie's arms, then at her. Lizzie's eyes were swimming as she suddenly burst into tears and fell into Hayden's arms, sobbing uncontrollably.

"Okay….okay," said Hayden, catching her as she fell, allowing himself to fall to the floor with her, hugging her close as she continued to cry. "Shh…It's okay….It's okay," he whispered. "I'm sorry!" Lizzie sobbed. "I know," said Hayden softly, still holding her.

He stayed with her for over ten minutes, letting her cry, until she stopped sobbing and the only sound that could heard in the isolated corridor was of her sniffling. Lizzie wiped her eyes from beneath her glasses with the sleeve of her robes, her face still shining with tears, as more continued to fall.

"Why don't we go somewhere private so we can talk, huh?" asked Hayden. "Okay," said Lizzie. "Yeah?" asked Hayden. "Mm-hmm," said Lizzie. Hayden wrapped an arm around Lizzie, hugging her close as he led her into a disused classroom less that ten feet away.

Lizzie was still sniffling and crying silently as she sat down at one of the desks. "How did Raven die?" asked Hayden, his tone still gentle and full of sympathy. Lizzie sighed deeply and wiped more tears from her eyes. "We – we were…..doing a horse show in London about a week after term ended…It was during the showjumping. Draco Malfoy was there competing, and well, you probably know by this point that he hates me." "I guessed," said Hayden.

"He went and did his round before me. I was waiting outside the gate for my name to be called, and as he exited the arena and passed me, he stopped and said, "Don't be too upset when your lose – people like you don't belong here."

Hayden looked stunned. "He actually said that to you?" he said. "Mm-hmm," said Lizzie, nodding as she sighed.

"My name was called as I trotted into the arena on Raven, and I picked up my canter. I tried to concentrate on the jumps but my mind kept bringing me back to what Malfoy had said. And normally I wouldn't let something like that bother me. Then, it was like all I could focus on was beating him. I starting pushing Raven to go faster. I don't remember how fast we were going…..It – felt like time had stopped….everything was in slow motion…."

"But you cleared the jumps?" asked Hayden. "All but the last one," said Lizzie. She sighed. "This is really hard….." she said as she began crying again. "We….rounded the corner to go over the final jump, and I started to feel him slow down…" "What happened?" asked Hayden.

"I knew he was going to refuse so I took my crop, and I hit him – two or three times – as he sped up again and went over the jump. But…as his front feet hit the ground, I felt him stumble and he fell over. I remember falling off at him. At first he just – lied there, then he got up again. That's when I noticed that there was something wrong with his left front leg…..He wasn't putting any weight on it…"

Fresh tears fell from Lizzie's eyes as she took a deep breath and continued. "Professor Grubbly-Plank was there, and she examined his leg. It was really bad break. He fractured his sesamoid and his pastern."

Hayden nodded. The sesamoid and pastern were the two bones in the fetlock of a horse. Break them, and they almost never heal.

"I was told that even if they attempted to heal it by magic, there was little chance it would work, and even if it did, he would always be in pain."

"So you had to put him down," said Hayden sadly as Lizzie nodded. "I remember saying goodbye to him. I told him that I was so sorry, and – and that I loved him, and I'd never forget him. Professor Grubbly-Plank gave him an injection of the Draught of Living Death to put him down. After giving it to him, she waited for a few minutes then checked his heartbeat. Then she looked at me, and said that he was gone."

Tears streamed from Lizzie's eyes as she sniffled loudly and wiped them away. "I'm so sorry," said Hayden. "I kind of lost it when she told me. I fell to my knees and I just started screaming. I was so upset and hurt and guilty and angry….." "Angry?" asked Hayden. "Angry at myself for what I did and angry at Malfoy for what he said to me!" said Lizzie. Hayden nodded, understanding.

By this point he had begun to surmise that Lizzie had been bullied by the Slytherins and especially Draco Malfoy possibly for as long as she had been at Hogwarts. And astonishingly, it seemed, no one had ever tried to stop it.

"Did you keep anything of Raven's?" asked Hayden. "I have a photo album with pictures of us, and I kept his halter," said Lizzie. "What happened to him?" asked Hayden. "I mean, what did they do with his body?"

Lizzie shrugged. "I dunno," she said. "I went straight home for the summer after that, so I have no idea."

"Why did you star cutting yourself?" asked Hayden. "It – it made the pain go away," said Lizzie, her voice thick with emotion. "So I didn't have to think about it. About what I did…."

Hayden nodded. "After a while, I couldn't feel anything anymore. I was just numb, and I wanted to feel something…anything…" said Lizzie.

"Cutting allowed you to feel?" asked Hayden. "Yeah," said Lizzie. Hayden thought about the number of cuts he found on Lizzie's arms. She either had been doing this for a long time, or there was another reason she was doing it.

"Is there something else?" he asked. Lizzie nodded. "I felt so…..so guilty over what I did and I was never held accountable for it! I was never punished for it when I should have been. So I thought if no one was going to punish me…" "Then you would punish yourself," said Hayden. "Yeah, pretty much," said Lizzie. "Does that make sense?"

A normal, less open-minded person, such as Hermione for instance, might have said 'no' and written off Lizzie's behavior as 'crazy' and 'attention-seeking.'

But Hayden didn't see it that way. He knew by now that she wasn't doing it for attention, because if she had, she would have gone out of her way to show people the cuts on her arms, and she had done the exact opposite of that.

Rather than make it known that she was cutting herself, she made a desperate attempt to hide it as best as she could, and up until now, she had succeeded.

"Almost everyone at Hogwarts was at the show that day and saw what I did," said Lizzie. "And what they saw was you forcing Raven to take the final jump. In their minds, you killed him," said Hayden. "Yeah," said Lizzie.

"Did you tell anyone what happened before you went in to do your round? What happened with Malfoy?" asked Hayden. "I only told McGonagall, Dumbledore, and my mum," said Lizzie. "But no one else knew what happened?" asked Hayden "No one else except you," said Lizzie. Her eyes had almost run dry of tears now. She stared down at the cuts on her arms as two new emotions overtook her: Regret and shame. The cuts would eventually turn into scars and those would last forever. A permanent reminder of yet another bad choice that she made.

"What have I done?" Lizzie moaned, holding her head in her hands. Hayden put a hand gently on her shoulder. "You don't have to punish yourself anymore," he whispered. Lizzie stared at him and sniffled. "Sorry for the tears. I've always hated crying in front of people – it's so embarrassing." "Crying doesn't mean that you're weak," said Hayden. "It means that you've tried too hard to be strong for too long." "I wouldn't be a Gryffindor if I wasn't strong," said Lizzie. "And that's okay," said Hayden. "It's okay, not to be okay. And you can always come to me when you're not."

Lizzie glanced up at him. "Really?" she asked. "Really," said Hayden, smiling. "I'm here whenever you need me." Lizzie smiled – the first genuine smile that Hayden had seen since meeting her. "After Raven died, I promised myself I would never ride again, and I wanted to go to the Grand Prix before that. There has never been an equestrian with Cerebral Palsy to win the Grand Prix yet." "And you wanted to be that one?" asked Hayden, sounding very impressed. "Yeah," said Lizzie.

"Are you starting to wish you hadn't quit?" asked Hayden. Lizzie shrugged. "Maybe, a little bit," she admitted. "I always used to say that riding horses wasn't something that I did, it was…." "Part of who you are?" asked Hayden. Lizzie nodded. "I know the feeling," said Hayden. "Would you ever want to ride again?"

"Eventually," said Lizzie. "I just – don't feel ready just yet. I just need some time to process everything."

Hayden nodded. "Take as much time as you need, and when you are ready, come talk to me and we can work on getting you back in the saddle."

Lizzie almost felt like crying again. Hayden had been so nice to her this past week, helping her with her homework, and now her was offering to help her get back into riding when she was ready for it.

"You should get those checked out by Madame Pomfrey," said Hayden, nodding at the cuts on Lizzie's arms. Immediately, Lizzie began to panic. If Madame Pomfrey found out she was harming herself, she could send her away to a psychiatric hospital or worse, she could be expelled if they found out that she had a razor blade in her possession.

"You can't tell her!" said Lizzie. "Lizzie," said Hayden gently. "I really think Madame Pomfrey should know….." "No, please!" Lizzie begged. "I don't want anyone to find out! You're the only one who knows about it! If anyone else finds out…."

Lizzie had started to cry again, this time out of fear. "Please, please, Hayden, you can't tell her! You can't tell anyone!" she begged desperately.

Hayden sat there thinking. On one hand, this was a very serious matter. If a student was harming themselves, then there had to be something in the school rules that stated teachers or other members of faculty were obligated to know about it for the safety of the student and others.

But on the other hand, Hayden thought about how close-knit of a school Hogwarts was. He had only been here a week and yet he quickly discovered how fast news traveled within the school. Almost nothing stayed secret for long.

If he were to tell Madame Pomfrey, McGonagall or Dumbledore about Lizzie harming herself, word would surely travel around the school in no time, giving the rest of the student body free license to bully her some more, and she was already so emotionally fragile at this point, he didn't think she could take it. It would break her.

"Okay," he said finally. "Could you at least let me clean them for you?" He pulled a bottle of some strange purple liquid from the pocket of his robes. "What's that?" asked Lizzie. "Essence of Dittany," said Hayden as he pulled the stopper from the bottle that had a dropper attached to the cap as he carefully dripped the liquid onto Lizzie's numerous cuts.

The Dittany stung and burned like fire as Lizzie inhaled sharply through her teeth. "Sorry," said Hayden as he gently blew on the cuts and the burning subsided.

The cuts now looked several days old. New skin had formed across her arm, stopping the bleeding instantly.

Lizzie's eyes widened in surprise. "It's the only thing I feel safe doing," said Hayden replacing the stopper on the bottle of Dittany. "Since you don't want to go to the hospital wing this is the only other option." "Thank you," said Lizzie. "For everything." Hayden nodded. "If I asked you to stop, would you?" he asked.

Lizzie didn't immediately give a straight answer. "I didn't mean to hurt him," she said. "I just wanted…" "To prove a point?" asked Hayden. Lizzie nodded. "I realize now that it wasn't a point worth proving. I never meant for it to happen," "I believe you," said Hayden. Lizzie smiled appreciatively. "You don't know how much that means to me," she said. "Just being believed, it feels so much better." "Enough of a reason for you to stop?" asked Hayden. "Yeah," said Lizzie. "I think I can do that." "Good," said Hayden.

"And I don't want you to hesitate to come and talk to me when you need to," said Hayden. "Numbing the pain for a while will only make it worse when you finally feel it."

Lizzie nodded "Okay," said Lizzie. Hayden smiled at her as he wrapped his arm around her and the pair of them left the classroom.

As they walked down the corridor, they continued to talk. "I take it that day at the horse show wasn't the first time Malfoy had given you a hard time?" asked Hayden. "No way," said Lizzie. "At first it started out as mean words, then it escalated into other things." "Like what?" asked Hayden. "I've had bruises, black eyes, broken ribs – I've had my two front teeth knocked out and had to have them regrown….."

"Yikes," said Hayden. "That's not even the worst part," said Lizzie. "One time, when he and his friends were beating me up in the corridor and when I was down, Malfoy stepped on my face and broke my jaw, then he spat on me, and just…..left me there. I think at least ten minutes went by before anyone found me in the middle of the corridor."

Hayden looked horrified. "Didn't anyone try to help you?" he asked. "There were other people in the corridor watching it happen but…..nobody helped or even told them to stop."

Hayden nodded seriously. "It's called the 'Bystander Effect'," he said. "Is that what the kids are calling it these days?" asked Lizzie. Hayden chuckled. "It's basically when people see someone in distress and they don't help, because they think someone else will."

"At least I have an explanation," said Lizzie. "You doing okay?" asked Hayden. "Better, thanks," said Lizzie. "Good," said Hayden.

Even though it was the weekend, Lizzie was reminded that she still had a gigantic load of homework to do, and as much as she didn't want to spend her Saturday doing homework, she knew that she had to get it done one way or another or risk falling behind, and she couldn't let that happen. Not in her O.W.L. year.

"Remember when you offered to help me with my homework?" asked Lizzie. "Mm-hmm," said Hayden. "I might have to take you up on that offer," said Lizzie. "Let's get to it then," said Hayden. Lizzie smiled as they continued to walk down the corridor together.

They went back up to the Gryffindor common room where they began on Lizzie's ever increasing homework load. Hayden had his own homework to complete so at least they weren't doing it alone.

In between homework assignments, Hayden would pick Lizzie's brain on topics like the Titanic and Star Wars, and very quickly discovered how knowledgeable and well read she was.

Not only did Lizzie know a lot of general trivia on both Titanic and Star Wars, but she also knew a great detail about how the two films were made.

"So, when did you start riding?" asked Hayden as they pored over Lizzie's half finished moonstone essay for Snape. "Third year," said Lizzie. " Though people tried to talk me out of it." "People tried to talk you out of riding, why?" asked Hayden. "I couldn't use my legs back then," said Lizzie. "Hasn't anyone here heard of Para-dressage?" asked Hayden. "That doesn't exist here," said Lizzie. "But through a combination of hard work and physical therapy, I eventually developed the strength to use my legs."

"Who was your trainer?" asked Hayden. "Remus Lupin," said Lizzie "He was my Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher during my third year, then last year, a Hufflepuff student named Cedric Diggory took over."

"Why didn't Professor Lupin stay?" asked Hayden. "No one wants the Defense Against the Dark Arts job – the rumor is that it's jinxed. None of the Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers I've had have lasted more than a year."

"What about Cedric?" asked Hayden. "What happened to him?" "He was murdered by You-Know-Who last year," said Lizzie simply. "I didn't see it happen, but Harry did." "I'm sorry," said Hayden. "Thanks," said Lizzie. "Raven died two weeks later,"

"Oh, Lizzie!" said Hayden sympathetically. "That must have been like a double whammy for you!" "It was," said Lizzie. "Losing Cedric was hard, but losing Raven was harder."

By dinnertime, they had already finished her moonstone essay, her bowtruckle portrait, her essay for the Inanimatus Conjurus Spell, Professor Sinistra's long and arduous essay on Jupiter's moons, and another essay from Professor Sprout.

Having Hayden for company definitely made doing homework at the very least, tolerable, and much less lonely.

"Jupiter's biggest moon is Ganymede, you had it as Callisto – I fixed it for you," said Hayden, handing Lizzie her essay back after proofreading it. "Thank you," said Lizzie. "It's really nicely written, you did a good job," said Hayden. Lizzie beamed.

It was past midnight when they called it a night and Lizzie gave Hayden a long hug, thanking him profusely for his help "I owe you one, Hayden. Really," said Lizzie gratefully. "You literally saved me from getting an ulcer."

"Just promise me you'll come and talk to me when you need it – I don't want to see any new cuts on your arms," said Hayden. "Deal," said Lizzie. "Night then," said Hayden. "Night," said Lizzie as she watched Hayden turn and climb back out of the portrait hole.

Lizzie appeared to be a much happier mood at breakfast the next morning, even when the Slytherins made their usual disparaging comments and jeered in her direction as she sat down next to Hayden at the Gryffindor table. This time, though she did not react to their taunts.

As Hayden helped himself to toast and pumpkin juice, he leaned into Lizzie's direction.

"Hey, Liz, I was wondering if you could answer a question for me," he said. "Sure, what's up?" asked Lizzie, pouring herself some coffee.

"How exactly did the Titanic break apart?" asked Hayden. Lizzie set down the coffee carafe as a huge grin spread across her face, and Hayden couldn't help but admit to himself that she looked really pretty when she smiled.

"Do you want me to tell you, or do you want me to show you?" asked Lizzie, smiling. Hayden frowned. "What do you mean, 'show me'?" he asked. Still smiling broadly, Lizzie grabbed a banana from a nearby bowl of fruit. "Here she goes again," Ron muttered. "What?" asked Hayden. "She's going to show you the Banana Peel Theory," said Harry. "What's the Banana Peel Theory?" asked Hayden. "You'll see," said Hermione.

Lizzie was still smiling as she held the banana horizontally with the end of it tilted slightly downward. "Right, so imagine the bow is going down like this, the stern is being lifted out of the water, and you've got a center of buoyancy right here in the middle," she said, pointing to the underside of the banana. "This is gonna be so cool, 'cause it's gonna break just like the ship!" said Lizzie. Hayden was trying his best not to laugh. Her enthusiasm over this was quite possibly the cutest thing ever.

Lizzie took both end of the banana and slowly began to break it. The break happened at the top first, and then worked its way down as Lizzie pulled it apart – very much like how the break in Titanic happened.

"So it starts to break at the top, and there's a buckling failure underneath, which you can see," she said. "Mm-hmm," said Hayden.

Lizzie continued to tear the banana gradually, until the only thing that was keeping the two sections of fruit together was the peel. "Now, the stern is falling back," said Lizzie, pulling one end of the banana one way, and the other the opposite way.

"The bow's sinking down, and as they fall back – see that? There's the double bottom," "Right, because the Titanic had a double bottom keel," said Hayden. "Yep," said Lizzie. "And so there it is, separating from the two parts of the ship. Now the only thing missing here is you've gotta tear it…"

She tore one part of the banana and held the two torn piece together with the piece of the banana peel simulating the double bottom of the Titanic.

"And so this is how the bow separates, and drops down, then you've got the stern sitting on the surface with this piece of double bottom. Stern goes vertical, like so," she moved the half of the banana into a vertical position. "And drops down like this, heading for the ocean floor at high speed, and the double bottom that's just hanging on there, bends back, breaks off, and goes zooming across the debris field about a quarter mile away."

Hayden stared openmouthed at her. "How do you know all this?" he asked, completely awestruck. "I've done my research," said Lizzie. "I can see that," said Hayden. Lizzie beamed.

History of Magic was as boring as it ever was. And when the bell finally rang, Lizzie was pleased to see Hayden outside in the corridor apparently waiting for her. "How was class?" asked Hayden. "Ugh! Total snooze-fest! I don't know how I managed to stay awake!" Hayden smiled. "Hey," he said. "How would you like to meet Jedi?" Lizzie's face brightened. "Okay!" she said happily, as she followed Hayden down the corridor.

They made their way down the marble staircase, out of the large oak front doors, and out onto the grounds toward the stables located near Hagrid's cabin which still appeared to be vacant.

The stables were a gorgeous elongated structure lined with stone and white walls, with an arch in the center atop of which was a clock tower. There were spires on each end of the roof with four windows lining each side of the upper floors.

Through the large sliding barn doors that were set with square glass panes, the inside of the barn was just as luxurious. The floors were made of white stone tiles, and the stalls, divided by white enamel pillars were made of mahogany wood with a drop latch set on the door, and the top halves of the stall doors were open, allowing the horses to stick their heads out and socialize with one another.

On the left hand side, past the first three stalls on the right were more stalls, and beyond that was the tack room off to the left.

The tack room was two stories high with saddle racks lining the right side, each saddle set on a rack with a golden horse's head, a nameplate, and a cubby below to store grooming supplies and a hook to hang bridles, martingales, and breastplates.

On the left side were racks that stored spare helmets and a shelf full of spare tall and paddock boots. There was a sofa against the wall with drawers underneath that stored polo wraps, splint, brushing, and bell boots.

There was another rack that held saddle pads in various designs and colors.

The upper floors held large wardrobe-like cabinets for riders to keep their show clothes and other essential items.

As Lizzie and Hayden walked through the doors, the familiar smell of hay, leather cleaner, and manure filled Lizzie's nostrils and it was like remembering an old friend whom she hadn't corresponded with in months.

They walked down to the third stall on the left and stopped. A bay horse was munching on hay from a net on the wall of the stall as he nickered in a friendly way when he saw them.

"This is Jedi," said Hayden. "He's gorgeous!" Lizzie gasped, taking a step closer.

Indeed, he was. Jedi was nearly seventeen hands with a rich copper coat, and a coal black mane and tail. He had two white socks on his right front and left rear feet, and a blaze streaking down his forehead

Lizzie shyly reached out to him with her hand as he walked forward and gently snuffled her hand affectionately, breathing on her through his nose.

"He likes you," said Hayden as Lizzie smiled. "He normally doesn't warm up to strangers so fast. Here….." he pulled a few peppermints out of the pocket of his robes and handed them to Lizzie. "See if he'll eat them out of your hand…"

Lizzie took the sweets one by one in her hand and held them out to Jedi as he sniffed them and then gently ate him out of her hand. "He's really sweet," said Lizzie. "He's the best horse I've ever had," said Hayden, smiling. "I'm glad you like him."

Another horse whinnied and stuck their head out of the stall. She was pure black, just as Raven had been, with no white markings. She nickered at Lizzie as though trying to get her attention.

"Hey, Flicka! How're you doing? It's been a while," said Lizzie, walking over to the stall and petting Flicka's face.

"Flicka?" asked Hayden, walking up behind her. "Yeah, I sort of…..named her that," said Lizzie. "It means….." " 'Pretty girl'," said Hayden, nodding at Flicka. "I like it. Very fitting."

"Hagrid brought her up from the forest last year as a project, now she's one of the best-trained lesson horses," said Lizzie.

Hayden smiled as the bell rang and he gave Jedi one last peppermint before they left the stables and made their way back up to the castle, Flicka watching Lizzie from inside her stall.

Next was double Transfiguration, as they continued to work on Vanishing Spells, and this time, Lizzie was able to successfully vanish her snail properly, earning her ten points to Gryffindor.

As the bell rang at the end of the lesson, Professor McGonagall called Lizzie up to her desk.

"Very nice work on your Vanishing Spell today," she said, nodding approvingly. "Thank you, Professor," said Lizzie. "How has your first week back been?" asked Professor McGonagall. "To be honest, lousy," said Lizzie. Professor McGonagall peered down at her through her square framed spectacles and nodded seriously. "Yes, I heard you said some rather disrespectful things to Professor Umbridge last week," she said. Lizzie stared at her. Umbridge denied that Voldemort was back and Professor McGonagall was calling her disrespectful?

"She called Harry a liar, and said that You-Know-Who hasn't returned! What was I supposed to say? I wasn't going to let her get away with that!" "You also called her 'delusional," Professor McGonagall pointed out.

"You didn't hear her! The things she was saying were ridiculous!" Lizzie snapped. "Be that as it may, I urge you in the future to mind your thoughts and how you voice them around Dolores Umbridge," said Professor McGonagall sternly. "Getting into trouble in her class will cost you much more than detention. Do you understand?"

"Yes, ma'am," said Lizzie. "I need to speak to you about another matter," said Professor McGonagall. "Oh?" asked Lizzie. "It has been brought to my attention that you have been harming yourself. Is this true?"

Lizzie's heart sank. Hayden had personally sworn to her yesterday that he wouldn't tell anyone, and she had taken him at his word.

Now she felt both stupid and a little more than frustrated. "Who told you?" Lizzie demanded. "Hayden?"

"Is it true or not, Miss Brooks?" asked Professor McGonagall. Lizzie sighed heavily. The jig was up. There was no way she could lie her way out of this one if Hayden had told her. "Yes," she said finally. "Professor," she added, in an attempt to sound more polite. "Let me see," said Professor McGonagall. Lizzie rolled up her sleeves to reveal the half healed cuts on her arms. "Hayden healed them up for me," said Lizzie.

Professor McGonagall gazed sympathetically at Lizzie. "I assume this has to do with Raven?" she asked. "It has everything to do with it," said Lizzie. "It's my fault he's gone. Professor, I've gone over that day over and over in my head a million times! I don't know why I pushed him so hard! If I had just focused on enjoying the ride instead of proving some stupid point to Malfoy…."

"Mr. Malfoy had no right to say those things to you," said Professor McGonagall firmly. "Regardless of what he or any of the other Slytherin students say or think of you, you will always have a home here."

Lizzie smiled. "It's nice to be wanted, but…it won't bring Raven back. And it won't undo the choice I made that day. I have to live with that for the rest of my life."

Professor McGonagall nodded. "Hayden told you, didn't he?" asked Lizzie. "Yes, he came to see me yesterday," said Professor McGonagall. Lizzie groaned. "I can't believe he broke my confidence! He looked me straight in the face and he swore he wouldn't tell anyone! He promised me!"

"Miss Brooks, if we believe a student may do harm to themselves or others we are obligated to know about it," said Professor McGonagall. "You're not still hurting yourself are you?"

"No," said Lizzie. "Hayden and I talked the other day, and…..I promised him I would stop. Talking to him….It feels so much better than cutting."

Professor McGonagall smiled. "It sounds like you've made a new friend, and a very good one.," she said. "I really needed one too," said Lizzie. Professor McGonagall nodded. "Very well, Miss Brooks, I won't keep you longer, just know that you can come and talk to me if you need it. My door is always open."

"Thanks," said Lizzie. "By the way, I noticed Jedi was put in Raven's old stall." "I told Mr. Chamberlain he could use it," said Professor McGonagall. "Why…..?" asked Lizzie. "We couldn't keep it as a shrine," said McGonagall simply.

Lizzie felt like Raven's memory was being desecrated. That stall hadn't just been his, it was hers too. They had shared that stall, Lizzie had kept it clean for him, and she used to sit on her tack trunk and read to him. So many fond memories, and now someone else was using that space. Their space. It didn't seem fair, yet Lizzie knew there was nothing she could do, because the stables and stalls within were Hogwarts property. Lizzie only leased that space, it didn't belong to her.

Professor McGonagall opened a drawer of her desk and pulled out a nameplate bearing the name RAVEN: Loved by Lizzie Brooks on it and handed it to Lizzie. "You're welcome to keep this if you like," she aid as Lizzie took it and stared at it. "Thank you, Professor," she said as she turned and walked out of the classroom.

The rest of her classes for the day passed with little event and as she sat down in the Great Hall for dinner, she felt slightly happier knowing that Professor McGonagall was on her side when it came to what happened to Raven, that she had her support, and despite what Malfoy said about her, she still had people at Hogwarts that cared about her. That felt really nice.

As Lizzie was helping herself to prime rib and potatoes, Hayden sat down next to her. "Hey, how was your day?" he asked. "Better," said Lizzie. "Good," said Hayden. "Anything interesting in the Daily Prophet this week?" asked Lizzie, cutting a piece of prime rib and putting it in her mouth.

"Only that Umbridge has been made High Inquisitor, and she's going to be regularly inspecting lessons – that's how she got the Defense Against the Dark Arts job: Fudge appointed her!"

Lizzie choked on her prime rib as Hayden thumped her hard on the back. "High Inquisitor?" asked Lizzie. "Inspecting classes? What does that mean?"

"I guess it means she wants to make sure the teachers are up to standard with Ministry of Magic-approved curriculum, and not teaching anything they shouldn't," said Hermione.

"Can she do that?" asked Hayden. "Now that she's got this fancy new title, I would say yes," said Ron.

Lizzie was silent as she remembered Professor McGonagall's warning to her only that afternoon about minding her thoughts, and indeed her tongue around Umbridge.

"McGonagall warned me about this," she said. "She did," asked Harry. "She didn't mention that Umbridge was High Inquisitor, but she did kind of tell me off for standing up for you," said Lizzie.

"What did she say?" asked Hermione. "She basically said that I need to be careful about my thoughts and how I voice them around her," said. Lizzie. "In other words, 'be mindful of your thoughts, they betray you," said Hayden, smiling. "Something like that," said Lizzie smiling back.

Tuesday began with double Charms and thanks to Hayden, Lizzie was able to perform a countercharm correctly on the second attempt, earning Gryffindor five House points and overwhelming praise from Professor Flitwick .

"Thanks for all your help on that countercharm – it really, really helped," said Lizzie appreciatively as she and Hayden walked out to the stables for their break. "Anytime," said Hayden.

Jedi was waiting in his stall as Lizzie guided Hayden to the tack room and showed him where his stuff was, as he picked up Jedi's grooming tote and brought it out to Jedi's stall.

A large polished mahogany tack trunk stood outside the stall, set with gold hardware and edges, the name JEDI painted in gold on the front in ornate letters.

Hayden set Jedi's grooming tote on the tack trunk, before taking out a curry comb and rubbing it in circular motions into Jedi's coat as Lizzie watched him.

"What kind of horse is he? I never asked," said Lizzie. "Jedi?" asked Hayden, who had now taken out a brush with hard bristles and began brushing him. "He's a Canadian Warmblood." Lizzie smiled. "Naturally," she said. "He's beautiful. Is he gelded?" "No," said Hayden. "Have you ever thought of breeding him?" asked Lizzie curiously. "I've thought about it, but I don't want to breed him to just anyone."

Lizzie nodded. She knew enough about horse genetics to understand why Hayden wanted to make sure he bred Jedi with the right mare when the time was right.

"You wanna try brushing him?" asked Hayden Lizzie looked slightly intimidated. "Don't worry, he won't bite you," Hayden promised. "O-okay," said Lizzie as she cautiously walked into the stall, carefully approaching Jedi, and slowly began to run the brush through his coat. Hayden stood behind her in case she lost her balance.

Jedi began to lick his lips contentedly – a sign of submission. "I used to do this all the time with Jedi when I first bought him," said Hayden. "It really helped us bond." "Yeah, I did the same with Raven," said Lizzie. "How long have you had him?"

"Three years," said Hayden. "And how old is he?" asked Lizzie. "He's six," said Hayden.

After she finished brushing Jedi, Hayden picked out his hooves and brushed his mane and tail before clipping a lead rope to his halter and walking him out of the stall. Lizzie noticed the name on Jedi's halter read "Rebel Alliance" which Lizzie assumed was Jedi's show name.

The wonderful sound clip-clop sound of Jedi's shoes on the tile floor hit Lizzie's eardrums like a beautiful song as Hayden led him along the barn aisle, past the tack room, and into the arena on the left.

The arena was just as stunning as the rest of the barn. White sand covered the floor with white oak low walls, and high windows. Candles floated in midair lighting up the room, and along the oak walls were dressage letters with mirrors at the far end.

Littered throughout the sanded arena floor were various jumps of different heights; Oxers, two-bars, three-bars, crossrails, four-bars, verticals, and even a liverpool (a jump comprised of rails with a pool of water on the other side. The rider has to jump over the jump and the pool without landing in it).

On the far wall near the door to and from the arena, were hooks that held lunge reins, whips, and other training equipment. Beyond that was a seating area for people to observe other students during their lessons. The seats were set up similar to bleacher seats; long benches made of white oak, like the walls, stacked one above the other.

Hayden walked Jedi into the arena and handed the lead rope to Lizzie.

"Could you hold him for a second?" he asked. Lizzie nodded as she took the lead rope in her hand, and began to pet Jedi. "He's so lucky to have you," Lizzie whispered as she stroked Jedi's face and kissed him.

Hayden had gone over to the far right wall near the bleachers to retrieve a lunge rein and whip, and when he turned, he saw that Jedi was licking his lips contentedly again as Lizzie continued to pet him.

He smiled, pleased with the fact that Jedi had taken a liking to Lizzie, and she appeared to like him. Maybe one day he would let her ride him…

He had heard from what remaining friends that Lizzie had, that up until Raven's death, Lizzie had been the best rider in the entire school. He just hadn't seen it for himself yet…

He came back with the lunge rein in his hand as he clipped it to Jedi's halter, removing the lead rope, and led him to an open area of the arena, using the whip to gently push him out into a circle.

Lizzie stepped away and walked over to the bleachers to give them some space as she sat down on the bottom-most bleacher and rested her elbows on the wall with her face in her hands as she watched Hayden work with Jedi.

Hayden made several fast clucking sounds with his tongue as Jedi immediately picked up his trot. It was absolutely beautiful to watch! Not just Hayden, and the way he was able to control him, and give very little to no instruction, and get the response he wanted, but Jedi himself was such a beautiful mover! He was so light on his feet that he almost seemed to levitate, his hooves barely brushing the surface of the sanded floor.

Lizzie stared transfixed as Jedi continued to be led in a circle. Hayden glanced over his shoulder at Lizzie and saw the look of deep longing on her face. He knew that he couldn't ask her to get on a horse when she had told him that she wasn't ready to. But he could slowly introduce her back into the horse lifestyle by getting her involved in other activities with the horses that didn't include riding.

"Hey, Liz, come here for a moment," Hayden called from across the arena. Lizzie got up from her seat and made her way into the arena as she walked over to him and Jedi who had suddenly stopped trotting in a circle.

"What's up?" asked Lizzie as she approached him. Hayden held out the lunge rein to her. But she didn't immediately take it, staring at him, confused. "You work with him," said Hayden, still holding the lunge rein out to Lizzie.

"Seriously?" asked Lizzie. "Yeah," said Hayden as Lizzie slowly, and hesitantly took the lunge rein from his hands. There was just one problem.

"I can't stand up for no more than two minutes – maybe less. My legs get too tired," said Lizzie.

Hayden glanced around the arena and found a mounting block near one of the crossrails, and his face lit up.

He walked up to the mounting block, picked it up with one arm, and carried it over to Lizzie, setting it down in front of her. "Do you work out?" Lizzie blurted out, not really thinking about what she was saying.

Hayden laughed "If lifting and carrying around hay bales and water buckets counts as working out," he said, taking Lizzie's hand and helping her to sit down. "Okay, so what you're going to do, is you're going to guide him in a circle and when you can't extend your arm anymore, you're going to throw the lunge line up and over your head, like a lasso," he said.

"Okay, I think I can do that," said Lizzie. "Okay," said Hayden, kneeling next to her and holding her hands in his to help her, and Lizzie felt another jolt of electricity shoot up her spine.

"Ready?" asked Hayden. "Ready," said Lizzie. "Okay," said Hayden as he clucked at Jedi again as Jedi picked up his trot.

Hayden guided Lizzie's arms so that she could lunge Jedi; gently moving her arms outward and over her head so that she wouldn't overextend them.

"Good," said Hayden as he let go of her arms once she seemed to have the hang of it. "Try and see if you can get him to canter. He'll do whatever you ask."

Lizzie nodded. "Jedi, canter," she said, making a long kissing noise as Jedi immediately picked up his canter as she guided him in a circle, throwing the lunge rein over her head as he passed her. "Very good, Lizzie. Nice job," said Hayden, nodding approvingly.

Jedi cantered several more revolutions before Lizzie coaxed him to a stop. "Good boy," said Lizzie, petting Jedi's face as he walked up to her. "You did great!" said Hayden. "That was fun!" said Lizzie happily. "Thanks for teaching me!" "No problem," said Hayden.

The bell rang as Hayden unclipped the lunge line from Jedi's halter and put it up before clipping the lead rope back on and leading him out of the arena.

Umbridge was not inspecting Snape's class, much to Lizzie's relief. Two of the teachers she despised the most in one room would have been unbearable.

It was a small comfort, because when Lizzie's moonstone essay that Hayden had so kindly and scrupulously proofread numerous times, was handed back to her, there was a large spiky black D scrawled in the upper right hand corner.

"I have awarded you the grades you would have received if you presented this work in your O.W.L.," said Snape, with a smirk, as he swept among them, passing back their homework.

"This should give you a realistic idea of what to expect in your examinations."

Snape reached the front of the class and turned to face them. "The general standard of this homework was abysmal. Most of you would have failed, had this been your examination. I expect to see a great deal more effort for this week's essay on the various varieties of venom antidotes, or I shall have to start handing out detentions to those dunces who got D's," he said, casting a malicious look in Lizzie's direction.

He smirked as Malfoy sniggered and said in a carrying whisper, "Some people got D's? Ha!"

Feeling too embarrassed to share her grade with everyone, despite that she had worked really hard on it. Lizzie slid her essay into her bag without saying another word.

Filled with a strong determination not to give Snape an excuse to fail her again, Lizzie read and reread every line of the instructions on the blackboard at least four times before acting on them. Her Strengthening Solution wasn't precisely the clear turquoise shade of Hermione's, but it was at least blue rather than pink like Neville's and she delivered a flask to Snape's desk at the end of the lesson, feeling a strong sense of relief that he didn't demand that she make eye contact with him this time, though he did demand an extra foot in her venom antidote essay.

"He's got a vendetta against me! I swear!" Lizzie growled as they climbed the steps out of the dungeons and made their way across the entrance hall for lunch.

"And homework didn't go bad either, did it?" said Hermione. When neither Lizzie, Harry, or Ron answered, she pressed on, "I mean, all right, I didn't expect to get the top grade, not if he's marking to O.W.L. standard, but a pass is quite encouraging at this stage, wouldn't you say?"

Lizzie didn't say anything, but at the same time, didn't have the heart to tell Hermione not to rub it in her face.

"Of course, a lot can happen between now and the exam, we've got plenty of time to improve, but the grades we're getting now are a sort of baseline, aren't they? Something we can build on?"

When did she become such an optimist? Lizzie thought bitterly as they sat down at the Gryffindor table, Lizzie sitting next to Hayden who had already started eating.

"Obviously I'd have been thrilled if I'd gotten an O….

"Hermione," said Lizzie sharply as Hayden looked up from his plate, a confused expression on his face. "If you want to know what grades we got, just ask, but for God's sake, no one likes a bragger!"

"I don't – I didn't mean – well, if you want to tell me…" "What's going on?" asked Hayden, his soup spoon halfway to his mouth. "Remember that moonstone essay you helped me with?" asked Lizzie. "Mm-hmm," said Hayden, spooning soup into his mouth. Lizzie passed the essay across the table to him.

"This is the grade Snape so generously gave me," said Lizzie sarcastically, pointing a long fingernail that was dip-powdered a shade of glittering fuchsia – Lizzie did her nails herself – at the large black D in the corner.

Hayden stared in shock at the essay. "He gave you a D?" he asked. Lizzie nodded. "But I helped you!" said Hayden furiously. "Did you give her all the answers?" asked Hermione intrusively. Lizzie glared at her. "I don't see how that's any of your concern," said Hayden coolly. "She needs to learn to do these things for herself, you can't keep helping her all the time, Hayden. Otherwise, she'll never learn!"

Hayden glowered at Hermione's condescending tone. It wasn't helping. "You're tone isn't very helpful either," said Hayden darkly.

"What about you, Ron?" asked Lizzie, ladling soup into her bowl. "I got a P," said Ron dully. Lizzie smiled sympathetically. His was bad, but hers was worse. "Well, that's nothing to be ashamed of," said Fred who had just arrived at the table with George and Lee Jordan and was sitting down on Harry's right. "Nothing wrong with a good healthy P."

Hayden frowned. "But P stands for…"

" 'Poor,' yeah," said Lee Jordan. "Still better than a D….." "Which is what I got," said Lizzie. "But D stands for…" said Hayden. " 'Dreadful'," said George. "Yep."

"Did you ever get any of those?" asked Lizzie. "On my O.W.L.s?" asked Hayden, tearing a roll in half. "No, thank God. My parents would have killed me…"

Lizzie smiled. So his parents valued his education much like hers did. "Mom and Dad always said that I could only compete in horse shows and participate in lessons as long as I always put my schoolwork first," said Hayden, biting into the roll he had just torn in half. "Same here," said Lizzie. "It sounds like your parents had their priorities right when it came to you two," said Hermione, her tone changing suddenly from condescension to approval.

"Mum did the best she could," said Lizzie shrugging. "What about your dad?" asked Hayden. Lizzie hesitated with her spoon halfway to her mouth. "He…..died when I was seven – cancer," said Lizzie. Harry looked up from his soup and stared at Lizzie. In all the time that he had known her, not once had she mentioned this.

"I'm sorry," said Hayden. "It's fine," said Lizzie, clearing her throat and setting her spoon down. "So, top grade's O for 'Outstanding,' yeah?" she asked. George nodded. "Then, there's – what – A…"

"No, E," George corrected her. "E for 'Exceeds Expectations'."

"I'll consider it a blessing if I get that in Snape's class," said Lizzie. "And I've always thought Fred and I should've got an E in everything because we exceeded expectations just by showing up for the exams."

Hayden snorted and coughed as he doubled over his soup bowl, laughing. Lizzie was laughing too, mostly because she thought Hayden had a really cute laugh. It was contagious.

Soon everyone joined in except Hermione, who plowed on, "So after E, it's A for 'Acceptable,' and that's the last pass grade, isn't it?"

"Yep," said Fred, dunking an entire roll in his soup, transferring it to his mouth and swallowing it whole.

"Then you get P for 'Poor'," said Ron, raising his arms in mock celebration.

"Then D for 'Dreadful'," said Hayden.

And then T," George reminded them. "T?" asked Hermione, looking appalled. "Even lower than a D?" "Yeah, how's that possible?" asked Lizzie. "And what does it stand for?"

"Troll," said George promptly. Both Hayden and Lizzie laughed, though Lizzie wasn't sure whether or not George was kidding. Immediately the mental image of trying to conceal from Hermione that she had gotten T's in all her O.W.L.s entered her brain and immediately resolved to work harder from now on, with as little help as possible.

"You guys had an inspected lesson yet?" asked Hayden. "Not yet," said Hermione. "You?"

"Yeah, just before lunch – Charms," said Hayden. "What was it like?" asked Harry and Hermione together with Lizzie listening intently.

"Not that bad. Umbridge just lurked in the corner, making notes on a clipboard. You know what Flitwick is like, he treated her like a guest, didn't seem to bother him at all.

"Did she say anything to you?" asked Lizzie. "She asked me a couple of questions, and I answered them, that was about it," said Hayden shrugging.

"I can't see Flitwick getting marked down," said Lizzie. "Yeah, he usually gets everyone through the exams all right," said George.

"What've you got this afternoon?" asked Hayden. "Trelawney," said Lizzie, suddenly reminded of the prediction that she made on her first day back. She still had no idea what any of it meant, or whether to take it seriously.

"And Umbridge herself," said Harry. "Well, be a good boy and keep your temper with Umbridge today," said George. "You too, Lizzie," said Hayden sternly. "Remember what Professor McGonagall told you….." "All right, all right, I'll channel my inner Jedi and mind my thoughts," said Lizzie.

But they didn't have to wait for Defense Against the Dark Arts to meet Professor Umbridge. As Lizzie joined them in the Divination classroom after finishing her physical therapy in the hospital wing, and pulling out her dream diary, Harry nudged her in the ribs as she looked around and saw Professor Umbridge emerging through the trapdoor in the floor.

The class, which had been talking cheerily, fell silent at once. The abrupt fall in the noise level made Professor Trelawney, who had been wafting about, handing out Dream Oracles look round.

"Good afternoon, Professor Trelawney," said Professor Umbridge with her wide smile. "You received my note, I trust? Giving you the time and date of your inspection?"

Professor Trelawney nodded curtly and looking very disgruntled, turned her back on Professor Umbridge and continued to give out books. Still smiling, Professor Umbridge grasped the back of the nearest armchair, and pulled it to the front of the class so that it was a few inches behind Professor Trelawney's seat. She then sat down, took her clipboard from her flowery bag, and looked up expectantly, waiting for the class to begin.

Professor Trelawney pulled her shawls tight about her with slightly trembling hands, and surveyed the class through her hugely magnified lenses. "We shall be continuing our study of prophetic dreams today," she said in a brave attempt at her usual mystic tones, though her voice shook slightly. "Divide into pairs, please, and interpret each other's latest nighttime visions with the aid of the Oracle."

She made as though to sweep back to her seat, saw Professor Umbridge sitting right beside it, and immediately veered left toward Parvati and Lavender, who were already deep in discussion about Parvati's recent dreams.

Lizzie opened her copy of The Dream Oracle, watching Umbridge covertly. She was making notes on her clipboard now. After a few minutes, she got to her feet and began to pace the room in Trelawney's wake, listening to her conversation with students and posing questions here and there.

Lizzie bent her head hurriedly over her book. "Think of a dream, quick!" she hissed at Harry and Ron, "in case the old toad comes over here….."

"I did it last time!" Ron protested, "you do one this time, Liz." "My dreams area all the same these days," said Lizzie. "They never change."

Harry didn't need asking. He knew that she kept having the same dream about the day Raven died.

"It's your turn," said Lizzie to Harry. "You tell me one." "Oh, I dunno," said Harry desperately. "He couldn't remember dreaming anything at all over the last few days. "Let's day I dreamed I was…..drowning Snape in my cauldron. Yeah, that'll do…"

Lizzie sniggered as she glanced down at The Dream Oracle. "Okay, we've got to add your age to the date you had the dream, the number of letters in the subject….would that be 'drowning', or 'cauldron,' or 'Snape'?"

"It doesn't matter, pick any one of them," said Harry. Lizzie looked up from her book. Umbridge was now standing behind Professor Trelawney's shoulder making notes while the Divination teacher questioned Neville about his dream diary.

"What night did you dream this again?" Ron asked Harry, immersed in calculations. "I dunno, last night, whenever you like," Harry told him. Lizzie was leaning on the edge of her seat, trying desperately to hear what Umbridge was saying to Professor Trelawney. They were only a table away from them now. Professor Umbridge was making another note on her clipboard and Professor Trelawney was looking very put out.

"Now," said Umbridge, looking up at Trelawney. "You've been in this post how long, exactly?" Professor Trelawney scowled at her, arms crossed and shoulders hunched as though wishing to protect herself as much as much as possible from the indignity of the inspection. After a slight pause in which she seemed to decide that the question was not so offensive that she could reasonably ignore it, she said in a deeply resentful tone, "Nearly sixteen years."

"Quite a period," said Professor Umbridge, making a note on her clipboard. "So, it was Professor Dumbledore who appointed you?"

"That's right," said Professor Trelawney shortly. Professor Umbridge made another note. "And you are the great-great granddaughter of the celebrated Seer Cassandra Trelawney?"

"Yes," said Professor Trelawney, holding her head a little higher. Another note on the clipboard. "But, I think – correct me if I am mistaken – that you are the first in your family since Cassandra to be possessed of second sight?"

"These things often skip – er – three generations," said Professor Trelawney. Professor Umbridge's toadlike smile widened.

"Of course," she said sweetly, making yet another note. "Well, if you could just predict something for me, then?"

She looked up inquiringly, still smiling. Professor Trelawney stiffened as though unable to believe her ears.

"I don't understand you," said Professor Trelawney, clutching convulsively at the shawl around her scrawny neck.

"I'd like you to make a prediction for me," said Professor Umbridge clearly.

Harry, Ron, and Lizzie weren't the only people watching and listening sneakily from behind their books now; most of the class were staring transfixed at Professor Trelawney as she drew herself up to her full height, her beads, and bangles clinking.

"The Inner Eye does not See upon command!" she said in scandalized tones.

"I see," said Professor Umbridge softly, making yet another note on her clipboard.

"I – but – but….wait!" said Professor Trelawney suddenly, an attempt at her usual ethereal voice, though the mystical effect was ruined somewhat by the way it was shaking with anger.

"I…..I think I do see something…..something that concerns you…Why, I sense something…..something dark….some grave peril….."

Professor Trelawney pointed a shaking finger at Professor Umbridge who continued to smile blandly at her, eyebrows raised. "I'm afraid…..I am afraid that you are in grave danger!" Professor
Trelawney finished dramatically.

There was a pause, Professor Umbridge's eyebrows were still raised. "Right," she said softly, scribbling on her clipboard once more. "Well, if that's the best you can do…."

She turned away, leaving Professor Trelawney standing rooted to the spot, her chest heaving. Lizzie caught Harry and Ron's eyes and knew they were thing the exact same thing as her. They all knew that Professor Trelawney was an old fraud, but on the other hand, they loathed Umbridge so much that they felt very much on Trelawney's side. That is, until she swooped down on the three of them a few seconds later.

"Well," she said, snapping her fingers under Lizzie's nose and making her jump, her voice uncharacteristically brisk. "Let me see the start you've made to your dream diary, please."

And by the time she had interpreted Lizzie's dreams at the top of her voice (all of which involved Raven's death) foretold extreme guilt and shame that had yet to come to terms with, she was feeling much les sympathetic towards her. All the while Professor Umbridge stood a few feet away, making notes on her clipboard, and when the bell rang, she descended the silver ladder first so that she was waiting for them all when they reached their Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson ten minutes later.

She was humming and smiling to herself when they entered the room, Harry, Ron, and Lizzie told Hermione, who had been in Arithmancy, exactly what had happened in Divination while they all took out their copies of Defensive Magical Theory but before Hermione could ask any questions, Professor Umbridge had called them all to order as silence fell.

"Wands away," she instructed them all smilingly, and those people who had been hopeful enough to take them out – Lizzie included – sadly returned them to their bags. "As we finished chapter one last lesson, I would like you all to turn to page nineteen today and commence chapter two 'Common Defensive Theories and Their Derivation.' There will be no need to talk."

Still smiling her wide self-satisfied smile, she sat down at her desk.

The class gave an audible sigh as it turned, as one, to page nineteen. Lizzie wondered dully whether there were enough chapters in the book to keep them reading through all this year's lessons, and was on the point of checking the table of contents, when she noticed Hermione had her hand in the air again.

Professor Umbridge had noticed too, and what was more, she seemed to have worked out a strategy for just such an eventuality. Instead of trying to pretend that she had not noticed Hermione, she got to her feet and walked around the front row of desks, past Lizzie until they were face-to-face, then she bent down and whispered so that the rest of the class could not hear her. "What is it this time, Miss Granger?"

"I've already read chapter two," said Hermione.

"Well, then proceed to chapter three."

"I've read that too. I've read the whole book."

Shocker, thought Lizzie as she watched with interest at what Umbridge might do next. Professor Umbridge blinked, but recovered her poise almost instantly.

"Well, then, you should be able to tell me what Slinkhard says about counterjinxes in chapter fifteen."

"He says that counterjinxes are improperly named," said Hermione promptly. "He says 'counterjinx' is just a name people give their jinxes when they want them to sound more acceptable."

And people think I'm a know-it-all when I infodump, Lizzie thought, though she couldn't help but be impressed.

Professor Umbridge's eyebrows rose a little higher and her gaze became distinctly colder.

"You disagree?" she asked.

"Yes, I do," said Hermione, who unlike Umbridge was not whispering but speaking in a clear, carrying voice that had by now, attracted the rest of the class's attention

"Mr. Slinkhard doesn't like jinxes, does he? But I think they can be very useful when they're used defensively.''

"Oh, you do, do you?" asked Professor Umbridge, forgetting to whisper, and straightening up. "Well, I'm afraid it is Mr. Slinkhard's opinion and not yours that matters within this classroom, Miss Granger."

"But….." Hermione began. "That is enough," said Professor Umbridge. She walked back to the front of the class and stood before them all, the jauntiness she had show at the beginning of the lesson gone. "Miss Granger, I am going to take five points from Gryffindor House."

There was an outbreak of muttering at this.

"What for?" said Harry angrily.

"Don't you get involved!" Hermione whispered urgently at him.

"For disrupting my class with pointless interruptions," said Professor Umbridge smoothly.

"Pointless?" Lizzie whispered appallingly. "I am here to teach you using a Ministry-approved method that does not include inviting students to give their opinions on matters about which they understand very little."

"Are you sure you're not talking about yourself?" asked Lizzie. Professor McGonagall's warning about her speaking her mind, completely driven from her subconscious. There was a gasp throughout the classroom. Professor Umbridge narrowed her eyes at Lizzie. "I do not tolerate cheek in my classroom, Miss Brooks," she said coolly. "No, of course not. You just get off on the power and making other people's lives miserable!" Lizzie snapped.

A horribly malicious smile curled on Umbridge's wide slack mouth. "I think another week's detention would benefit you greatly, Miss Brooks," she whispered. "As I was saying before Miss Brooks so very rudely interrupted, your previous teachers in this subject may have allowed you more license, but as none of them – with the possible exception of Professor Quirrell, who did at least appear to have restricted himself to age-appropriate subject – would have passed a Ministry inspection."

"Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher," said Harry loudly. "There was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out the back of his head."
This pronouncement was followed by one of the loudest silences that Harry and Lizzie had ever heard. Then –

"Another week's detention for you too, Mr. Potter," said Umbridge sleekly.

The cuts on the back of both Lizzie and Harry's hands had barely headed, and by the following morning, they were bleeding again. Lizzie seemed to get it worse than Harry, and within the next few days, began to experience weakness in her hand as well as numbness and even mild paralysis.

She did not complain or utter a sound and halfway through the second week's worth of detention, she was struggling to hold the quill in her hand.

The worst part was the reaction she got, not just from Hayden, who did not react in anger, as Lizzie had expected him to, but with a mixture of pity and extreme concern. "You can't keep doing this, Lizzie' said Hayden as he sat with her in the Gryffindor common room during break on Wednesday, examining her hand.

"It looks like the nerves might be damaged," he said as he bent, flexed, and massaged her hand.

"Is that terminal?" asked Lizzie. "No," said Hayden, "but you'll probably need to do some physical therapy to regain feeling and get your fine motor skills back."

"You're kidding me, more?" Lizzie groaned. She already hated physical therapy enough as it was.

Hayden nodded. "I don't want to beg you, Lizzie," he said. "Then don't," said Lizzie. "But you really need to watch yourself! I know Harry's your friend, but sticking up for him is only going to get you in trouble! Don't forget, Umbridge is High Inquisitor now. She has the power to make life really, really hard for you if you're not careful!"

Lizzie smiled. "Don't worry, Hayden," she said. "I'll be careful." "I mean it," said Hayden. "You're already going through enough."

Professor McGonagall's reaction was an altogether different matter as she cornered her after Transfiguration.

"Are you telling me," she said, lowering her voice so that the remainder of the students that were exiting the classroom couldn't eavesdrop. "That after the warning I gave you last week, you ran your mouth in Professor Umbridge's class again?"

"Yes, Professor," said Lizzie, staring at her shoes.

"Miss, Brooks, you must get a grip on yourself!" said Professor McGonagall. "You are heading for serious trouble! Five points from Gryffindor!"

"But – what? Professor, no!" Lizzie cried, furious at this injustice.

"I'm already being punished by her, why do you have to take points too?"

"Because detentions do not appear to have any effect on you whatsoever!" said Professor McGonagall tartly. "I understand that Potter is your friend, but you cannot continue with this behavior!"

This was almost a word-for-word template of what Hayden had told her earlier that day. "You sound like Hayden," said Lizzie. "Well, he's right!" asked Professor McGonagall. "Miss Brooks, have you considered resuming your riding lessons? You were doing so incredibly well!"

"I still want to," sighed Lizzie. "But?" asked Professor McGonagall. "I can't…..not yet," said Lizzie. "I'm just…..not ready yet."

Professor McGonagall nodded as she watched Lizzie exit the classroom.

"She's taking points from Gryffindor because I'm having my hand sliced open every night! How is that fair? How? And don't say I deserved it!" she snarled at Hermione. She by now knew the details of Lizzie's detentions with Harry, as did Ron.

"I wasn't going to," said Hermione. "Look Lizzie, I wish she hadn't taken points from you, but I think she was right to tell you not to lose your temper with Umbridge – even in Harry's defense."

Lizzie scanned the corridor looking for Hayden, but couldn't find him. "Where's Hayden?" She wondered aloud. "He usually meets me after class…."

She gazed along the corridor and stopped one of the Canadian students near the courtyard. "Hi," said Lizzie. "C-can you tell me where I might find Hayden Chamberlain?" "Oh, he's in the stables – said that Jedi needed a workout," said the girl. She had curly brown hair, a freckled complexion, and emerald green eyes.

"Thank you," said Lizzie as she immediately tore down the corridor as fast as her legs would allow her go to. She barely made it a hundred feet before turning back. "Sorry, I don't think I caught your name," she said. "I don't believe I dropped it," said the girl as they both laughed. "It's Molly, Molly Cobb," she said. "You're Lizzie, right?" "Yeah," said Lizzie. Molly's smile widened. "Hayden talks about you," she said. "Good things, I hope," said Lizzie. Molly nodded. "Exceptional," she said. "Well, thank you," said Lizzie as she turned and began running down the corridor, down the marble staircase, and out the front doors.

Jedi wasn't in his stall when Lizzie got there, so she assumed that Hayden was already in the arena.

She would be right, as she walked into the arena and sat down at the bleachers and saw Hayden on Jedi as they cantered around the arena.

He cantered along the right long side, leaning up and forward in a half-seat. He looked perfect. Everything from his form, to the way he kept his heels down and his hands low, his fingers curled around the reins, holding them between his first three fingers and his little finger, and how he kept his eyes up and forward as he continued to canter across the sanded arena.

Hermione, Harry, and Ron joined Lizzie as they watched Hayden guide Jedi over the jumps. Lizzie noticed that Hayden had set them all to about four foot six.

Jedi had a big scoping canter that to Lizzie, looked difficult to sit to, and yet, Hayden never seemed unbalanced as he rose up and out of the saddle as he came upon an oxer and flew over it.

"I didn't know Hayden could ride like that," said Lizzie, staring completely mesmerized as she watched him. "He's wonderful…."

Harry, Ron, and Hermione exchanged amused glances. There was something else that Lizzie noticed about Hayden: whenever he was in deep concentration; wither it be keeping his form, or looking where he was going, or trying to keep his heels down, he would stick his tongue out. Lizzie giggled. She thought this was extremely cute. After all, equestrians weren't exactly known for making the most flattering faces when riding.

Jedi was tacked up in a navy blue saddle pad with red piping, grey Ogilvy pad, and a brown all-purpose saddle. Because Hayden was so tall – about six foot, one – the stirrups were set long.

The pair of them did good over most of the jumps, although when Jedi went over the first jump, he suddenly bolted, running off with Hayden, and he had to stop him and back him up four or five paces before asking him to canter again

They came upon the final jump – a triple bar, and just as Jedi was right up on it, he suddenly skidded to a halt and ducked out of the jump.

Amazingly, Hayden appeared unfazed, rather, he seemed to recognize his mistake of not setting Jedi up properly for the jump, and turned him to the outside of the arena towards the rail so they pair of them were tracking left, along the wall, as Hayden cantered Jedi in a twenty meter circle before steering him back toward the triple bar jump again, and this time, they made it over the jump, though Jedi's back hooves clipped the top rail, nearly knocking it down.

He patted Jedi's neck in approval as they came to a stop in front of where Lizzie, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sitting. "Hey," he said. "You guys look great! Well done!" said Lizzie. "Ah, Jedi needed a workout, I had a break, so I figured why not?" said Hayden. Jedi nickered and walked up to Lizzie, snuffling her arm, rubbing snot on the sleeve of her robes. "Jedi!" said Hayden, laughing. "It's okay, I'm used to it," said Lizzie, who was laughing too. "You can ride him if you want," Hayden offered. Lizzie's smile faded. Part of her wanted to take him up on that offer. But on the other hand…

"Er – no, I-I can't….." said Lizzie as she got up from her seat. "I'm sorry, Hayden, I just can't," she said as she turned and walked out of the arena. Hayden gazing after her. He had promised Lizzie that he wouldn't tell anyone about her self-harm, and he intended to keep that promise, and not tell Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

"She helped me lunge Jedi the other day," said Hayden. Harry, Ron, and Hermione looked surprised, if not a little bit shocked. "Really?" asked Harry. "Yeah," said Hayden. "Wow, that's big!" said Hermione. "She swore she was done with riding after Raven died. She hasn't really bonded with a horse since."

"Yeah, Eventing was so much of who she was. Now she won't even try," said Harry sadly. "You didn't see her when I was working Jedi the other day, she was watching my every move and the look on her face, was just…It was like she would have given anything to ride again. She misses it, I can tell, but at the same time, she's not ready to get back into it."

Harry, Ron, and Hermione nodded as they got up and left the stables.

After cooling Jedi out, untacking him, and putting him back in his stall, Hayden found Lizzie a few stalls away, gazing at Flicka who was inside her stall.

"Hey," said Hayden walking up to Flicka's stall and resting his arms on the stall door. "Hi," said Lizzie, as she continued to stare at Flicka.

"You okay?" asked Hayden. "Yeah," said Lizzie. Hayden raised his eyebrows at her. "No," said Lizzie. "But I'll be okay." Hayden nodded as he observed Flicka. "What kind of horse is she?" he asked. "Flicka?" asked Lizzie. "She's a mustang." "You're kidding! Like a wild mustang?" asked Hayden, looking fascinated. "She was. I helped Hagrid train her," said Lizzie.

"Have you ever ridden her?" asked Hayden. "No," said Lizzie "I just helped with the in-hand work and getting her used to a saddle and bridle, and you know, things like that. There were more experienced riders than me, so one or the other of them would ride her."

"Would you like to?" asked Hayden curiously. Lizzie sighed heavily. "I don't want to give it up," she said. "I do want to ride again. I just – can't." "Are you afraid of the 'what if's'?" asked Hayden. "That's part of it," Lizzie admitted. "And the rest?" asked Hayden. Lizzie was silent for a moment. Then –

"There's this….part of me that doesn't want to ride another horse because I'm afraid that if I did, I'd be…."

"Replacing Raven?" asked Hayden. Lizzie nodded, gazing up at Flicka with the same look of longing she gave Jedi the other day.

It was clear to Hayden that not riding was slowly killing Lizzie inside, and taking a severe toll on her mental health. It was almost as if the more she stayed away from the horses, and the less time she spent riding, the more miserable and depressed she became.

"Lizzie," said Hayden, inching closer to her. "We've all done things we regret. Okay? We've all screwed up in some way and had to pay for it later."

"Yeah, except you," said Lizzie. "Are you kidding?" asked Hayden. "I wish I had a loonie for every mistake I ever made on a horse!" Lizzie frowned in confusion. "A dollar," said Hayden. "Oh," said Lizzie, and she was smiling again.

"Have you ever fallen off? I mean, had a really bad fall?" asked Lizzie. "Way too many times," said Hayden. "One time Jedi sneezed and I fell off – and that was during a show!" 'Oh, no!" said Lizzie as she started laughing,

"Raven sounds like he was really special," said Hayden. "He was," said Lizzie, smiling fondly. "During my first-ever lesson on him, I had tacked him up and just before I got on his back, I remember saying to him, 'Ready to be my legs, Raven'? – that was before I learned to walk by myself and was totally dependent on my walker for support."

"Yeah, I've been meaning to ask you, how's that going?" asked Hayden. "Slowly," said Lizzie. "If Raven could talk to you, what do you think he would say?" asked Hayden. "Stop moping around?" asked Lizzie as she laughed. So did Hayden. "He would also tell me to stop feeling so guilty about what I did. I don't think he would blame me for it. He wanted to win too, just….not like that."

Hayden nodded. "I need a little more time," said Lizzie. "When you are ready, let me know," said Hayden.

Lizzie nodded as the final bell rang and the pair of them made their way out of the stables and back up to the castle.

The rest of the week passed in slow succession, and Lizzie was relieved when she arrived back in the common room on Friday, thankful her detention with Umbridge was over. Hayden had attempted to heal the cut on the back of Lizzie's hand with Essence of Dittany, but the cut simply refused to heal.

Now as she and Harry climbed through the portrait hole, they were greeted by Hayden, Ron, and Hermione who were sitting in front of the fire, apparently waiting for them.

"You were gone for hours," said Hayden as Lizzie slumped into the sofa in front of the fire next to him. "She kept us for hours," said Lizzie. Hayden thought of all the times previous when Lizzie would disappear for ten, fifteen minutes at a time, sometimes hours to go cut herself. Despite that she had given him her word that she had stopped, there was a part of him that couldn't help but wonder if something made her slip back into old habits. But on the other hand, as he thought about it further, Harry had been with her the entire time so that made it a little less likely.

"How are your arms?" asked Hayden. "Fine," said Lizzie. "That Dittany you put on them helped loads." "Can I see?" asked Hayden. Lizzie nodded as she rolled up her sleeves so Hayden could inspect the cuts he had healed last week. They appeared to be almost fully healed now, and there were no signs of new ones, putting Hayden's mind at ease.

"Oh, my God!" said a voice as they turned and saw Lavender and Parvati staring at the scars on Lizzie's arms, looking repulsed and staring at Lizzie like she had lost her marbles.

"Lavender, I can explain!" said Lizzie desperately. "You cut yourself, Lizzie?" asked Lavender, loud enough for everyone in the common room to hear – even Harry, Ron, and Hermione. "It's not what you think!" said Lizzie, her eyes brimming with tears. "So this is what you do, huh?" asked Lavender, still smirking. "You kill your horse, everyone turns on you, then you beg for attention by cutting yourself? For God's sake, would it kill you not to act like a freak for once?"

"Lavender!" gasped Hayden standing up. "And you!" said Lavender. "I cannot believe you would want to be friends with someone like her!" "And I can't believe you would say such hurtful things! I thought she used to be your friend!" "She's no friend of mine," said Lavender coolly. "Maybe she should stop giving people reasons to hate her so much!"

Lizzie felt like she was being stabbed repeatedly in the heart, the proverbial knife digging deeper and deeper with each stinging jab. Hayden looked over at Lizzie and saw the tears spilling from her eyes, then he saw her hand shake as it reached for the inside of her robes. He could see the wheels turning in her head, and he knew immediately what she was thinking.
"Lizzie," said Hayden putting a hand on her shoulder. "I know, what you're thinking – don't do it."

Lizzie stared at him, then sighed as she got up from the sofa and ran back towards the girls dormitory, slamming the door behind her.

. "No one likes her anyway." sneered Lavender. Hayden glared daggers at her.

Lizzie stood behind the door to the girls dormitory, breathing deeply. She could hear Hayden and Lavender shouting at each other from behind the door, but she couldn't figure out what they were saying. She slid down the door as she sat down and pulled her knees up to her chest. She couldn't understand it. How Lavender used to be such a good friend, then Raven dies, and she sank as low as the Slytherins had with the bullying and name-calling.

She reached into the pocket of her robes, and pulled out her tampon case, opened it, and fished out the tiny razor blade.

She stared at it for several minutes but didn't immediately cut herself. Her mind went back to the day that Hayden found out that she was cutting herself, how he believed her when she told him the truth about what happened to Raven, and how she promised not to cut herself anymore.

Now as she looked at the razor blade in her hand she felt she owed it to him after everything he had done for her and how kind he had been. Hayden had been there for her when no one else was. She didn't just owe it to him, but to herself too.

When she really got to thinking about it. cutting herself didn't help her as much as she had thought. Sure, it dulled the pain for a little while, but it would always come back making her want to cut again.

Lizzie got up and walked over to her four-poster and dropped the tiny blade into a wastepaper bin.

She sat on her bed and reached under her pillow and pulled out the photo album that was full of pictures of her and Raven as she opened it, gazing at the photos inside.

She had been so happy when she had been riding him, and now that he was gone, it was only now that she was beginning to realize that her happiness died with him.

Only now did she realize the extend of her unhappiness now that Raven was gone, and she wasn't riding anymore.

When she was riding, she sometimes would forget that she had Cerebral Palsy, because, when she sat on the horse, she looked just like everyone else. Her disability vanished. And no one knew otherwise that she had any sort of limitations until she got off the horse.

Before Raven died, it would never have occurred to Lizzie to harm herself in any way, for any reason – even on the days when she was really struggling with her mental health.

Apart from her friends, riding had been the one thing in her life that made her truly happy, and made life worth living in her mind, when she would be plagued with thoughts on why and how to end it. Malfoy encouraging her to take her own life because according to him, no one liked her, didn't help.

Lizzie knew now that this wasn't true, because she had been told by Professor McGonagall. She gazed down at a photo of her and Raven. Raven's ears were moving side to side as Lizzie laughed and pointed, encouraging him to keep his ears forward. She couldn't go back to the day she lost him and make it so it didn't happen, she knew that. She also knew that no magic could reawaken the dead, so bringing him back wasn't an option either.

She missed Raven, but on the other hand, she knew that being away from the horses was slowly eating at her like flesh-eating fungi. She knew that if she didn't get back on a horse soon, at best, she would never ride again, and never achieve her dream of making it to the Grand Prix, at worst, her mental health would continue to decline, she would continue harming herself, until quite possibly, it killed her.

Lizzie wasn't sure if anyone at Hogwarts had ever died by suicide. But one thing was for sure: She didn't want to be the first.

As long as she continued to put off getting on a horse, she would never be happy again. Ever.

She eventually made the decision to get back on a horse as soon as she could. She decided she would try over the weekend as she got up and walked out of the girls' dormitory.

Hayden and Lavender were still shouting at each other, and Lizzie was slightly alarmed as she came down the stairs slowly. Everyone in the common room appeared to be trying to make themselves as obscure as possible, backing against the wallpaper as though hopeful they may blend in with it.

Lizzie had never heard Hayden raise his voice before and it was quite scary. His handsome face was contorted into a grimace and his icy blue eyes flickered.

"For the thousandth, time! She's not doing it for attention!" Hayden yelled. "She's doing it to punish herself!" "Good! Maybe she should be punished! Dumbledore certainly didn't!" Lavender shrieked. "She hates herself for what she did!" said Hayden. "Well she's in good company because so does everyone else in this school! I'm surprised you don't!" said Lavender.

"She feels guilty!" said Hayden. "And she should!" said Lavender, her face getting as red as the furniture. "We all saw what happened Hayden!" "No, you just think you know what you saw!" said Hayden.
"All of us saw Lizzie force Raven to take the last jump in the course and he broke his leg! She forced him!"

"Malfoy was horrible to her before she went in to do her round," said Hayden. "You weren't there! How could you know that?" asked Lavender. "Lizzie told me," said Hayden. "And you're taking her word for it?" asked Lavender. "She killed Raven!" "No, she didn't," said Hayden. "Yes, she did!" shouted Lavender. "She was trying to prove a point! She was tired of Malfoy bullying her!" growled Hayden. "Of course, that's so her! Blame Malfoy to avoid taking responsibility! When is she going to start acting like a decent human being?"

"She's always been a decent human being!" said Harry, standing up, his temper flaring. "There you go again, defending her! She doesn't deserve it!"

Hayden glared at her. "What is wrong with you?" he snapped. "Lizzie told me that you used to be her friend, now she makes one big mistake, and all of a sudden, she's a horrible person, and all of you just….turn on her?"

He now was addressing the room at large.

"Lizzie is far from being a perfect human being! None of us are! She never had any friends up until she came here. Never felt like she belonged anywhere! Then she makes one mistake, and all of you turn your backs on her and make her feel more alone than she's ever been! Made her feel like she doesn't belong here!"

The room had gone deadly silent. You could have heard a pin drop. "What about all the times Malfoy beat her up in the corridors? Huh? Did any of you try to help her then? What about the time he knocked her teeth out and she had to have them regrown? Or the time when he was punching her and she tried to get up, and he stepped on her face and broke her jaw, then he spat on her, and left her alone?

He turned his hard gaze back to Lavender. "And what about the broken ribs? Hmm? The black eyes? The bruises? Did you egg him on, Lavender? Did you encourage him to hit her?"

"Of course I didn't!" said Lavender appallingly. "You didn't try to stick up for her either," said Hayden. He wasn't shouting anymore. His tone had become suddenly calm. "You didn't try to stop it. You didn't call for help!"

Lavender was silent. It was as if she didn't know what to say. "Lizzie is devastated over what happened to Raven and what she did to cause it. She's owned up to it, and admitted to me that the point she initially wanted to prove wasn't worth proving at all. She won't talk to anyone because she doesn't think anyone will believe her."

"Do you?" asked Lavender. "Do you believe her?" "Yeah, I do," said Hayden. "We're only into the second week of term – you hardly know her!" said Lavender with a sort of 'you-deserve-better-than-her' hint to her voice.

Hayden's expression hardened a bit.

"She's still a human being like the rest of us," said Hayden. "Have any of you, screwed up and had to pay the price later? Who among us, can say they've made mistakes?"

One by one, hands around the room began to raise, including Hayden, and even Lavender. "And I'm willing to bet, people didn't crucify you for it," said Hayden. "How is Lizzie any different? Her disabilities aren't a valid reason, so don't any of you dare think about bringing that up!" he snapped, gazing around at the room.

"Lizzie's not so different from the rest of us. And to mistreat her, to judge and ridicule her to the point where she would harm herself just to make the pain go away, is not right! It's downright cruel! She made a mistake, she screwed up, but she doesn't deserve this – from any of you," he said glancing around the room.

He sat back down on the sofa as people began whispering.

Lizzie ignored the whispering and stares as she approached Hayden on the sofa. She reached out and tapped him on the shoulder as he turned. "Lizzie," he said, smiling. "That was – er – quite impressive," said Lizzie smiling. "You heard that, huh?" asked Hayden, who had gone slightly pink. "Have you ever thought about trying motivational speaking?" asked Lizzie. "You should look into it."

Hayden laughed. "Are you okay?" he asked. "Did you….?" "No," said Lizzie. "Not this time," "Really?" asked Hayden. Lizzie shook her head. "Rational thinking won this round," she said, smiling.

Hayden smiled back, and he noticed for the first time, a bright, happy sparkle in her eyes that hadn't been there before. "I didn't mean to speak for you," said Hayden. "It's okay," said Lizzie. "I doubt people would have taken me seriously if I had done it myself." Hayden nodded. She was probably right on that.

"Listen, I need to talk to you about something. It's important," said Lizzie. "Okay, what is it?" asked Hayden. Lizzie glanced nervously around the semi-crowded common room. "Not here," she said, pulling Hayden to an isolated corner, where they wouldn't be overheard as they sat down at a table. "What's up?" asked Hayden as he sat.

Lizzie bit her lip, dancing around how she wanted to phrase what she was about to tell him.

"I've thought a lot about it," she began slowly. "And…I'm not happy, Hayden." Hayden didn't say anything but still gazed intently at her, listening to her every word. "When Raven died, it….it felt as if my happiness died right along with him. The only time I feel just a glimmer of that happiness again is when I'm around Flicka or Jedi. But just being around them isn't enough anymore…"

"You miss riding?" asked Hayden. "Very much," said Lizzie. "I'm getting more and more depressed the longer I don't ride, and I'm going to be honest and say that I'm afraid of what might happen if I continue to put it off."

"So, what are you saying?" asked Hayden. Lizzie sighed heavily. "I want to ride again," said Lizzie. Hayden looked slightly surprised. Just two days ago she had told him that she wasn't ready. "I can't live like this anymore, Hayden," said Lizzie. "It's miserable! I hate it! You know the expression: 'Horses aren't my whole life, but they make my life whole'?"

Hayden nodded. "I want my life to be whole again," said Lizzie. Hayden stared at her. He seemed to understand how important this was to her. These first two weeks had been horrible for her, and riding would give her a distraction, get away from it all for a while, and give her something positive to look forward to each week.

When Lizzie was riding, she felt alive, like she could conquer the world. Nothing and no one could stop her. She wanted to feel that again.

"I don't think Raven would want me to quit either," said Lizzie.

Hayden knew he couldn't talk Lizzie out of this. She had made her decision, and she wasn't going back. He already knew by now that Lizzie was incredibly stubborn. Once she made up her mind to do something, there was little anyone could do to talk her out of it.

He smiled, stood up, and pulled Lizzie close into a bone-crushing hug. "Okay," he whispered, and after a moment, he released his grip as he stared at her, grinning. "Let's do it."

"Now?" asked Lizzie eagerly, all of a sudden, not feeling tired and momentarily forgetting the lateness of the hour; it was almost two in the morning.

"No, not tonight," said Hayden. "We'll do it first thing in the morning." "What time?" asked Lizzie. "How does right after breakfast sound to you?" asked Hayden. "Perfect!" said Lizzie happily. Hayden smiled. For the first time since he had met her, Lizzie looked genuinely happy. Maybe she was onto something she said getting back in the saddle was the answer to finding happiness again…