Chapter Twenty
"In Memoriam"
Raven's memorial service was scheduled for the following evening on the grounds near his headstone. Lizzie was surprised at how many people seemed interested in going. She spent the better part of Saturday evening, drawing up a sort of speech, and struggling to figure out how to tell people how Raven's death really happened. Several of the drafts had too much emotion and were even aggressive, with the occasional swear word or two.
"You're allowing yourself to get too emotional," said Hayden, sitting down with her as she crumpled up yet another bit of parchment and threw it into the fire.
"I thought it was okay to be emotional at funerals?" asked Lizzie. "Yes, it is," said Hayden. "But you're allowing yourself to become angry. That's not good. You're focusing too much on what others think of you, what they think happened, and how it makes you feel. Just – forget that stuff for a minute. Look at me if you can," said Hayden. Lizzie looked at him. Making eye contact with him had become so much easier now. "You know what happened to him," said Hayden. "You know the truth. Write that down, don't put any emotion into it yet, just write down everything that happened, word-for-word. Tell them what you told me."
Lizzie dipped her quill into her ink bottle and began to write. For nearly an hour, the room was filled with nothing but the sound of Lizzie's scratching quill on the parchment. When she was done, she had taken up the full roll of parchment, recounting in amazing detail how Raven had died. "D-Do I put in the bit where I mention why he tried to refuse the jump?" asked Lizzie. "You can," said Hayden. "But people might question how you know that." "And I have an answer ready," said Lizzie. "A rider knows their horse."
Hayden smiled, looking impressed. "I can't see anyone arguing with that," he said.
Lizzie smiled as she continued to write.
When she was done, she had recounted Raven's death and expressed her guilt and remorse over her actions. She also asked several pertinent questions regarding whether Raven's death was murder, as many people claimed or an accident, solely based on her emotional reactions when Raven died and after.
"All right, I think I've got it," said Lizzie, rolling up the parchment. "You need to get the song list ready too," said Hayden. "On it," said Lizzie, taking up another roll of parchment and began writing down songs to sing and play at the service.
Lizzie wondered if people were going to actually listen to what she had to say. She hadn't just lost Raven because of a bad choice that day, she lost nearly all of her friends as well – people that meant the world to her, and she still loved all the friends that had abandoned her, and said nasty things to her. Now was her opportunity to prove their assumptions wrong. Even though Raven had told her that she didn't need to prove anything to anybody.
She also wanted to tell her side of the story as a means of letting go of the guilt, because part of the reason she felt so guilty over it was that no one wanted to hear her side, up until this point. Now she would finally have a voice.
Sunday dawned warm and breezy. Most people going about their normal routines, Lizzie making sure she had all her notes and the song list together for the memorial service that evening. The rest of the teachers were preparing the grounds. A marquee was magically conjured in the big pasture where Raven's gravestone stood, and chairs were lined up left and right underneath the marquee.
"Miss Brooks?" asked McGonagall as Lizzie and Hayden were making their way up to the Room of Requirement to put in some skating time. "Do you happen to have any photographs of Raven? For the memorial?"
"Yes, I have loads!" said Lizzie as she, Hayden and McGonagall walked up the marble staircase. Instead of going to the Room of Requirement, they made their way up to Gryffindor Tower where Lizzie retrieved her photo album from her bedside cabinet and handed it to Professor McGonagall. "I need these back," she said. "It's all I have of him."
Professor McGonagall nodded as she took the photo album in her hands. "I'll see that these pictures are well looked after," she assured her. Lizzie nodded as she watched Professor McGonagall walk away.
After retrieving her skates Lizzie and Hayden went up to the seventh floor to the Room of Requirement which had turned into a skating rink upon their entrance into the room.
But even after lacing up her skates she found it hard to concentrate on any of the movements, and as she leapt from the ice in a triple Axel, her toe pick snagged on her leg, tearing her pant leg and creating a deep gash in her calf as she stumbled and fell.
"Lizzie!" said Hayden gliding over to Lizzie and kneeling down to examine the hole in her pants leg and the gash in her calf. "What happened? Are you – oh, my God!" he gasped, seeing how badly she was bleeding.
"It's nothing, I don't even feel it," said Lizzie. Damn, she's tough! thought Hayden. "Stay here," said Hayden as he skated off the ice, and reappeared a few moments later with a bottle of Dittany and some bandages.
"Here, this is gonna sting a little…" said Hayden, removing the stopper from the bottle and dripping a generous amount onto Lizzie's cut leg. Just like when he had healed the cuts on her arms at the beginning of last term, within seconds, the cut on her leg looked several days old, new skin had stretched itself across her leg as Hayden put a large bandage over it.
"Thanks," said Lizzie as Hayden took out his wand and after waving it for a moment, repaired the hole in Lizzie's pants leg. "You saved me a lot of trouble with that. I don't even know how to sew," said Lizzie as Hayden helped her to her feet.
She would have skated longer if Hayden hadn't pointed out that she was limping on the leg that she had cut, and insisted on waiting until it fully healed to skate again.
That would have to wait until next school year though. And Lizzie was sadly reminded that Hayden would not be returning with her.
The rest of the day passed quickly. Lizzie spent it rehearsing what she was going to say, and making sure the song list was in order, and Professor Flitwick rehearsed both her and Hayden in singing some of the songs on the list. Some Lizzie would be singing alone, others were duets with Hayden.
Before going down to dinner, Lizzie asked Hermione if she had anything black she could borrow. She ended up in a nice little black cocktail dress with spaghetti straps and a shawl. She was also given a little beaded clutch, and shiny, open-toed flats.
After sorting out her dress, Hermione helped Lizzie with her hair and makeup, curling it slightly and pulling it halfway up. Her makeup was subtle with a pink color on her lips. She fastened the charm bracelet that Cedric had given her around her wrist, and her figure skate necklace around her neck. Hermione too was dressed in a black dress, and had pulled her hair up into a knot at the back of her head, much like she had done for the Yule Ball last year.
Lizzie didn't eat much at dinner, nor did she make much conversation. For her, this memorial meant that this was her final goodbye to Raven. She had to let him go, and she was finding that really hard to do.
She set down her fork, got up from the table and walked out into the entrance hall.
She felt like the remaining people in the hall were staring at her, but she tried not to notice. By this time, she had taken to leaving her walker in her dormitory and was beginning to walk longer and longer distances without it.
"Hey, Lizzie!" said a voice as Lizzie turned and saw Hayden running toward her. His hair had grown a significant amount during the school year, and dressed in his black dress robes, he looked every bit like Anakin Skywalker in Revenge of the Sith.
"Hey," said Lizzie as Hayden walked up to her. Lizzie laughed as she looked around. "Haven't we been here before?" she asked as Hayden laughed too. "Someday we'll look back on that day and laugh because of how stupid we were," he said.
"But mostly me," said Lizzie. "No, I was stupid too," said Hayden. Lizzie smiled. "You okay?" asked Hayden. "Are you sure you wanna do this?" "The arrangements have already been made, everything's set up – I have to see this through," said Lizzie. "You don't have to….." said Hayden. "But I want to," said Lizzie. "Raven would have wanted me to. And you know, I kept thinking about something that Remus told me at the horse show."
"Oh?" asked Hayden. "What's that?" "When I asked him if he was still angry at me for what I did…I'll never forget – he said 'I forgave you a long time ago. Now you need to forgive yourself'," said Lizzie. "So…you want to do this in order to forgive yourself?" asked Hayden. "That," said Lizzie, "And to let go of the guilt. I can't simply let things go but putting them in a neat little box, and putting it in the back of my brain and pretend the problem doesn't exist or didn't happen. My brain just doesn't function that way. Especially if I have really strong feelings like anger are associated with them."
Hayden nodded. Lizzie was truly one of the most fascinating, beautiful, amazing people he had ever met in his life.
He walked closer to her until their lips met. He hadn't kissed her since they had gone to the Ministry of Magic.
Lizzie wrapped her arms around his neck, running her fingers through his long curly hair. It was so hard to believe that the last time the two of them were standing here, Lizzie was manic, agitated, and paranoid and that culminated in them having a horrible fight that nearly ended their friendship for good.
They were only interrupted by Hermione clearing her throat as the two of them broke apart. "Um, Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore want everyone to make their way down to the grounds now," she said looking at Lizzie. "It's time.'
Lizzie smiled as she held Hayden's hand as the two of them slowly walked out of the oak front doors and down the stone steps
The marquee was illuminated by dozens upon dozens of floating candles surrounding it. The pictures that Lizzie had given to Professor McGonagall had been blown up to show Raven – she had asked Lizzie if she wanted pictures of them together, and Lizzie had debated this for most of the day before requesting that only pictures of Raven be used, and she had plenty of those.
Avalon's `Orphans of God was playing as everyone slowly and somberly made their way to their seats.
Hagrid was sitting in a bench-sized chair at the back of the crowd, dressed in his furry brown suit and orange necktie with yellow polka dots, mopping his tear-stained face with a handkerchief the size of a tablecloth and Fang howled.
Lizzie tried to make herself as obscure as possible as she took her seat next to Hayden. Molly was three seats down from her as she smiled and waved. Lizzie smiled, but didn't wave back. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Neville, Ginny, and Luna took the remaining seats on either side of Lizzie and Hayden, none of them saying anything to either of them.
All four Heads of House were assembled in chairs on either side of Raven's headstone, and behind it stood a sort of stage with a podium. Dumbledore with his white hair and beard, half-moon glasses, and elaborate robes got to his feet as what little talking surrounded the marquee ceased immediately.
"Good evening, everyone," he said. "I do appreciate you all coming out there this lovely evening. Tonight we shall acknowledge a tragic and terrible loss. Most of you know that Cedric Diggory was murder by Lord Voldemort last year…."
There was a murmur of acknowledgement at this throughout the crowd. "But I am sure now, that you are just as aware that we lost someone else. Not a human, no. I am talking of course of one of Hogwarts finest horses. His name was Raven. Many assumptions have been made and fabricated stories have been told about how he died…."
Lizzie glanced nervously over at Lavender and Parvati who were sitting in the row across from her. "There is, however, one person who does know exactly how Raven died, and I do believe she wishes to set the record straight. Lizzie?"
Dumbledore gestured with his index and forefinger for her to come up to the podium. "You don't have to put yourself through this again," said Hayden. "It's for Raven," said Lizzie, squeezing his hand. "I'll be okay." A moment later Hayden nodded as he kissed her. "I love you," he said. "I love you too," said Lizzie as she inched her way out of her row, holding onto the backs of chairs for support until she reached the aisle leading up to the podium and carefully walked up the steps and stood before the entire student body; Hogwarts and Canadian students alike.
Lizzie unclipped her clutch as she withdrew a scroll of parchment and tapped it with her wand as it enlarged itself. She unrolled the parchment and set it against the table of the podium, adjusted her glasses and began to read.
"On June fifteenth, 2005, I was taking part in a three day horse show in London with Raven. The first two days were uneventful, we performed our dressage test to the judges' satisfaction, and our cross country time was the fastest we had ever run it. Then on the third day, I took Raven out early to warm him up. As we waited with five to ten other riders outside of the gate to the arena. I saw someone come up behind me and settle next to me. It was Draco Malfoy. He and I have had a rather tumultuous history, so I figured he was just coming to gloat and try to shake my confidence a bit. I was not prepared for what he said to me. He looked at me, and without missing a beat, he said, 'Don't take it personally when you lose. People like you don't belong here'."
There was an audible gasp of shock and anger throughout the crowd. Many of the students at Hogwarts still liked Lizzie and she had become rather good friends with some of Hayden's friends as well.
Lizzie took this reaction as a good sign. It meant that they were listening to her, didn't it?
Lizzie briefly gazed up at the crowd at large before continuing: "The moment he said this, I saw Raven's body language change. He had been docile and calm until Malfoy showed up. I saw his ears go back, his nostrils were flared and he was snorting. I misinterpreted these cues as eagerness to get going as our names were called to do our round. I started Raven in a working trot, then transitioned into a canter. It was very hard for me to concentrate on the jumps. I kept thinking about Malfoy's words and how much they hurt. It wasn't the first time he had said this kind of thing to me, and I felt myself getting angry, and desperate to prove him wrong.
"I began to push Raven to go faster, and faster as we went over each jump. We managed to clear almost all of them, then as we were approaching the final jump, I suddenly felt him slow down. I would not figure out until later, that he was not trying to refuse, as I had thought. He knew how fast we were going, and he was trying to warn me how dangerous it was to take a jump at the speeds we were going…."
Tears began to fill Lizzie's eyes as she quickly wiped them away, sniffled, and continued. "I thought he was going to refuse, so I took my stick and hit him, and he sped up and went over the jump. I felt his front feet hit the ground, then as his back feet hit the ground, I felt him stumble, and fall. As he fell to the ground I slipped sideways off his back, and as I did, I saw his left leg was hanging at an odd angle. It wasn't until he stood up again, that I realized he wasn't putting weight on it…
Lizzie sighed heavily as tears poured down her face as she took a deep breath and continued.
"Professor Grubbly-Plank came and she looked at Raven's leg and determined that it was very badly broken. And even if they tried to mend it by magic, there was little chance of success and even if it did work, he would be in constant pain…..
Lizzie wiped more tears from beneath her glasses. "Eventually, it was decided that the best thing to do for Raven was to put him down…"
As Hayden and everyone else heard Lizzie recount this deeply traumatizing story, he noticed that people were not only listening, they were crying with her!
"It was only then that I realized that the point I had set out to make was never worth proving in the first place, but by then, it was too late. Raven was given a sedative, and lied down on his side, and that was when I….." She closed her eyes momentarily. "When I said….my final….g-goodbye to him. I told him how sorry I was, and that I loved him, and that I wish I hadn't have done it…."
Hayden had tears pouring silently down his face as he looked over at Lavender and Parvati, who too, were crying and had looks of realization on their faces, almost as if they realized that she had been trying to tell this story this whole time, and no one would listen to her.
"Professor Grubbly-Plank gave Raven an injection of Drought of Living Death, and less than ten seconds later, he was gone," said Lizzie. "I did not set out to deliberately hurt my horse that day. I made a series of careless mistakes, but I did not kill him, as many of you have accused me of. Raven didn't want to win to prove a point. His final act was trying to protect me."
Someone stood up from their seat and Lizzie recognized Zacharias Smith. "How do you know that?" he demanded. "How could you possibly know that?"
"I know my horse," said Lizzie calmly. "From the moment he was signed over to me, he was always so protective of me and so attentive to me – I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to tell me that going over that jump at the speeds we were going that day was dangerous and the only way he could communicate that to me was by refusing the jump. What's more, this was the first time, he had ever done something like this. He had never refused a jump – ever!"
Zacharias Smith opened his mouth stupidly, but didn't retort or respond back as he sat back down sulkily, looking extremely miffed that Lizzie stood up to him.
Lizzie adjusted her glasses once more as she continued to read. "This school year has not been an easy one for me," she read. "For many months after Raven's death people began making their own assumptions about how he died. I have had death threats mailed to me, I have been called a murderer, I have even had animal cruelty charges brought against me, then later dropped due to lack of evidence. I have now told you the real story about how he died. I hope all of you will see that while the choices that I made that day were reckless and careless, and I cannot take them back, nor can Raven be brought back to life, I did not set out to cause deliberate harm to the horse that I loved so much, but also that you can see and recognize the harm in spreading rumors and false information without knowing the full story – the Daily Prophet already does that, right?"
There was laughter throughout the grounds. Even Hayden laughed.
Lizzie cleared her throat. "Raven wouldn't want me – or any of us to grieve for him," she said. "His life, short as it was, was still a good one, and he would want us to remember him for that. And even though he's gone from out here, I know he's still here, and he always will be." She put a hand on her heart as she rolled up her scroll. "Thank you," she said as she walked down the podium and back to her seat. "That was brilliant, Lizzie," said Ron. "You were very brave," said Hayden. "They were listening to you."
"You reckon?" asked Lizzie. "See for yourself," said Hayden gesturing toward Parvati and Lavender who were staring at Lizzie with mixtures of heartbreak and guilt on their faces.
"Thank you, Lizzie," said Dumbledore. "Now I ask you to join me and Miss Brooks in singing one of her favorite songs You'll Be In My Heart."
Even though Lizzie had already sat down, she immediately stood up again and made her way back to the podium and was given a wireless microphone. She assumed it worked off the magic that Hogwarts generates as she raised it to her lips and began to sing:
Come, stop your cryin', you'll be all right,
Just take my hand, hold it tight
I will protect you from all around you,
I will be here, don't you cry.
For one so small, you seem so strong
My arms will hold you, keep you safe and warm
This bond between us can't be broken,
I will be here, don't you cry.
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on, now and forevermore
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart
Always
Why can't they understand the way we feel?
They just don't trust what they can't explain
I know we're different, but deep inside us,
We're not that different at all
And you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on, now and forevermore
Don't listen to them, 'cause what do they know
We need each other, to have to hold
They'll see in time, I know
When destiny calls you, you must be strong
I may not be with you, but you've got to hold on
They'll see in time, I know
We'll show them together
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Believe me, you'll be in my heart
I'll be there from this day on
Now and forevermore
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart
Always
Always, I'll be with you
I'll be there for you always,
Always and always
Just look over your shoulder
Just looked over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
I'll be there
Always.
The song ended as everyone who was sitting stood on their feet applauding vigorously. Some looked slightly surprised that Lizzie could sing that well.
She was asked to stay standing at the podium and share her favorite memories of Raven.
"Ohh, too many!" said Lizzie. "But if I had to pick one, I'd say it would have to be the day I met him. I was in my third year, and I had gone out one afternoon to take a walk by the lake – I was completely reliant on my walker at the time - and you guys know there are rocks on the edge of the lake, right?" Several people nodded. "My walker was never good on the rocks, so I have a hard time moving it. Then suddenly I hear this noise coming out of the trees, and I turn around, and I see this gigantic black horse – I mean he was like seventeen hands – come barreling out of the trees, and I'm just….shocked. I didn't know they even had horses at Hogwarts! And then I realize that he's heading straight for me at full gallop."
Everyone was on the edge of their seats now as Lizzie relayed this story. "My walker has a mechanism that won't let it go backwards, and because of the rocks, I was stuck, and this horse is coming close and closer to me, not bothering to slow down, until he is right up on me, and startles me so bad that I fall backward, and my walker falls with me, and as I land on it, Raven rears up on his hind legs like I had startled him! I dunno, maybe I did. Anyway, as he lands on his feet again, I slowly try to get to my feet, then Raven makes this nickering sound and before I can make a move to get up, he starts walking towards me, and get right up close to me, and drops his head to my level, and he lets me pet him! I would find out later, that he had never been that calm around anyone else other than Hagrid. As I was petting him, I saw he had a name plate on his halter. I asked him where he had come from, and who he belonged to…..Little did I know, Raven was Draco Malfoy's horse at the time.
"I managed to get my walker upright again, and started to make my way back to the castle. I wouldn't realize until I was halfway there, that Raven followed me," said Lizzie.
"He chose you!" said Lavender. "I guess," said Lizzie shrugging. "I was near Hagrid's hut, when he says to me, "Lizzie, yeh found him! Where was he?" At first I wasn't sure what he meant, and then Hagrid said he had escaped his paddock, and that was when I told him the story I just told you."
Everyone stared in fascination. "That doesn't sound like someone who would deliberately put her horse in harm's way," said Lavender to Parvati. "We owe her an apology," said Parvati. "A big apology," said Lavender.
Lizzie finished telling her story and went to sit back down. Hermione got up and walked up to the podium. "I didn't know Raven well, but I did have one rather memorable encounter with him. I was doing my homework outside near the paddock, it was a beautiful day, then all of a sudden, he decided he wanted to play games with me, and he snatches my notebook out of my hands, and runs halfway to the other end of the paddock with it. I jump up and just stare at him as he stops and looks at me like, 'Well, aren't you going to come and get it'?"
There was laughter throughout the grounds. "I forgot he used ter do tha'!" said Hagrid laughing. Hermione was smiling. "Thank God Hagrid come over with a couple bales of hay and sees what's going on, and he says, "Raven! Give Hermione her notebook back!" Raven trots over to me sulkily and spits the notebook out into my hands. Let's just say I could no longer use that notebook and had to recopy my Arithmancy notes."
There was more laughter as Hermione took a seat.
More and more people relayed their stories about Raven even if they were just short encounters.
Then Lizzie got up and sung Gone Too Soon by Simple Plan, You Raise Me Up, and I Will Always Love You.
The memorial service concluded with Lizzie and Hayden standing up and singing a duet of Time to Say Goodbye.
As they took their seats, Dumbledore rose again. "Thank you, Lizzie, Hayden, that was beautiful," he said.
"Thank you all again for coming to honor the memory of such a beloved, fine school horse. Hogwarts has many wonderful lesson horses in our equestrian program, but Raven…What is the phrase? Left hoofprints on the hearts of all who knew him. And I would like to thank Lizzie Brooks, who I am sure took Raven's passing harder than anyone, and I daresay, it must have taken tremendous courage to stand before you all and tell you the real story of how Raven died. Bravery is indeed one of the hallmark qualities of Gryffindor House. And I do believe Miss Brooks' actions tonight exemplify what being a Gryffindor means. We can all learn from the message she gave all of us tonight. In the future, I discourage all from jumping to their own conclusions regarding events when they do not know the full story. These action are harmful, and can ruin lives. We do not want any more casualties at this school….
"But for now, please join me in honoring Raven, a magnificent horse, dedicated and loyal to his owner to the end, a horse that was taken from this world too soon, and will be dearly, dearly missed."
Dumbledore took out his wand and raised it above his head as the tip glowed brightly against the inky black sky.
Hayden stood up, withdrew his wand from his robes and held it aloft, the tip glowing brightly. Lizzie followed suit, as did Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, Luna, Parvati, Lavender, all the Canadian students and everyone else.
After the tribute, everyone began to make their way slowly back to the castle, many stopping to hug Lizzie and offer condolences, including – Lizzie was slightly surprised by this – Lavender and Parvati.
"You don't have to talk to them," said Hayden. "It's okay," said Lizzie as she walked over to them. "Lizzie, we…..wanted to…..to apologize," said Parvati. "For everything," said Lavender. "Including the things you said about me and Hayden?" asked Lizzie. "We were just jealous," said Parvati. "You guys are really, really brilliant together!" said Lavender. "And to be honest, after hearing your version of how Raven died, we realized that a lot of what we thought happened didn't add up. I guess what we're trying to say is….We believe you."
Lizzie stared in disbelief at the pair of them. Then her eyes filled with tears. "That's all I ever wanted to hear," she whispered. Lavender nodded. "We're both really sorry, Lizzie," said Parvati. "Can you forgive us?" Truthfully, Lizzie was really torn. A lot of the things they had said were very hurtful, and she didn't forget things easily.
After a moment, Lizzie smiled. "Yeah," she said. "I forgive you," The three of them hugged and Lizzie was distracted when she saw a black shape near the forest. In the dappled moonlight, she realized it was Raven.
"C-could you guys excuse me?" asked Lizzie. Lavender and Parvati nodded as Lizzie walked over to where Raven stood. "I thought you would have been gone by now," she said. "I wanted to say goodbye first," said Raven. Lizzie laughed as she felt tears built in her eyes. "I was convinced it wasn't going to be this hard," she said, wiping her eyes. "It never is," said Raven. "Say hi to Dad for me," said Lizzie. "I will," saidRaven. He shifted his head so he was looking at Hayden. "Look after her, for me," he said.
Lizzie smiled and turned to Hayden. "He wants you to look after me," she said. "Tell him I will, I won't let anything happen to you!" "You can tell him yourself. He's standing right there," said Lizzie, pointing right in front of her.
Despite that Hayden couldn't see him, he sighed and looked right where Raven was. "I'll take good care of her, I promise," he said. "I trust you will since I won't be here," said Raven.
He looked up at the clear starlit sky. The moon shining bright upon them.
"It's time for me to go," said Raven. "You've freed yourself, and you've freed me. Thank you."
Lizzie had tears pouring down her face. "Would – would it be…..too much to ask if I could…..could hug you one more time?" asked Lizzie. Raven walked forward until he was mere inches from where Lizzie stood. Hesitantly, Lizzie reached out and felt the roughness of his forelock, and the soft fur of his face. She ran her hand along the front and down the sides of his face, holding his head in her hands as she leaned in and rested her forehead against his. "I'll miss you…..so much," she whispered. "I will miss you too," said Raven. "I don't want you to leave me again," said Lizzie. "I never left you…I never will," said Raven.
Lizzie felt him pull away from her as she looked up and saw Raven walk toward the open paddock and turned to face them. "Don't forget me," said Lizzie. "You are in my heart always," said Raven as he turned and broke into a gallop down the grassy paddock. As he ran, golden wings twenty feet wide sprouted from his withers, flapping in the wind as he continued to gallop, but it seemed like he wasn't going anywhere as he dissolved into a white light where he ran.
Then the light suddenly shot upward towards the sky like a rocket, on and on, never ending it seemed, until the light disappeared into the sky.
Almost immediately after the light had gone, a shooting star shot across the sky longer than either Lizzie or Hayden had ever seen one go. Into eternity, it seemed.
As Lizzie watched the shooting star, she became aware of an absence of a feeling she had come to know well whenever Raven was in her presence; a protective, loving feeling. Now as she watched the shooting star ascend across the sky and disappear, she realized that what she thought was a shooting star, was really Raven's soul crossing over. He was really gone.
Lizzie felt fresh tears brim her eyes as she turned to face Hayden. "He's gone," she said. Hayden ran forward and held Lizzie in his arms as she sobbed.
After a moment, Hayden released his grip on her and looked at her, holding her tear stained face in his hands. "I have never been more proud of anyone in my entire life," he said. "Then why does it hurt so bad?" Lizzie sobbed. "Because you love Raven," said Hayden. "And it's like you said during your speech: He's gone from out here, but he's still in in your heart, and you sang about it too."
"Yeah, I did, didn't I?" asked Lizzie smiling slightly. "That was a really good speech," said Hayden. "You had the ability to articulate what you wanted people to know and not get emotional, that must have been hard for you." "It sort of was," said Lizzie. "But I kept remembering what you said when I was writing it down; Eliminate the emotion and just focus on the facts." "And you did," said Hayden. "It was very empowering, and I really think people took what you had to say seriously." "Really?" asked Lizzie. "That's a first!"
It sounded snarky, but the truth was, that for a good majority of Lizzie's school career at Hogwarts, people rarely took her seriously in situations like this. It was the first time, people didn't just listen to her, they heard her, believed her, and they didn't laugh at her for once.
Hayden had taken notice of this as Lizzie was giving her speech. The expressions of the people that had given her grief over Raven's death and said all sorts of horrible things to her about it, had suddenly softened and it was like they started to realize that what they thought had been true, wasn't true at all.
Hayden smiled. "Yeah," he said softly. "I guess everyone learned something tonight then, eh?" he asked Lizzie smiled and nodded. "Yep," she said. "By the way, nice bit about the Daily Prophet though, that was funny!" Hayden laughed. "Yeah, I just threw that in there," said Lizzie. "How long did it take for you to come up with that?" asked Hayden. "About five seconds," said Lizzie, shrugging. Hayden laughed as Lizzie yawned, suddenly realizing how emotionally exhausting this entire evening was. "I'm-I'm….exhausted!" Lizzie yawned again. Hayden nodded. "You've been through a lot tonight," he said.
Lizzie nodded as she gazed up at the stars. "Beautiful night though," she said. "Not as beautiful as you," said Hayden fondly, brushing a bit of stray hair out of her eyes. "But, please, let me clean your glasses for you!" he said. Lizzie chuckled and took her glasses off so she could see the lenses. They were so coated in smudges and grime that it was a wonder how she could still see out of them. "Good, God! How do you see out of these!" asking Hayden, taking out his wand and tapping Lizzie's glasses as the lenses were instantly wiped clean. "Honestly my vision is so horrible, I don't notice half the time," said Lizzie as she took them and put them on. "Oh, yeah, that's better!" she said brightly. Hayden sniggered as they began to walk their way back up to the castle.
It seemed they were stopped every few feet by people offering condolences and apologies from people who, at the beginning of the year, thought that Lizzie had killed Raven. "You obviously knew him better than anyone," said a fifth year Ravenclaw boy with brown hair as they walked into the entrance hall. "Well, unless you count Hagrid – he trained him," said Lizzie modestly. "I tried many times to tell people what really happened, but they didn't want to listen to me. They just…."
"Wanted to believe what they thought they saw," said the Ravenclaw boy that Lizzie recognized after several minutes as Terry Boot. Lizzie nodded. "I had no idea Malfoy hated you that much!" said Terry. "His hatred for disabled people isn't as strong as Professor Umbridge's – she actually tried to kill me…"
"Yeah, I've been wondering about that!" said Terry. "There's been a rumor going around that when you were in the hospital wing, it was because Umbridge was trying to kill you because you're disabled!"
"This is true," said Lizzie. Terry gasped. "She made a full confession," said Lizzie. "And she wasn't the least bit remorseful either," said Hayden bitterly.
"I'll never forget this; after her confession, I wanted to know what Lizzie had done to deserve this, and I asked her 'What did Lizzie do to you?' She looks at me with this God awful smirk on her face and she says, 'It's not what she did, it's more the fact that people with her deficits are allowed to breathe the same air as the rest of us'." "In other words," said Lizzie. "She believed that people with disabilities are better off dead, and she would have succeeded if Hayden hadn't found me in the forest that day. I owe my life to him," said Lizzie, kissing Hayden on the cheek. Terry smiled. "Hogwarts isn't the same without you," he said. Lizzie blushed. That was the kindest thing anyone had ever said to her!
"Th-thank you," she stammered. Terry nodded. "Again, I'm…sorry about Raven," he said. "Thank you," said Lizzie again. Terry smiled as he walked away up the marble staircase.
Others that approached Lizzie were unmoved by her speech. Zacharias Smith, to neither Hayden nor Lizzie's surprise, was one of them. "I wasn't fooled by your little sob story!" he sneered at her as they stood near the marble staircase. "What I told you was the truth," said Lizzie. "Sounded like you were just making excuses to me," said Smith. Hayden's face grew red as he stepped forward. "All right, listen…" he said savagely as the smirk on Smith's face widened. "Ooh, look who it is! Anakin Skywalker coming to protect his Padme!" Smith sneered. "What are you gonna do? Use the Dark Side of the Force on me?"
"It worked last time, didn't it?" asked Hayden. The smirk on Zacharias Smith's face vanished and was replaced with a look of fear that Lizzie and Hayden had only seen once during Dumbledore's Army sessions, when Hayden had nonverbally, and without a wand, made Smith's tongue adhere to the roof of his mouth when he was badmouthing Lizzie.
"You mean…That time in Dumbledore's Army…Were you really…Did you…?"
Hayden was grinning. "Yep," he said, "And I can do it again, easy."
He raised his hand with his palm facing Smith, as though to grab him, and almost instantly, Smith bolted from their midst, running full pelt up the marble staircase, but tripped on the hem of his dress robes and fell backward down the stairs, landing flat on his face on the threadbare carpet.
"Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy," said Hayden. "Mmm," said Lizzie. "I don't hate him as much as Malfoy but he's a pretty close second," said Lizzie. "I never liked him much either. Not after he called you the 'r-word'," said Hayden. "Maybe when I become a disability advocate, I can work to do away with that word completely," said Lizzie. "That would be nice," said Hayden as he and Lizzie walked up the marble staircase
They made their way up to the seventh floor and after uttering the password to the Fat Lady, clambered through the portrait hole.
The room was crowded with Gryffindors and Canadian students. Molly immediately walked up to them and was able to hug Lizzie. "I'm sorry about Raven," she said. "I heard rumors when I first got here, but I didn't want to believe anything until….." Lizzie nodded. "No one was listening to me back then, and I wasn't in a fit emotional state to talk about it anyway," she said.
Molly nodded as she went to join her friends in a corner of the room.
Lizzie and Hayden found Harry, Ron, and Hermione sitting near the fire, looking somber. They all knew the story of how Raven died, but hearing it again seemed all the more heartbreaking.
She and Hayden sat down and they began talking about the service. "It was really nice," said Hermione. "You know it wasn't Flicka that tried to rescue Hagrid that night when we were doing our Astronomy O.W.L.," said Lizzie casually. "Then who?" asked Hermione. Lizzie smiled and raised her eyebrows at her. A moment later, Hermione seemed to understand, though she looked like she didn't want to believe it.
"Oh, no!" she gasped. Lizzie nodded. "No, that's impossible!" "Hermione, I know you're a logical person, but open your mind a bit!" said Lizzie. "Why would Raven stay here?" asked Hermione. "I was keeping him here and didn't realize it," said Lizzie. "You?" asked Hermione. "Yep," said Lizzie. "How does that work, Liz?" asked Harry, who by now had caught on to Lizzie's 'gift' of being able to see and communicate with the dead. "I felt tremendous guilt over what I did to cause his death, even though I didn't mean to, I could have easily avoided it. And it was this guilt that kept him trapped here, because I was still holding onto him."
"I see," said Hermione slowly. "So, as long as you continued to hold on to his memory and the guilt you felt over his death, he couldn't move on?" asked Hermione. "Yeah, that's pretty much it," said Lizzie. "The memorial was my way of letting him go. I felt him leave." Hermione stared at Lizzie like she wanted to believe her, but the logical part of her was forbidding it, because it didn't make sense. "Not everything in this world has to have proof or make sense, Hermione," said Lizzie.
She looked at Harry who had a funny look on his face. "What's up, Harry?" asked Lizzie. "Nothing," said Harry. Lizzie nodded, knowing better than to pry. "I was just wondering if Sirius is still…." He paused as Lizzie stared curiously at him. "Nothing," he said finally. "You're wondering if Sirius is still hanging around?" asked Lizzie. Harry nodded. "D'you think he's…..?" Lizzie shook her head sadly. "I don't think so, Harry," said Lizzie. "I never felt his energy or anything. I think he moved on…..crossed over, if you will…."
"'Crossed over'?" asked Harry. "To where?" "Well, no one really knows, do they?" said Ron. "No one has actually seen what happens after you die…."
"I did," said Lizzie. Harry, Ron, and Hermione froze and stared at her. So did Hayden. "You did?" asked Hermione in disbelief. "Yeah," said Lizzie. "That day, when Umbridge tried to kill me. I remember being in Hagrid's hut, I was going in and out of consciousness, then suddenly I see this really bright light, and I couldn't figure out where it was coming from, but just as I'm about to get close to it, I start freefalling into nothing, and I wake up again. Then I remember being put under for my surgery, and it felt like maybe two minutes goes by then I feel myself sort of…..floating upward, I could see Madame Pomfrey working on me, and – you know the expression 'seeing the life flash before your eyes'?" asked Lizzie. Harry, Ron, and Hermione nodded.
"Well, that's what I saw, I saw my first day at Hogwarts, meeting Raven, watching him be put down…." She glanced up at Hayden, and held his hand tightly in hers. "Meeting you," she said as she kissed him and Ron groaned. "I know, we're disgusting," said Hayden, as Lizzie giggled. "What else did you see, Lizzie?" asked Hermione, looking interested now.
"I saw flashbacks of me cutting myself, riding Flicka…" Lizzie trailed off and suddenly became quiet, and Harry, Ron, and Hermione took that as a sign that she didn't want to talk about this anymore.
The end of term was drawing to a close much faster than neither Lizzie nor Hayden would have liked. They tried spending as much time as they could with each other and with the end of exams and lessons, they had a lot of that to spare.
One bright and sunny day, with two days left until the end of term, Hayden suggested they take their horses out. "I haven't ridden Jedi much since Nationals," said Hayden. "Okay," said Lizzie.
So the two of them made their way out of the oak front doors and down the stone steps towards the grounds.
The large barn doors creaked loudly as Hayden slid them open and the two of them walked inside and down the barn aisle.
Almost immediately, Jedi and Flicka poked their heads outside the doors of their stalls and nickered in unison. Lizzie smiled as she walked up to Flicka, petting her face, running her fingers through her coal black forelock.
"Sorry, I haven't been to see you, I've had a lot going on," said Lizzie. Flicka nickered again as she gently nuzzled Lizzie's arm. "You know, don't you?" she asked. Flicka blinked her large brown eyes at her. Lizzie nodded. "What do you say we go get some fresh air? Hmm? One last hack before the end of term?"
Flicka whinnied and nodded her head. Lizzie grinned. "Be right back, then," she said as she and Hayden walked down the barn aisle towards the tack room.
Many students who boarded their horses here for the school year had already started packing up their things; nameplates had been removed from stall doors, tack had been removed from the racks in the tack room and tack trunks had been cleaned out.
Lizzie took Flicka's saddle, bridle, pad, Ogilvy, breastplate, brushing boots, and grooming tote all in her arms and took it all back to Flicka's stall in one trip.
"You're getting a whole lot stronger," said Hayden as he watched Lizzie perch Flicka's saddle on the door of the stall. "I want to ditch my walker by the end of next school year," said Lizzie. "Madame Pomfrey thinks I can do it!" "I know you can," said Hayden smiling at her. Lizzie smiled back as she took out a curry comb and began rubbing it against Flicka's coat and Hayden went to get Jedi's things.
He was back within a minute as he began to tack him up.
Both of them were tacked up and ready to go within ten minutes as Lizzie unlatched the drop latch on the stall door and led Flicka out into the barn aisle, threw the reins over her head, tightened the girth, and let down the stirrups. "Care for a leg up?" asked Hayden as Lizzie put on her helmet and gloves. "Sure," said Lizzie as she held the reins and the pommel with her left hand, and the seat of the saddle with the other, bending her left leg back as Hayden gripped her leg firmly. "Ready," said Lizzie.
"One….two…three!"
On 'three,' Hayden lifted Lizzie high enough so that she could swing her leg over the seat of the saddle and settled herself there, while Hayden helped her to put her feet in the stirrups. "All good?" asked Hayden as Lizzie adjusted the reins in her hands. "Yep," said Lizzie as Hayden mounted up on Jedi. "Ready?" asked Lizzie. "Ladies first," said Hayden. Lizzie smiled as she squeezed Flicka's sides with her legs. "Walk on, Flicka," she said as she and Flicka began walking out of the open barn doors with Hayden and Jedi walking close behind.
As soon as they were out of the barn Hayden walked up beside her. It was a beautiful, pleasantly warm day, the skies were clear and the birds were singing. Lizzie never realized up until now how beautiful the grounds were, but then again, she didn't really ride outside much.
Even as they rode on the edge of the Forbidden Forest, Lizzie remained calm, and so did Flicka. "I've been taking walks down here," she said. "Really?" asked Hayden. Lizzie nodded. "After Umbridge got carried away by those centaurs, I came down here, and I just…..sat here for hours…thinking."
"What about?" asked Hayden. "About what she did," said Lizzie. "How she tried to kill me. I kept thinking about it every time I came down here. I already knew why she did it, that wasn't the problem." "What, then?" asked Hayden. "I realized that – that the idea that she had tried to kill me was only part of the reason why I was having such a hard time trying to heal from this. It wasn't until she was run out of the forest that – that it started to become a little easier."
"So, Umbridge was a permanent reminder of what you went through?" said Hayden. "Yeah," said Lizzie. "She's not anymore?" asked Hayden. "Not like she was," said Lizzie, looking ahead of her then looked at Hayden, suddenly grinning. "Last one to the lake is a rotten dragon egg! Hyah!" Flicka immediately sprang into a gallop and before Hayden could do so much as blink, Lizzie was already halfway there.
"Oh, that is just not fair!" Hayden groaned as tightened his reins and lightened his seat. "Come, Jedi! Hyah!"
Hayden rose up into his half-seat as Jedi galloped after Flicka and Lizzie, who was far ahead of them. He had only raced Lizzie once, and it had been a photo finish. It started out as a group training session to get her ready for Nationals, and Lizzie sneakily turned it into a match race.
Lizzie reached the rocky shores of the lake long before Hayden did. By the time he caught up with her he was breathing like a winded rhinoceros.
Lizzie was breathing hard too as she turned to Hayden as he trotted up to her, clutching the reins in one hand, and a stitch in his chest with the other. "Best two out of three?" asked Lizzie. "No….you win," Hayden gasped. "This time," he added. "But that wasn't really a fair race – I didn't warn you, and got a head start."
"That didn't stop you last time did it?" Hayden teased. Lizzie laughed. "No, you're right," she said. "Draw?" "Draw," said Hayden, shaking her hand. "Just know that I'll beat you next time," he said. "I look forward to that," said Lizzie, beaming. "Me too," said Hayden as the pair of them led their horses to the water's edge for a drink and they both dismounted, taking off their helmets and sitting on the banks.
"You know, that wasn't the first time I raced like that," she said, the wind whipping her long dark red hair around her face. "Really? When was the last time?" asked Hayden, pulling his knees up to his chest and resting his forearms on his kneecaps.
"Last year," said Lizzie. "Cho Chang and I weren't getting along because Cedric was giving me riding lessons, and she became convinced that he was cheating on her with me." "Oh, please!" Hayden scoffed. "Just for giving you riding lessons, she thought he was cheating on her?" "Yep," said Lizzie. "He eventually broke up with her because she wouldn't let it go," said Lizzie. Hayden rolled his eyes. "Then eventually, she confronts me, and taunts me a little bit saying 'He's given me riding lessons before. Oh, did you think that was something special? That he was interested in you?' I ventured a pretty good guess as to what she meant by the emphasis she put on the word 'you'. I told her I was sick of her attitude, and she asked me if I wanted to settle this fair and square. I asked her what she had in mind, and she said, 'Cross country course; loser leaves Cedric alone'."
"So she was still convinced, even after Cedric had broken up with her that you two had a thing going?" asked Hayden. "Mm-hmm," said Lizzie. Hayden scoffed in disgust. "We were not seeing each other, but she thought we were," said Lizzie. "If I lost the race, according to the rules, I had to stop being friends with him, and fire him as my trainer."
"She was going to force you to end your friendship with Cedric because of her own insecurities?" asked Hayden. Lizzie gazed at him. "I'm just making sure I understand," said Hayden quickly. "Yeah, that was pretty much it," said Lizzie.
"Teenage drama – gotta love it, eh?" asked Hayden. "Mm-hmm," said Lizzie. "Anyway, I agreed to race her, not knowing what the consequences of doing that would be…."
"You didn't get hurt, did you?" asked Hayden worriedly. "Oh, no!" said Lizzie. "No, but at some point during the race, Cho's on her horse, and I'm on Raven, and we're both going for it, like Secretariat and Sham at the Belmont…" Hayden chucked. "….trying to outrun one another, she's galloping right next to me, and all of a sudden I feel this pain in my calf and my ankle, and I look down – she's kicking me in the shins!"
"What were the rules of this race – apart from the 'loser leaves Cedric alone' part?" asked Hayden. "First rider to fall off loses," said Lizzie. "And she was kicking you in the shins to make you lose a stirrups so you would fall off? That's cheating!" said Hayden furiously. "I don't think she cared," said Lizzie. "She was willing to go to whatever lengths necessary to protect what she felt was hers." "What happened?" asked Hayden. "Well, she did succeed in making me lose a stirrup, she did not however succeed in making me fall off Raven. We were about to go over a brush box, when Cho's horse shied and she fell off. Ha!" said Lizzie triumphantly.
"You won?" asked Hayden hopefully. "Yeah, but it wasn't really worth it," said Lizzie. "McGonagall and Flitwick heard about it – so did Cedric, and we were summoned to Dumbledore's office and we were told to explain what happened. I told them all what I told you, and then I showed them the bruises that were beginning to form on my shins from Cho kicking me. I rounded on her and told her she cheated, and she said, "At least I'm not having an affair with someone else's boyfriend!"
Hayden groaned. "Even after the race, she still won't give it up?" he said in disbelief. "She was pretty sold on that accusation," said Lizzie. "Dumbledore reprimanded her and told that was out of line and inappropriate, I was brave enough to tell her she barking mad, and she snaps back 'And yet, you're the one who's on medication'!"
"I knew I didn't like that girl," said Hayden. Lizzie nodded gravely. "We were both given a fifty point deduction, and a week's worth of stall mucking and tack cleaning duties. That was our 'detention'." "Damn," sighed Hayden. "Did she ever apologize?" "Let's just say, I never actually heard her say the words, 'I'm sorry'," said Lizzie. "So that's a 'no'?" said Hayden. "Right," said Lizzie. "What did Cedric have to say about this?" asked Hayden.
"I met him outside of Dumbledore's office – he wanted to speak to us individually so he could get both sides of the story without us interrupting each other," "Gotcha," said Hayden. "And he said, 'Professor McGonagall's just told me what happened,' He sounded really worried, and I told him I was sorry, and that it was a stupid thing to do," said Lizzie. "I remember, he said 'You could have gotten hurt'," "It sounds like he was more concerned with your safety than the fact that you raced his ex-girlfriend," said Hayden. Lizzie nodded. "Yeah, he knew that because of my CP, I was more vulnerable to getting injured," she said. "He promised he would talk to her, but I don't know if he ever did."
"Mmm," said Hayden. "Something weird happened at Cedric's memorial though," said Lizzie. "What's that?" asked Hayden. "Well, both Cho and were pretty devastated over Cedric's death, we were both close to him – in different ways, but close nonetheless," "Sure," said Hayden. "And so I was asked if I could sing a song at his memorial. I said yes, I'd be happy to."
"What song did you sing?" asked Hayden. "You Raise Me Up, by Josh Groban," said Lizzie. "Oh, you sang that at Raven's memorial!" said Hayden as Lizzie smiled. "This time I actually finished the song," she said. Hayden frowned. "You couldn't finish the song?" he asked. Lizzie shook her head. "The more I sang, the harder it got, because I was just so…..heartbroken. Eventually, I just…fell to the ground in anguish. I was crying so hard, I couldn't finish the song. That was when Cho got up from the Ravenclaw table and walked up to the podium where I was and she held my hand, and sang the remainder of the song with me."
"Are you serious?" asked Hayden. Lizzie nodded. "I think in that moment, we were both so upset, and so devastated that she figured, any kind of feelings we had toward each other didn't matter anymore, because Cedric was gone, and there was no reason to hold onto it anymore."
"That makes sense," said Hayden. "So are you friends now?" "Yes and no," said Lizzie. "We were able to settle our differences when it came to Cedric, I think. But I wouldn't go so far as to call us 'friends.' Remember in the Hog's Head when Zacharias Smith let it be know to everyone that I was mentally ill?"
"Yeah, she said 'Everyone knows, Lizzie!' You looked like you wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear forever,"" said Hayden. "It was humiliating," said Lizzie. "I'm sorry," said Hayden. "It's fine. I should have seen it coming," said Lizzie. "Seen it coming? How so?" asked Hayden. "Well, I was diagnosed in my third year, that's almost two years for word to go around the school, and for people to spread misinformation and stereotypes around…." "Like 'If you're mentally ill, it automatically means you're crazy'?" asked Hayden. "Yeah, exactly. "Maybe when you become a disability advocate, you can help with mental illness too." "That'd be really nice if I could," said Lizzie.
She turned and looked out into the shimmering water of the Black Lake, reminiscing about when she and Hayden skated on it last Christmas. "I just love this view," she said. "Yeah," said Hayden looked down at a tiny patch of grass near his left where an isolated little wildflower had grown.
Smiling, Hayden picked the flower from the ground, and tucked it behind Lizzie's left ear.
Lizzie smiled as she turned to look at Hayden as he leaned forward and kissed her.
She felt Hayden hold her face in his hands, his fingers entwining in her long crimson hair as a gentle breeze ruffled through his long curly hair. The two of them lost in their passion and love with one another as Jedi and Flicka grazed nearby, Flicka pulling up a tuft of grass and offering it to Jedi as he took it, gently nuzzling Flicka as Lizzie and Hayden continued to kiss passionately under the midday sun.
