A/N: Spencer not leaving a voicemail from Pentonville is, in my eyes, a big missed opportunity. So here's this!
Hey, Trina, it's me. I know you said that you didn't want to continue our friendship, and you set that boundary pretty firmly at The Savoy. I'm not reaching out with the intention of disrespecting that. I just wanted to call you, to hear from you, and…you know what, nevermind the reason why.
Cam and Joss came by for a visit earlier today, and they told me about how you're doing. I'm glad your return to PCU has been relatively smooth; getting your education back is a big deal. Congratulations on your internship with The Chuck too, you've more than earned it. And…I hope things are going well with Officer Cabrera. You…you deserve a great guy…a guy who won't hurt you the way I did.
I'm not going to trouble you with the gritty details of my time in Pentonville, you don't need my woes weighing on your conscience. But you should know that you…you've definitely been weighing on mine. For what it's worth, I wish things were different between us too, and if I could take back every terrible thing I did and said to you, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
Anyway, I'm happy to know you're doing well, and if we never cross paths again after this, just know that I cherish you more than you'll ever know.
Trina's heart broke in the early hours of the morning.
Rory was in the shower, the sounds of water hitting the tile coming from the closed door across the way. He agreed to take them home as soon as possible the next day. The convention was as fun as it was uncomfortable, and while she found a whimsical charm in the whole event, to say she was out of her element would be a hefty understatement.
She listened to Spencer's voicemail with her earbuds in.
Part of her felt tempted to erase the voicemail without taking the chance to hear the audio. The indistinct caller ID of "New York State Department of Corrections" did her no favors, but the consideration of deletion was a fleeting thought.
Trina stared at her phone screen as the audio clicked off, hollowed out. A mix of emotions began to ebb and flow within her, and each one felt as rational as the irrational ones that came before. A voice in her head screamed for her to erase the voicemail from existence.
And yet she sat there frozen in place.
"Trina?"
Rory's concerned voice snapped her back to reality, her head whipping up to see him. He rubbed his wet hair with a hotel towel, a robe wrapped around his body. Trina sucked in a breath, the emptiness growing deeper as she took him in.
"Is everything alright?"
"Yeah…everything's fine."
"You looked a little shell-shocked," Rory chuckled half-heartedly, "If there's something bothering you, we can talk about it."
"It's nothing," Trina tried to wave off, "It was just…a reminder to get started on one of my essays for class."
"Which is why you want to head back home so soon."
"I'd prefer if we left now."
"Well, I'll dry myself off and we'll be out of here ASAP, okay?"
When Rory disappeared behind the bathroom door, Trina looked back down at her phone. The voicemail stared at her, and when Trina examined the options laid out before her, she let her finger hover over the "Delete" option for as long as she could.
She readily named a different song each time Rory asked her what she was listening to as they drove back to Port Charles. Each time he asked, she restarted the voicemail and let Spencer's bittersweetness fill her ears.
To: Rory (2:10 PM)
Hey - can we talk?
From: Rory (2:12 PM)
Of course! What's going on?
To: Rory (2:15 PM)
There's something I need to tell you
From: Rory (2:17 PM)
You can tell me anything. What is it?
To: Rory (2:20 PM)
I've been thinking about us
About our relationship
From: Rory (2:21 PM)
And?
To: Rory (2:24 PM)
Promise me you won't get mad?
From: Rory (2:26 PM)
I promise
I love you Trina
Just tell me
To: Rory (2:28 PM)
Ok
Idk if we should be together
From: Rory (2:30 PM)
Oh
I see
Why do you feel that way?
To: Rory (2:32 PM)
Idk really
But I just haven't been happy
From: Rory (2:33 PM)
Was it something I did?
Whatever I did I'm sorry
To: Rory (2:35 PM)
It's not you, it's me
I just don't feel right
From: Rory (2:38 PM)
Oh
I see
To: Rory (2:40 PM)
I'm really sorry Rory
You're a really nice guy
You deserve a great girl
One who's crazy about you
From: Rory (2:45 PM)
Thanks
The sun broke through the blinds of Trina's bedroom as she opened her eyes. As the lethargy from the drive wore off, she hastily checked her text threads. A heavy disappointment weighed on her when she found that she thanked Rory for a trip she wouldn't forget.
"How was your trip?"
Ava's soft gaze felt like a dagger. Trina sat with her mentor, the modern pastel of Nina's apartment surrounding them. She ducked her head down, letting her eyes wander. The voicemail played absentmindedly as the rideshare drove her to the complex, and it bounced around in her head, the words a blurred mess.
"It was…fine," Trina replied softly, slowly bringing herself back to the present.
"Fine?"
"Yeah. It was fine."
"Well, what did you and Rory do?"
"Well, it was a lot of walking," Trina sighed, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, "but there was a lot to see. So many people dressed up, there were booths with all kinds of souvenirs, we met some of his favorite actors-"
"It all sounds…exciting," Ava gently threw her hands up, her face conveying uncertainty.
"I mean, yeah. The convention itself was fun, but otherwise…"
"Otherwise…?"
"Things were…iffy."
"What do you mean?"
"The hotel room Rory booked had one bed."
Ava paused, her eyebrows raised. Trina looked at her with a sharp firmness. The older woman attempted to decipher what was going on in her protégé's head, but the results came up empty.
"...Were there meant to be two beds?"
"According to him, yes," Trina slowly nodded, "He even called to try and change rooms out, but those rooms were taken by other people. So he slept on a cot."
"Did you not feel comfortable sharing a bed with your boyfriend?"
The moment Trina shut her eyes, Spencer's face, clean-shaven and smooth, appeared. She was back in the hotel room, her back against the white comforter, Spencer's hand gently holding her wrist down. There was a glint of affection in his deep brown eyes, something that stilled her in the hotel room and melted her in the apartment.
"Trina?"
"...No."
"How come?"
"Because…it's just…" Trina took a deep breath, "when I look at Rory, I see him for who he is. He's kind, patient, and responsible. I see a lot of good things."
"And what do you feel?"
"Any girl would be lucky to have him, and they should feel the rush that comes with loving someone."
"But you don't feel that way."
A hint of sadness was present on Trina's face, and Ava mirrored it. The older woman scooted closer in response, laying a gentle hand on top of the younger's.
"Are you supposed to feel so...empty?" Trina choked out, feeling tears gently sting the corners of her eyes.
"No, dear," Ava replied softly, "you're not."
"I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about Rory. I like him, I do, I just…I don't look at him and feel that rush of emotion I'm supposed to feel."
"I understand," Ava pulled Trina in for a gentle hug, "I'm sorry you're struggling with this."
"What do you think I should do?"
"I think…" Ava paused for a moment, taking in a breath, "I think you need to sit down with yourself and figure out how you really feel. Think it all out, and at the end of the day, if you don't feel love when you look at Rory, then it's probably for the best to end the relationship."
"But then what will everyone think?" Trina asked, panic laced into her tone, "My mom likes him, my friends like him-"
"What they think doesn't matter, Trina. What matters is what you think."
"And what about Rory? I know he loves me, he really cares about me, and I'm going to break his heart-"
"Unfortunately, heartbreak is a part of life," Ava said half-heartedly, shrugging her shoulders, "and it'll be terrible to see Rory so hurt. However, if you're not happy in the relationship, he won't be either."
"That's true…" Trina looked down at her feet. She could feel the gentle touch of Ava's hand at the back of her shoulder.
"When the time comes, you'll know what to do. For now, just think about it more, okay?"
"Hey Trina, I just got off work. Sorry I couldn't pick up the phone earlier!"
"It's okay!"
"Is everything alright?"
"Um…sort of?"
"Sort of? How so?"
"I just…I wanted to talk to you about something."
"Of course. What is it?"
"I've…been thinking…"
"About us?"
"...Yeah."
"What about us?"
"Um…it's just that we've been together for a while and…"
"And? Trina, whatever it is, you can tell me."
"Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise."
"Okay. Okay, here goes. I…don't know if I can continue this."
"This? Like…our relationship?"
"Yeah…"
"Oh. Can I ask why…?"
"It's just…I just don't feel happy in the relationship."
"I'm sorry about that. Is there something I can do to make things better for you?"
"I…don't think so. It's not you, Rory. It just feels like there's this…invisible thing between us. Like some random third party ruining the vibe."
"...Oh."
"I really do like you, Rory, but I think what I feel for you doesn't go beyond friendship. You deserve the best in life, and you definitely deserve a girl who will appreciate you in the way I couldn't."
"Well, I'm not gonna lie, this sucks. However, I'm glad you told me how you're feeling. And thanks for the confidence boost."
"So…friends?"
"It'll take me some time to get used to it, but-"
The clinking of plates snapped Trina back to reality. She could hear the gentle hum of the sink in the kitchen from where she sat in the living room, a wall existing in between. An open textbook rested in her lap, the words on the pages hazy. She checked her phone with a familiar haste, her heart sinking as she saw her mother's name at the top of her call list.
A tale of two faces existed at the table.
Trina kept looking between her two best friends, wilting at Josslyn's wistful expression while feeling a small sense of intrigue at Cameron's stern face.
"Sounds like your trip went well, huh?" Josslyn asked dreamily.
"Yeah…it did," Trina faked a smile, trying to ignore Cameron's raised eyebrow, "I had a good time."
"What's a comic convention even like?"
"Busy. And lots of walking. And people dressed up in costumes."
"What kind of costumes?"
"Well…anything. Superheroes, sci-fi suits, fantasy creatures, you name it."
"Did Rory dress up?"
"No, no he didn't. We just walked around and…just had fun."
"Well, I'm glad," Josslyn reached out to hold her friend's hands, "Seems like Rory's been a slam dunk of a boyfriend so far."
"Yeah…"
"I mean, sweet gifts? Fun trips? Zero heartache? Much better than Spencer."
The smile plastered on Trina slowly fell off, a hint of disgust in her eyes as she watched Joss look on in bliss.
"Rory's fine," Trina snapped gently, Cameron catching the tone shift, "and besides, Spencer's in Pentonville. He's not even a thought-"
"Speaking of," Cameron interjected, "Joss and I went to see him a few days ago."
"You did?" Trina asked quickly, "How was he?"
"Mostly fine. He says he's handling prison life well, but I'm not sure if I believe him-"
"We filled him in on what's been going on with you," Josslyn cut in.
"Why?"
"He asked about you. We told him about you being back at PCU, your internship with The Chuck, the wedding…"
"...Oh."
"If there was something we said," Cameron began, "that we shouldn't have, we're sorry."
"...No, it's fine!" Trina waved it off, "It's all good. I'm…I'm glad Spencer is caught up on everything that's been going on."
"You sure?" Josslyn cocked her head to the side.
"Yeah, I'm sure."
"Okay then," Josslyn nodded, leaning back in her chair, "Honestly, as much as it sucks that Spencer is stuck behind bars, it does feel nice to not have him around."
"...What do you mean?" Trina asked curiously, an edge to her tone.
"I mean things have been less stressful. For me, for you, for all of us. Cam and I are finally getting over what Esme did to us, you're not constantly suffering under Spencer's thumb-"
"I wasn't ever 'under Spencer's thumb.'"
"I know, I'm just saying he's not causing you grief."
"You are happier now that he's not around, right?" Cameron asked, ducking his head down to lock eyes with Trina. She felt a tinge of sweat at the back of her neck.
"Yeah," she forced out, "I am."
"I mean, you have to be," Josslyn laughed, "You got Officer Handsome wrapped around your finger. Any girl would kill for that."
"Hey," Cameron said in faux-annoyance. She playfully swiped at him in response. Trina smiled sadly at them, a small tug on her heart as she watched their smiles. She looked down at the table, her heart sinking.
Rory sat at the center of her inner turmoil, Josslyn and Cameron existing at opposite ends of the chaos. Trina knew how much Josslyn admired Rory, how fervently she supported their relationship, while Cameron's position was unclear. She wasn't sure where he stood, but as the three went their separate ways, the look he gave her showed that not all was well, and he knew it as much as she did.
She locked herself away that night, letting Spencer's voice fill her ears over and over as the room fell apart around her.
She didn't want to do this.
Trina stood outside of Kelly's, hugging her jean jacket closer to her small frame. It wasn't incredibly often that Rory had a day off, especially due to the Hook still being at large. A part of her was glad he was available, even moreso that he texted her to meet at Kelly's for a lunch date.
But now that she was at the restaurant, that joy turned cold.
She contemplated her next move, trying to find the right words to say to soften the blow. She knew Rory was tough (he was a cop, after all), but when it came to matters of the heart, anything was possible.
"Trina, hey!"
Rory waved her over to a table near the bar, a smile on his face as she stepped inside. She forced herself to smile as she took the seat across from him. She stared at his outstretched hand for a bit before placing hers on top.
"I'm glad you were able to meet me," Rory beamed. Trina kept forcing her smile in response.
"Yeah, of course."
"How are you doing today?"
"...Great!"
"You sure?" Rory raised an eyebrow at her.
"Yep," Trina replied with little conviction.
"...Alright then," Rory leaned back in his chair, "I know what to order, do you want the menu just in case-"
"We need to talk."
Trina didn't recognize the words rushing out of her until she recognized the stunned expression on Rory's face. She felt herself recoil back, her hand slipping out of his.
"About…?" Rory asked slowly.
"...Us."
"Okay. What about us?"
"Look," Trina began, clearing her throat, "you're a nice guy, Rory. Any girl would be lucky to have you-"
"And I'm lucky to have you."
"...Right," Trina sighed. She felt her heart ache as she considered what to say, but she knew there was no turning back, "Listen, these last few months together have been…fun."
"Just…fun?"
"Yeah, fun."
"But?"
"But…I don't see it being anything more than that."
"...I'm lost," Rory chuckled, "I mean, it seems like you want to break up."
Trina's mouth clamped shut. She stared at Rory with bright brown eyes, praying that she didn't have to open her mouth to confirm it. Thankfully, he got the hint.
"...Why?" Rory asked gently, "Was it something I did?"
"No," Trina said swiftly, "You didn't do anything wrong-"
"Then why do you want to break up?"
"I…I'm just unhappy," Trina took a deep breath, slowly closing her eyes, "When I look at you, I'm supposed to feel this…rush of emotion. I'm supposed to feel my heart stop, or butterflies in my stomach, or like I'm on top of the world. But in reality, I just feel…empty."
"...Oh," there was a heated disappointment on Rory's face.
"I'm really sorry. But what I said earlier is true: any girl would be lucky to have you. You deserve a girl that feels such a deep love for you-"
"The way you do for Spencer."
Trina felt her blood run still. Her heart stopped beating in the moment, restarting when she took in the bitterness on his face.
"I really am stupid…" Rory muttered, shaking his head.
"What?" Trina asked, "No-"
"Don't try to make me feel better, Trina. I know you used me to try and get over him."
"I really did like you-"
"Stop lying," Rory spat, "Stop lying to me, and stop lying to yourself."
"Rory-"
"It was never just us in this relationship. There was always something, or someone, in the way, and whether you want to admit it or not, we both know it was Spencer. It's Spencer who's always the topic of conversation, who's always on your mind, and who will probably always have your heart. Why don't you just own up to that instead of wasting my time…our time…the way you did?"
"I-"
"I really do love you, Trina. And while I hate how we've reached this impasse, I love you enough to tell you the truth. Own up to how you really feel, and actually do something about it. You owe it to yourself to get what you want for once-"
Trina's eyes snapped open in the darkness of her bedroom, her gaze fixated on the silhouette of the ceiling fan above her. Her limbs were outstretched on the bed, lying there with no desire to move. Her brain begged for her to not fall back in deep, but her heart stood strong with bittersweet resignation.
She'd leave for Pentonville first thing tomorrow morning.
Every fantasy of leaving brought her closer to him.
Trina didn't expect the inside of Pentonville to be so…blue. She sat in a room split in half by a number of glass panels. She drummed her fingers on the concrete surface, her impatience growing as the guards went to retrieve the subject of her visitation.
A newfound confidence ran through her as she drove to the maximum security prison. The adrenaline that rushed through as she lied to her mother about her plans, the contentment that fluttered as she ignored Rory's text messages, the determination that made her whole the moment his name left her lips when she stepped inside.
She owed it to herself to do this.
The voicemail replayed in Trina's head as often as she replayed it for her ears. It was a melody she never grew sick of, the emotions that stirred within her coming alive in dreams she wished were reality.
The door on the other side of the glass opened with a creak, and her heart skipped a beat when she laid eyes on him. His hair was disheveled and his face was aged, wisps of hair surrounding his lips. His prison uniform swam on him, and there was a darkness in his eyes she was far too familiar with.
When he saw her, the glint of affection swiftly returned.
He slowly sat down, a softness in his face that never failed to melt her heart. She picked up the phone and held it to her ear. She wanted to open her mouth and spill her guts, to give him something she knew he wanted, but she sat there in silence.
A fierceness twinkled in her eyes as he picked up the phone.
"Did you get my message?"
