'The Zen of Jen 2: Reconciliation'
A Star Trek Lower Decks Fanfiction
How was she to feel?
Heartbroken?
Betrayed?
Surprised? Shocked even?
It wasn't like such actions were unexpected. Her friend spoke at such great lengths, and repeatedly, to the faults and foibles of others, from the flaws of individual officers whom she metaphorically punched upwards, to the systemic failures of Starfleet itself. There was person who didn't screw up in her eyes, not one policy that wasn't in need of an overhaul, no truth or practice that shouldn't be exposed and put under the trial of public criticism.
Sometimes her friend's crusader-like bent was tiring and troublesome, but all overlooked for her incredible energy and integrity.
Until the rumor came out that Ensign Beckett Mariner confessed all of USS Cerritos' flaws and foul-ups.
Complete with specific incidents.
And names.
Rendering the scrappy, renegade lower-decker to persona-non-grata by all the crew.
Especially Ensign Jennifer sh'Reyan, whom as Mariner's lover, felt the sting even worse. And she made her feelings known before Captain Freeman transferred Mariner to Starbase 80.
A temporary sense of relief to a perceived backstab. For stardates, Jennifer carried an icicle, or chip as the humans colloquially referred in regards to the carrying of grudges, the size of an Andorian iceberg. The betrayal cut too deep, and for all our outrage, she still missed the excitable human. She missed her presence. Missed her touch, her kiss. Missed her can-do confidence and the way she always tackled problems with boundless energy and tenacity.
But no, she wasn't taking her back. When the reporter interviewed Mariner she did more than betray her. She betrayed the crew, the fleet, and the uniform.
And no amount of love could forgive a transgression of such magnitude, so Jennifer gave Mariner back her candle and ended their relationship.
She almost didn't play the FNN report, dreading how Mariner's expose would bare the Cerritos' crew's faults, and by extension, Jennifer herself. It was personal. She loved the Cerritos! She loved the crew! She didn't need another reminder of their breakup, of Mariner's betrayal, fresh on her mind as her tears. No way she wanted this self-flagellation. For the sake of her grief, she told herself, ignore the news report!
But she couldn't. The Cerritos crew waited anxiously for its broadcast. Any talk about it was inevitable. Whether she wanted it or not, Jennifer would eventually hear about its contents and be subjected to more emotional wounding.
It was best to be done and over with.
Jennifer curled up in her alcove, pushed play, and watched.
And while the crew exposed, jocularly, it's own lack of professionalism to the galaxy at large, the one redeeming point of the interview came from Ensign Mariner herself, who had nothing but high praise for the Cerritos, the crew, and her captain.
Exposing Jennifer's erroneous accessment.
"What... the... fuck?!" She breathed, both in the crew's astoundingly damaging candor and in Mariner's touching words. Then it occurred to her, back when they broke up. Mariner's confusion, she dismissed it as a ploy, as deception, ass covering. She was so angry, and it was so easy to believe Mariner's reputation for troublemaking, that she missed the obvious. Mariner was confused. Mariner didn't know what was going on. Mariner didn't understand the poisonous rumors circulating around the ship.
Why wouldn't she be, Jennifer reasoned. After giving a glowing review to reporter, it's no wonder Mariner was blindsided. She expressed her love for ship and crew. They payed her back with false incrimination and exile.
Realizing her complicity, Jennifer turned off the news broadcast. Her vision welled up with tears as she frantically tapped at the PADD, accidentally summoning minesweeper twice and solitaire once before she hit the right menu option for the subspace frequency dialer. She found Mariner's contact, touched her cheery face on the PADD, and hailed her, begging silently for her to answer.
'Blocked', in big crimson letters, hit her screen.
She hit the screen again, hoping for a different result.
'Blocked'.
By the third attempt her mind caught up with her grief. This was the only contact information she had, and with that line of communication cut, she had no way to reach Mariner.
No means to apologize. No way to repair the damage. Their breakup was not only tragic, it was final.
Tossing the PADD away, she pushed her face deep into her pillow to muffle her cries and absorb her tears.
Her last attempt to reach Mariner was through her delta-shift friends. Their curiosity and good natured-ribbing over Mariner and Jennifer's relationship was as entertaining as their confusion over the couple's status. It granted an opportunity to know Mariner's delta shift buddies as they investigated the worst kept secret on the ship, the status of Mariner and Jennifer's relationship. They were friends. Better still, trusted friends, the few who didn't sell out Cerritos to salacious rumors, by virtue of being too unimportant.
Ensign Tendi, hearing her sobs from the neighboring bunk, reached out to the grief-stricken Andorian. A hug from the sweet and sympathetic Orion was welcome, as were her excitable attempts to reach Mariner. She rallied Boimler and Rutherford to Jennifer's cause, but no alternate contacts, backdoors, or fake accounts could reach Mariner.
The finality of it all even crushed the optimistic Orion's hopes.
Mariner could not be reached.
She was gone.
The coming days became all about avoiding her grief. Stick to her assignments. Do exemplary work. Be better than she was yesterday, then surpass expectations tomorrow.
The illusion of the Cerritos' crews familial ties might have been gone, but she was a Starfleet officer, an Andorian of the martial clans, a professional! Setbacks and lapses didn't have excuses, only solutions. So in honor of Mariner she exhibited the same dogged professionalism that exemplified her last days, unbowed by pressures from the higher-ups, only broken when the crew lost their way. When she lost her way.
Her mission, to make Cerritos strong mean something again!
The redoubling of her professional efforts paid well in the coming days. She worked tirelessly, performed flawlessly, and didn't break during crisis. The Breen attack on Brekka didn't phase her, though an exploding EPS conduit nearly did. The lengthy repair lists and the double-shifts while Cerritos was in drydock sapped her energies but not her determination. While morale shook during the announcement of the California Class's decommissioning rocked the crew, Jennifer didn't waiver, determined to be Cerritos strong until the end.
Even if that end was a handful of stardates away.
Jennifer spirit felt lifted by the redoubling of effort. She had something to prove to herself. Not a legacy of Andorian professionalism, not as a starfleet officer, but as Cali Class, as a crewmember of the 'Ritos. As someone who needed to prove the naysayers wrong.
She had her chance when the Cerritos challenged the Aledo to a second contact race. She was first to volunteer, feeling invincible in the face of impending cancellation, unafraid of the automated starship who threatened her career in Starfleet. So she worked harder than anyone, never lost focus, stuck to the mission.
Her example didn't go unnoticed during the race. Commander Ransom dropped his casual flirting. Billups stopped playing buddy with his crew. T'ana dropped her cynicism and motivated the crew to greater heights of performance.
In the end, it wasn't enough.
A slip up from Tendi's tricorder lost precious seconds and ended the race for them. The Aledo slipped to the lead. By the time their third planet phase shifted out of reality, the race was over.
The Cerritos, dogged by controversy, taken repeated blows to morale, rallied to put on the best performance of their careers.
Defeated by a drone.
Hardest impacted was Ensign Tendi. Jennifer saw the disappointment in her eyes when they returned to the ship. She trained to be a senior officer, and a potential microbe detection on a supposed lifeless planet derailed not only the last chance for Cerritos to remain relevant, but endangered Tendi's career prospects.
The Andorian's first reaction was anger. A basic screw-up with a tricorder? How could such a little insignificant thing torpedo any chance of redemption? And why did it have to happen to her?
Jennifer benefitted from the clearheadedness that came with Andorian anger, and realized her reactionary spite was out of line. Detecting a microbe meant any construction or interference on the planet could derail it's evolution. Tendi was professionally bound to follow procedure, even at the risk of losing the race. The fault was not in being good enough. It was in being too good.
Once they beamed back aboard, Jennifer approached the devastated Orion science officer and returned a previous kindness with her own.
Jennifer looked into Tendi's quaivering eyes and whispered, "You did the right thing. Thank you."
Underestimating Tendi's exhuberance, Jennifer grunted when the Orion science officer embraced. Tight gripped, squeezing the air out of her, Tendi was a hugger!
Days of grinding work, avoiding her feelings, striving to hold up the highest virtues of the California Class. The end already here, ignoble decommissioning and a reassignment or a cashiering out of the service in her future. All for redemption in her own eyes, to honor a dear friend, to make up for failing to live up to her standards.
Somehow, in Tendi's arms, failure didn't feel like the end of the universe. It felt more survivable. More livable. That even if she lost everything and everyone she would be alright.
What did feel like the end was Aledo's suckerpunching phaser strike on the Cerritos' hull.
As for the rest, it was chaos that switched Jennifer sh'Reyan back to a professional Starfleet officer. The bulkheads might come crashing down, the corridors might suffer explosive decompression, systems may fail and the ship may fly apart. It nearly did when Billups over-accelerated the warp engines, and again when the warp core was ejected, and once more when the Aledo survived to pummel the Cerritos into a shattered wreck.
It tempted her to succumb to the smoke, lay down and give up when a jostle knocked her head on a wall.
Jennifer ran to her duty station, picking herself up when her feet failed and the ship shook from each blow, fought the swaying gravity, the heat, the smoke, and the chaos, and did her duty.
Solemn, paying attention to the niceties but not particularly attached to them, Jennifer sh'Reyan paid some mind to the celebration at the Cerritos' lounge. Lieutenant Shaxs boisterously bear-hugged Ensign Boimler, iliciting some amusement on her part. She found more amusement when Ensign Tendi found a newly transferred Vulcan officer and took it upon herself to drag the poor, unfortunate taciturn woman through an impromptu orientation.
After the destruction of the Aledo, the Cerritos returned to its normal rhythm. It was one of overwork, constant repair, and double-shifts on repair duty. The Cerritos took such a pounding it was easier to count the systems not damaged. Yet the crew worked without complaint and with energy and spirit to spare. A comradry, born from shared crisis, brought together by saving one of their own.
She found herself in an idle conversation with P'tok, not paying any particular attention, but being polite to her fellow former redshirt, until what she saw froze her to her core.
Mariner was back. Not in Starfleet reds, rather brown civilian leathers. Dressed like one of the archeologist guild.
"So that's what happened to her." She said to P'tok.
"Who?" P'tok asked.
"Mariner." She replied.
"Huh." P'tok grunted. "I thought she was on Starbase 80. Didn't you used to be her friend or something... ummm... Jennifer?" P'tok waved his hand in her field of vision. "Hey, Jeeeennnniiifffeeerrrrr."
Past P'tok's gentle fanning, Jennifer witnessed Captain Freeman tense up when confronted by her wayward daughter. She held her breath, unsure whether she would see a confrontation or reconciliation.
Mariner hugged her mother, a characteristically, unsubtly strong embrace.
For Jennifer, it was bittersweet. Success kept her position on the Cerritos. But without Mariner, she thought, would it be the same?
Jennifer wanted, more than anything, to leave the table, walk up to Mariner, and beg for her forgiveness. Maybe, if Beckett could forgive her mother for all she'd done, she could also, in time, forgive Jennifer?
She shook her head. "No, I shouldn't spoil the moment."
Didn't mean it didn't hurt. She felt the tears in her eyes once again. "Yeah... we had a thing." Jennifer replied, stood up from her seat, and said, while careful to keep out of her friend's eye contact, "I'm gonna go. See you later P'tok."
She left the lounge, head bowed and her arm shielding her tear-streaked eyes.
The weeks taught her she could survive anything.
Including a broken heart.
Didn't mean she couldn't feel any vulnerability. What if she talked to Mariner and she didn't forgive her? What if she, out of spite threw Jennifer's own disloyalty, her own hypocricy, back at her face? Despite the grief being a weakened echo of the desperation and anguish felt after seeing the news report, her heart still ached. What if the pain never went away? What if Mariner was a constant reminder?
"What up girl!" Called a jovial, familiar voice from behind.
Jennifer froze in place, afraid to turn around. Mariner! She wiped her eyes and looked as polite as she could.
"Ummmm... hiiiiii." Jennifer said, uncomfortably. "Ummm... welcome back?"
Marrier looked suspiciously at Jennifer, picking up on her nervous energy. "Hey, what's the matter? Don't tell me you're still mad? Are you still mad at me? I mean, I totally understand if you are, but I'm not here to fight, noooooo way! Honest to goodness, here to make peace, putting up the white flag, looking to parlay with my favorite Andorian..."
Jennifer burst into tears and dived into Mariner's arms and drew her as close as she could.
"Whoa." Cheek to cheek, feeling Jennifer's tears, Mariner, flummoxed, drew out her words. "I did not expect this. I thought you hated me."
Sobbing, Jennifer spilled out her thoughts. "I thought you hated us! Hated me!"
"What?" Marrier said, confused. "No, why would I hate you?"
"Why wouldn't you?! I thought you sold us out to that reporter, but it was us! We sold ourselves out! It wasn't your fault, it was ours! And I treated you like garbage over it!"
"Whoa, hey, don't sweat it, it's not like my past behavior did me any favors..."
"That doesn't matter! The only people on the crew who believed you were your friends on the Lower Decks, and I wasn't one of them! Me, your girlfriend! I should have been the first to believe you, but I was so angry and hurt that I didn't see you were trying to tell me the truth!"
Mariner stammered. "I know you're emotions were a little high, but I get it, it's okay..."
She threw herself off Mariner and wiped her tears. "I should have know better, and I would have if I'd known you well enough. I'll understand."
"Ummm, it's okay, really..."
"Just know I've been through a lot these last few weeks. A lot! And I've learned a lot too. Including how to cope with you hating me. I'm still hurting inside and I'll be fine. I just... hope you'll be fine too."
Mariner scoffed, then turned serious. "I mean, yeah, it hurt when you said you didn't know me, but I get it. Years of undermining my own character will do that, you know? So I'll tell you what. Why don't we talk. Just the two of us. Work it out. Wha'dya say?"
Jennifer sighed. "I don't know. I don't feel like I deserve..."
Mariner pulled a large purple and violet candle out of her jacket.
Jennifer gasped, "You kept it?"
"Like... duh!" Mariner chuckled. "It was either that or a pair of your panties and as far as mementos go that's soooooo creepy, so the candle was the better option." She said softly, "Tell you what, we each cut each other some slack, and we start new. Besides, I heard a lot of good things about you!"
Jennifer's antennae faced each other, confused. "You heard about me?"
"Yeah, how you were all super lower decker and stuff. Kept everyone going. Tendi wouldn't stop talking about it. Hope she's not thinking of swiping you on the rebound! Then again, green and blue are pretty hot together."
Jennifer's sadness broke, Mariner's irreverence had that effect on her.
Mariner was lost in her own rant. "And you mentioned something about personal growth? I had an incredible journey of self-discovery and learning too! So, no expectations, we'll update each other, tell our stories, and see where it goes!" She extended her hand. "Deal?"
Jennifer bowed her head and her antennae, nodding. "Deal. But where can we go? If we go back to the bunks your friends will find us."
Mariner's eyebrows arced in her coquettish manner. "There's the holodeck. We could go there!"
"Mariner!" Jennifer gasped, "We just meet after an epic breakup. Shouldn't we, you know, take it slower than that?"
"What?" Mariner said, innocently. "I'll throw on something dorky like New Vertiform City or Fairhaven. That's one hundred percent nosy officer repellant! And I promise, it's just to talk."
Coyly, Jennifer said, "If it goes beyond talk?"
Mariner had the answer. "Then thank Kahless tomorrow's Boimler's day to clean the holodeck filters!"
