Word Count: 1841
Summary: Sitting on the grass, Jordan talks about her feelings.
Disclaimer: I don't own Crossing Jordan or the characters.


"I like to think of you as that child you once told me story about. As that kid that would run around with a sheet as a cape. As the kid that climbed trees. As the kid that rode his bike to his friends' house in the middle of the night just because.

Other times I think of you as the man that put 'Snow White' playing on the TV for movie night instead of picking any other movie because 'Disney movies aren't just for children' and I just laughed and snuggled closer to you.

I like to think of you as the person that was always around the morgue even when you could just be in your office at the precinct. The man that would hand me a water bottle without me saying anything because you somehow always knew that I wanted one too. The man that always picked Maddie up when she was cranky and made her giggle.

The one I like to think about the most is the one that would just put music on as an excuse to dance with me. You always just stretched your arm towards me, a smile playing on your lips. And I would roll my eyes and grab your hand, and we would dance.

But somehow, the one I keep thinking about is the one that whispered, 'It's okay' and closed his eyes, and even after all this time, I still remember all that happened, even when I try to forget.

I remember the noises, the screaming, the begging for me to let go of you. I remember you whispering those words, I remember you trying to smile. I remember the crimson red that stained my hands and clothes. I remember Garrett holding me."

She starts to see everything blurry, and stops talking for a moment, wiping her tears with her shirt. A sad smile is creeping in her face, and for just a second, she closes her eyes picturing him holding Madeline, a big smile on her face as he stuck his tongue out and made funny noises.

But that image is quick to disappear and, in its place, comes the image of the crimson red, the cries and screaming of that day.

She opens her eyes again.

"I haven't taken anything out of the drawers yet. Your shoes are still at the front door. Your shirt from the previous day still sits crinkled on top of the couch because I can't get myself to fold it and put it somewhere else. Your shaving cream, shampoo, that pink toothbrush of yours," she stops to gather her thoughts, a smile, a slightly happier one creeping on her face "the pink toothbrush that you just needed to have because it has a Hello Kitty on it and you liked it so much." She shakes her head with the same smile still on her lips as she thinks of that day in the supermarket, his smile so big that his dimples appeared, her eye roll not enough to stop him from placing the toothbrush on the cart.

Now it was just another painful reminder of what happened.

"It's all still there. As if waiting for you to return. I can't get myself to put it away in boxes. Maybe one day, I guess, I'll be able to. But not yet."

She sits on the grass, playing with it for a while. Her thoughts drifting to the day they had a picnic in the park, during their lunch break. He laid down on their towel and start to rip grass and place it on top of her. He was finding it amusing for some reason, and she just let him.

"Maddie asks for you sometimes." She says, deciding to change the subject of his belongings still sitting in the same place in their apartment. All his movies, and CD's, his clothes, his photo albums. His robots.

"I don't know how she remembers you. But she asks about Uncle Woody, and I think Lily and Bug must talk about you to her. And Nigel." She pauses for a moment. "I think everyone talks about you to her. Shows her pictures and videos." Jordan pauses once more, smiling as she plucks the grass. "There's this video of the two of you dancing that I know Lily showed her. She's standing at the counter of the Pogue and she's twirling. You're laughing- I mean, everyone is. Nigel is the one recording, and Lily is clasping her hands and looking so proud."

She gulps, trying to keep the tears that are forming at bay. She barely succeeds.

"I miss you." She wants to tell him everyone does, which is true. Even if they all pretend, they moved on, they didn't. She can tell. When the new detective showed up to take Woody's place, everyone acted okay with it. But the detective was so similar to him when he had first shown up there. They had all pretended not to see the similarities, but she noticed them trying to keep the two away. It hurt her to see him around the morgue.

He was too similar. Except for the blue eyes and the dimples.

"I really do." She thinks of Kate hiding in the women's bathroom from the new detective, the soft and sad 'He looks like him' and all of the sudden she starts to take notice of the new detective following everyone around. She thinks of Lily hiding the peanut butter. She thinks of Nigel always looking over his shoulder every single time the doors opened, as if expecting him there. She notices the sighs, and the crestfallen look he has when it's not who he wants. She thinks to Bug holding those coffees, one handed to each of them, and not knowing what to do when he finds himself with an extra in his hands. She thinks of Garrett, that was so fatherly towards Woody, always so helpful to the blue-eyed detective, more to him than any other detective, shutting himself out of the investigations. But he always looked up when someone called for his help, always shaking his head. There seemed to always be a part of him that thought he could be him.

"We all do." She finally says, remembering her own father's look when he finally sees her. How broken he seemed. She knew how much they all loved and cared for him, of how Max and Garrett thought of the boy as their own son at times.

Her memory goes to the hospital when they handed her his belongings. His wallet, with that cut out newspaper picture of the two of them in a crime scene; his badge; his Saint Michael medal; and that ring box.

Her father had given her a look that day that told her he knew what the detective had wanted to do. She had put the ring box on her bedside table and left it there for the first few days. When she had returned to work, it had surprised no one to see the ring on her left hand.

She plays with it as she thinks about that day in the hospital. She plays with it as she thinks about the moment his body arrives at the morgue. She plays with it as she thinks about the moment they close his casket and lower it to the ground.

She stops playing with it when her memory goes back to the cries and screams and his whispered 'It's okay' that haunted her for so long.

"Maddie turned four the other day. Jeffrey told us she asked for a pony." She chuckles. "Lily got her a stuffed pony, and she now takes it everywhere."

She wipes the tears from her eyes.

"It keeps reminding me of our talk. The one where we both decided we wanted kids. You wanted three but were realistic and said one was enough. I said I wanted two and didn't care about being realistic. We were both surprised with our answers, because since when am I not realistic." She takes a deep breath. "I'm glad we didn't have kids. I don't think I could live with this little kid that has blue eyes and feel you always staring at me. I thought about it a lot. It'd be nice to have a part of you always around. But as time passed, I realized that it'd be too hard."

She looks at the engagement ring on her finger and thinks about the other ring that never was. About the life they talked about having but never had the time to live. About the house in the city limits they never got to buy.

"I was told I should start to go out and meet other people, but I don't think I'm ready for that yet, and everyone is giving me space to figure it out. What they don't know is that I almost went on one. I broke down when I put my dress on because I remembered you telling me how much you loved seeing me in it. I broke down when I entered the car because I realized the restaurant I was going to was one we wanted to try out but didn't have the time to. And then I broke down when I saw my date. Because he had this awful tie, and I almost called him Farm Boy and made a comment about his tie. So, I just left the restaurant and said I couldn't do it. He didn't answer."

She gets up.

"But today, I'm ready. I'm going to do it. I bought a new dress that you never saw me in. I chose a restaurant that opened recently and nowhere near one we once went to. And I asked my date not to wear a tie, which he agreed to do." She looks at the ring and takes it out. "This feels weird." She says out loud. "All of it feels weird." She says gesturing to nothing. "I thought it was weird talking to your grave since the moment I started, but it made me feel close to you, so I kept coming."

Jordan passes her hand on his name with a smile. "It doesn't hurt as much." She whispers. "I'll always love you, Farm Boy." The tears are rolling freely down her face, and she doesn't even attempt to stop them. "I always will. We all will. But we need to move on, no matter how hard it is."

She turns around to leave but shakes her head and turns to the stone again. "I hope you didn't think this means I'm never coming back, because I will." Passing her hand in his name again, she whispers, in the form of a promise. "I always will come back."

This time she leaves for real, the ring in her hand, the memories in her head, and an understanding that this is what he would want.

He would want her to move on.

And that's exactly what she would do.


The End

I know most of my stories seem to be about Woody dying, but that's because I enjoy getting to write about a grieving Jordan. Hope everyone likes it!