Why am I Still here???

The war ended a couple of weeks ago and everything seems to calm down. Everyone know what to do and not to do. Plans are made, families and friends reunited, saying goodbye to those lost in the wars and finally starting to life.

Still I wonder why I'm still here.

The guys and me decided to live together since we were the only ones who understood each other and most of us were at a loss at what to do. It was Quatre's idea really, he is the only one with real plans and a future, Heero, Trowa and me are all orphans with no real place to go, Wufei lost his change at a normal life during the war when his colony blew up trying to give him a life not knowing they were taking the biggest change way with that act. Quatre still has a family, a home and a business to go back to, he had money and the means to help us and that exactly what he did and that why we were all living together in one of his many houses on earth.

We seem to be doing okay, the guys all decided to take it easy for awhile, come to terms with what happened those years and give Relena time to settle everything down so we could come out, start looking for jobs and start living. It seems to be working since the guys are starting to relax, start letting go of old pains, masks and restrains. They smile more and finally do stuff they really like. They also lost the there usual clothes, I did do, at least for now. It would be strange if I didn't, they would notice that at least, I don't want them to not yet at least. They also do stuff together they laugh and have a great time.

I'm happy for them, I really am.

Yet, I feel restless. If the guys notice, they aren't saying anything.

It feels like I have to do something before finally letting go but I can't figure out what. I fulfilled my promise to avenge the deaths of my loved ones, stop war and find peace. I did all that and still I'm here!

Why?

I am not what I seem, but no one notices. Or they simply they don't want to see it or they did and don't want to deal with it.

I wonder if they ever questioned me. I've been shot down, blown down by explosions and I've been beaten by friends and foes alike and I never had a mark to show for it. Sure, I was sore for awhile but did they never notice I never bled? I never needed stitches and I never had any bruises after all I've been trough. Doesn't that seem odd to any one? Did they ever notice I never slept? Only rested or pretended to?

I guess they were too busy to notice.

I decided to do research and find answers to my questions. I read books, reports and theories for hours, days and weeks. The guys noticed but never questioned me, thinking it was probably a way to keep me busy. Everyone did something to relax: Quatre played music, Trowa practised and sometimes joined Quatre, Heero ran a lot and tried to keep in shape, while Wufei practiced with his Katana, I guess they though I had my books. I wonder if they ever noticed I wrote things down and the amount of time I actually read books, they even look at the titles of the books?

They all had the same theme!

The day soon came I finally found my answer after weeks of research. I had to go a certain place and I'll finally be able to return to where I belong. I didn't want to leave without a goodbye so I went to say goodbye without actually saying goodbye, 'cause if they found out what I was going to do, they'd probably stop me and I don't think I could say no to them.

But first I need flowers! I decided on my favourite: White roses, which is perfect since they mean Hope. The guys found it funny when I came home with them, trying to guess why I bought them, it ranged from girls and boys. I simply laughed and said they would find out soon enough. They kinda looked at me strange but eventually just nodded there heads accepting it.

That afternoon, I decided to say goodbye to the guys one by one, I first found Quatre in his music room, we talked a little while and then we played a piece together: me playing the piano and Quatre the violin and when I stood to leave I have him a big hug and whispers 'Bye Quatre' very quietly so he won't be sure if I said it or not and left without looking back.

Next was Trowa, he was in the lounge reading a book, we talked a little about the books and such and since he was sitting down I extended a hand and when he took it, I pulled him up and hugged him. I said 'Bye Trowa' in the same manner I did with Quatre and left without looking back, knowing very well he's was wearing a strange look.

Next was Wufei who was swishing his sword around and I decided to join him for a match, in which I beat him which shocked the hell out of him, I hugged him when the match was over and whispered 'Bye Wufei' and left without looking back.

Heero was bit more difficult to find but I found him out in the woods where he was exercising, I joined him while we talked a little and then we went back inside, I stopped him before we entered and gave him a hug and whispered 'Bye Heero' like I did with everyone else and left without looking back and went strait to my room.

I know the other three saw me hugging Heero and I know they were going to talk about it, I knew simply because I saw the looks on their faces and I know now..

They finally noticed, I am not what I appear. Though they don't know what I am yet. But I guess they'll know soon enough.

I showered and got my priest outfit back on. I read my notes one more time. Picked up the roses and left the house as quietly as I could. I tried not to look back.

I know during the time I was in my room they talked about my behaviour because I felt it. I left the note in plain site, so they wouldn't be kept in the dark, they deserved better. I'm just hoping they'll understand what it means.

I got in my car and drove up. Noting that they weren't too far behind. When I reached my destination, I stepped out of the car and started searching for what I was looking for. After 15 minutes or so I found what I was looking for under a tree. I kneeled in front of it, put down the roses and closed my eyes and started speaking the words I would have to say to be released:

" My promise of fulfilled, I avenged my loved ones, protected the innocent and helped stop the war twice. I did not know why I was still here after that but I finally found out I had to say goodbye to the only family I had left here: Heero Yuy, Trowa Barton, Quatre R. Winner and Wufei Chang. I wish you all long and healthy life. I wish you joy and happiness. Take care of each other, I wish you all the best."

"Goodbye, my friends, my family, my life."

I opened my eyes and saw everything start to blur. I leaned forward and kisses the object in front of me and I was finally free. I was back where I belonged. With my family, Solo, Sister Helen and Father Maxwell.

Forever.