I did this really fast with no time, so sorry if it's stupid. It's a
parody of Albuquerque by Weird Al Yankovic
Coruscant
By Sigil
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the
stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from
Watto's Junk Shop
You know the place.
Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just PEACHY!
Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
Watto would give me a whole bunch of orders before breakfast
Awww - BIG BUNCH OF ORDERS!
EVERY SINGLE MORNING!
It was driving me crazy
I said to Watto
I said "Hey, Watto, what's up with all the orders?"
And dear, sweet Watto
He just looked at my like a bantha looks at an oncoming landspeeder
And he leaned right down next to me
And he said "I'M YOUR MASTER, IDIOT!"
And then he tied me to a Podracer and had me fix his stuff
And made me do Podraces until I was nine and a half years old
That's when I swore that someday
Someday I would get outta that Podracer and travel to a magical, far away
place
Where the sun is never shining and the air smells like warm Gizer ale
And the slaves are oh so free
Where the Jedi and the Republic arrest bad guys all day long
And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel
Wacka wacka doodoo yeah
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came
true
Because the very next day, a Jedi put me in this contest
To see who could beat Sebulba in a Podrace at the Boonta Eve
My Podracer was damaged by Sebulba, but I still won the grand prize
That's right, a first class one-way ticket to
Coruscant, Coruscant
Oh yeah
You know, I'd never been on a real spaceship before
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
Except that I had to sit by a large Gungan with excruciatingly severe body
odor
And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time (oh wait,
that was me)
The flight attendants ran out of Gizer ale and salted womp rats
And the in-flight movie was Bantha Love with Bertie Bantha
And, oh yeah, we got attacked by a Sith
And he nearly killed Qui-Gon
And the ship barely got away without exploding into a giantfireball and
nobody died!
Especially me
You know why?
'Cause I had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright
position
Had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright position
Ah ha ha ha
Ah ha ha
Ahhhh
So I crawled from the safely landed spaceship
I crawled on my hands and knees right up to the Jedi Council
Dragged along by a big older Jedi
And a much younger Jedi
And I got asked a bunch of questions by a big, bald black guy
But finally I arrived at the world famous Coruscant Holiday Inn
Where the towels are oh so fluffy
And you can eat your nerf steak right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
It's OK, they're clean
Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C
And I turned on the SpectraVision
And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door
Well now, who could that be?
I say, "Who is it?"
No answer
"Who is it?"
There's no answer
"WHO IS IT?"
They're not sayin' anything
So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
It's some big fat Sith with a red and black tattoos and only two nostrils
Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky lightsaber
And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"
"That lightsaber's been just like a lightsaber to me"
And he's like "Tough"
And I'm like "Give it"
And he's like "Make me"
And I'm like "'Kay"
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Yes indeed, you better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all, the comlink got knocked off the hook
And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice
And you know what it said?
I'll tell you what it said
It said
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
In Coruscant, Coruscant
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my lightsaber
But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
I would not sleep for an instant until the two-nostrilled man was brought
to justice.
But first, I decided to buy some donuts
So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"
I said, "You got any glazed donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"
I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"
I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"
I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"
I said, "You got any apple fritters?"
He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"
I said, "You got any bear claws?"
He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check"
"No, we're outta bear claws"
I said, "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"
He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed womp
rats"
I said "OK, I'll take that"
So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the womp rats jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over
(rabid gnawing sounds)
Oh man, they were just going nuts
They were tearin' me apart
You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started
goin' through my head"
I believe it went a little something like this . . .
Doh
Get 'em off me
Get 'em off me
Oh
No, get 'em off, get 'em off
Oh, oh God, oh God
Oh, get 'em off me
Oh, oh God
Ah, (more screaming)
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating womprats all over my face
Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' like a
constipated akk dog
And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my
dreams
Her name was Padme
She was a diplomacy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of
strained bantha feces
I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.
She said "Hey, you've got womp rats on your face"
That's when I knew it was true love
We were inseparable after that
We ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint-
flavored dental floss
The world was our nerf steak
So we got married and we bought us a house
And had two beautiful children - Luke and Leia
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah
But then one fateful night, Padme said to me
She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna stop being a Sith for a while?"
I said "Whoa, hold on now, baby, I'm just not ready for that kind of a
commitment"
So we broke up and I never saw her again, but that's just the way things go
In Coruscant, Coruscant
Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me
Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream
That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Empire
I even made employee of the month after I killed a bunch of people by
thinking at 'em
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
I was gettin' a lot of attitude
OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot
Tryin' to breath without my respirator
When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' repulsorcouch up the
stairs all by himself
So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"
And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a lightsaber"
So I did
And then he gets all indignant on me
He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"
Well, that's just great
How was I supposed to know that?
I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy - so what's he
complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bite in
three days
Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite out of
his jugular vein
And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over
And I'm like "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?"
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
(screaming sounds)
You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?
Anyway, um, um, where was I?
Kinda lost my train of thought
Uh, well, uh, OK
Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is
I HATE TAKING ORDERS!!
That's all I'm really tryin' to say
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
And find yourself in an evil Empire
Full of loathing and self-doubt
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless
existence
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
Somewhere out there in this crazy old mixed-up universe of ours
There's still a little place called
Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant
Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant
I said "C" (C)
"O" (O)
"R" (R)
"U" (U)
(pause)
"scant" (scant)
Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant
Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant
Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant
Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant
Coruscant
(belch)
parody of Albuquerque by Weird Al Yankovic
Coruscant
By Sigil
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the
stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from
Watto's Junk Shop
You know the place.
Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just PEACHY!
Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
Watto would give me a whole bunch of orders before breakfast
Awww - BIG BUNCH OF ORDERS!
EVERY SINGLE MORNING!
It was driving me crazy
I said to Watto
I said "Hey, Watto, what's up with all the orders?"
And dear, sweet Watto
He just looked at my like a bantha looks at an oncoming landspeeder
And he leaned right down next to me
And he said "I'M YOUR MASTER, IDIOT!"
And then he tied me to a Podracer and had me fix his stuff
And made me do Podraces until I was nine and a half years old
That's when I swore that someday
Someday I would get outta that Podracer and travel to a magical, far away
place
Where the sun is never shining and the air smells like warm Gizer ale
And the slaves are oh so free
Where the Jedi and the Republic arrest bad guys all day long
And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel
Wacka wacka doodoo yeah
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came
true
Because the very next day, a Jedi put me in this contest
To see who could beat Sebulba in a Podrace at the Boonta Eve
My Podracer was damaged by Sebulba, but I still won the grand prize
That's right, a first class one-way ticket to
Coruscant, Coruscant
Oh yeah
You know, I'd never been on a real spaceship before
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
Except that I had to sit by a large Gungan with excruciatingly severe body
odor
And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time (oh wait,
that was me)
The flight attendants ran out of Gizer ale and salted womp rats
And the in-flight movie was Bantha Love with Bertie Bantha
And, oh yeah, we got attacked by a Sith
And he nearly killed Qui-Gon
And the ship barely got away without exploding into a giantfireball and
nobody died!
Especially me
You know why?
'Cause I had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright
position
Had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright position
Ah ha ha ha
Ah ha ha
Ahhhh
So I crawled from the safely landed spaceship
I crawled on my hands and knees right up to the Jedi Council
Dragged along by a big older Jedi
And a much younger Jedi
And I got asked a bunch of questions by a big, bald black guy
But finally I arrived at the world famous Coruscant Holiday Inn
Where the towels are oh so fluffy
And you can eat your nerf steak right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
It's OK, they're clean
Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C
And I turned on the SpectraVision
And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door
Well now, who could that be?
I say, "Who is it?"
No answer
"Who is it?"
There's no answer
"WHO IS IT?"
They're not sayin' anything
So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
It's some big fat Sith with a red and black tattoos and only two nostrils
Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky lightsaber
And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"
"That lightsaber's been just like a lightsaber to me"
And he's like "Tough"
And I'm like "Give it"
And he's like "Make me"
And I'm like "'Kay"
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Yes indeed, you better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all, the comlink got knocked off the hook
And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice
And you know what it said?
I'll tell you what it said
It said
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
In Coruscant, Coruscant
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my lightsaber
But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
I would not sleep for an instant until the two-nostrilled man was brought
to justice.
But first, I decided to buy some donuts
So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"
I said, "You got any glazed donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"
I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"
I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"
I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"
I said, "You got any apple fritters?"
He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"
I said, "You got any bear claws?"
He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check"
"No, we're outta bear claws"
I said, "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"
He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed womp
rats"
I said "OK, I'll take that"
So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the womp rats jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over
(rabid gnawing sounds)
Oh man, they were just going nuts
They were tearin' me apart
You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started
goin' through my head"
I believe it went a little something like this . . .
Doh
Get 'em off me
Get 'em off me
Oh
No, get 'em off, get 'em off
Oh, oh God, oh God
Oh, get 'em off me
Oh, oh God
Ah, (more screaming)
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating womprats all over my face
Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' like a
constipated akk dog
And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my
dreams
Her name was Padme
She was a diplomacy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of
strained bantha feces
I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.
She said "Hey, you've got womp rats on your face"
That's when I knew it was true love
We were inseparable after that
We ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint-
flavored dental floss
The world was our nerf steak
So we got married and we bought us a house
And had two beautiful children - Luke and Leia
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah
But then one fateful night, Padme said to me
She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna stop being a Sith for a while?"
I said "Whoa, hold on now, baby, I'm just not ready for that kind of a
commitment"
So we broke up and I never saw her again, but that's just the way things go
In Coruscant, Coruscant
Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me
Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream
That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Empire
I even made employee of the month after I killed a bunch of people by
thinking at 'em
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
I was gettin' a lot of attitude
OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot
Tryin' to breath without my respirator
When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' repulsorcouch up the
stairs all by himself
So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"
And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a lightsaber"
So I did
And then he gets all indignant on me
He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"
Well, that's just great
How was I supposed to know that?
I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy - so what's he
complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bite in
three days
Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite out of
his jugular vein
And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over
And I'm like "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?"
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
(screaming sounds)
You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?
Anyway, um, um, where was I?
Kinda lost my train of thought
Uh, well, uh, OK
Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is
I HATE TAKING ORDERS!!
That's all I'm really tryin' to say
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
And find yourself in an evil Empire
Full of loathing and self-doubt
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless
existence
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
Somewhere out there in this crazy old mixed-up universe of ours
There's still a little place called
Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant
Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant
I said "C" (C)
"O" (O)
"R" (R)
"U" (U)
(pause)
"scant" (scant)
Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant
Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant
Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant
Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant
Coruscant
(belch)
