Thanks so much to my reviewers! You put a bounce in my step with your compliments!
Well, here's part 2 but I don't feel it's as good as part 1. Hope you're not disappointed.
(Qui-Gon's thoughts)
They say time is distorted in a black hole, stealing years from a being's life span in a mere second. The theft is so quick, so painless, that it goes undetected. At first. But lost time has a way of catching up to even the most vigilant, striking at any weakness, giving a stinging rebuke for misspent moments. Time is something you can not get back....ever.
As Yoda's apprentice, he repeatedly lectured me, "Time, gift it is, tool it is not." But I remained proficient at procrastination, certain that I could complete any task or duty in my own time frame. I foolishly clung unto the thought that the future could deal with it's self, that the present was always more important. How many times did I sternly rebuke Obi-Wan for focusing on the future and not the present!?! I should have followed the boy's example and not my own. Long ago I should have admitted that the boy has always been the better teacher.
Now as I clutch Obi-Wan's dying body to me, I know the cruel truth of Yoda's words. Time is a gift. It is not a tool, not a way to manipulate life to your liking. Any fool can tell you that life is never manipulated. Any fool but me! I believed that I could manipulate life, time, or space, all to my specifications. Tragically, it is this boy that I love as a son who is paying the price for my foolish beliefs, obstinate pride.
I thought I had time to gradually lower my barriers, to slowly allow Obi-Wan access to my feelings, my heart. I needed to be certain Obi-Wan would not harm me as Xanatos did. I needed to moderate my affection to the boy until he proved himself worthy of my love.
Sith! What a fool I have been!!! I have loved this boy from day one and that terrified me! I didn't want to feel again, didn't want to ever be hurt again as I had been. I wanted to stay sheltered, forever. But Obi-Wan was so honorable, and caring, and pure...he was indelibly placed in my heart the second I saw him lying in the sickbay of the Monument bound for Bandomeer. And yet, moments after I realized that I cared for the boy, I gruffly refused to accept him as my Padawan, breaking his noble heart without regret...again.
But I wouldn't stop harming the boy there, no, I would refuse him again and again. Even as the boy became my Padawan, I kept to the same heartless path, a path of stern rebukes, impatient teachings and a deception of detached regard. I never once told him I loved him, never once allowed myself the hugs I so wanted to administer to the boy when he returned from a life threatening escapade, alive and unscathed. No, I stored all those "weak" impulses away, reassuring myself that I would unveil them at the appropriate time. A time when I was certain of Obi-Wan's loyalty to the force...to me.
But now my illusion of manipulating time has finally been revealed as a sham. As Obi-Wan's blood gathers on the hanger deck like scattered sand, I know the hourglass I thought I controlled has been shattered. "No!" tears from my throat as I sense my son slipping from my life and I pull him tighter against my chest.
When I first dropped to my knees at his side, I feared that I had already lost him, his pulse and force were almost undetectable. But, though our bond, I knew that he lived, at least for the moment. I pressed my hand against the boy's blaster wound, trying to stanch the steady flow but it persistently surged through my fingers. I caressed the boy's white, still face but there was no reaction from the failing body of my apprentice. Knowing that science could not save the boy, reacting as a father, I pulled my son into my arms and surrounded him with love.
Now as I look down at the youthful face pressed to my chest, my heart clenches. I can not bear to lose this boy, my boy. I have wasted so much time, have delayed so much happiness, have kept so many words unspoken. I have no more time to do any of it.
My words are gentle, desperate, and unsteady as they are uttered past the sob that is constricting my throat. "I love you, Obi-Wan. I should have told you that a long time ago... on Bandomeer...after Medina/Daan...everyday." I close my eyes in anguish at my foolishness but a moment later I refocus on the precious face of Obi-Wan. "I was scared, my Padawan. Scared of being hurt again, scared of allowing myself to feel again, scared of becoming vulnerable," my voice turning bitter with self loathing. I stroke Obi-Wan's hair as I continue, "I let my fear control me and almost deprive me of the greatest gift I have even been given, a Padawan I love as a son."
One of my tears drops onto the boy's face and follows a path I can see the boy's own tears traveled only minutes prior. With my thumb, I gently brush our joint tears from his check. "But holding you now..." my voice breaks and I pull upon every strength of will I possess to continue, "I know a fear that can blanket my soul forever. The fear of losing you. I can't overcome this, Padawan. Not this, never this." And my words dissolve into a sob.
With new resolve, I staunch my sobs. Knowing that there is little to nothing that I won't exploit or sacrifice for the boy's life, I call upon a new tactic. With my tone full of adoration and respect, I softly begin. "Every time I have needed you, you have been there Obi-Wan. You have willingly offered all in your possession, even your very life, to aid me...to save me. No one could ask for a better Padawan." I pause, hesitant in my new tactic, but as I sense the force pulling Obi-Wan to it's embrace, the words pour from me. "But if you leave me now," I swallow, hard, but manage to continue to keep the desperation from my voice, "you will not be there when I need you. By relinquishing your own life now, you will be forfeiting my life." I pause, letting the words penetrate the boy's almost unresponsive mind. My final words are strong, firm, unwavering. "But I know you could never be selfish like that. It is not who you are."
And then time seems to again be manipulated by a black hole, stretching into infinity within a two-second time frame. I watch Obi-Wan for any signs that my words have reached him, have forced a response from him. And with my whole being I pray that I may have more time with the boy, another chance to express my love for him, another chance to save my own soul.
When Obi-Wan draws in a breath and his force strengthens, I can not hold back my sobs of joy. I lean over the boy, clutching to him and swearing to never relinquish my hold. Once again my son's loyalty and honor have saved my soul and rewarded me with a precious gift. Time. Time to be a father, time to love a son.
TBC??????
Well, here's part 2 but I don't feel it's as good as part 1. Hope you're not disappointed.
(Qui-Gon's thoughts)
They say time is distorted in a black hole, stealing years from a being's life span in a mere second. The theft is so quick, so painless, that it goes undetected. At first. But lost time has a way of catching up to even the most vigilant, striking at any weakness, giving a stinging rebuke for misspent moments. Time is something you can not get back....ever.
As Yoda's apprentice, he repeatedly lectured me, "Time, gift it is, tool it is not." But I remained proficient at procrastination, certain that I could complete any task or duty in my own time frame. I foolishly clung unto the thought that the future could deal with it's self, that the present was always more important. How many times did I sternly rebuke Obi-Wan for focusing on the future and not the present!?! I should have followed the boy's example and not my own. Long ago I should have admitted that the boy has always been the better teacher.
Now as I clutch Obi-Wan's dying body to me, I know the cruel truth of Yoda's words. Time is a gift. It is not a tool, not a way to manipulate life to your liking. Any fool can tell you that life is never manipulated. Any fool but me! I believed that I could manipulate life, time, or space, all to my specifications. Tragically, it is this boy that I love as a son who is paying the price for my foolish beliefs, obstinate pride.
I thought I had time to gradually lower my barriers, to slowly allow Obi-Wan access to my feelings, my heart. I needed to be certain Obi-Wan would not harm me as Xanatos did. I needed to moderate my affection to the boy until he proved himself worthy of my love.
Sith! What a fool I have been!!! I have loved this boy from day one and that terrified me! I didn't want to feel again, didn't want to ever be hurt again as I had been. I wanted to stay sheltered, forever. But Obi-Wan was so honorable, and caring, and pure...he was indelibly placed in my heart the second I saw him lying in the sickbay of the Monument bound for Bandomeer. And yet, moments after I realized that I cared for the boy, I gruffly refused to accept him as my Padawan, breaking his noble heart without regret...again.
But I wouldn't stop harming the boy there, no, I would refuse him again and again. Even as the boy became my Padawan, I kept to the same heartless path, a path of stern rebukes, impatient teachings and a deception of detached regard. I never once told him I loved him, never once allowed myself the hugs I so wanted to administer to the boy when he returned from a life threatening escapade, alive and unscathed. No, I stored all those "weak" impulses away, reassuring myself that I would unveil them at the appropriate time. A time when I was certain of Obi-Wan's loyalty to the force...to me.
But now my illusion of manipulating time has finally been revealed as a sham. As Obi-Wan's blood gathers on the hanger deck like scattered sand, I know the hourglass I thought I controlled has been shattered. "No!" tears from my throat as I sense my son slipping from my life and I pull him tighter against my chest.
When I first dropped to my knees at his side, I feared that I had already lost him, his pulse and force were almost undetectable. But, though our bond, I knew that he lived, at least for the moment. I pressed my hand against the boy's blaster wound, trying to stanch the steady flow but it persistently surged through my fingers. I caressed the boy's white, still face but there was no reaction from the failing body of my apprentice. Knowing that science could not save the boy, reacting as a father, I pulled my son into my arms and surrounded him with love.
Now as I look down at the youthful face pressed to my chest, my heart clenches. I can not bear to lose this boy, my boy. I have wasted so much time, have delayed so much happiness, have kept so many words unspoken. I have no more time to do any of it.
My words are gentle, desperate, and unsteady as they are uttered past the sob that is constricting my throat. "I love you, Obi-Wan. I should have told you that a long time ago... on Bandomeer...after Medina/Daan...everyday." I close my eyes in anguish at my foolishness but a moment later I refocus on the precious face of Obi-Wan. "I was scared, my Padawan. Scared of being hurt again, scared of allowing myself to feel again, scared of becoming vulnerable," my voice turning bitter with self loathing. I stroke Obi-Wan's hair as I continue, "I let my fear control me and almost deprive me of the greatest gift I have even been given, a Padawan I love as a son."
One of my tears drops onto the boy's face and follows a path I can see the boy's own tears traveled only minutes prior. With my thumb, I gently brush our joint tears from his check. "But holding you now..." my voice breaks and I pull upon every strength of will I possess to continue, "I know a fear that can blanket my soul forever. The fear of losing you. I can't overcome this, Padawan. Not this, never this." And my words dissolve into a sob.
With new resolve, I staunch my sobs. Knowing that there is little to nothing that I won't exploit or sacrifice for the boy's life, I call upon a new tactic. With my tone full of adoration and respect, I softly begin. "Every time I have needed you, you have been there Obi-Wan. You have willingly offered all in your possession, even your very life, to aid me...to save me. No one could ask for a better Padawan." I pause, hesitant in my new tactic, but as I sense the force pulling Obi-Wan to it's embrace, the words pour from me. "But if you leave me now," I swallow, hard, but manage to continue to keep the desperation from my voice, "you will not be there when I need you. By relinquishing your own life now, you will be forfeiting my life." I pause, letting the words penetrate the boy's almost unresponsive mind. My final words are strong, firm, unwavering. "But I know you could never be selfish like that. It is not who you are."
And then time seems to again be manipulated by a black hole, stretching into infinity within a two-second time frame. I watch Obi-Wan for any signs that my words have reached him, have forced a response from him. And with my whole being I pray that I may have more time with the boy, another chance to express my love for him, another chance to save my own soul.
When Obi-Wan draws in a breath and his force strengthens, I can not hold back my sobs of joy. I lean over the boy, clutching to him and swearing to never relinquish my hold. Once again my son's loyalty and honor have saved my soul and rewarded me with a precious gift. Time. Time to be a father, time to love a son.
TBC??????
