Title: This Feeling That Remains.

Summary: In the aftermath of the car accident, the Gilmore Girls try to pick up the pieces and move on.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. This story idea is my own, although it does contain some scenes from the actual show in places. (mainly at the beginning)

Authors Note: This fic starts during the episode Teach Me Tonight, right after Lorelai leaves Rory at the hospital to go and find Jess. It's a Java/Lit fic.

Thanks to Tye, ILoveJess, blackrose, JCtigerwolf4e, AvidTVfan, Roganu-chan, mememe, Jayde, sleepless-dreams, Arianna and Katie. You guys are the best for reviewing so frequently.

And Sweetie, I believe your request for a 'Previously, On Gilmore Girls...' update has just been answered. ;)

*~*~*~*

Rory was proud of herself. All things considered, she'd done a really good job of convincing everyone she was completely fine. A little white lie and a big fake smile had everyone believing that her world was as perfect as always.

She'd danced with Dean, laughed with Lorelai and done everything she thought was expected of her as a bridesmaid. She'd put on a good show. Going through the motions. And no one had questioned it.

She pulled a book off of the shelf and the one it had been propping up, fell, sending a small cloud of dust into the air.

Coughing a little, she waved it away and brushed some more dust off of the cover of the book.

"Washington D.C: A Travelers Guide to the District of Columbia and Nearby Attractions."

She spun around to see who had spoken.

"Jess…"

"You know… that doesn't exactly look up to date." He noted, looking over her shoulder at the book, but never at her.

"Oh…" Rory looked down at it.

It did look a little old. She opened it and looked for a date. 1989. She felt a small blush rising on her cheeks.

"Here."

Jess reached past her, his arm brushing against hers for a moment, causing the small hairs on the back of her neck to stand on end.
He pulled another book off of the shelf and handed it to her.

"21st Century Complete Guide to American Landmarks." She read. "Historic Washington DC Sites including the White House, Capitol, National Mall Monuments and Memorials, Arlington National Cemetery, Pentagon Building, plus National Historic Landmarks and Park Service Historic Places Nationwide with Great Travel and Vacation Planning Information."

"Should keep you busy for at least one afternoon." He remarked casually.

"Yeah. Should." She chuckled quietly.

"Going on vacation?" He asked uncertainly.

Rory cringed and turned around to face him. She wasn't going to tell him. She wasn't going to say goodbye. She didn't want to have the 'where are we now' conversation with him. That's why she was going away, to figure it out, so she'd be better prepared for said conversation!

"Um… Paris and I, we got elected as Student Body President and Vice President." She blushed more.

He didn't respond. He didn't seem surprised at all. He was waiting for her to tell him how Washington D.C travel guides came into it.

"Anyway…" She sighed, looking back down at her book. "We have to go to Washington for the summer. Some Junior Leadership program."

"Huh."

"It's stupid, but… it's just something to put on my college application, you know? Along with my extensive hours of serving the community… teaching kids to read, feeding orphaned puppies… building death trap houses for the needy..." She babbled.

"How long are you going for?" He cut her off.

"Um… Six weeks." She nodded, unable to look him in the eyes. "Six weeks straight of me and Paris sharing a dorm room. Six weeks straight of me banging my head against a brick wall." She smiled, trying to make light of it. "Do not expect me to return a sane person with any ability to function in society as we know it."

"Don't expect anything from Rory. Got it."

His remark stung, and she almost physically recoiled.

"So… I have to go." She said quietly, edging slowly towards the end of the aisle.

"See you in six weeks." He sighed, heading back over to the 'Literature and Fiction' section of the bookstore.

Rory watched him sadly. She didn't want to leave without clearing the air, but she didn't know what to say. All she'd managed to do so far was make it worse.

"Jess?" She called out to him, wondering why.

He turned around and looked at her, but didn't say anything. She stared at him for a minute, trying desperately to find a word or a set of words that meant anything…

"See you in six weeks."

She cursed herself as the words left her mouth. What was she thinking? She closed her eyes and sighed deeply. She reopened them slowly, dreading his reaction.

He didn't say anything. He held her stare for a moment, nodded, and walked away.

* * * * *


Her vision blurred with tears as she fumbled to unlock the door, and finally, she dropped her keys.

"Damnit!" Rory sobbed quietly as she bent down to pick them up. Once she was down, her body refused to stand up, and so she gave in and sank down against the front door.

It was just the last in a long line of small things that had gone wrong since she saw Jess at the bookstore. She had to fight hard to stop herself crying the whole way home, and it wasn't as if her journey had been obstacle free.

The worst thing to happen was running into Dean on his way to work. She'd had to put on a smile and pretend she was ok. He wanted to spend time with her. And she wanted to spend time with him too, she really did. But she felt as if she was screaming on the inside. All she wanted to do was run in the opposite direction as fast as she could. But her feet felt as if they were glued to the sidewalk.

So she stood in place, with her fake smile, and nodded as he listed off things they might possibly do that evening. On any other day, renting a movie and ordering a pizza would have sounded like heaven. But today, heaven would be screaming at the top of her lungs, in hopes of letting out every last shred of confusion in her body.

"Rory?"

She looked up suddenly, surprised to see her mother standing in the now open doorway, a concerned expression on her face.

"Mom… what are you doing home?"

"I forgot the staff roster for next week." She said, holding up a piece of paper with a neatly planned out table on it. "Why are you sitting out here?"

"I don't know." Rory sighed, making a half-hearted attempt to dry her eyes.

She didn't even feel like trying to hide it anymore. She was too emotionally tired. Pretending she cared when she didn't. Pretending she didn't care when she did. Trying to keep up the Happy Rory façade so that no one would ask what was wrong, and she wouldn't have to lie.

"I went to the bookstore." She started, gasping for breath softly.

"Ok…" Lorelai stepped out onto the porch and sat beside her daughter.

"And… I was just… looking, at books…"

"That's what bookstores are there for…" Lorelai smiled gently.

"And then Jess came over…" She continued, looking down at her hands.

"Jess? Since when is Jess back?"

"Since a few days ago." Rory sighed.

"Luke didn't mention it." Lorelai frowned. "And I haven't seen him."

"Maybe they're worried about how you'll react?" Rory shrugged and wiped her eyes again. "Anyway… it was awkward and I felt bad and things didn't go well… and then when I went to buy the book I realized that I didn't have enough money. I thought I grabbed a $10 but it was only a $1. But Andrew was nice about it and he said he knew he could trust me and said I could pay him back later."

"Well… that was nice of him." Lorelai offered, rubbing Rory's arm gently.

"Yeah. But I don't deserve nice. I don't deserve trust! And then I was crossing the street, and I wasn't paying attention and some guy nearly hit me with his stupid Beetle, and he started yelling at me." She sighed. "He was being so mean and… everyone was looking. And then I saw Dean and he wants to get together tonight. And I want to see him, but I just… I don't feel like it. But if I tell him that, he'll get upset and I don't wanna be in a fight with him…" She buried her face in her hands. "I'm a horrible person!"

"Hey!" Lorelai pulled her into a hug. "You are not a horrible person! You hear me? Now… what brought all this on? I refuse to believe it was some moron in a Volkswagen!"

"I kissed Jess."

"What?" Lorelai's mouth hung open for several seconds while she tried to think of an actual word that wouldn't make a minister blush.

"I kissed Jess." She wept, fresh tears coming to her eyes.

"At the bookstore?!"

"No… at the wedding."

"Wait… Jess was at the wedding? Why was he at the wedding?"

"I think, because of me." Rory sighed, finally looking Lorelai in the eyes. "Because he wanted to see me."

Lorelai stared at her daughter in disbelief, unable to grasp the fact that things hadn't been right for a while… and she hadn't even seen it.

"Ok, rewind… I don't understand, why would Jess move back to Stars Hollow…?"

"Because I kissed him."

"Yes, but that was… after."

"Before." Rory admitted guiltily.

"What?! Two kisses?"

"Yes, two kisses! See, I'm a horrible person!" She asserted, her voice getting louder with each word.

"Calm down…" Lorelai sighed. "When did you first kiss him?"

"In New York."

"When were you in New York?!"

"The day you graduated. I went to New York to see Jess. I don't know why, I just did. And I kissed him. I don't know why… I just…"

"Did?"

"Yes. And that was why I was late."

None of it made any sense. Lorelai couldn't understand how her own daughter, her best friend, could have done so many things without telling her.
She ran a hand through her hair, just staring out at the front yard.
Daughter went to New York. Daughter kissed Jess. Jess moved back to Stars Hollow. Daughter kissed Jess again. Daughter crying on the front porch. Mother clueless the entire time!

"I'm sorry. I know, I should have told you." Rory sniffed, trying to regain control of her emotions. "I just didn't know how you'd react, and I didn't want you to be ashamed of me or disappointed in me. Because this isn't me! I promise! I don't know what is wrong with me. I think I hit my head in the car accident or something. I think we should sue the stupid hospital for not seeing it!"

She suddenly got up and started making her way into the house, as a very bewildered Lorelai followed.

"But I swear that I'll be back to normal soon. I'm going to go to Washington and think about what I did! I won't leave my dorm room unless it's part of the program. I won't go sight seeing, and I won't have fun. I won't even talk to anyone unless I'm required to! And I'll be better when I get home. I'll be Rory again, and not this insane brainless wench who goes around kissing boys who aren't her boyfriend!"

"Rory…"

"I'm sorry."

"Rory!"

"I'm sorry!" Rory burst into tears all over again and Lorelai pulled her into another hug. "I'm so, so sorry, mom."

"I know, babe." Lorelai sighed.

"I don't know why I did it. I don't know why!"

"It's ok. It's ok… we'll talk about it and… we'll figure it out." She assured her, stroking her hair soothingly.

* * * * *


"What are you doing?" Luke frowned as he watched Jess bussing tables.

"Working."

"Yeah… I see that. But… what are you doing." He asked again, tilting his head to the side.

"Working!" Jess repeated in frustration.

Luke nodded, a small smirk spreading across his lips.

"What? Why are you looking at me like I have a damn 'kick me' sign on my forehead?" Jess demanded.

Luke walked over and picked something out of the plastic tub Jess was carrying around to collect dirty plates and cups.

"Now… I know you've been away for a few weeks, but just to refresh your memory…" He held up a ketchup bottle. "These stay on the tables."

Jess frowned at the ketchup bottle and then glanced behind him. Every table in the diner that he thought he'd cleaned still had dirty dishes all over it. Without realizing what he was doing, he'd bussed all the condiments and menus instead.

"Ah, crap." He muttered, dumping the tub on the counter.

"Where'd your mind wander off to?" Luke chuckled.

"No where." Jess shot back as he started emptying things out of the tub. "I can't help it if this job is so mind numbing that I sometimes drift off and start sleep walking."

"Well, I was gonna' offer to finish cleaning up. But now you can do it yourself."

"You take way too much pleasure in making my life hell. It's sick."

The bell above the diner door jingled and both Luke and Jess looked over.

"Hey."

"Lorelai, hey…" Luke smiled slightly, following Lorelai's glance over to Jess.

"Hey." She replied with a small smile, shifting her gaze between the two. "Jess. Hey." She said uncertainly.

"Uh… hey." He frowned, not sure why his head was still attached to his body.

"Jess, why don't you go on upstairs, I can take care of this."

"But you just said…"

"Leave. Now."

Jess rolled his eyes and sauntered over to the stairs. Lorelai watched and waited until she heard the apartment door close.

"So… he's back."

"I know, I should have said something…" Luke started apologetically.

"Hey…" Lorelai shrugged and sat down at the counter. "I don't run this town, you don't answer to me…"

"But I should have let you know. Truth is, I didn't even know until I got home from the wedding and found him in the apartment." He shook his head and sighed. "I do not wanna know how he got in."

Lorelai smiled slightly and some of the tension in the room seemed to lift. But not all.

"Are you closed?" She asked, looking around at the deserted diner and then down at her watch.

"Oh… not really. Just a quiet night." Luke sighed.

"But you were? Closing, I mean."

"Figured I may as well save some electricity." He smiled slightly. "Why? Did you want something to eat?"

"Is the kitchen still open?" She asked hopefully.

"Isn't it always?"

She smiled wider, holding his stare for a while, before both looked away. Blushes rising on their cheeks.

"So… What'll it be?" He asked casually.

"Two burgers with fries, two slices of apple pie and um…"

"Two coffee's, by any chance?" He smirked.

"Yes." She chuckled. "But that wasn't what I was going to say."

"Sorry. Please excuse my presumptuousness."

"Can I get ice cream on the pie?" She asked, raising an eyebrow playfully.

"Yes."

"Free ice cream?" She laughed softly.

"Is there any other kind?" He teased, pretending to be unamused.

"Well then, yes. You're excused." She smiled. "Now dance, Burger Boy, dance!"

Luke shook his head and walked into the kitchen. Lorelai looked around the diner, her eyes eventually coming to the stairs. Her smile started to fade as a sigh escaped her lips.

She looked down at the counter, reluctantly accepting something she couldn't change.

Jess was back.

* * * * *


Jess looked down at his book, trying to find the last sentence he'd read. It ended in 'die'. Which was what he wanted to do at that very moment.

He looked up. He didn't want to, but he couldn't not look. He instantly regretted his actions. His eyes practically stung after only a few seconds. Never in his life had he understood the need for couples to be touchy feely in public.

That wasn't true.

The fact was, he'd been touchy feely in public with his old girlfriends. More touchy than feely, really. And not in the cute 'I wanna hold you hand' way, either.

No… it wasn't couples. It was a couple. Just one.

So was it really too much to ask that they either stay far, far away from one another, or far, far away from him?

"My mom wants you to come to dinner tomorrow night." Dean smiled, holding Rory's hand across the table.

"How come?" She frowned.

"Because, you're going away from over a month. My mom wants you to have a home-cooked meal before you leave."

"Aww. That's so sweet." Rory grinned. "I like you mom."

"She likes you too." He chuckled. "So… can you come?"

"Uh…" Rory's smile faded. "I don't know. I'll have to check and make sure my mom hasn't planned anything. She's determined to make the most of every last minute we have together before I go."

"But… she can spare you for one evening, can't she?" He asked hopefully.

"Probably. But I still have to check first. We've never spent that long apart before. We suffering pre-separation anxiety. There's been hives and nausea. It hasn't been pretty." She laughed softly.

Dean sighed and looked down at the table, his fingers loosening around hers. She squeezed them reassuringly.

"Hey… I said it'd probably be ok."

"Yeah. Probably." He said quietly. "Your mom isn't the only one that's gonna miss you, you know? I'm really going to miss you!"

"I know." She said gently.

"Do you?" He looked up at her. He had a wounded look in his eyes that made her want to look away. "I know you and your mom are best friends and all. And I totally understand that you want to spend as much time together as possible before you go. But I'm your boyfriend. I feel like I barely see you anymore, Rory."

"I'm sorry. I know I've been busy… with Sookie's wedding and then the election and… now this." She sighed. "But things will be better when I get back. We can spend the rest of the summer together. I promise."

"Ok." He conceded.

Rory smiled and squeezed his hand again, hoping to obtain a smile from Dean in return.

"I just had so much planned for this summer." He sighed, a hint of disappointment still in his voice. "I thought we could maybe drive to Boston for the day. And I heard about this music festival coming to Hartford, it sounded pretty cool."

"Yeah." Rory sighed looking at their intertwined hands. "I'm sorry I have to miss it."

Dean looked up at her thoughtfully.

"Then don't."

"What?" She laughed uncertainly.

"Don't go. Stay here." He smiled.

"I can't."

"Why not… I thought you said it wasn't compulsory." He sighed.

"It's not, really. But I still have to go. If I don't go, Paris will never let me forget how under qualified I am. And… I don't know… I sort of want to go. I want to learn all the stuff they're going to teach us. And it'll look really great on my application to Harvard…"

Dean rolled his eyes and groaned slightly.

"What?" She asked, trying to keep any hostility out of her tone.

"Harvard." He said bitterly. "It's always Chilton, or Paris, or Harvard. Or your mother, or your grandparents, or Lane. It's never me, or us." He said dejectedly.

"Dean… that's not true. Right now is us. I'm sitting here with you. My mom isn't here. Lane isn't here… We don't have to talk about Chilton or Harvard…"

"Yes we do. We always do."

"They're a big part of my life. You know that! You know how hard I worked to get into Chilton, and how hard I need to work to stay there and to get to Harvard." She sighed.

"I know. But… it's hard sometimes. You seem so wrapped up in all this stuff that sometimes it feels like you don't have time for me."

"You know that's not true. I have time for you. I make time for you!" She protested.

Dean didn't respond. Rory actually felt physical pain just looking at the hurt on his face. She wanted to fix it, desperately. But she didn't know how.

"I'm not hungry." He mumbled as he pushed his plate to the center of the table and stood up. "I'll call you later…"

"Dean…"

"It's ok." He sighed. "It's fine… I just feel like being by myself right now."

Rory watched in helplessness as Dean walked out of the diner. She cursed herself under her breath as she slouched in her seat, wondering why she always made him feel like he didn't matter. Why he couldn't see that he did.

"Are you done?"

She looked up at him, wondering what he meant.

"No we're not 'done'!" She snapped. "We're no where near done. It was just a misunderstanding, that's all. We're not 'done'!"

Jess nodded slowly and then gestured to the plates on the table.

"How about these? Are you done with these?" He asked mockingly.

Rory looked at the plates, realizing what he'd been asking. Her cheeks felt like they were burning and she couldn't make her mouth sound out an answer.
She could feel him standing there. Waiting. Watching her as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

It was too much. She stood up abruptly and hurried out of the diner.