Title: This Feeling That Remains.

Summary: In the aftermath of the car accident, the Gilmore Girls try to pick up the pieces and move on.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. This story idea is my own, although it does contain some scenes from the actual show in places. (mainly at the beginning)

Authors Note: This fic starts during the episode Teach Me Tonight, right after Lorelai leaves Rory at the hospital to go and find Jess. It's a Java/Lit fic.

This chapter contains excerpts from The Subterraneans by Jack Kerouac and The Catcher In The Rye by J. D. Salinger.

As always, thanks to Tye, ILoveJess, blackrose, Jayde and Katie. You guys are great! Thanks also to Luke Rules, Leigh, Alece and lilacmoon for their support.

*~*~*~*

"It's not healthy!" Luke insisted, leaning on the counter and attempting to stare Lorelai into submission.

"Who wants healthy? Not me! No… you know what? Lets live dangerously! Please! Let's be bad!" She pleaded. "It'll be liberating. Come on, Luke! Lets do it."

"Sick." Came the disgusted mutter from behind them.

Lorelai and Luke both looked at Jess as he walked past them, carrying plates full of food to a table in the corner.

"Fine. You do it… I… I can't watch." Luke sighed as he headed into the kitchen.

Lorelai grinned keenly as she took the coffee pot he'd left on the counter and filled up her cup. Her 5th cup of coffee that evening.
When her phone started ringing, she was torn between finishing pouring her drink and answering it.

After a moment of looking back and forth between the coffee pot and her purse, she reluctantly set it down and answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey."

"Rory! Hey!" She smiled widely.

Jess glanced over quickly, trying to split his attention between what Lorelai was saying and the order a customer was giving him.

"I'm soooo not sleepy." Rory sighed.

"Well… don't sleep then. It's only 8:30."

"But everyone else is asleep. Paris is snoring!"

"So poke her. Wake her up and make her talk to you until you're sleepy." Lorelai suggested.

"I can't."

"Sure you can. Just walk over and flick her on the forehead until she wakes up."

"Mom!" Rory chuckled.

"I don't know what to tell you babe. Have you got anything lavender with you?"

"No, should I have?" Rory frowned.

"No. Um… Hot cocoa?"

"I don't know where I'd get it from."

"Huh. You're really not helping." Lorelai mused.

"Neither are you." Rory sighed, picking absently at her bed sheets. "I guess I'll just lay here and count political sheep."

"Ok. If you're still awake in an hour, flick Paris."

"No."

"I bet you anything it's soothing." Lorelai persisted.

"Night, mom." Rory laughed softly.

"G'night babe." Lorelai smiled into phone.

Luke stepped out of the kitchen and glared at her playfully before pointing to the 'No Cell Phones' sign on the wall behind the counter.

"It was Rory!" Lorelai said defensively as she returned her phone to her purse. "She couldn't sleep, she needed her mommy!"

"God help the two of you when it comes time for you to live apart permanently." He smirked.

"Never gonna happen." Lorelai replied, sipping her coffee.

Jess continued to wander around the diner for the next few minutes, filling up coffee cups and clearing away plates. Eventually he approached Luke and put on his best 'Uncle Luke, I'm so tired' face.

"Can I call it a night?" He asked.

Luke looked around the diner and nodded slowly.

"Ok." He agreed. "But if you're going to be listening to music, keep it down."

With a mocking salute, Jess headed upstairs. He paced back and forth in front of his bed for a while, looking at the phone number on the napkin. By the time he sat on his bed to actually dial it, he almost knew it by heart.

It rang. And rang. And…

"Hello?"

He smiled slightly, and it took him a second to remember that he was supposed to respond.

"Hey."

Rory slowly sat up in bed. She was grateful that she had the phone to hold so that her shaking hand wasn't as noticeable.

"Hi…" She replied uncertainly. "Wha… Um… How did you get this number?" She frowned.

"Friend of a friend." He replied casually. "It's all over the internet. You should really do something about that."

"I will." She chuckled.

"So… I heard you were having trouble sleeping?"

"True." She sighed, resting back down, letting her body sink into the pillows.

He cleared his throat and she listened, waiting for him to continue.

"Once I was young and had so much more orientation and could talk with nervous intelligence about everything and with clarity and without as much literary preambling as this; in other words this is the story of an unself-confident man…"

Rory chuckled lightly.

"What?"

"Nothing. Just… nothing."

"No, what?" He smiled.

"Haven't you got anything a little lighter than Kerouac?" She asked.

"Are you… complaining?" He teased.

"No, no. Not complaining… because that would be…"

"Ungrateful? Rude? Offensive?" He offered.

"Exactly. So, not complaining. Merely… suggesting?"

"Suggesting?" He asked casually.

"Yes. Suggesting something a little more… familiar… reassuring?"

Jess sighed.

"Women." He muttered and she laughed to herself as she listened to him get off of his bed and search for a different book.

"I'm sorry." She said sincerely as he picked the phone back up.

"Good. I can't believe you turned down Leo and Mardou."

"It's appalling, really. I'll make a note to punish myself in the morning." She assured him.

She smiled when she heard him laugh softly on the other end of the line.

"So, are you ready?" He asked.

Rory snuggled down further in the bed, resting the phone between her ear and the pillow.

"Ready." She confirmed.

"Ok. If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but…"

"Jess?"

"If you ask me to read you something Walt Disney would like I'll hang up."

"No…" She giggled. "I just… wanted to say thank you."

There was a pause. A brief one, but it seemed to go on for several minutes rather than seconds.

"No problem." He replied genuinely.

"And… about everything…I know I've been acting like…" She sighed.

"Rory?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm trying to read a story here. So… maybe we can leave that for another night?"

"Another night?" She asked, almost hopefully.

"If you expect me to read you the whole thing in one go… you're cracked." He smirked.

Rory didn't respond, but Jess could almost hear her smiling.

"…but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth."

* * * * *


Lesson One: Flirting - playful behavior intended to arouse interest.


Lorelai stepped into the diner and looked around, trying to seem as casual as possible.

It had been a month since Rory left, and in Rory's absence Lorelai found herself lonely. Not a desperate lonely, but a lonely that seemed to help clear the fog around her thoughts. Helped her to see more clearly.
And ever since the fog had cleared, she had been sharing more longing glances, coy smiles and playful moments with a certain local diner owner.

"Let me guess, herbal tea?"

Lorelai smiled at the sound of his voice.

"Oh, how well you know me." She sighed as she planted herself at the counter.

Most evenings it was becoming normal to see Lorelai arrive, take a seat at the counter and stay in it until closing. And though he grumbled and made comments about her being in the way and taking up valuable counter space, Luke loved having her there so frequently.

He placed the cup of coffee in front of her and she smiled gratefully.

"You're looking awfully dashing today. Is that a new baseball cap?" Lorelai teased.

"That joke just never gets old." Luke retorted.

"I know, and it works so well with um… 'Hey, I just know I've seen that flannel shirt somewhere before'." She laughed softly.

"Well… what are these things?" He asked, reaching out and touching her earrings.

"Um…" Lorelai swallowed hard. "They're earrings, my fashion impaired friend." She replied as lightly as possible.

Luke retracted his hand and they both seemed to tense up as his fingertips accidentally grazed her neck for a second.

"Gaudy." He blurted out quickly to cover for his actions.

"Stylish." She smirked as she quelled the blush desperately trying to paint her cheeks a bright shade of pink.

"If you say so."

"Cosmo says so, actually." She informed him with a triumphant nod.

"Oh, well, if Cosmo says so then it must be gospel!" He mocked and she pouted playfully.

He smiled, watching her for as long as it was safe to without it being noticeable.

"How'd the conference at the Inn go?" He asked idly as he wiped the counter around her.

"Fine. Michel only offended half of the guests this time, so at least it went better than the egg painters convention last week."

"Freaks." Luke muttered.

"I think our maids would agree with you there." She chuckled. "There was egg all over the function room carpet. It took hours to clean off."

"Freaks." He repeated with a small smirk.

"Someone's in a good mood today." She teased.

"I know. And with a nephew like mine, you'd think every day would be full of joy and sunshine." He sighed.

"Uh oh. What did he do today?" She smiled sympathetically.

"You mean aside from almost setting fire to Caesar's arm, nearly serving Kirk's breakfast to him via his head and mopping the floor so poorly that the 'slippery when wet' sign should have been replaced with flood warnings?"

"I guess so."

Luke rolled his eyes and shook his head as he continued to clean up menus and plates from the counter.

"I got the phone bill today. Guess who has made almost $300 worth of long distance calls lately." Luke said in fake surprise.

"You're kidding!" Said Lorelai, her mouth hanging open.

"I wish." Luke pulled the phone bill out of his pocket and threw it on the counter. "I don't even recognize the number! It's not his mom…. It's not his friends in New York, cos it's not a New York number. I would call it and see who it is, but I am pretty much scared to find out." He sighed.

Lorelai narrowed her eyes at the number that had been called almost every day for the past month.

"Huh."

"Huh? Huh, what?" Luke asked. "You know the number?"

"What?" Lorelai looked up at him and forced a smile.

"The number. Do you know it?" He asked.

"Oh… no. No." She smiled.

Luke shrugged and took the phone bill back. Lorelai stared into her coffee. Someone was going to be answering a lot of questions in the morning.

* * * * *


Lesson Two: Evasion - The act of eluding or avoiding, particularly the pressure of an argument, accusation, charge, or interrogation.


Rory rolled over in bed and opened her eyes slowly. The sun that usually poured through the window opposite her bed, was absent today. Replaced by large gray storm clouds and the promise of heavy rainfall.

But a smile still spread across her lips. Every morning as she stretched and allowed her body and mind to wake up, the silliest grin was plastered on her face. It bugged Paris to no end, but Rory couldn't help it.

The phone started to ring and she frowned, picking up her watch from beside her bed to check the time. She'd over slept. But it was a Saturday, so she had no one (except Paris) to answer to for it.

She picked it up and drowsily yawned a 'hello?' into the receiver.

"Hey Shelby."

She smiled at her mother's voice.

"Hey M'lynn." She chuckled.

"You sound sleepy. Don't tell me you're only just getting up?"

"So!" She replied defensively. "I'm willing to bet my life savings that you're not even dressed yet."

"True. But at least I'm not laying around in bed." Lorelai teased.

"I'm getting up. I promise. I was just up late last night." She yawned again.

"Oh… doing anything interesting?" Lorelai asked as casually as she could, taking a seat at the kitchen table.

"Not really." Rory answered just as casually. "Reading. Talking to Paris."

"Sounds boring."

"It's fine. I like reading. And Paris isn't so bad when she loosens up a little." Rory shrugged.

"So… did either of you get any interesting phone calls?"

"Should we have?" Rory laughed softly.

"No… just…. Dean was saying that he was having trouble getting through. That sometimes when he calls, the line is busy."

"Oh… well…" Rory bit her lip. "I don't know. I talk to you a lot."

"Yeah, but mostly in the mornings. Dean has been trying to call you at night. Don't tell me Paris has been making booty calls?"

"No." Rory chuckled. "Not that I'm aware of. I don't know… sometimes we make calls to other girls in the dorm."

"You mean… you pick up the phone instead walking a few doors down the hall?" Lorelai asked skeptically.

"We're lazy like that." Rory smiled.

There was a long awkward pause, which wasn't something either of them was used to.

"So… nothing you want to tell me about?" Lorelai sighed.

"Nope. Nothing new since yesterday." Rory chuckled nervously.

"Ok. Well… what are you reading?" Lorelai asked, trying to hide the despondency in her tone.

"Oh… 'The Sun Also Rises'." Rory smiled fondly, twirling some hair around her finger.

"Isn't that Hemingway?" Lorelai frowned.

"Yep."

"I thought you hated his stuff. I swear you once used the word mind-numbing when talking about his books."

"I know. But…" She shrugged, that unstoppable smile making a repeat appearance. "I gave it a second chance and it's not as bad as I thought."

* * * * *


Lesson Three: Denial - A refusal to admit the truth of a statement, charge, imputation, etc.


Paris shut the door with her usual finesse. The slam as brief and loud as possible, signifying that she was in a good mood. She'd even used her foot to close it. Which also pointed to her being cheerful.

She was drying her hair with a towel, her bathrobe pulled tight around her, the cord tied in a precise knot at her waist.
Paris was the embodiment of organization. Detail. Clarity. She knew what she wanted and she knew how to get it. And she never let anything get in her way.

Even with her back to Rory she knew she was being watched.

"What?" She asked, her tone snappish but not as harsh as usual.

"Nothing." Rory shook her head and went back to reading the book that was resting in her lap.

Paris sat on her bed and narrowed her eyes at Rory as she continued to towel dry her long hair.

"You're not reading. I can tell. You're pretending to read. You should rule out a career in acting."

"Thanks." Rory chuckled, closing her book and throwing it lightly onto the bed beside her.

"So why are you staring at me and then lying about it."

"It's nothing."

"Nothing?" Paris asked suspiciously.

"That's what I said." Rory sighed.

"I may have no life of my own, but I'm not blind, you know?" She stated matter-of-factly.

"Meaning?"

"Meaning… your mother calls every other morning. That Lane girl calls at least once a week and Prince Charming calls every few days."

"Are you keeping some kind of record?" Rory smirked.

"And almost every night, at about 9:30pm, you get a call from some mystery person. And judging by the size of the stupid grin you wear throughout the entire call it's either a guy… or it's a girl and you're a lesbian."

"I'm not a lesbian."

"So it's a guy." Paris let a small, proud smile curl the corners of her lips. "I knew it."

"It's… just a friend."

Paris rolled her eyes and started to brush the knots out of her damp hair and Rory stared at her hands for a few minutes.

"You remember Jess?" Rory asked hesitantly.

"Vaguely." Paris answered plainly, waiting to see if Rory was actually going to make a point or just withdraw back into her shell.

"He's the one that's been calling." Rory admitted.

"So? You guys are just friends, right?"

"Yeah." Rory nodded and sighed. "Never mind."

"Just say it! You've fallen for James Dean and you can't choose between him and Malibu Ken."

Rory just looked at Paris. She didn't want to admit it, because she hadn't said it out loud to anyone. And whenever her mind suggested it, she'd argued with herself until she was sufficiently sure that she knew what she wanted. Dean.

"Well? That's what this is about, isn't it?" Paris pressed.

"I… I haven't fallen for him. I just… have these feelings." Rory sighed.

"What kind of feelings?" Paris frowned.

"I don't know." And that was the truth. "I just… feel something and… I'm pretty sure I shouldn't feel the way I do because if I were supposed to feel that way then I wouldn't feel guilty."

Paris narrowed her eyes at Rory for a moment.

"What?"

Rory sighed and lay back on her bed.

"Forget it."

"Do you want my advice of not?"

"Depends what your advice is."

"Well… Do you feel the same way about Dean as you do about Jess?" Paris asked, walking over to Rory's bed and pushing her legs aside so she could sit down.

"No. I love Dean." Rory insisted.

"Wow."

"Wow, what?" Rory sat up slightly and frowned at Paris.

"Nothing. Just… as far as declarations of love go… that one sounded pretty over rehearsed."

"That's… because I love Dean. I do… and I always tell him I do, and I tell anyone who wants to know. So… I'm used to saying it. I love Dean. See… it's easy. I feel it and I can say it without a problem!"

"Ok… calm down!" Paris rolled her eyes.

"I do love him."

"Fine. You love him. But are you in love with him?"

Rory stared at Paris for a minute thoughtfully. For some reason she couldn't figure out the answer.

"Yes." She said, a little more uncertainly then she meant to.

"Don't tell me… you can't tell if you're in love with him, because all you've ever thought about is how much you love him?"

"What? That makes no sense!" Rory stated, she could already feel the familiar confusion setting in. "I love Dean!"

"Yes. I believe we established that about ten outbursts ago!"

"Well… what else is there?"

"I don't know. That butterflies in the stomach, tingles… shivers… sparks, rubbish."

"I've felt that with Dean." Rory nodded.

"Really? All of it."

"I think so. Maybe not the… sparks bit. Or the shivers. But the… flippy floppy belly thing and the tingly feeling."

"Felt or feel?"

"What?" Rory frowned.

"Felt as in once upon a time, or feel as in right this second."

"He's not here right this second!" Rory exclaimed in confusion.

"I know that! But what if he were? Work with me here, Gilmore!" Paris sighed in exasperation.

"I don't know… Uh…" She stopped.

Sitting with her eyes closed and her brow creased into a frown, Rory tried to imagine that Dean was there, and Paris was far, far away.

Dean was standing in front of her, smiling. Rory smiled. He sat beside her and took her hand in his. Rory's smile faded a little. He moved forwards to kiss her.

Her stomach was still. Her skin wasn't tingling where it touched his. The shiver that was supposed to shoot up and down her spine seemed to run into complications after only a fraction of its journey.

"Felt." Rory sighed, her shoulders sagging slightly. "Felt… as in once upon a time."

She felt tears stinging her eyes and she blinked to force them to stay back.

"Well… what about Jess?" Paris asked a little more gently.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore." Rory said shakily as she picked up Egbert and hugged him close to her. "I love Dean. I love him and I'm in love with him. The butterflies and tingles are … they don't mean anything. I'm not in love with Jess and I don't love him. There's nothing to talk about."

Paris sighed and shook her head as she got up and crossed back over to her side of the room.

Rory closed her eyes tightly.

Dean.

Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean!

* * * * *


The clock was ticking. Too loud. Rory closed her eyes and inhaled deeply as she paced around the room, trying to push the deafening sound out of her head.

9:29pm.

Paris looked up from her book and watched as Rory started on her 20th lap of the room. She shook her head in bewilderment. At 9:30pm every other night, Rory seemed to gain some kind of inner peace. Something that put her mind to rest, and left her more relaxed then if she'd just taken a two hour bubble bath.

Then the phone rang…

Rory froze and stared at it.

… It rang…

Rory bit her lip, her right foot shifting forwards slightly and then pulling back.

… and it rang…

She closed her eyes tightly. Her lips moved very slightly as she murmured faint pleas for it to stop.

… and it rang…

Paris's eyes darted back and forth between the phone and her roommate. This was the first night in a month that Rory hadn't picked the phone up eagerly.

The ringing stopped. And so did Rory's murmuring and pacing. She walked over to her bed and lay down.

Paris rolled her eyes and went back to her book.

It was official. Rory had completely lost it.