Title:
This Feeling That Remains.
Summary: In
the aftermath of the car accident, the Gilmore Girls try to pick up the pieces
and move on.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the
characters of Gilmore Girls. This
story idea is my own, although it does contain some scenes from the actual show
in places. (mainly at the beginning)
Authors Note: This fic starts during the episode Teach Me Tonight, right after Lorelai leaves Rory at the hospital to go and find Jess. It's a Java/Lit fic.
This chapter contains lyrics from 'The Sound of Silence' by Simon and Garfunkel.
FINALLY! ff.net lets me upload this chapter. Woohoo!
Thanks to Tye, ILoveJess, Jayde, blackrose, Arianna, megan, lilacmoon, JCtigerwolf4e, Leigh and sleepless-dreams for your reviews and encouragement.
Hope this is something in the realm of good. ;)
*~*~*~*
Rory stepped down off of the bus and sighed as she looked
around at the crowds of people.
"Hartford. Oh joy." Paris stated sarcastically, grabbing her bags from the
trunk of the bus without waiting for them to be unloaded.
"Home sweet home. Almost." Rory nodded.
"Don't give me that. Hartford is just a temporary stop-over on my way out of
this state."
"Eighteen years, temporary." Rory smiled.
"Compared to how long I plan to spend away from it, yes. Your mom's meeting
you?" Paris asked, glancing around for any signs of Lorelai.
"Yep. Yours?"
"Very funny. No. My nanny will be here any minute, I assume. I'm sure my
mother was at home and unoccupied. But when it comes to her only child, that
doesn't mean she's available."
"Parents. Can't live with them… Can't seem to get rid of them." Rory
said lightly in an attempt to cheer Paris up.
Paris smiled slightly and Rory smiled more.
"So… I guess I'll see you at school in a few weeks." Paris sighed.
"Sure. Or… maybe…"
"Maybe what?" Paris asked in a tone that made it seem like she was
suspicious of Rory.
"Maybe, if you're not busy… but you probably are… but if you happened to
not be, one day, maybe…"
"Get to the point, Gilmore." Paris demanded.
"If you don't mind slumming it… you could always come over and eat too
much junk food again. I promise it's not a ruse to freeze your bra, too."
Paris's smiled slightly and almost blushed as she shrugged.
"I could. Maybe." She agreed softly. "Maybe you can invite Jess over and I
can teach him a thing or two about quality literature…" Paris stopped when
she realized what she's said. "Sorry."
"No need." Rory forced a smile and shrugged the comment off.
As they both became aware that Paris's name was being called, they turned to
see where the voice was coming from.
"That's my ride." Paris sighed.
"Okay. Well… I guess I'll call you maybe? Or… you can call me. If you
want to."
"Maybe." Paris nodded and smiled again.
There was a brief pause, during which neither of them could think of a suitable
way to end their six week stay together.
Paris extended her hand in a professional manner.
"Gilmore, it was a pleasure." She announced courteously, but obviously
sincerely.
"Indubitably, Geller." Rory grinned as she shook Paris's hand once
strongly, reminiscent of some kind of pact.
They shared another smile followed by a small, almost sad wave, before parting
ways.
Rory watched Paris leave for a moment before turning and making her way into the
main building.
"Hey Gilmore!"
"Mom!" Rory cried out gleefully as the two made a mad dash for one another,
hugging tightly and collapsing to the ground in a fit of excited giggles.
"Oh, you got taller!" Lorelai sighed broodingly as she stroked Rory's hair
gently out of her face before pulling her into another tight hug.
"I didn't. But thanks. You got prettier!" Rory giggled, enjoying the
embrace.
"That's what comes from having the bathroom to myself for hours each day."
Lorelai chuckled. "But I prefer being ugly and having my baby home!"
"I missed you!"
"No, I missed you!" Lorelai asserted. "Don't ever leave me again!"
"I won't. Never ever!" Rory promised, breathing in her mother's familiar
scent once more before pulling out of the hug.
"That's my emotionally stunted girl!" Lorelai declared proudly.
* * * * *
As the Jeep passed the Stars Hollow sign Rory smiled. She was home.
Everything looked just the way it had when she left it. But everything looked
different. The Gazebo was exactly the same, but more beautiful in some way. Miss
Patty's was alive with activity, something common. But more welcoming than
usual. And Luke's diner loomed up ahead, bright with lights that were never
too harsh. Always welcoming. But now… she felt dread in the pit of her
stomach.
"So, coffee?" Lorelai smiled broadly, turning into a parking space outside
Luke's.
"No." Rory replied quickly before Lorelai had even had chance to switch the
engine off.
"No?" Lorelai frowned. "No… to… to coffee? No?"
"Yes. Yes, no to coffee." Rory insisted.
"Because…?"
"Because I…" Rory looked at the confusion and disappointment on
Lorelai's face, and then up at the diner.
Jess was there. She could see him through the window. He was actually smiling a
little, which was something she wasn't used to seeing him do while working.
He whipped Luke with a dishtowel as he walked past him, and Luke spun around,
pointing a warning finger at him, causing him to put on his 'innocent' face
and hold his hands up in defense.
Lorelai followed her gaze and managed to repress the sigh building inside her.
"Because I… just want to go home." Rory sighed, looking at her hands in
her lap.
"Ok…" Lorelai switched off the engine. "We'll get them to-go. It'll
only take a second."
"No."
"Rory…"
"Mom. Please? Can we just go home?"
Lorelai took in the almost desperate expression on her daughters face and nodded
slowly.
"Ok. Lets go home." She agreed finally, turning the key in the ignition and
bringing the Jeep back to life.
The remainder of the brief drive home was silent. Rory sat, with her arms
wrapped around herself in a protective and comforting way.
Lorelai glanced at her every so often and, each time, she frowned a little more.
Once the Jeep was in it's usual place in the Gilmore yard, Lorelai shut off
the engine and the silence quickly became unbearable. Rory made a move to open
her door and get out, when Lorelai made a confession that stopped her in her
tracks.
"I know." Lorelai blurted out. "I know about the phone calls."
Rory froze and hesitantly turned to look at her mother.
"What phone calls?" She asked.
"You, Jess… nightly since you left." Lorelai continued in frustration.
There was a pause while Rory tried to figure out what to say. Eventually she
pushed open her door and got out.
"It's not what you think." She protested, shutting her door. Lorelai
quickly followed.
"You don't want to know what I think."
"I don't want to, but I do." Rory snapped, turning to face Lorelai as they
reached the porch. "You think Jess and I are together. Or that we're
plotting to be together now I'm home. That I'm cheating on Dean."
"Well?" Lorelai held her hands up in a questioning gesture. "What else
would he need to call you that often for?"
"We're friends."
"Yeah? Well, I'm your mom, and your best friend, and I didn't call
you as often as he did!"
"I didn't ask him to call. And it's not my fault he called me more than
you!" Rory retorted.
"Please God, don't tell me you think he cares about you more than I do?!"
Lorelai almost shouted.
"Of course not!"
"Then what? Why was he calling you so much?"
"Because… Because…"
"Because… Because, what?"
"Don't shout at me!" Rory pleaded, confusion and raised voices causing her
head to pound.
Lorelai took and deep breath and let it out slowly.
"Ok. I'm sorry…" She said gently. "I just am scared. You lied to me.
And Dean."
"I didn't mean to." Rory said quietly. "I'm sorry I did. I just… I
knew that neither of you would understand."
"What is there to understand?"
"That I wanted to talk to Jess. That he's my friend…"
"Just a friend?" Lorelai asked skeptically.
"Yes. Just a friend."
"And you're sure you only want him as a friend?"
"Yes!" Rory answered a little too quickly.
Rory looked at the ground, kicking at the dirt with the toe of her shoe. Lorelai
watched her for a while, arms folded firmly across her chest.
"I don't like him." She admitted.
"I know." Rory sighed.
"I don't trust him."
"I know."
"Dean doesn't either."
"I know." Rory muttered, finally looking up at her mother. "But I do.
Doesn't that count for something?"
"Of course it does babe… but… you have to try and see where we're coming
from on this. Ok?"
"I have tried. And I know he's done some… not so nice things. But you
don't know him like I do…"
"Maybe you don't know him…"
"I do." Rory declared confidently.
"Maybe you only think you do. I'm not saying he's… lying to you…"
"Yes you are."
"No. Rory, you have to trust me on this one. I love you. And I want what is
best for you. And so does Dean."
Rory rolled her eyes and turned her face away from Lorelai.
"He's a thief and a liar and a not so nice guy from what I've seen. And he
seems to delight in coming between you and Dean. A guy you were crazy about
until Jess came along…"
"I still am!" Rory cut in. "I love Dean. But that doesn't mean I can't
be friends with other guys, does it?"
"Of course it doesn't. But… the right kind of guys…"
"And who gets to define that? Dean? Miss Patty? Taylor? Do I have to ask
permission at the town meeting before I'm seen conversing with another guy in
the street? Just so I can be sure he's 'the right kind of guy' for me to
be friends with?"
"Me! I get to decide!" Lorelai snapped.
"Why? Why not me? Why can't I choose? I love you. I love Dean. I love Lane
and this town… doesn't that show that I am a good judge of character? That I
keep good company and that I'm capable of deciding for myself who is worth my
time, and who isn't?!"
"Yes. It does show… all of that. But Jess is different…"
"Why does that have to be bad? Why are you all so threatened by him?" Rory
asked out of sheer bewilderment, tears springing to her eyes.
"It doesn't have to be bad. He makes it bad!" Lorelai exclaimed in
exasperation. "He treats people badly… and he actively tries to cause
trouble. And he has no respect for me or Luke or anyone in this town…"
"He respects me!"
"Rory, did it ever occur to you that there's a reason?"
"Yes! Because I'm the only person in this damn town that treats him like an
equal, instead of an escaped convict!"
"No. Because he can see that you're sweet and you're kind and you are an
easy target to take advantage of."
"Oh my god…" Rory groaned in disgust.
"Rory, you have always trusted my judgment before… I am right about
Jess…" Lorelai pleaded. "I know he seems charming and… intriguing and he
shares interests with you that maybe no one else in your life really does. But
that doesn't make him deserving of your trust!"
"I know. What makes him deserving is that he has never purposefully hurt me.
And he does these things that none of you would expect him to do… he brings me
care packages when you're out of town, and he puts notes in the margins of
books for me, and he reads to me when I can't sleep…"
"He what?" Lorelai frowned.
"And he sees me. Every one in Stars Hollow looks at me and sees this…
precious little angel. This untouchable, unattainable, slice of perfection. And
Jess sees an actual person!"
"And I don't?"
"Of course you do. But sometimes you can be just like the rest of them. You
all expect me to keep up this flawless act. Have the perfect grades and the
perfect boyfriend and always be polite and smile nicely… and… I'm sick of
it. What about what I want?!"
"Your happiness and what you want matters more to me than almost anything!"
"Almost?" Rory frowned.
"The only thing that matters more is your safety. That comes first. It always
has and always will. And I don't think you're safe with him."
Rory shook her head defiantly, trying to block out Lorelia's words. Before she
knew what she was doing, she felt her feet moving and she realized she was
walking away.
"Rory!"
"I need to be alone right now." She called back over her shoulder.
Lorelai stared dejectedly at Rory's back as it disappeared into the darkness
behind the Jeep.
* * * * *
She stared at him through the diner door.
She wasn't sure how long she'd been walking around town. An hour. Maybe two.
It was getting late, probably past 10pm. The diner was closed.
The town was dark, except for it's signature twinkle lights. And quiet except
for the sound of cars passing through the streets.
She'd seen familiar faces milling around the diner and the town square, and
she'd made certain they hadn't seen her. She didn't want to deal with the
welcome home party just yet. She didn't want to deal with anything.
She'd sat in the Gazebo for a while, gazing out at the town, gazing down at
her shoes. Gazing at anything in particular, just trying to slow the thoughts
that had been racing through her mind.
She loved this town. This quiet little hamlet. She couldn't imagine a better
place to grow up. Sure, it was sheltered and full of people who were probably
certifiably insane. But everyone looked out for everyone else. Everyone cared
Sometimes they cared too much.
But she knew that was why they made it so difficult. Why they couldn't accept
Jess. It was because they cared about her. Even though he hadn't pulled a
prank or stolen anything in months, he was still shunned. And he didn't seem
to care. He seemed to hate this town as much as she loved it.
She was their little princess. The thought almost made her sick. To them she was
this intelligent, beautiful, kind hearted, pure little girl. And they wanted her
to stay that way. Because what if she was just like Jess? Then something would
be missing. Things would change. And change in Stars Hollow wasn't often
welcomed.
She realized she was still staring at him. It was dark in there. But not quiet.
He was standing behind the counter writing something on a sheet of paper. Every
few seconds he'd look at a second piece of paper on the counter beside him and
then write something else down. She assumed he was trying to figure out some
kind of sum or maybe filling out an order form for Luke.
She tilted her head to the side slightly, listening to the soft, muffled music
coming from inside the unlit building.
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dare
Disturb the sound of silence.
A smile slowly crept onto her lips and she made a move to knock on the door. She
wasn't sure if he noticed the movement out of the corner of his eye or he just
knew she was there somehow. But he looked up, and their eyes locked.
She swallowed hard as something hit her emotionally, something that almost
knocked her over physically. She realized it was the look in his eyes. He looked
hurt.
After a while of just staring at each other, he started to make his way over to
the door. He seemed almost scared, but she wasn't sure how Jess could ever be
scared. The only time she'd ever seen him scared was after the accident. But
this was different.
He hated himself. He'd tried to hate her, but as he looked at her through the
glass of the diner door, he realized that he didn't at all. And it made him
hate himself more for not being capable of it.
Ever since she'd stopped taking his calls he'd been telling himself it
didn't matter. She didn't matter. And he was over it, and over her. She
wasn't worth it and he didn't know why he had ever thought she was.
And now, there she was. And there was only one thing standing in the way of him
letting her back in. Literally.
He was stood right by the door now, as close to it as she was. And they hadn't
dropped their shared stare since they'd latched onto one another visually
moments before. Only it seemed like longer.
Jess broke the stare and slowly, agonizingly slowly, unbolted the door. Then
wrapped his fingers around the handle and looked down at it.
He wanted to walk away. He was sick of being out of control. He'd always been
in control.
Rory looked down at his hand and watched as he turned the handle and pulled the
door open.
Then he walked away.
She stepped inside the diner and closed the door behind her. Jess had gone back
to writing whatever it was he was writing and she had gone back to staring at
him.
"You know…" His voice broke through the music, but he didn't look up.
"You've done such a good job of avoiding me that I should probably mention
how much this little exchange goes against all your hard work."
"It does."
"So feel free to leave in the manner in which you entered. I won't tell
anyone, and I have complete faith that you can probably convince yourself that
this…" He gestured between the two of them with his pen. "Never
happened."
Rory didn't answer. She knew she deserved that, and that he had every right to
be mad at her. And she had no right to deny him that.
"Thanks for the offer." She said quietly. "But I'm here now."
"Yep." He responded absently.
"Jess?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you look at me?" She asked hesitantly, taking a few steps towards the
counter.
Jess stopped writing, but kept his eyes down, his gaze focused on the counter
top.
Could he look at her? Good question. And according to the lack of cooperation
his neck was offering, the answer was no.
"I'm busy." He replied coldly.
"Can you take a break…? I need to tell you something."
"Luke wants me to get this done before I go to bed and…" He very obviously
faked a yawn. "I'm almost dead on my feet here. Maybe tomorrow?"
Without thinking, he looked up at her. And they resumed staring. Rory's lips
formed a nervous, apologetic half-smile and Jess looked away.
"You… um…" He tapped his pen on the counter. "You're back early,
aren't you?"
"Yeah. Paris… ate a shrimp."
"Oh." He nodded as if he needed no further explanation. "Well, then I
guess we should be thanking every higher power that we didn't have an
apocalypse on our hands."
"Fruit baskets have been dispatched." Rory chuckled softly.
This conversation was entirely too friendly for Jess's liking. He'd promised
himself that he wasn't going to do this.
Rory frowned as he turned and walked into the kitchen. She heard running water
and after a minute, Jess reemerged with a glass of water. He took a long sip and
then set it down on the counter, turning it around in circles slowly, so he had
something to focus his attention on.
"I'm sorry I didn't answer your calls."
There was no response from Jess, but he did stop moving the glass.
"I didn't mean to… hurt you." She continued gently.
"Who's hurt?" He responded casually.
"I just… I got scared."
"Scared? It wasn't like I was reading you anything that'd keep you up at
night." He retorted.
"No… I know. I meant…" She sighed and started wringing her hands
anxiously. "I was getting confused. My mom and Paris were asking questions
about…" She wanted to say 'us'. But there wasn't one. "You and I
talking every night."
"Your mom knows?" He frowned.
"Yeah. I'm not sure how… but she knows."
"Oh."
"Anyway… I didn't want to give them the wrong impression. I… didn't
want to give you the wrong impression."
"And what impression would that be?" He asked.
"That… that we're more than friends." She said quietly, looking
everywhere except at him.
"Just reading buddies, right?"
"Yeah." She nodded.
"Ok. 'Cos… when you ignored me, I was under the impression that we
weren't even that."
"I'm sorry."
Jess shrugged dismissively.
"So… we're ok? I mean… we're still friends?" She asked hopefully.
"Oh, best of." He mumbled sarcastically.
"Jess…"
"Fine, we're friends. Happy? Can I get back to work now? Or is there
anything else you feel the dire need to unload onto me?"
That silenced her. And, as much as he cursed himself for caring, he felt bad for
it. He threw his pen down gently and stepped out from behind the counter slowly.
"Look, I'm just tired."
"Ok." She replied meekly.
"We're fine. Ok? Friends." He offered half-heartedly.
Rory nodded, but kept her eyes to the ground. He sighed.
"I don't know what you want me to say, here. I… I just said we could be
friends, I'm not sure what more you expect me to…"
"I don't expect… anything." She said quickly, looking him in the eyes.
"Honestly."
"Ok."
"I just… I wish I could be someone else." She sighed.
"Who?" He smiled slightly.
"Anyone with a spine would be good." She returned the smile and his grew.
"It's ok. You're fickle. It's nothing to be ashamed of." He smirked.
"I am not fickle!" She protested, her smile fading. "I'm not."
"Ok. You're not." He replied quietly.
"If I…" She took a deep breath. "If I led you on… I'm sorry. I
didn't want to."
Jess nodded and she looked away, assuming that was his only response.
"Then why did you?" He asked bluntly.
"What?"
"If you didn't want to, then why did you?" He frowned.
"I… I didn't mean to. That's what I meant. It was all just a bunch of
mistakes and misunderstandings."
"I'm flattered." He rolled his eyes.
"I didn't mean that!"
"Well maybe you should go and figure out what the hell you do mean, and then
you can come back and tell me!" He shouted a little hasher than he meant to.
Rory opened her mouth to respond but couldn't make any sound come out. So she
closed it and looked away.
"Sorry." He sighed, running his hand through his hair.
"No… you're right." She said, the quiver in her voice indicating that
she was close to tears. "I just keep… doing this. I keep confusing us both!
And not on purpose, I just… when I'm with you…"
"What?"
"When I'm with you…" She looked at him and somehow managed to keep
herself from crying.
He hesitated for a second and then took a step forward. His fingers brushed
across her cheeks and slid effortlessly into her hair as he pressed his lips
against hers.
He'd promised himself he wasn't going to do that either. That if they kissed
again it was going to be her doing, and not his.
As their lips met, a soft sigh escaped her. It was barely audible, but it was
there. And it was produced by her inability to silence how much she'd wanted,
thought and dreamt of moments just like it. She kissed him back. In a way that,
even if she wanted to, she couldn't deny.
"Jess…"
He pulled her closer. He knew she was trying to end it and he knew she'd
succeed. But he wasn't ready to just give up and let go.
"Jess..." She pulled back. They looked at each other and Jess sighed, his
arms falling to his sides in defeat. "I'm…"
"Sorry." He nodded. "You can do that thing where you run away and deny it
ever happened."
"I'm not running away."
Jess frowned slightly and studied her face, trying to read her expression and
her mind. It was impossible.
"Can we please be friends?" She asked.
"That's all you want?" He asked sadly.
"I don't know." She admitted. "But… I can't…" She looked around
her, out of the window. He followed her stare.
"You can't upset the balance?"
She shook her head.
"And plus… I lo…"
"I know." He sighed. He didn't need to hear her declare her love for Dean.
"So…?"
"So…" He shrugged and held out his hand. "Friends."
She smiled gratefully. Sadly. Her hand slipped slowly into his, and his fingers
closed around hers.
Friends.
