Ok, this chapter's for the jon fans who want them together… its sort of a compromise, tho, cause I really don't like jon and I don't want them to stay together!!!!! GROSS J sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Alanna shrank back against the wall, pulling herself out of view of the practice courts. She had been planning to use the afternoon to observe the senior pages practicing their swordsmanship—and possibly give them a few pointers of her own—but she suddenly found herself confronted with yet another problem she wanted to ignore: Liam Irornarm, the Shang Dragon. From her position against the wall, eyes closed in a futile attempt to block out the problems pressing down upon her, Alanna could hear Liam's shouts as he drilled the boys, accompanied by clangs of steel too swift to be coming from the same sword were it in the hand of one of the pages.

            Sighing and blinking back tears of frustration, tears that always seemed threatening to break through, Alanna stomped to the stables, wishing with all her heart that she was in the practice yards doing something useful. But she couldn't handle Liam right now—he had been another of her three lovers, but they had broken things off after his fear of her Gift became too great to allow them the intimacy they had previously shared. All the same, though, she had caught him eyeing her wistfully out of the corner of his eye quite often, and she knew he had secretly been against her marrying Jonathan.

            At least he'll be gone soon, Alanna reminded herself. People of Shang never stay in the same place for long.

            But at the same time she knew that she didn't want him to leave. I won't be making any new friends as queen, she thought bitterly. I'll never be allowed to see anyone but old friends—maybe—and courtiers—for sure. I'll need to keep all the old friends I can.

            Suddenly it was too much—Thom, Roger, Liam, George—for she still remembered his kiss, and even worse, remembered the joy coursing through her at the familiar touch of his lips on hers. Something inside of her seemed to break, and she didn't know what was happening until, blinded by tears and deafened by her own racking sobs, she collided with something—someone?—and found herself curled up on the floor, gasping and crying uncontrollably.

            "Alanna? Alanna!" It took her a moment to realize that the gentle voice, sharpened by worry, belonged to Myles, her adoptive father. Through a haze of tears she looked up at him blankly, unable to focus her thoughts. "Myles?" she whispered detachedly.

            He nodded gravely, a frown forming on his round face. Quickly he helped her up, holding her as they walked out of the stable, her legs too shaky to support her on their own.

            "Alanna, what's the matter?" Myles asked after a moment, looking closely at her.

            Alanna just shook her head, her mind too much of a jumble to put together the words she needed to explain.

            Myles shook his head. "Here, let's go to my rooms. You'll be all right." Yet the obvious concern in his voice gave away his true feelings of alarm at seeing the normally strong and composed (except when she was in a temper) Lioness dissolved in tears and helpless against them.

            A few minutes later Alanna was comfortably situated in Myles's rooms, a cool, damp cloth over her forehead and glass of fruit juice beside her. When her hiccupping subsided, Myles stared at her intently, as if trying to understand what was going on behind her impenetrable violet eyes.

            "Now, talk," he commanded, although kindly. "What's the matter? I must say, it worries me to see you like this… it's not like you."

            Alanna smiled weakly, now feeling a bit foolish—had anyone seen her? Yet at the same time she couldn't help but feeling that her outbreak had been justified. Who could deal with her life? Certainly not her!

            She paused for a moment, unsure of where of to begin, but then took a deep breath and plunged in, pouring out all her worries and feelings—everything except the kiss she had shared with George Cooper.

            When she was finished she lay back and closed her eyes, feeling strangely devoid of all emotion for one blissful moment—but then Myles spoke and everything came flooding back, hitting her so hard she felt an almost physical pain.

            "Alanna—I'm sorry. I just don't know what else to say… except that I'm sorry." He looked at her kindly, concern seeping out of his very expression. "I wish you had been better prepared for this marriage—if only the King…" he trailed off, composing himself as pain flashed briefly across his face before continuing, "… if only you'd had more time to think it over, consider everything that would happen to you." He paused again, longer this time, and when she looked at him his face betrayed an inner conflict, as if he was debating whether or not he should say his next words; the latter choice won.

            "Frankly," he said quickly, his voice flat, "I don't believe you made the right choice."

            Alanna sat up abruptly, staring at Myles, aghast, as tears once again filled her eyes. He immediately looked sorry, but she shook her head before he could speak again.

            "Don't say anything else!" she cried, pain in her voice. "I know it was the wrong choice! That's what I've been telling you… only in not those words!"

            Before she could start to cry again she jumped up and ran for the door, stopping when she felt a hand on her shoulder, surprisingly strong for the short knight behind her.

            "Wait, Alanna! I didn't mean that—I know it wasn't your fault that you were rushed into this, and I know that you love Jon—you just don't love the life that comes with him! That's all I meant!"

            Alanna nodded quickly, saying tersely, "I'm sorry Myles, I've just had a hard day. I'm not mad at you, and you're right—but I need to be alone right now, all right?"

            He looked like he wanted to say something else, but then nodded and opened the door for her, not saying anything as she left.

            Once around a corner, Alanna leaned against a wall and blinked back another fit of tears. Yes, she had loved Jon—but the question had returned, did she still love him? She must—she had married him! She was his queen! Yes, of course she still loved Jon… suddenly George's handsome, laughing face flashed across her mind. No! she screamed silently, balling her fists and biting her tongue to keep her from speaking aloud. I don't love George—I can't love George! I'm married to Jonathan!

            As if to enforce her point, Jonathan rounded the corner, and Alanna felt sick.

            "Alanna! What's the matter?" Jon took in her tear-stained face and red-rimmed eyes, rushing over to encase her in a warm hug before pulling back and looking over her, worry flashing across his handsome features. "What's the matter?" he repeated.

            "I—I just—I'm worried about Thom," she lied quickly—at least it was partially true. "I went to see him yesterday, and he's… not doing so well."

            Jon hugged her again, holding her tightly as he led her down the hallway and up the stairs to their rooms. "It's all right, Alanna. Thom will be fine," he reassured her, making his voice strong enough to half-convince her for a moment before she noticed the uncertainty in his eyes. "I promise that I'll do everything in my power to make him fine—no price is too much to pay for the queen's brother."

            Alanna just nodded, having nothing to say. He squeezed her shoulders comfortingly, and after a moment she said quietly, "Thanks, Jon."

            "I love you, Alanna," was his soft reply.

            When she didn't reply, he repeated, "I love you, Alanna." Still she was silent. "Look at me."

            Unwillingly she did, violet eyes locking onto sapphire ones. "I said I love you, Alanna," he was whispering now, as he leaned over to kiss her.

            For a moment she wanted to pull away, for they had never made up after their half-fight a few days earlier, but she was just so tired—she didn't think she was up to yet another struggle, yet another problem, right now. Surrendering, she kissed him back, warmth surging through her and making her limp. Jonathan laughed, saying roughly as they broke apart, "I take that as agreement."

            Alanna smiled, remembering now why she loved Jon, her other worries dissolving as she tilted her face for another kiss. Laughing again in his deep voice, Jon complied, lifting her up and carrying her into their room as they reached it, kicking the door shut behind them.

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well, hope you liked this much…. And if anyone has any ideas they will be very welcome cause I really have no idea what's gonna happen next!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! R/R PLEASE!!!!!!!!!