Somewhere In Between
Part 5
Authors: CCC and Robbie ( wooksrus@yahoo.com )
Spoilers: Up to and including the Season 8 finale "Lockdown."
Archive: Please ask first! Contact us as wooksrus@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: Carter & Abby are the property of the big shots at NBC, Warner Brothers, Amblin Productions etc … However Dylan is my own creation.
Author's notes: We're back. Stay tuned for more in the near future … now that summer is finally here, be prepared to expect the unexpected …
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I grab my purse from the counter, sling a light jacket over my shoulder and lunge for the door to quall the incessant banging of my caller.
"Abby? You alive in there?" feminine voice calls, its owner sounding tentatively worried mixed with a hint of annoyance.
"Sorry," I mutter, opening the door and temporarily jamming the piece of toast clutched in my hand into my open mouth. Susan walks into my messy apartment confidently and laughingly reaches out to take something from my filled hands.
"Thanks." I remove the toast from my mouth as she looks on with a smile. "Sorry about that … alarm didn't go off and I overslept," I quickly explain.
She waves her arm carelessly. "Don't worry about it. You ready to go, or do you need a couple minutes?"
I shrug, chewing away at the morsel of food still in my mouth and swallow. "No. I'm ready … let's go."
"Great!" She smiles brightly and we walk to the door. I reach a hand up to my mouth and try to discreetly brush away any crumbs from my breakfast. As I lock the front the door, Susan's face turns thoughtful.
"Did you call him?" She wonders aloud, turning to look me straight in the eye.
I'm not in the mood for an interrogation right now. We're here to go shopping as two friends. No men allowed. No talk of men allowed. So I revert to the tried and tried again method of feigning innocence. "Who?"
She rolls her eyes and ignores me. "I tried calling you again last night after we hung up but the line was busy."
I pull the key from the door as we turn to walk down the hall. "I was ordering a pizza. Cheese with pepperoni and pineapple."
"That's gross, Abby!" She exclaims, her face still merry.
I nod. "I had a craving for something a little out of the ordinary." She looks at me quizzically.
"Pepperoni and pineapple? That's not out of the ordinary, that's just wrong … it goes against all the conventional rules of pizza etiquette."
"Pizza etiquette?" I raise my eyebrows at her. "Besides, it was good. It hit the spot."
She laughs. "And here I was thinking you were having a heart to heart with Carter … and you were gorging yourself with some lame excuse for a pizza."
I shrug. "I don't know, Susan, the delivery boy was kind of cute. Maybe it was a good idea Carter and I haven't quite worked things out yet."
Susan punches me playfully in the shoulder. "You did *not* just say that, he's way out of your league."
I shrug again. "Maybe."
And the silence again creeps into the conversation. Damn the man I love. No matter what I do, he's always with me; in my thoughts, in my mind, in my dreams, in my heart. He has that awesome power – like I'm the puppet to his master.
I sigh and see Susan perk up next to me as we reach the bottom of the large flight of stairs. "Where to?" Susan asks.
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Lugging a series of stuffed shopping bags, Susan and I slowly make our way up the stairs. We reach the door, and I fiddle about in my purse for the key. Susan watches me with animated amusement as I become frustrated with the lack of key sitting in my palm.
"Here it is!" I hold it up in triumph for us both to see. She smiles at me and I quickly unlock the door. "Come on in for awhile."
Susan steps over the threshold and sets down the bags in my front foyer. "I really should be going Abby, but thanks."
I look at her sincerely. "No thank you, Susan. I really appreciate today … it was a lot of fun." She nods. "Are you sure you won't stay for a little while, it's the least I can do, and besides, I'm starving!" Susan starts to shake her head, but I quickly intercept. "Come on, we'll order take-out. It's on me."
"As long as you promise *I* get to pick the food." I shoot her a grin.
"Deal."
Susan walks over to the couch in the nook of my living room and sits down. She reaches into one of the many shopping bags and pulls out a fleecy yellow sleeper with a blue rabbit embroidered into the upper right breast. A wistful smile crosses her face.
"Susie used to have a little outfit just like this, you know … she was such a sweet baby; had the clearest blue eyes, the brightest little smile."
Susan sighs, still lost in her memory. I can see the unresolved anger and hurt pent up in her regretful expression. And like a ton of bricks hitting me in the head, it suddenly dawns on me that she's lonely. I've been so caught up in my own problems; I haven't realized how hard this preparation for another baby is for her. She would make an amazing mother, but has no man share a baby with. She's lost so much – her sister, her niece, Mark, Carter … and I haven't been there for her at all. I wonder why she even bothers to be my friend, I'm no catch …
"Abby?" I look up guiltily. She's caught me again in the midst of my thoughts, staring off silently into space.
"Yeah?"
She shakes her head. "You still hungry?"
"Yeah. Chinese?" I offer.
Susan nods. "I know this great little place right near my apartment … we could go there if you want."
I plop down heavily on the couch beside her, kicking off my shoes and lifting my feet to rest them on the coffee table. "They deliver?"
"We could ask."
"Good," I murmur, closing my eyes and tilting my head back.
"I'm going to the bathroom. We can order something when I get back, okay?" Susan stands up and walks away, her soft footsteps growing fainter with each passing second.
My eyes still shut with fatigue I hear a faint knocking sound but quickly dismiss it as Susan making noise while in the bathroom. I hear her footsteps again and then the sound of the door opening a crack.
"Hey Carter," her voice rises in surprise. I sigh and lean my head back slightly further, bringing a hand to my forehead and rubbing my eyes. My hand continues backwards to smooth my frizzled hairline and I rise from the couch to try and make myself presentable.
I can't help but smile as he walks into the room, dressed suavely in a polo shirt and a pair of dark khakis. From behind his back, he pulls a bouquet of dried flowers and holds them towards me.
I bite my lip and wait for him to come closer. Susan steps back into the shadows, eagerly watching for the exchange between us.
Carter steps forward, and I raise my eyebrows at him. "John?"
"I brought you some dried flowers."
"So I can see."
"How are you?"
"I'm okay."
He nods. Why the hell are things suddenly so tense between us? I feel like there's a cape tossed across my body that won't let anything escape my mouth that won't make me sound like a frigid bitch. I'm so angry with him, but at the same time I want him to take me in his arms and love me like I love him. I force my face to soften and reach out my hand for his.
Carter cracks a smile and eagerly accepts my peace offering. As our outstretched hands meet, it's all I can do not to fall into his arms. "I'm glad you came," I whisper so softly, I'm not sure if the words have really passed through my lips.
But the glint that shimmers in his deep brown eyes is enough proof that I have. Susan tilts her head to the side and steps into the light and my view point. "Do you want to stay for some Chinese, John? Abby was just telling me how hungry she is."
"Have the cravings started yet?" He wonders aloud. For a moment, I see something flicker across his face. I tilt my head to the side and gaze into his eyes.
"Oh have they!" Susan exclaims loudly, breaking the terse moment. "She was feeding pepperoni and pineapple pizza to your child last night."
Carter's grip on my hand tightens ever so slightly and he chuckles lightly. "That's just … wrong, Abby." He shakes his head in mock disgust.
"That's what I said," Susan adds.
"So Chinese, huh?"
"Yeah," I reply, still in daze. Maybe I'm dreaming this. It's some sort of fantasy being twisted into an evil nightmare. I want nothing more than to open my eyes and find that this whole situation has flown out the window like a slip of dejected paper in the wind.
But it's not. This is here, this is now, and this is reality. I snap out of my reverie as Susan discreetly glances at her watch.
"Carter, it's really great to see you and all, but I have a shift in … well, I'd better be going." And like that, she's gone. Together, suspended in silence, John and I watch as she disappears beyond the door.
I exhale slowly, as if taking a drag on an invisible cigarette. Carter stands, inches away nervously shuffling his feet and I hear a barely audible sigh escape his mouth. Like puppets, we look up at each other at the same time. Our faces break into tense smiles at the irony.
"You're beginning to show," he murmurs softly. I nod mutely.
"Won't be long now before I can't hide this anymore."
Carter looks away and reaches up to massage the back of his neck dramatically. "Who – When -" He stares me straight in the eye. "What are you going to tell them?"
"Tell who?"
He looks uncomfortable, hot and cold, stiff but like jelly. I can't help but feel a rush of sympathy flood my emotions. "People. Our colleagues at work, your family … whoever."
"I'll tell them I'm having a baby."
"Yeah." He pauses. "They're going to want to know more than that … they'll want to know who the father is."
"John …"
"No." He looks up adamantly, his voice suddenly loud and stern. "You can't keep ignoring this, skirting the subject every time I bring it up and hiding behind your own self-pity." He takes a deep breath. This time, his voice is softer, and I can suddenly read the conflict and pain he's feeling over all of this. "Are you sure there's no chance this baby can be mine?"
I throw up my arms in expiration, desperately trying to conceal the tears and anguish that's churning up from my stomach. "I told you, I got drunk, I slept with a stranger and now I'm pregnant," I hiss. "If you don't want to have anything to do with this baby, then leave … now."
He takes a step backwards and puts his face in his hands. "Stop fighting this, Abby. I want to be here for you. I want you to let me be here for you – to help you raise this baby properly. I want you to let me love you."
Those damn hormones. I burst into tears, something I never do in front of anyone, and fall to the floor in a crumpled heap. In an instant, he's at my side, stroking my hair back from my face, kissing my forehead, whispering sweet nothings into my ear and holding me, like he'll never let go. And I don't think he will.
"Shhh … it'll be okay."
Minutes later, we're rocking back and forth. The steady beat of his heart, thumping against my back soothes me like nothing else can. He breathes steadily; each breath flits gently against my ear and parts a few stray strands of air. Every couple of seconds, I draw a shaky breath, trying to cleanse myself emotionally. Periodically, he strokes my hair as we rock, back and forth, back and forth, hypnotically.
I'm furious with myself for breaking down like this in front of him. If anything, I need to show him I'm strong and capable, not the damsel in distress waiting for her brave knight in shining armor to come and rescue her.
"I'm sorry," I whisper.
"Shhh …" He continues to stroke my hair and I concentrate on taking breaths. I'm so prone to these violent displays of emotion, like a lightning bolt in a clear dark sky; bursts of pent up energy that are so unlike everything else in my personality. But they can't be good for my baby, who needs to be my number one concern. Take a chill pill, Abby, I remind myself silently.
His arm snakes around my waist and I clutch it, bringing his clenched fist to my lips and running his smooth knuckles across my parched lips. He watches me with a sense of awed captivation, like he doesn't know what to expect next. And frankly, I don't know what to expect either.
"Still hungry?" He asks softly, barely any sound behind his voice.
I shake my head, sensing another talk coming upon us. But he's silent, waiting for me to make the first move.
"I can't do it."
"Do what?"
"Any of this. You and me. Raising a baby. Being a mother."
"You can and you will, Abby."
I sniffle. "What if the baby is bipolar? How can I do that again?"
I feel his muscles constrict and he draws a heaving sigh. "You'll just have to love the baby because it's yours."
I nod in recognition. Everything he's saying is true, and none of it is anything that I haven't heard before. But somehow, hearing it come from his mouth makes it feel almost blessed and I believe it.
"There's something else, isn't there?" He prods gently.
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"I need to know that you're going to accept this baby for what it is."
"Your child is my child."
I shake my head and shift in his arms so that I'm facing him. "Before we get into anything serious, I need to know that you're never going to question this baby as your own, whether or not that's the truth."
"Maybe it is …" he suggests quietly.
"No! John, that's the point. I can't put any of us through DNA testing, I'm not willing to cope with the ramifications. I need to know that you're not going to let this scare you away or pull us further apart."
"I won't. Believe me, Abby. Give this a chance."
Susan's heartfelt words filter through my mind. "Sometimes in life you need to take a chance. You'll get hurt, that's a given, but you can't spend your days protecting yourself from getting hurt. Because by protecting yourself, you're only hurting yourself even more by not letting things happen as they should. Don't take to the sidelines, Abby … don't lose him like I lost Mark."
"Okay."
"Okay?" I suppose that's the closest I'll ever come to seeing someone's jaw drop to the floor like in the cartoons. His face is painted with shock and disbelief that breaks into a timid smile.
"So where does this leave us?" I ask at the same time as he wonder's aloud, "Are you still mad at me?"
We laugh. I need this stability in my life right now. I keep running around in circles, dancing around happiness and steadiness, denying myself a meaningful chance at a great life. And for what? So I don't get hurt again? Susan is right, her words ring true. I'm going out on a limb, but things are going to be okay, they have to be. John doesn't want to hurt me.
"I guess we should start things off properly. I'll traditionally woe you until you finally let me take you on our first date and we'll let things run their natural course from there," John teases, his eyes beginning to sparkle devilishly.
"Okay."
"Is that all you say anymore?" He wraps his arms around my shoulders and leans in to plant a quick peck on my nose. A coy smile spreads and I'm flooded with his happiness. I beg myself not to screw things up royally; this is what I want, what I've always wanted.
"I'm hungry now." I suddenly decide, proclaiming it as a decree for him to hear.
"Oh are you?" He raises his eyebrows at me.
"Yeah." I smile at him and his smile widens. What they say about smiles being contagious, it's true.
"What do you feel like?"
"Indian. I need a good spicy kick."
He rises from the floor and offers me a hand. With his help, I heave myself up and run a hand along my front to smooth the wrinkles. Nodding at me first for approval, he takes a hand and rests it atop my very slightly rounded belly. "Our baby."
"Yeah." I murmur, overcome by his simple gesture.
He nods to himself, eyes focusing on the floor. "Should we go?"
I nod and smile at him, "Let's."
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