Vanfanfic Mailing List: Memoirs of The Insane
Chapter Two.
Stop trying to hit me and hit me: The second chapter. What the hell. I aim to please. Again, if you've just read this piece and suddenly it hit you that 'Hey, I'm one of these freaks!', you are obliged to review, and send a topic for us to discuss here. It can be anything. HELP. I can only think up so much. If I run out of ideas, well - I'd probably start quoting bible passages, and we'd all be in some shit.

OMG OMG shadowD totally r0x0rs!!!!1....not: Again, Vandread belongs to Gonzo. Authors' likenesses, personalities, monikers and such belong to them and to them only. Pokemon references are used solely for entertainment value - and belongs to the guy who thought ALL of them up. Any others that I have not mentioned belong to their respective owners. And please, if you're angered by any remark I or my colleagues here make, please sink your head into a bucket of cold ice water before posting flames like 'YOu SUUUCCKK' or 'GO 2 HEL ND DIE U SICK MOTHERFUKER!!!!111'. This is a fanfic - an humor category fic at that. People today need more cheering up than ever - what with the Iraq/US situation. Besides, if insults and beration were the only point of this fic, I should have just written a blatant, abhorrent MST instead...

Before I forget: Pak The Sound Of The Silent Sniper, you sorry little insect. Your days are NUMBERED.

Scene Two: The Vanfanfic Corporation Main Lobby. If the outside of the building looked extravagant and to others, downright stupid rich, it is here where the astronomical amount of money used to build this architectural and luxurious wonder is not only slapped into your face, but rubbed into it as well. With red wall-to-wall shag carpeting, rare cels of Vandread and Samurai X framed into the walls (with the occasional Hentai Doujinshi frame), and thousands of cute otetsudais at your beck and call - most people consider just stepping into this lobby the ultimate zenith in their lives. It is, as they call it, the 'rabbi who shtupped the nun in the ziggurat's basement.' Or...something like that. I wasn't listening.

Anyway, in this illustrious lobby we see five authors, namely Eagle(whose serial number totally escapes me even if it's made up of four numerals, don't ask), shadowD, Rift, Enishi and Ktx(each complete with standard issue Vanfanfic Membership Pin and accessories, sold seperately) making their way to the main elevator, arguing as they go along - in heated debate, we can only comprehend what these mentally-unstable individuals are fighting about...one word, however, is predominant, uttered repeatedly to maximum effect - and to disastrious results.

Eagle:*wailing* COOKIE!

shadowD:*tearing fistfuls of hair out of his head* For the hundredth time - I'm all out! Look! *turns out pockets, and pokeballs fall out* SEE?!

Eagle:*Chibi version, almost screaming, clinging to Ktx* C-O-O-O-O-KIE!

Ktx:*sweatdropping* A-ano....

Enishi:*flipping open one of her butterfly knives* May I?

Rift:*dialling a number on cellphone* If you're planning to throw that, I suggest you aim at shadowD's left back pocket..

Enishi: Why?

Rift: You'll see. *puts cellphone to ear* Moshi moshi....is this collect?

Enishi:*shrugs, then throws the knife at shadowD's pants, ripping his back pockets open - and from them falls multiple packs of cookies*

shadowD: What the...

Eagle:*seeing the cookies* USO TSUKI! *lunging at shadowD, fan in hand* COOKIE!

shadowD:*screaming* EEEEYAARRGGHH!!! *WHAP* *CRACK* *SMASH*

Ktx:*covering eyes, whimpering* The humanity. Oh, the dreadful humanity.

Enishi:*smirking* Fifteen-hit hyper combo finish. *claps*

Rift:*talking on cellphone* Zuri-san, I know, but I'm....hai, hai. I'll send Hibiki right away. I know, but that doesn't mean...oh, do what you want. Just don't corrupt her TOO much, ne? Ne? Moshi moshi? Zuri-*turns cellphone off* Great. Thank you, Rift, for giving me back the love of my life. Thank you, Rift, for giving me back my sex slave. *mutters darkly* If that girl can't learn to say even a few words of appreciation I'll...

Enishi:*laughing* Sex slave? What, you're a pimp now?

Rift:*shoving cellphone back into bag* Hardly. Just a little detective service I provide now and then. This girl, Zuri, wanted me to find Hibiki, her *fingers miming quotation marks* 'best friend'. Took me three weeks. Now, Zuri's too busy re-acquainting herself to her 'best friend' that she can't even pay the measly fee. *breathes* Bitch. Oh, here we are. *presses 'call elevator' on the wall near the Elevator entrance*

Enishi:*eyes widening* Yuri? As in?

Rift:*nodding* Yup.

Enishi:*shrugging* Well, at least it's not Yaoi. *shudders* I can't believe some of us are really into THAT stuff. I mean, sure, the guys look sexy, but Yaoi is...is...

Rift: Watching two effeminate bishounen get into a room, grunt a lot and walk funny. In a word, wrong.

Enishi: That sums it up, I guess. *sees eagle coming towards them* Oops, time to shut up.

5Rift: Gotcha.

Eagle:*carrying an armful of cookies and chomping one* Nani? I heard something about a sex slave?

Rift:*sweatdropping* Me and my big mouth. Uh, it's nothing, really. Right, Enishi?

Enishi: Huh? But I thought you said...*Rift glares at her* Oh. Right. Yup. Nothing.

shadowD:*being carried by Ktx, bruised and beaten* Actually, I think I heard you say that -

Rift:*tapping attache case* We need a new Pokemon representative, and we need to jettison the old one into outer space, full of bullet holes? Hmm? Is that WHAT I said?

shadowD:*sweatdropping* Uh...nevermind.

Rift: Thought so.

Eagle:*turning sour* I knew it. You guys are talking around me again! Mou - I thought we discussed this at length already! You don't have to censor everything you say, I'm old enough!

Rift:*raising eyebrow* Well, you're not getting corrupted by me, that's for sure. God knows I left that job to someone else.

Eagle:*shaking Rift* C'mon, tell!

Rift:*re-adjusting glasses while being shaken* Kindly bother someone else. I really don't like the attention - *glasses falls off* Oh, for heaven's sake. *picks glasses up*

Eagle:*turns to Enishi, and starts to shake her* E-NI-SHI-SAN...!!!

Enishi:*lighting up a cigarette* No dice. Gomen. *puffs* You know I'd hate you to get as corrupt as I am.

Eagle:*shaking Enishi harder* But I don't mind - hell, I've been corrupted just by staying with you guys!

Enishi:*lightly pushing Enishi off* Maybe some other time. *grins* When you're older.

Eagle:*turns to Ktx* KTX! You're MY PRE-READER! TELL ME...

Ktx:*shakes head* No, sorry. I can't. *whispering to Rift* Dammit, Rift -

Rift:*astounded* Now WHAT did I do?

Ktx:*seething* You know very well WHAT you did! She'll never let me hear the end of it now! God - I was looking forward to dying at least with at least ONE good night's sleep!

Rift:*blinking* Sou desu yo? *opens up attache case*

shadowD:*flinching* ACK!

Rift:*cross* What? *takes out PDA from the case*

shadowD:*sighing* Oh. Good. *aside* I thought Rift was going to take out those damn guns again.

Rift: But I wasn't going to.

shadowD:*aghast* What? You heard me?

Rift: Hai. Didn't you hear him, guys?

Ktx: Sure did.

Enishi: Yup.

Eagle: Same here.

shadowD: But that was an aside! You guys shouldn't be able to hear an aside!

Eagle: But we did.

shadowD:*sulking* Well, shit.

Rift: Idiot. *scribbling on the PDA* Well, that takes care of Ktx-san. Now all that's left is...*mumbles some authors' monikers, barely discernible*

Enishi:*looking over Rift's shoulder* Dammit, Rift, would it kill you to leave at least one of us emotionally unscarred?

Rift:*closing PDA shut* Why do you think I've been keeping my hands AWAY from Eagle-kun's mind?

Enishi:*blinking* Oh. Now that you mention it...

Rift:*nodding* Sou, sou.

shadowD: Another one bites the dust.

Rift:*pressing the 'Call Elevator button several times* This elevator is SURELY taking its time getting from the second floor to the ground floor.

Enishi:*absently tapping ash onto shadowD's head* Oh, it'll be here. Maybe it got stuck.

shadowD: HEY!

Enishi: Oops. Gomen. *pats ash off shadowD's hair*

Rift:*glancing at watch, then looks up as Elevator rings* Here it is. Just in...*elevator doors open, revealing ANOTHER author, Violent_S, with hair mussed and suit more or less untucked and disheveled - along with a secretary in also the same messy state. Lipstick marks almost cover Violent_S's face.*...time?

Minna: o_O;;;;;;;

Secretary:*frantically trying to fix herself* Uh, good morning, everyone - the Conference room is ready for your arrival. Now if you'll excuse me....*pushes past them, and disappears into the lobby*

Violent_S:*lazily tucking his shirt into his pants, shouting after the retreating secretary* Call me, okay? My number's on the phone book....

Minna:*staring blankly at Violent_S*....

Eagle:*pointing* Hentai. Heeentaii.

shadowD:*facepalms* Of all the...

Violent_S:*wiping lipstick off his face* What? Oh. Well, you see, we kind of...

Rift:*raising hand* I don't want to hear it. *gets into elevator* The last thing I need is another mental image of what transpired here. Eagle-kun!

Eagle: Hai hai! *gets beside Rift, happily munching another cookie*

Enishi:*getting in elevator as well, scrunching up her nose* Is nothing sacred, Violent? Really?

Violent_S:*re-adjusting his tie* It *just* happened. Sue me.

Rift:*kicking what seems to be the secretary's underwear out of the elevator* Do you *really* want me to take you up in that offer?

Enishi: Now, now, Rift. You promised to be nice.

Violent_S: Look, she just came on to me. How the hell was I supposed to know?

shadowD: Yeah, right. Suuure you didn't.

Ktx: Uh, I'm afraid to ask, but what floor?

Eagle:*reaching for another cookie* Tenth.

Ktx: Hai. *presses the button labelled '10', and the elevator doors close*

Rift:*muttering*

Violent_S: And what are you doing now?

Rift:*blinking* Eh? Oh, praying. I make it a habit to ask for divine forgiveness when I'm stuck in an enclosed space with any of you. Better be safe than burning in he-

Eagle:*tapping foot* Rift-san...

Rift:*sighing* Hai.

*suddenly, the speaker above begins to play cheesy elevator music - all more or less hum along, except for Rift, who's busily trying to ignore it*

Eagle:*realizing there's no cookies left* Are? Um...Rift-san, do you have any cookies for me? *tugs at sleeve* Rift?

Rift:*fists clenching* Not...now...

shadowD:*pops up* Ah-HA! Now I know your weakness! The key for your defeat is finally mine for the taking! HAHAHAHA!

Violent_S:*getting the living daylights scared out of him* GAH! *jumps away from shadowD* Stay away from me! I'll give you fifty bucks!

shadowD: What?

Enishi:*giggling* I forgot. Rift SO hates elevator music of any kind.

shadowD:*nodding, holding chin* Sou, sou. Some people really can hide their weaknesses. I mean, look. Crying babies shut up when Rift's around. But now....*lightning strikes* I've GOT THE POWER! BWAHAHAHAHA*WHAP* HEY!

Enishi:*grinning* Boom, baby.

Violent_S: Ooh. Ow. That's got to hurt.

Eagle:*tapping fan menacingly on one hand* Oh, it does. But shadowD-san's mind clearly can't make the connection of do something stupid equals getting hurt BAD. *calls out sweetly to the prone shadowD* Ne, shadowD-KUN?

shadowD:*standing up, rubbing head* Hai...

Rift:*looking at the numbers flashing by the elevater HUD* Fourth floor....fifth floor...sixth floor...come on, come on...*wipes sweat off brow*

Enishi:*tugs at Rift's arm* Daijobu?

Rift: Hai. I'll probably make it. So long Asereje doesn't come on.

Eagle:*piping up* But what if it does?

Rift:*shuddering* I go beyond my limit.

Violent_S:*talking to someone on cellphone* Yeah. Yeah. I'll see you later, baby. What? Oh, I don't mind. *looking at Rift* Oh, a coworker having a psychological episode. No biggie. Rift does it all the time.

Rift:*cleaning glasses* I'm calm. There is no reason to worry.

Enishi: Fine, but tell me when, okay?

Rift: Hai.

Enishi: Gambatte.

Violent_S:*edging ever so slightly to eagle, a pack of cookies in his hand* Hey, Cookie girl.

Eagle:*beaming* Nani? *sees the cookies* COOKIES! For me?

Violent_S:*smirking* Yeah.

Eagle: Arigato! *grabs cookies, and begins eating*

Violent_S: So, eagle - look. I've got two tickets to the Gatekeepers 21 show tomorrow night and I'm here to give you the honor of being my...*sees that eagle had completely devoured all the cookies*...date?

Eagle: Date? Umm...gomen. *grins sheepishly* Rift is teaching me how to bake my own cookies. Right, Rift-san?

Rift: Huh? Oh, right. *wipes sweat away from brow with handkerchief* I guess so.

Violent_S: Oh. Well, that's okay. I never liked kids anyway.

Eagle: HEY!

Violent_S:*turns to Enishi* Come on, baby. Light mah fayaaaahhh.

Enishi:*lighting another cigarette* Excuse me?

Violent_S: Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing.

Enishi:*puffing* I'm sorry, but your point, I'm not quite getting.

Violent_S: Okay. You. Me. Gatekeepers 21. Tomorrow night. Whaddaya say?

Enishi: Err...no thanks. I'd rather not. Sorry, but I have some things I have to take care of.

Violent_S: What things?

Enishi: Just...things. *edges slightly away*

Violent_S: Oh.

shadowD:*begins humming 'Shot Down In Flames*

Violent_S: Oh, Eagle-kun? shadowD's making faces at you again.

Eagle:*turns, brandishing fan* KONNO YAROU!!

shadowD: EYAARRGGHH!!! *WHAP* *CRACK* *SMASH*

Enishi:*tightly squeezing Rift's hand* Come on, deep breaths. Relax. Think of...of...um, pancake batter. Yeah. Think.

Eagle:*whispering* Pancake batter?

shadowD:*whispering* Rift loves to cook. Pancakes mostly.

Rift:*breathing deeply, calming down* Yeah. Stirring, stirring -

Elevator Speaker: ASEREJE - JA - REJE -

Enishi: Uh-oh.

Eagle:*scared* Abunai..desu yo....

Rift:....

shadowD: Hold Rift back. Quick.

Rift:*spinning Ebony and Ivory* ASEREJE THIS, FREAK - *raises both guns up to the speaker but is being held back by Violent_S and shadowD* LET GO OF ME! THIS IS EVIL! I -NEED- TO DESTROY -

Violent_S: We've got a lively one here...

Eagle:*shrinking back* Rift-san...

Enishi: Oh dear. Uh...*takes some holy water, dabs some on her right thumb and rubs a cross mark on Rift's forehead* In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit -

Rift:*going berserk* DESTROY! ERADICATE! OBLITERATE -

shadowD:*grabs ampoule of holy water* Here, let me. *splashes Rift with holy water, most of it entering Rift's mouth* CHRIST'S NAME COMPELS YOU! JESUS' NAME COMPELS YOU -

Rift: GACK! *chokes, then spits out holy water* YUCK! shadowD, what the hell are you doing?

shadowD: Um, you know, like in The Exorcist, where these priest guys begin spraying this girl possessed by a demon with holy water and -

Rift: Never mind. *wipes tounge with tissue* God, that tastes awful. Um, Enishi, do you have any candies on you?

Enishi:*tossing Rift some gum* Here. Enjoy.

Rift: Arigato. *pops gum in mouth* Oh, and before I forget...

Elevator Speaker: Asereje - ja -reje....

Rift: Time to die. *raises Ivory without looking up, and fires a shot*

Elevator Speaker: bubupibupididipi-*BLAM* *KRZZT* *CRACKLE*

Violent_S: Nice shot.

*Suddenly, alarms began to ring inside the elevator, making everyone jump in fright*

shadowD: What the -

Elevator Speaker: Warning, warning. Firearm Discharged in Elevator. Emergency System Override.

Enishi:*lighting up a cigarette* NOW look what you've done.

Elevator Speaker: System will reboot shortly. Please wait.

Rift: Great.

Elevator Speaker: We will be playing nonstop selections for your listening pleasure as you do so.

Rift: Hey, WAIT -

Elevator Speaker: Enjoy. *music comes on* Asereje, ja, reje-

Enishi:*panicking* FIRE IN THE HOLE!

Rift:*spinning both handguns again, this time with eyes blazing pure death* SHUT UP AND DIE!!! *BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM*

Tzuzuku....Again.
March 27, 2003 - Uploaded in a seedy Net Cafe-slash-Bar at exactly 5:12 PM.