Vandread Fanfiction Mailing List Ad #3002A.

Scene: Beach Landing Scene at France. Think the first few minutes of Saving Private Ryan. I'm too lazy to spell out everything for you. On second thought....*cough* We find our intrepid heroes (Eagle, Enishi, Rift, shadowD and KTX) wearing combat gear, knee-deep in water and pink paint, surrounded by unfortunate other Vanfanfic authors felled by the enemy's paint bullet barrage. shadowD, despite being only a private, is point.(the others didn't want to get hit)

Felled Vanfanfic author: GOD! This is horrible! PINK! I HATE PINK!

Eagle:(medic) Don't look at it! No, it's going to come off...it's not going to be permanent! It's going to be okay!

Felled Vanfanfic author: Pink! The humanity! I WANT MY MOMMY!

shadowD:*dodging paint bullets* Dammit! These idiots mean business! *fires back*

Rift:*busily firing Ebony and Ivory, loaded with red paint bullets* Eagle, leave them. They're gone.

Eagle: But...we just can't -

Rift: I said they're gone. You know what to do.

Eagle:*sullenly* Yes sir. *gives the felled author a cookie* Here you go. Enjoy.

Felled Vanfanfanfic author: MOMMA! MOMMA - oh. Chocolate chip. *starts to eat it*

KTX:*reloading his sniper rifle* Rift, they're killing us. Our armor's rusting in the beach - *points to a group of Vanguards sinking into the sand* Almost our medical supplies are run out, and half the battalions are covered in pink. Dammit, Rift, we've got no chance.

Rift:*reloading, shrugging*

KTX: What now, sir? *paint bomb explodes a couple of meters from them, and everybody ducks, except Rift* WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO NOW, SIR?!

Rift: You don't have to shout. *holsters Ebony and Ivory, picking up Thompson* Okay. We need to get out of this beach - get to the rally point as soon as you can. Those Paint 88s shouldn't be able to keep up with us if we charge in. Just don't stay in clumps. Eagle! This is no time to make bubbles in the water! EAGLE!

shadowD:*ducking* But where the hell is the rally point?

Rift:*bombs explode near them* ANYWHERE BUT HERE! Enishi! Take Eagle with you - she's your top priority! Do not get our medic killed! I'll see you on that shingle!

Enishi:*putting out cigarette* Gotcha. Come on, cookie girl. *carries Eagle along, running*

Rift: shadowD! POINT! NOW!

shadowD: But this is suicide -

Rift: I SAID NOW!

shadowD:*muttering darkly* Fine, fine...*moves in front of Rift, and with KTX, charge the beach, weaving, dodging paint bullets as they reach the barb-wired fence protecting the pillboxes on the beach front*

Enishi: Took you long enough, Rift.

Rift: I'll say. My human shield runs like a girl. *looks around* Where's Eagle?

Enishi: There. She's trying to patch up DJ - she's almost used up. *shakes head* Poor kid.

Rift: What a loss. *readying Thompson* KTX! shadowD!

KTX: Here, sir!

shadowD: Still alive...

Rift:*snapping fingers* Damn.

Eagle:*wiping paint remover on DJ's pink 'wounds'* No, don't look at it, you'll be fine..DJ!

DJ:*swirly-eyed* Is it my bedtime now?

Eagle: Don't you dare die on me, soldier....

Spike:(head medic) He's gone...*throws away rag*

Eagle: NO! *begins wiping furiously* There! I removed the paint! I removed the - *a thousand more paint bullets begin hitting DJ, thus covering him in pink* DAMMIT! Give us a f*censored*ing chance! Give us a chance, dammit!! YOU SICK *censored*ERS!

Spike:*holding Eagle back* No! Wait, stop, Eagle-kun!

Eagle:*going crazy* GODDAMN COOKIEHATERS! I'LL KILL YOU ALL!

Enishi:*taking another drag from her cigarette* So, what now?

Rift: First we need our medic. Get Eagle up here.

KTX: EAGLE! EAGLE!

shadowD: I'll get her. *runs toward eagle and drags her to the shingle, kicking and screaming*

Enishi: I don't know if Dog One's on the the right or on the left...

Rift: Let's see the map. Ender drew it up himself....let's see....*reads* Party A, consisting of aforementioned members, shall circumnavigate the proposed pathway as referred to in section B paragraph C, Diagram Z28...*throws map away* Well, that didn't work.

KTX: I think Neuville's on the left of us, so this is Dog One. *points to path ahead of him* But we have to destroy that sniper nest up there to get to it.

Rift: Alright..um...somebody get me a mirror, a bayonet and some gum.

shadowD: Sounds kinky. *WHAP* HEY!

Eagle:*brandishing fan* Didn't we establish the relationship of saying something stupid equals pain?

shadowD: Hai...

Rift:*sticking the bubble gum on the bayonet, then sticking the mirror on the bubble gum* There...um...let's see...*sticks out mirror behind the wall shingle* Three snipers, a couple of 88 machine guns....not gonna be pretty. Random Vanfanfic Author Numbers One, two, three, four! Get ready!

RVA1,2,3,4: Um, what are we gonna do?

Rift:*blinking* Hmm...oh, run out there, try to shoot those snipers down. No biggie.

RVA1,2,3,4: Oh.

Rift: On my mark.

shadowD: Just dodge the bullet as it goes past you...

Rift: COVERING FIRE! *all authors open fire at the sniper nest* Go, GO!

RVA1,2,3,4:*runs out, and gets hit by paint bullets* ACK! PINK!

KTX: It's a goddamn firing squad. Goddamn firing squad.

Rift: Dammit. Okay, randam vanfanfic authors number five, six and seven. Get ready!

Enishi: Why don't we just start handing out blindfolds?

Ktx: Yeah, and cigarettes while we're at it.

Rift: All we can do here is die...COVERING FIRE! *BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM* Go! MOVE! MOVE!

RVA5,6,7:*runs out, and gets hit as well* AAAAAAAUUUUGGHHH!! Pink...

Rift:*sighing* Um, Enishi, come over here for a second, will you?

Enishi: What? *comes over*

Rift: See that impact crater over there? If you can get over there...

Enishi: Yeah, yeah, I know. But what if I get hit?

Rift: No you won't. Human shield!

Silence.

Rift: HUMAN SHIELD! *groans* um...wait..shadowD!

shadowD: Yeah?

Rift: Point runner. You. Enishi'll bring up the rear.

shadowD: Okay...

Rift:*turning to Enishi* See? Human shield.

shadowD: HEY!

Enishi:*elbowing Rift* Rift's kidding. Aren't you, Rift?

Rift: Whatever. On my go. COVERING FIRE! *BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM* NOW!

Enishi: Go! GO! *pushing shadowD in front of her*

shadowD: Hey, you don't have to push...*runs in front of Enishi, and they both reach the impact crater safely - Enishi lands gracefully into the crater while shadowD gets to eat dirt*

Enishi: Ooh. Are you all right?

shadowD: Yeah, just fine. *spits out a considerable amount of earth* Gack.

Enishi:*racking the bolt of her rifle, and aiming through the scope* Stay down, okay? Hmm...*aims at an enemy about to fire* Die. *BLAM*

Enemy:*gets his head splattered with red paint* AAAUGH! I'M DEAD! I'M...oh, wait. This is just paint.

Enishi:*muttering* Gotcha. *aims again* DIE! *BLAM* *KECHAK* *BLAM* *KECHAK* *BLAM*

KTX:*seeing all the snipers get a helping of red paint, compliments of Enishi* Charge, Vanfanfic authors! We shall fight on the beaches - we shall fight in the fields - we shall fight in the streets - we shall fight in the hills. WE WILL NEVER SURRENDER!

Rift: Amen. DOG ONE EXIT! *points* RIGHT HERE! *runs forward with the rest of the remaining, non-pink authors, guns a-blazing* DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! *BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM*

*Fifteen minutes and about a billion paint bullets later*

Eagle:*wiping paint remover from her hands* Well, that ended nicely.

Rift:*reloading Ebony and Ivory* Everyone here, then?

KTX: Yeah, here.

Spike: Here.

Enishi: Present.

shadowD: Still alive.

Rift:*aghast* The hell?! How'd you -

shadowD: Oh. Well, it seems that I'm tougher than you think. *sticks out tongue at Rift* HA!

Rift: Well, now you're not. *takes an enemy handgun and shoots him*

shadowD: HEY!

Rift: MEDIC! We've got a bleeder here!

shadowD: But I'm not -

Rift: Tell the medics to go get the paddy wagon. This guy's gone insane. War trauma.

shadowD:*gets dragged off by a couple of big MP's* WAIT! I'M NOT - I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, RIFT! SOMEDAY I WILL!

*Frame Freeze of shadowD trying to attack Rift, mouth foaming*

Voicebacking: Are you lonely? Tired? Sterile? Well, look no further - Vanfanfic Corporation WANTS YOU. Yes, you, slimebag. With our top facilities, fic-writing experts and whatnot, we'll make you into the man you always dreamt to be. Just look at some of our satisfied customers.

*scene changes into a messy room, with a nerdy-looking guy typing furiously into his PC*

Guy: Your fic sucks. Your fic sucks!!!! Go to hell!!! HA! How's that for a review-*door bursts in, and a squad of Vanfanfic authors barge through, armed with Carbines, one of them carrying a flamethrower*

Vanfanfic Squad Leader: FLAME THIS, SICKO! BURN 'IM! NOW! *FOOM*

Guy: What the - *gets torched by the flamethrower* AAAAUUUGGGHHH!!! I'M BURNING! HEEELLLP!!!

*The rest of the squad poses for the camera, smiling as the guy(currently still in flames) begins to writhe on the floor*

Voicebacking: Here at Vanfanfic Inc, we make sure you get the best of everything - and we'll happily dispose of any flamers out there stupid enough to do you.

Vanfanfic Squad Leader: So, you guys want original recipe, or extra crispy?

Vanfanfic Squad:*laugh goodheartedly*

Voicebacking: Vanfanfic Corporation. Get to work, or get shot while doing so.

Scene Three: We find our intrepid group of authors stranded in the elevator - thanks to Rift's discharging of firearms, which set off a system stall. Roll call - Eagle, Enishi, KTX, shadowD, Rift and Violent_S. A potentially hazardous situation, for two are known to be extremely violent at times (Rift and Enishi), one can control Pookeyman - er, Pokemon-type creatures with his mind(shadowD), one has Cookie Infatuation Syndrome (Eagle). The other two...more or less normal.

Not.

However, since I'm a lazy bastard and there's just NO way I'm going to recount what they fought about inside the elevator, we travel ten minutes forward in time to see the authors scrambling out of the elevator shaft and into the Vanfanfic Author Locker Room, a place where they must change into their proper Conference outfits (changed weekly by Ender, of course. He does whatever the hell he wants)

Enishi:*patting pockets for a cigarette* Well, that was fun.

Rift:*passing Enishi a pack of Marlboro's* I guess so, if you could call being trapped in the dark for ten minutes with The Godforsaken Ketchup bitches screaming in your ears like banshees. *shudders* If I ever hear another song from their album I am going to have a nervous breakdown. *putting down attache case* Enishi, check the memo, will you? I don't want to see for myself what Ender wants us to wear today...

Eagle:*chomping down on a cookie* Hai hai...um...etto...*reads memo* It's Kuma Tuesday today.

KTX: Kuma Tuesday? Of all the...

shadowD:*blinking* What? AGAIN?! *seething* I HATE those teddy bear costumes!

Enishi:*lights a cig* God...so I have to spend three hours in a room full of psychos wearing a stuffed animal's skin? *puffs* Sounds like fun.

Rift:*sighing* Okay, you guys suit up. I'll have a talk with Ender. He's asking for a status report, and I'm as late as it is...*puts Ivory and Ebony in shoulder holsters, wearing them just in case, and leaves*

Silence.

KTX: So who gets the more neutral colored bear costume?

Enishi:*stubbing out her cigarette* I'd fight you for it.

shadowD:*bringing out his Pokeballs* Bring it on, Sutra lady.

Eagle:*bringing out her fan* Dibs on the Blue Costume! shadowD gets the pink! *WHAP*

shadowD: HEY!

*Scene changes to Rift knocking on the door to Ender's main office*

Rift: Ender? Ender, are you there?

Meia:*opens door* Oh, Rift. Come on in.

Rift: Don't mind if I do. *enters, and finds Ender seated behind his huge mahogany desk, a bloody baseball bat stashed beside it* Hey, Ender.

Ender:*turning around, Meia walking up beside him, massaging his shoulders* Hm.

Rift: Uh...

Ender: Do you want to know....*reaches for a cigar* why they want to terminate...my command? *lights cigar*

Rift:*blinks, then shrugs* They say that...*coughs from cigar smoke, fanning it away with hand*...ehem! That your methods have become unsound. They say that you've gone...insane, sir. *coughs*

Ender: Are my methods...unsound? Am I...insane?

Rift:*shakes head* I see no such method, sir.

Ender:*takes a puff from his cigar, and hands it to Meia, who throws it into a trashbin, a disgusted look on her face* Are you....an assassin?

Rift:*looks at Ivory and Ebony* Oh, these are just -

Ender:*cutting Rift off* Answer the question.

Rift:*coughs* I'm a soldier, sir.

Ender: You're neither. *standing up* You're just a fanfic writer - sent by friends to collect the review. An author, sent by friends, to protest against what they're wearing to the conference room.

Rift:*blinking* Exactly. How'd you know?

Ender:*shrugging* Wild guess. Sit down. Meia-san, please get us some tea.

Meia:*humming* Right away. *goes back to fix tea, and in a minute, comes back* Here you go.

Rift: Arigato. *sips tea* Um, Ender, about the whole Teddy Bear costume thing...

Ender: Enough. I don't want to hear about it. *sips tea* Tell shadowD and the rest that I'm not paying their benefits for nothing. Either wear proper conferencing uniforms, or get shot. You all knew what you were in for when you signed the contract.

Rift: What contract?

Ender:*blinks* Ah...erhmm...that is...Didn't I just tell you to leave?

Rift: But why should I?

Ender:*sighing* Because I have a large gun and it is pointed at your head.

Rift: Yes, sir. *stands up, and salutes Ender*

Ender: Dismissed. *salutes back*

Rift: Hai. *leaves, shaking head*

Meia: Wasn't that just a bit mean? Rift did ask nicely, and that's a first...

Ender: Bah. These people should know where their place is, and...*WHAP* HEY!

Meia: The God Complex is beginning to go into your head again. I had to take corrective action. *giggles*

Ender:...yeah. Right. *rubs head* Anyway, let's go.

Cue voiceover: What happens now? Will our heroes be condemned to wearing the same stupid 'Conferencing Uniforms' the evil Dictator Ender had ordered them to wear? Will ShadowD ever get out of rehab? And will Enishi stop smoking?

That, and other...er...irrelevant questions will be answered on the next chapter - SHADOWD, YOU PUNCH LIKE A GIRL!

Tsuzuku. ^^