Disclaimer: I do not own HYD or its characters cuz if I did I would be able
to afford a pack of gum. : P
Chapter 3: The road to Hell is lined with good intentions
In the car, Soujiro was prattling on and on with Doumyouji about the trip trying to pry out any juicy details, but I didn't seem to care anymore what he found out. Not like anything serious happened the entire trip. I, on the other hand, wanted to just forget about it. All I could think about was getting home to my cozy little apartment, taking a hot shower and curling up in a ball in my cushy futon. I just stared out the window waiting to see the familiar streets leading to my home. Yuki sat next to me in the back seat with a worried face studying my blank, lost expression.
"Tsukushi" Yuki whispered low enough for the two boys in front not to hear.
"Hmmm..."
"What's wrong? You don't seem to be yourself."
"Oh. It's nothing I'm just tired and want to go home," I muttered.
As the car pulled up the narrow dark streets I stepped out of the car to admire how nothing had changed much since I left. It felt good to be home after all those months out at sea. From behind our car, Akira pulled up his car and Shigeru, Akira and Kazuya stepped out. Everyone grabbed a bag and helped me carry my luggage into the little apartment.
I must have completely forgotten the size of my apartment because with all the luggage we were barely able to fit inside the little room. It was funny how I didn't realize how much stuff I had acquired during the trip. Everywhere we went Douyouji insisted I buy new clothes. There were many days on that trip filled with me parading in front of him one outfit after another waiting for his approval. I must have gotten enough new clothes to last me the next ten years.
"Makino, you should really consider moving out of this dump. I mean it's embarrassing. You are dating one of the wealthiest men in all of Japan and your apartment is the size of one of Tsukasa'a bathrooms." Soujiro shifted uneasily through the room trying to find a place to stand, but gave up and just took a seat on one of the trunks.
Doumyouji glared at me with a look of triumph. "I offered her to move into my mansion or at least buy her a new apartment, but this stubborn woman won't let me do anything for her!"
The room grew very eerily quiet at that moment. The only sound in the room was the ticking of the clock. It was counting off the seconds before the battle would begin. I glared hard at Soujiro causing him to break away from my stare out of fear. He had to mention the apartment, didn't he. I cursed him under my breath. Little did he know that it was a sore subject between Doumyouji and me.
"How many times do I have to tell you I don't want you to buy or pay things for me. My apartment is perfectly fine! Why should it matter to you? You don't have to live here, you big idiot?"
I could feel my body tensing up ready to jump on him and start a fight. We had already had this discussion so many times. Doumyouji wanted me to move into his mansion with him since he saw it as perfectly fine with his mother giving us the go ahead, but I stuck to my principles. I was not going to take any charity form him. After that idea fizzled out his next idea was to set me up in an apartment in one of the many high scale complexes his family owned. Our discussion was a grueling, heated battle and we both ended up just dropping the argument since we both knew we were just talking in circles. I tried to reason with that idiot that I had my pride and could make it on my own. I didn't want his help anyway. It was too much to rely so heavily on him for everything. I put my hands on my hips poised to fight, but it was Akira who sensed the impending doom and rushed in to break things up.
"Yo, Tsukasa. Let's all go to a club to celebrate you and Makino's return. We could all use a good night of partying," Akira laughed putting his arm around Shigeru's shoulder.
"Umm..yeah. Come on Tsuakasa. It'll be fun. It's been a long time since F4 has gotten together."
Doumyouji's shoulders eased a bit, but I could still tell he was calculating a counter attack. "Fine. Let's go." He grabbed my wrist and began to pull me from behind against my will out the door.
I stood firmly on the ground anchoring my feet to the floor. It was quite a feat on my part to be able to fight off Doumyouji's grip and strength.
"Did I say I wanted to go? I'm staying here. You go by yourself if you want, but I'm going to stay right here."
Doumyouji's back straightened at the sound of my words. Even with his back turned I could tell he was going to lose his temper again. He spun around and shoved his face into mine.
"What do you mean you're not going! You're my girlfriend and you go where I go!" he bellowed at the top of his lungs sending the pictures on the walls to shake.
"I'm tired of you telling me what to do. What to wear! Where to live! Speaking for me! It was like this the entire trip. I had a life before you and I could perfectly take care of myself. I can make my own choices and I choose not to go!"
"Fine. We'll stay here and the others can go without us."
"You just don't understand what I'm saying are you. No matter how much I try to make you see how I feel you don't."
It was more than I could take anymore. I could feel that lump rising in my throat.. This time I did not raise my voice and break out into screams like I normally would. I was tired of fighting. It seemed like all we ever did was fight sometimes. As odd as it sounded, the fighting was what kept us together giving us the opportunity to always make up afterwards. I wasn't in the mood for one of our petty fights. This was more serious. Very calmly I pointed to the door and turned my face away. "Get out. Everyone leave. I'm tired. I just want to be alone."
Doumyouji's scrunched up face relaxed. His eyes dulled. I could see the reflection of his face through the window I was focused on staring towards. He reached out his hand to touch mine, but quickly pulled back. This was not one of our normal silly arguments where he could just say, "I love you" and all would be forgotten. He knew it.
His voice lowered and very calmly he replied, "I'll see you tomorrow, then."
I bit my lip trying to control my emotions. I wanted to just allow myself to fall to the ground in a heap of confused tears. I could feel my legs already beginning to wobble. I steadied myself and just coldly replied, "No. I'll see you in school."
I could see the devastation in his face. A part of me just wanted to turn around and run into his arms crying. For once, I wanted to make him understand just how miserable I was feeling. I was drowning.
He reacted the only way he knew how to, with his anger. "FINE! I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO!" He stormed out the door slamming the door behind once again causing the whole room to shake.
The room went silent once again. I steadied myself once again against a table and somehow managed to find the strength to walk to the bedroom breaking the deathly silence with a click of the door closing. I sat against the door listening to the shuffling of footsteps, whispers and a small knock on the door.
"Tsukushi...I'll see you at school," Shigeru whispered through the key hole.
Some more footsteps were heard and finally the door slammed shut leaving the apartment silent. I felt relief that they were gone finally, allowing me to break down. I pulled my knees up against my chest finally letting the tears come out.
Knock. Knock.
My head jerked up at being discovered like in such a weak state.
"Tukushi, it's Yuki. The others are gone now. Do you want to talk?"
I opened my eyes and looked around the room through bleary, watery eyes. Everything was blurred and clouded just like my head was at the moment. Slowly, I got up from the huddled mess I had become and opened the door to face Yuki's nervously smiling face. It was still too much for me too deal with all theses emotions. I reached out to grab her, but fell to the floor once again. Yuki bent down next to me and pulled me into her arms letting me cry into her shoulder while gently stroking my head to calm me down. She didn't need to say anything and neither did I. What else were friends for, but to innately know what to do at the right time.
She picked me up and led me over to the table pushing me down to sit. She handed me a kleenex and disappeared into the kitchen. After a few minutes, she returned with a tray to the living room and handed me a cup of tea before settling herself across from me with her hands cupped around her teacup. Patiently she sat there waiting for me choose when to speak.
After a long silence I broke out of it and the words spilled out form me. I told her about being suffocated on that ship by him. Constantly seeing him everywhere and having to rely on him. I screamed about his jealousy and his stubbornness in wanting to take care of everything for me. By the time I finished my long drawn out story I let out a deep sigh. The entire time Yuki silently sat and just nodded her head. I looked at her waiting to say something after I finished, but she just took another sip from her teacup.
She carefully placed her cup back onto its saucer and looked straight into my eyes. "Do you still love him?"
I was thrown back by that question. I had wondered that many times before myself. Did I really love him?
"I don't even know."
"Close your eyes. Now ask yourself who do you love most in this world. Tell me what you see."
I closed my eyes tightly. "Nothing."
"No. Look a little harder and then tell me what you see." I closed my eyes more tightly this time and focused. From the dark depths of oblivion I saw a hand reach out to me. He grabbed onto mine and pulled me closer into his chest, wrapping his warm inviting arms into mine. Once again my heart melted. "Doumyouji.." I muttered. I opened my eyes to see a smiling Yuki.
"Now you know your answer. Just always keep that in your mind. I understand from the past how Doumyouji has a temper and lets his emotions rule his actions, but he does it all out of love for you. Probably all his actions are done with good intentions. You're just tired and strained from spending so much time together. It's not unusual for two people to get on each other's nerves after awhile. Look at your parents. Didn't you always complain to me that after your father lost his job and spent everyday at home with your mother they constantly fought like cats and dogs."
Yuki did have good points. Doumyouji never forced me to do anything I was dead seat against. He at least respected me to that degree. All he ever wanted to do for me was make me happy. Then I thought about Mama and Papa. I seriously thought Mama and Papa would get a divorce from all the fighting they did every day after Papa lost his job. It was hard on both of them to be cooped up in the apartment all day feeling sorry for themselves, then turning on one another pointing out the others' failures
"Your right. Thanks, Yuki. Since when did you become such a love expert?"
Yuki blushed.
"Since you've been gone I've learned this trick to listen to my heart and to go after the one you love, no matter what."
"You see Soujiro, don't you." I flashed her one of my mischievous grins.
Yuki once again blushed a crimson red. She quickly excused herself to the kitchen making some excuse about getting some fresh tea.
It was at that moment I decided to myself to forget all the past incidents and to look forwards to my future with Doumyouji. It was a new school year and this year had to be better than last year. There would be no fear of being red-tagged. I had a boyfriend who loved me. I had my friends. This year was going to be completely uncomplicated. I smiled and imagined spending my second year and Doumyouji's last year at Eitoku as a happy couple. I smiled at the thought of walking hand in hand with Doumyouji through campus to finally be able to understand why high school was the happiest time in a person's life.
Something Yuki said stuck in my head though, 'good intentions'. I couldn't help but feel a little uneasy by those words. Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind I could faintly hear a voice whispering something over and over again.
"The road to Hell is lined with good intentions."
Chapter 3: The road to Hell is lined with good intentions
In the car, Soujiro was prattling on and on with Doumyouji about the trip trying to pry out any juicy details, but I didn't seem to care anymore what he found out. Not like anything serious happened the entire trip. I, on the other hand, wanted to just forget about it. All I could think about was getting home to my cozy little apartment, taking a hot shower and curling up in a ball in my cushy futon. I just stared out the window waiting to see the familiar streets leading to my home. Yuki sat next to me in the back seat with a worried face studying my blank, lost expression.
"Tsukushi" Yuki whispered low enough for the two boys in front not to hear.
"Hmmm..."
"What's wrong? You don't seem to be yourself."
"Oh. It's nothing I'm just tired and want to go home," I muttered.
As the car pulled up the narrow dark streets I stepped out of the car to admire how nothing had changed much since I left. It felt good to be home after all those months out at sea. From behind our car, Akira pulled up his car and Shigeru, Akira and Kazuya stepped out. Everyone grabbed a bag and helped me carry my luggage into the little apartment.
I must have completely forgotten the size of my apartment because with all the luggage we were barely able to fit inside the little room. It was funny how I didn't realize how much stuff I had acquired during the trip. Everywhere we went Douyouji insisted I buy new clothes. There were many days on that trip filled with me parading in front of him one outfit after another waiting for his approval. I must have gotten enough new clothes to last me the next ten years.
"Makino, you should really consider moving out of this dump. I mean it's embarrassing. You are dating one of the wealthiest men in all of Japan and your apartment is the size of one of Tsukasa'a bathrooms." Soujiro shifted uneasily through the room trying to find a place to stand, but gave up and just took a seat on one of the trunks.
Doumyouji glared at me with a look of triumph. "I offered her to move into my mansion or at least buy her a new apartment, but this stubborn woman won't let me do anything for her!"
The room grew very eerily quiet at that moment. The only sound in the room was the ticking of the clock. It was counting off the seconds before the battle would begin. I glared hard at Soujiro causing him to break away from my stare out of fear. He had to mention the apartment, didn't he. I cursed him under my breath. Little did he know that it was a sore subject between Doumyouji and me.
"How many times do I have to tell you I don't want you to buy or pay things for me. My apartment is perfectly fine! Why should it matter to you? You don't have to live here, you big idiot?"
I could feel my body tensing up ready to jump on him and start a fight. We had already had this discussion so many times. Doumyouji wanted me to move into his mansion with him since he saw it as perfectly fine with his mother giving us the go ahead, but I stuck to my principles. I was not going to take any charity form him. After that idea fizzled out his next idea was to set me up in an apartment in one of the many high scale complexes his family owned. Our discussion was a grueling, heated battle and we both ended up just dropping the argument since we both knew we were just talking in circles. I tried to reason with that idiot that I had my pride and could make it on my own. I didn't want his help anyway. It was too much to rely so heavily on him for everything. I put my hands on my hips poised to fight, but it was Akira who sensed the impending doom and rushed in to break things up.
"Yo, Tsukasa. Let's all go to a club to celebrate you and Makino's return. We could all use a good night of partying," Akira laughed putting his arm around Shigeru's shoulder.
"Umm..yeah. Come on Tsuakasa. It'll be fun. It's been a long time since F4 has gotten together."
Doumyouji's shoulders eased a bit, but I could still tell he was calculating a counter attack. "Fine. Let's go." He grabbed my wrist and began to pull me from behind against my will out the door.
I stood firmly on the ground anchoring my feet to the floor. It was quite a feat on my part to be able to fight off Doumyouji's grip and strength.
"Did I say I wanted to go? I'm staying here. You go by yourself if you want, but I'm going to stay right here."
Doumyouji's back straightened at the sound of my words. Even with his back turned I could tell he was going to lose his temper again. He spun around and shoved his face into mine.
"What do you mean you're not going! You're my girlfriend and you go where I go!" he bellowed at the top of his lungs sending the pictures on the walls to shake.
"I'm tired of you telling me what to do. What to wear! Where to live! Speaking for me! It was like this the entire trip. I had a life before you and I could perfectly take care of myself. I can make my own choices and I choose not to go!"
"Fine. We'll stay here and the others can go without us."
"You just don't understand what I'm saying are you. No matter how much I try to make you see how I feel you don't."
It was more than I could take anymore. I could feel that lump rising in my throat.. This time I did not raise my voice and break out into screams like I normally would. I was tired of fighting. It seemed like all we ever did was fight sometimes. As odd as it sounded, the fighting was what kept us together giving us the opportunity to always make up afterwards. I wasn't in the mood for one of our petty fights. This was more serious. Very calmly I pointed to the door and turned my face away. "Get out. Everyone leave. I'm tired. I just want to be alone."
Doumyouji's scrunched up face relaxed. His eyes dulled. I could see the reflection of his face through the window I was focused on staring towards. He reached out his hand to touch mine, but quickly pulled back. This was not one of our normal silly arguments where he could just say, "I love you" and all would be forgotten. He knew it.
His voice lowered and very calmly he replied, "I'll see you tomorrow, then."
I bit my lip trying to control my emotions. I wanted to just allow myself to fall to the ground in a heap of confused tears. I could feel my legs already beginning to wobble. I steadied myself and just coldly replied, "No. I'll see you in school."
I could see the devastation in his face. A part of me just wanted to turn around and run into his arms crying. For once, I wanted to make him understand just how miserable I was feeling. I was drowning.
He reacted the only way he knew how to, with his anger. "FINE! I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO!" He stormed out the door slamming the door behind once again causing the whole room to shake.
The room went silent once again. I steadied myself once again against a table and somehow managed to find the strength to walk to the bedroom breaking the deathly silence with a click of the door closing. I sat against the door listening to the shuffling of footsteps, whispers and a small knock on the door.
"Tsukushi...I'll see you at school," Shigeru whispered through the key hole.
Some more footsteps were heard and finally the door slammed shut leaving the apartment silent. I felt relief that they were gone finally, allowing me to break down. I pulled my knees up against my chest finally letting the tears come out.
Knock. Knock.
My head jerked up at being discovered like in such a weak state.
"Tukushi, it's Yuki. The others are gone now. Do you want to talk?"
I opened my eyes and looked around the room through bleary, watery eyes. Everything was blurred and clouded just like my head was at the moment. Slowly, I got up from the huddled mess I had become and opened the door to face Yuki's nervously smiling face. It was still too much for me too deal with all theses emotions. I reached out to grab her, but fell to the floor once again. Yuki bent down next to me and pulled me into her arms letting me cry into her shoulder while gently stroking my head to calm me down. She didn't need to say anything and neither did I. What else were friends for, but to innately know what to do at the right time.
She picked me up and led me over to the table pushing me down to sit. She handed me a kleenex and disappeared into the kitchen. After a few minutes, she returned with a tray to the living room and handed me a cup of tea before settling herself across from me with her hands cupped around her teacup. Patiently she sat there waiting for me choose when to speak.
After a long silence I broke out of it and the words spilled out form me. I told her about being suffocated on that ship by him. Constantly seeing him everywhere and having to rely on him. I screamed about his jealousy and his stubbornness in wanting to take care of everything for me. By the time I finished my long drawn out story I let out a deep sigh. The entire time Yuki silently sat and just nodded her head. I looked at her waiting to say something after I finished, but she just took another sip from her teacup.
She carefully placed her cup back onto its saucer and looked straight into my eyes. "Do you still love him?"
I was thrown back by that question. I had wondered that many times before myself. Did I really love him?
"I don't even know."
"Close your eyes. Now ask yourself who do you love most in this world. Tell me what you see."
I closed my eyes tightly. "Nothing."
"No. Look a little harder and then tell me what you see." I closed my eyes more tightly this time and focused. From the dark depths of oblivion I saw a hand reach out to me. He grabbed onto mine and pulled me closer into his chest, wrapping his warm inviting arms into mine. Once again my heart melted. "Doumyouji.." I muttered. I opened my eyes to see a smiling Yuki.
"Now you know your answer. Just always keep that in your mind. I understand from the past how Doumyouji has a temper and lets his emotions rule his actions, but he does it all out of love for you. Probably all his actions are done with good intentions. You're just tired and strained from spending so much time together. It's not unusual for two people to get on each other's nerves after awhile. Look at your parents. Didn't you always complain to me that after your father lost his job and spent everyday at home with your mother they constantly fought like cats and dogs."
Yuki did have good points. Doumyouji never forced me to do anything I was dead seat against. He at least respected me to that degree. All he ever wanted to do for me was make me happy. Then I thought about Mama and Papa. I seriously thought Mama and Papa would get a divorce from all the fighting they did every day after Papa lost his job. It was hard on both of them to be cooped up in the apartment all day feeling sorry for themselves, then turning on one another pointing out the others' failures
"Your right. Thanks, Yuki. Since when did you become such a love expert?"
Yuki blushed.
"Since you've been gone I've learned this trick to listen to my heart and to go after the one you love, no matter what."
"You see Soujiro, don't you." I flashed her one of my mischievous grins.
Yuki once again blushed a crimson red. She quickly excused herself to the kitchen making some excuse about getting some fresh tea.
It was at that moment I decided to myself to forget all the past incidents and to look forwards to my future with Doumyouji. It was a new school year and this year had to be better than last year. There would be no fear of being red-tagged. I had a boyfriend who loved me. I had my friends. This year was going to be completely uncomplicated. I smiled and imagined spending my second year and Doumyouji's last year at Eitoku as a happy couple. I smiled at the thought of walking hand in hand with Doumyouji through campus to finally be able to understand why high school was the happiest time in a person's life.
Something Yuki said stuck in my head though, 'good intentions'. I couldn't help but feel a little uneasy by those words. Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind I could faintly hear a voice whispering something over and over again.
"The road to Hell is lined with good intentions."
