Disclaimer: I do not own HYD or any of its characters, but I wouldn't mind
getting a piece of Rui, Doumyouiji, Akira or Soujiro. Kawaii! : P
Chapter 12: Where do we go from here?
A few moments later Jin and Akira entered the room pulling Haru and Doumyouji from behind. Hanzawa Rui walked in behind the group glaring at them. I looked in disbelief at those two. We all sat there in silence no one dared to make the first move. Doumyouji looked at me with downcast eyes ashamed of himself not being able to look me in the eyes. His left eye was purple from the black eye and his face scratched up. He limped a little with each step he took. Haru was equally banged up with a black eye, some cuts and one of his hands bandaged up. They still wore the same blood stained clothes from yesterday and their eyes were bloodshot probably from not sleeping at all the night before. Their faces looked as if they had aged a few years with their hollowed eyes and wrinkled faces. How did it come to all this? I didn't even recognize these two men in front of me.
"So now you two have nothing to say for yourselves," I broke the silence. "Fujio give me a hand." He walked over and helped me off the bed and onto my feet. I stumbled a little but he held me up with his strong arms. I staggered towards the two boys standing in front of me. Fujio let go of me to support myself and I straightened my back.
I pulled Haru's face up and made him look directly into mine. THWACK! I slapped the back of my hand across his face with all my might sending him stumbling a few steps back. He touched his face that now had a pink hand imprint on his cheek. He looked at me with a trembling face unsure of what was to come next.
"We are even now. I know it was an accident that I was stabbed, but I know it was Doumyouji you intended to kill. I'm not angry at you for this," I quietly said. I looked down at my arm hanging from a sling. "You know someone could have died. If not me, Doumyouji." I slowly remembered what Hana had asked me from the beginning and I began to realize what she meant. In the beginning I knew I couldn't really keep my promise to her, but I realized now I had to for the sake of both of us. "I want you to leave! Don't speak to me! Don't come near me ever again!" I madly screamed with my hair flying all over my face.
Haru looked up at me with regret and sorrow all over his face. He slowly turned away and began to walk out of the room with his head lowered in resignation. He slowly creaked open the door. With his face turned away from view he muttered something, I'm sorry. I just want you to know I never would have hurt you."
"It's a little too late for that. We can't take back what is done." I icily replied.
Haru walked out of the room letting the door click as he left letting the deathly silence take over once again. I looked up at Doumyouji who was standing next to the spot Haru once occupied.
"I'm sorry, Tsukushi. I didn't know." Doumyouji began to speak. He looked pleadingly into my eyes, but I was dead to his words. He waited for me to hit him too. I raised my hand but dropped it to my side seeing the pointlessness in it.
"You're not even worth it. You don't know anything do you? I'm tired. I'm tired of all this." I interrupted with a dull voice. "You know the truth now, but it's all too late isn't it? I remember you once telling me that no matter where I went you would go to hell and back for me. Well, the truth of the matter is that I've been to hell and back with you since we met. We can't continue like this."
He looked at me with pain in his eyes. I could see from his face he was grasping for any hope that I would forgive him. "Tsukushi, please just forgive me. All I ever did for you was love you. I love you more than anything in the world."
I laughed bitterly to myself. "This is what you call love? All we ever do is hurt each other. " Inside my heart was shattering into a million pieces. I knew things could never go back to the way they were, but I still loved him nonetheless. I fought back the urge to break down and sob in front of him. I could feel a lump rising in my throat with each breath I took. I fought to maintain the dead expression on my face. "We're finished. I don't know where we will go from here. I love you, but all that ever seems to come out of this is pain and hurt. I don't want anything to do with you right now. Just leave me alone." I felt all the energy drain from body, but struggled to appear strong.
"Is this the end?" he asked.
"I don't know. All I know is that I can't stand the sight of you."
Doumyouji looked at me in utter disbelief. He turned away from me and trudged out the door letting it slam behind him.
I fell onto the couch no longer able to stand. I couldn't hold it back anymore. Tears began to fall onto my hand clenched against the side of the couch. My legs had lost all feeling. Jin, Fujio, Akira and Soujiro quietly slipped out to chase after Doumyouji and Haru. Only Hanazawa Rui remained. He walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me while I cried between choked sobs into his chest. He just held me there as long as I needed him.
When I finally composed myself. I looked up into his face so close to mine. He had a look of pain at seeing me in such turmoil. "Hanzawa Rui, can you take me home?" I asked weakly. He nodded a yes and helped me up from the couch and led me out the room leaving behind all the agony that resided in the room.
*******
I turned the key to the apartment door and with a click pushed the door open. Hanazawa Rui let me use him as a crutch to hobble into the dark apartment. I looked around for any sign that Susumu might still be at home. I didn't want him to see me like this right now. How could I explain this to him? I hobbled over to a spot in the corner near the open window and sat on the ground leaning my back against the wall. Outside the ground was already dry from the downpour yesterday. The sun was shining brightly sending its rays through the window hitting my pale face. Hanzawa Rui, who I expected to have already left, sat down beside me. We sat there in silence looking out at the world outside.
"I still love Doumyouji after all this. It's quite pathetic, isn't it? Hanzawa Rui, where do we go from here?" I asked in a faint voice. I let out a sigh and once again I was overwhelmed with emotions. The tears just wouldn't stop.
He started talking, which shocked me a little. He normally would have been the one to quietly listen, but now he was the speaker. "I didn't tell you why I came back, did I?"
I looked up at his calm, expressionless face. I could see the temerity in his eyes at revealing himself to me. I just continued to stare out the window waiting for him to take his time.
"It's not what you think. I broke things off with Shizuka. I realized now that the first time I left her I was just being a selfish child wanting her to need me and only me." He laughed a little to himself. "When I saw how hard you and Tsukasa fought for each other I realized that I had given up on Shizuka so easily. You were the ones who pushed me to go back and try again. But I think by that time we had exhausted our chances. Shizuka had already grown out of me. She may be the only woman I will ever truly love, but I couldn't hold onto someone from the past. I loved her as a child, but as I man I couldn't love her in the way she needed me. We were never meant to be together. As much as we said we loved each other, she could nerve bring herself to say it. So I did. I ended it." I saw a lonely tear fall from his face. "Sometimes we just have to let go. You might think that tomorrow will never come and the world will stop, but life continues. You just have to continue to live."
I watched Hanzawa Rui show me a side of himself he had never shown anyone, not even F4 or Shizuka. I nodded my head understanding what he was trying to say. No matter how much I loved Doumyouji and he loved me we couldn't hold onto something that perhaps was never meant to be. We were both different people now. I closed my eyes and fell asleep with my head resting on Hanazawa Rui's shoulder. For now, I could think of nothing else but the escape of slumber.
******
When I awoke Hanzawa Rui was already gone. I looked up and realized that I was lying in my bed. He must have carried me to my bed and tucked me in. From outside my room I could hear the clanging of pots and pans. There was a loud sound of glass shattering onto the ground.
"Crap!" Susumu screamed from the kitchen.
I stretched my aching body and managed to lift myself out of bed. I trudged over to the kitchen and stood in the doorway watching in silence as my brother ran from side to side picking up broken glass cutting himself on the sharp shards.
"Susumu.." I called out.
He dropped the shards onto the floor once again and ran over to me. "Oneesan, you're awake! You shouldn't be standing. Go sit." He pushed me over to the living room table and sat me down in front of the table. He then quickly scurried back into the kitchen holding a bowl of something and placed it in front of me.
I looked down at the mess. I couldn't really tell what it was, but from what I could tell there were pieces of vegetable and meat floating in watery rice water. "What is this?" I asked with a bewildered look afraid to eat his concoction.
"I made you some porridge like Mama would when we were sick! It's not quite the same, but I think it's close enough. I never realized how much work cooking took." He looked at me with puppy dogs eye waiting for me to try some.
I picked up the spoon and scooping a very small amount and shoved it in my mouth. I managed to let out a fake smile before swallowing the horrible burnt stuff into my mouth. I didn't want to hurt his feelings after all the effort he took into it. "It's good." Inised I hoped that I wouldn't be reliving the taste of the stuff over the porcelain bowl of the toilet.
Susumu's face lit up. He intently watched me slowly eating his horrible cooking. After I finished he pushed the bowl aside and looked directly into my eyes. "You disappeared yesterday and didn't come home last night? Then I come home after school and find you banged up sleeping on that strange Hanazawa Rui's shoulder. He wouldn't tell me anything and just told me to take care of you. What happened?"
I took a deep breath trying to find the right words. Not wanting to keep him in suspense any longer I relayed my long tale. As I finished I watched Susumu rise from the table with clenched fists.
"I'll kill those bastards!" he yelled clenching his fists. "I don't care if he's Hana's brother or the son of the richest family in Japan. No one hurts you!" His eyes became wild burning with fury.
"No! Don't do anything. I've already taken care of it." I tried to calm him down.
He fell back to the ground shaking his head. He couldn't protect me and he hated himself for being useless. As we sat there both wondering what would come of this we were interrupted by the sound of the doorbell.
I could hear the shuffling of feet and some muffled whispers. Susumu walked straight into his room wanting to leave our guest and I alone.
"Yuki.." I managed to utter between tears.
She took one look at me and gasped in horror. "Soujiro called me and told me that you needed me." She knelt down beside me and once again I told my story through muffled sobs. Yuki just watched me with an understanding look quietly letting me talk. She let me cry in her arms into the night.
Chapter 12: Where do we go from here?
A few moments later Jin and Akira entered the room pulling Haru and Doumyouji from behind. Hanzawa Rui walked in behind the group glaring at them. I looked in disbelief at those two. We all sat there in silence no one dared to make the first move. Doumyouji looked at me with downcast eyes ashamed of himself not being able to look me in the eyes. His left eye was purple from the black eye and his face scratched up. He limped a little with each step he took. Haru was equally banged up with a black eye, some cuts and one of his hands bandaged up. They still wore the same blood stained clothes from yesterday and their eyes were bloodshot probably from not sleeping at all the night before. Their faces looked as if they had aged a few years with their hollowed eyes and wrinkled faces. How did it come to all this? I didn't even recognize these two men in front of me.
"So now you two have nothing to say for yourselves," I broke the silence. "Fujio give me a hand." He walked over and helped me off the bed and onto my feet. I stumbled a little but he held me up with his strong arms. I staggered towards the two boys standing in front of me. Fujio let go of me to support myself and I straightened my back.
I pulled Haru's face up and made him look directly into mine. THWACK! I slapped the back of my hand across his face with all my might sending him stumbling a few steps back. He touched his face that now had a pink hand imprint on his cheek. He looked at me with a trembling face unsure of what was to come next.
"We are even now. I know it was an accident that I was stabbed, but I know it was Doumyouji you intended to kill. I'm not angry at you for this," I quietly said. I looked down at my arm hanging from a sling. "You know someone could have died. If not me, Doumyouji." I slowly remembered what Hana had asked me from the beginning and I began to realize what she meant. In the beginning I knew I couldn't really keep my promise to her, but I realized now I had to for the sake of both of us. "I want you to leave! Don't speak to me! Don't come near me ever again!" I madly screamed with my hair flying all over my face.
Haru looked up at me with regret and sorrow all over his face. He slowly turned away and began to walk out of the room with his head lowered in resignation. He slowly creaked open the door. With his face turned away from view he muttered something, I'm sorry. I just want you to know I never would have hurt you."
"It's a little too late for that. We can't take back what is done." I icily replied.
Haru walked out of the room letting the door click as he left letting the deathly silence take over once again. I looked up at Doumyouji who was standing next to the spot Haru once occupied.
"I'm sorry, Tsukushi. I didn't know." Doumyouji began to speak. He looked pleadingly into my eyes, but I was dead to his words. He waited for me to hit him too. I raised my hand but dropped it to my side seeing the pointlessness in it.
"You're not even worth it. You don't know anything do you? I'm tired. I'm tired of all this." I interrupted with a dull voice. "You know the truth now, but it's all too late isn't it? I remember you once telling me that no matter where I went you would go to hell and back for me. Well, the truth of the matter is that I've been to hell and back with you since we met. We can't continue like this."
He looked at me with pain in his eyes. I could see from his face he was grasping for any hope that I would forgive him. "Tsukushi, please just forgive me. All I ever did for you was love you. I love you more than anything in the world."
I laughed bitterly to myself. "This is what you call love? All we ever do is hurt each other. " Inside my heart was shattering into a million pieces. I knew things could never go back to the way they were, but I still loved him nonetheless. I fought back the urge to break down and sob in front of him. I could feel a lump rising in my throat with each breath I took. I fought to maintain the dead expression on my face. "We're finished. I don't know where we will go from here. I love you, but all that ever seems to come out of this is pain and hurt. I don't want anything to do with you right now. Just leave me alone." I felt all the energy drain from body, but struggled to appear strong.
"Is this the end?" he asked.
"I don't know. All I know is that I can't stand the sight of you."
Doumyouji looked at me in utter disbelief. He turned away from me and trudged out the door letting it slam behind him.
I fell onto the couch no longer able to stand. I couldn't hold it back anymore. Tears began to fall onto my hand clenched against the side of the couch. My legs had lost all feeling. Jin, Fujio, Akira and Soujiro quietly slipped out to chase after Doumyouji and Haru. Only Hanazawa Rui remained. He walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me while I cried between choked sobs into his chest. He just held me there as long as I needed him.
When I finally composed myself. I looked up into his face so close to mine. He had a look of pain at seeing me in such turmoil. "Hanzawa Rui, can you take me home?" I asked weakly. He nodded a yes and helped me up from the couch and led me out the room leaving behind all the agony that resided in the room.
*******
I turned the key to the apartment door and with a click pushed the door open. Hanazawa Rui let me use him as a crutch to hobble into the dark apartment. I looked around for any sign that Susumu might still be at home. I didn't want him to see me like this right now. How could I explain this to him? I hobbled over to a spot in the corner near the open window and sat on the ground leaning my back against the wall. Outside the ground was already dry from the downpour yesterday. The sun was shining brightly sending its rays through the window hitting my pale face. Hanzawa Rui, who I expected to have already left, sat down beside me. We sat there in silence looking out at the world outside.
"I still love Doumyouji after all this. It's quite pathetic, isn't it? Hanzawa Rui, where do we go from here?" I asked in a faint voice. I let out a sigh and once again I was overwhelmed with emotions. The tears just wouldn't stop.
He started talking, which shocked me a little. He normally would have been the one to quietly listen, but now he was the speaker. "I didn't tell you why I came back, did I?"
I looked up at his calm, expressionless face. I could see the temerity in his eyes at revealing himself to me. I just continued to stare out the window waiting for him to take his time.
"It's not what you think. I broke things off with Shizuka. I realized now that the first time I left her I was just being a selfish child wanting her to need me and only me." He laughed a little to himself. "When I saw how hard you and Tsukasa fought for each other I realized that I had given up on Shizuka so easily. You were the ones who pushed me to go back and try again. But I think by that time we had exhausted our chances. Shizuka had already grown out of me. She may be the only woman I will ever truly love, but I couldn't hold onto someone from the past. I loved her as a child, but as I man I couldn't love her in the way she needed me. We were never meant to be together. As much as we said we loved each other, she could nerve bring herself to say it. So I did. I ended it." I saw a lonely tear fall from his face. "Sometimes we just have to let go. You might think that tomorrow will never come and the world will stop, but life continues. You just have to continue to live."
I watched Hanzawa Rui show me a side of himself he had never shown anyone, not even F4 or Shizuka. I nodded my head understanding what he was trying to say. No matter how much I loved Doumyouji and he loved me we couldn't hold onto something that perhaps was never meant to be. We were both different people now. I closed my eyes and fell asleep with my head resting on Hanazawa Rui's shoulder. For now, I could think of nothing else but the escape of slumber.
******
When I awoke Hanzawa Rui was already gone. I looked up and realized that I was lying in my bed. He must have carried me to my bed and tucked me in. From outside my room I could hear the clanging of pots and pans. There was a loud sound of glass shattering onto the ground.
"Crap!" Susumu screamed from the kitchen.
I stretched my aching body and managed to lift myself out of bed. I trudged over to the kitchen and stood in the doorway watching in silence as my brother ran from side to side picking up broken glass cutting himself on the sharp shards.
"Susumu.." I called out.
He dropped the shards onto the floor once again and ran over to me. "Oneesan, you're awake! You shouldn't be standing. Go sit." He pushed me over to the living room table and sat me down in front of the table. He then quickly scurried back into the kitchen holding a bowl of something and placed it in front of me.
I looked down at the mess. I couldn't really tell what it was, but from what I could tell there were pieces of vegetable and meat floating in watery rice water. "What is this?" I asked with a bewildered look afraid to eat his concoction.
"I made you some porridge like Mama would when we were sick! It's not quite the same, but I think it's close enough. I never realized how much work cooking took." He looked at me with puppy dogs eye waiting for me to try some.
I picked up the spoon and scooping a very small amount and shoved it in my mouth. I managed to let out a fake smile before swallowing the horrible burnt stuff into my mouth. I didn't want to hurt his feelings after all the effort he took into it. "It's good." Inised I hoped that I wouldn't be reliving the taste of the stuff over the porcelain bowl of the toilet.
Susumu's face lit up. He intently watched me slowly eating his horrible cooking. After I finished he pushed the bowl aside and looked directly into my eyes. "You disappeared yesterday and didn't come home last night? Then I come home after school and find you banged up sleeping on that strange Hanazawa Rui's shoulder. He wouldn't tell me anything and just told me to take care of you. What happened?"
I took a deep breath trying to find the right words. Not wanting to keep him in suspense any longer I relayed my long tale. As I finished I watched Susumu rise from the table with clenched fists.
"I'll kill those bastards!" he yelled clenching his fists. "I don't care if he's Hana's brother or the son of the richest family in Japan. No one hurts you!" His eyes became wild burning with fury.
"No! Don't do anything. I've already taken care of it." I tried to calm him down.
He fell back to the ground shaking his head. He couldn't protect me and he hated himself for being useless. As we sat there both wondering what would come of this we were interrupted by the sound of the doorbell.
I could hear the shuffling of feet and some muffled whispers. Susumu walked straight into his room wanting to leave our guest and I alone.
"Yuki.." I managed to utter between tears.
She took one look at me and gasped in horror. "Soujiro called me and told me that you needed me." She knelt down beside me and once again I told my story through muffled sobs. Yuki just watched me with an understanding look quietly letting me talk. She let me cry in her arms into the night.
