Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Chapter 16: No more tears
Where am I? Did it really all happen? I groggily thought to myself.
I awoke the next morning with a pounding headache wondering if the night before had been all a dream. The room was eerily quiet only to be disturbed by the howling sound echoing outside. I stumbled to of bed tripping over my gown that was now thoroughly wrinkled. There were pieces of clumped up dried sand still stuck onto the hem chipping off with each step I took falling onto the soft carpet.
I somehow managed to make it to the window pressing my body against the cold glass. The sky was dark and looming and the waves of the ocean violently crashed against the shore scaring away any life that dared to approach the angry sea. Slowly, tiny rain drops began to fall from the sky hitting the glass with small plinks. I looked through the window seeing the faint trace of my reflection looking back at me. I reached my hand up to my neck touching the bare spot where the saturn necklace once hung. I could feel my stomach lurching thinking about what I had done. I hated the person I saw before me. I looked ahead staring at the figure in front of me with the blood shot eyes, dark circles, and limp frame. I hate her.
An uncontrollable anger was rising in me that could no longer be contained for another minute. Hatred seethed through every fiber of my being. I thrust the glass doors open with an earth shattering crash. The wind howled trying to usher my body back inside, but I overpowered it taking one small firm step at a time. I could feel the cold rain and wind hitting every art of my body like tiny daggers trying to subdue me, but I moved on. I grabbed onto the ledge railing and with trembling hands lifted myself onto it. I shakily touched pulled my feet up onto the stone railing and forced the rest of my body up standing on the thin ledge. My waif like body should have tumbled backwards against the forces of nature. I held my ground. I looked down at the ground below me sensing the thin line between life and death that could be breached with one false step. I closed my eyes and just listened to the chaos around me wanting it to all to stop right now.
"Tsukushi!" voices cried from behind me.
I turned around and standing there with panicked and determined faces stood Rui and Doumyouji.
"Don't come near me!" I could feel the words exiting my mouth with power.
"Get down from there before you hurt yourself!" Doumyouji cried out to me.
"Tsukasa's right. You're scaring us. Please come down." Rui commanded in an urgent voice.
"Take my hand, Tsukushi!" they both yelled in unison pleading for me to just grab on to one of them. They each reached out a hand for me to grab onto. Their hands were only a few inches away from my body.
I felt my arms rise from my side and I saw the hands in front of me. My left to Rui and my right to Doumyouji. They each edged a little closer to take my hand. A small smile crept onto my face. In slow motion, I felt my body fall backwards and I could feel the sinking feeling of my body picking up more speed as I plummeted to the ground. I could see their faces in front of me screaming something, but I could no longer hear them. I saw my arms reach up towards them, but it was to no avail. My body drifted farther and farther away from them. I lay there feeling the air hitting my back as I fell faster and faster. It almost felt like smiling. The strangest part of it all was I was the euphoric happiness that spread through me. I closed my eyes counting the seconds before I would hit the ground. 5.4.3.3.2.1
THUD.
"Aaaahhh!" My body convulsed jolting up from the bed thrusting the sheets off my body. Beads of cold sweat dripped down my face. I grabbed my chest feeling my heart trying to jump out of my chest. I sat up panting heavily struggling to get air into my lungs.
What was that? I think my heart almost stopped.
I walked to the bathroom and turned on the light with a flick of the switch. I leaned my hands against the side of the counter and turned on the faucet watching the sink slowly fill up with a pool of water. I plunged my hands in cupping a handful of cold water and splashing my face with it washing away the sleepiness. I grabbed a nearby towel and rubbed my face fiercely trying to remove the black streaks of mascara that had dried onto my cheeks.
As I packed my bags savoring the last few moments of this vacation I cringed at the thought of accidentally seeing them. I zipped up my suitcase and glanced at the door to the adjoining room. Could he still be there? Everything could change with just the turnoff that doorknob. Inside I hoped that I could gather the courage to walk into that room and just seek his comfort. I couldn't. Things would never be the way they used to be. Not now. Not ever again.
Knock. Knock.
"Come in."
Yuki's face appeared around the corner. "Are you ready to go?"
"Mm hm.." I lazily muttered still lost in thought trying to search through the room for any remaining items I had missed. I picked up a shirt on the chair and began to nervously fold it on the bed with my back turned to Yuki.
Yuki stood there silently staring at me. Her voice was calm. "I bumped into Doumyoiji last night. He was a complete drunken wreck and Soujiro had to take him back to his room. Then Hanazawa Rui stormed past us and locked himself into his room with Akira chasing after him. Did something happen?"
I stopped folding the shirt I had already folded and unfolded for the fifth time. I told Doumyouji we could never be together." I bluntly said finally giving up on the shirt and tossing it into one of my bags. "Oh, and Rui professed his love for me."
"What?! He told you he loved you!" Yuki screamed in shock. "I remember you telling me he was in love with Todousan. Did you leave Doumyouji for Hanzawa Rui?"
"No. I told him I couldn't answer him now. There's just too much going on right now. I don't think I could ever be with another person from that world. I just want to live my simple life."
Yuki stepped forward and put her arm on my shoulder pushing me to turn around and face her. I just smiled.
"What is it?" I innocently asked.
"It's not good to bottle up all your emotions. It's better to just let everything out. Aren't you the least bit upset?"
My shoulders tensed up. "I've cried too many tears for him. The tears just won't come out anymore. I realized last night that the entire time I've known him I've cried more tears of sorrow than anything else. Our love only hurts us. It's for the better."
"What about Hanzawa Rui then?"
"I don't know," I sighed. "Although I found myself falling in love with him before Doumyouji, too much has happened. We're all different people now. Maybe the girl I was a year ago loved him, but now I don't know. We have a strange, confusing history. I couldn't bear to hurt him. I couldn't give him a direct answer, but I think he knew what it was. I'm such a coward." I laughed bitterly to myself.
Yuki nodded her head in understanding. "Well I'll always be there for you. You know that, right?"
I placed my hand on Yuki's head. "Of course. Don't worry about me so much. Remember I'm a tough weed." I smiled.
Yuki nodded her head. "Well then let's get your things downstairs. Kazuya's waiting."
We each grabbed a bag and walked out of the room in silence. I brought my key to the counter while Yuki waited on the side for any signs of Kazuya. It was strange for him to be late.
"Excuse me, miss. There's a message for you," the person at the counter handed me a note with some hurried scrambled writing on it.
I opened up the folded piece of paper recognizing Kazuya's handwriting:
Tsukushi,
Gomen. By the time you read this I will already be back in Tokyo. My father is unable to meet some very important clients and I had to go in his place. Don't be mad with me, but I asked F4 to take you and Yuki back.
-Kazuya
The moment I looked up from the piece of paper I was surprised to see F4 and Shigeru standing in front of me. Akira, Soujiro, and Shigeru cheerily waved towards Yuki and me, but Doumyouji and Rui stood apart form the rest of the group. Doumyouji and I quickly averted our gazes not wanting to look at the other right now. I knew there would be a strange awkwardness.
"Yo, Tsukushi. Ready to go back to Tokyo?" Soujiro asked. He walked over to Yuki and draped his arm over her shoulder.
"Yep!" I smiled under all my nervousness.
The six of us stood there awkwardly for a moment trying to figure out what to do next.
"Why don't we divide up our group then since we each brought our own cars? Yuki will come with me of course. Tsukasa you take Shigeru in your car. Umm.Tsukushi you can go with."
"I'll.." Rui began to say.
"She'll come in my car! That'll save Rui the extra trip to stop off at Tsukushi's!" Akira yelled grabbing onto my arm and raising his hand like a kindergarten kid holding onto a partner.
I watched the look of disappointment on Rui's face. He closed his mouth and just walked away sulkily.
Akira dragged the last of my luggage into the trunk and slammed it close with a loud thunk. He walked over to Soujiro as they began whispering to themselves. I sat in the passenger seat watching their intimate conversation. Every once in a while they would glance up and look in my direction only to nod their heads and look back towards the other. Doumyouji impatiently honked on the horn signaling Soujiro and Akira to hurry up so they could leave. Rui sat in the car behind ours and dreamily stared out the window in a daze. Akira waved at Doumyouji apologetically and came running back into our car strapping himself in with the seatbelt. We were off.
I dreamily kept my eyes plastered on the view from my window. We sat there in silent through most of the trip. I was glad that for once Akira wasn't his usual talkative self, although it was a little creepy considering it was Akira. As we drove along the highway the cars slowly separated and our group had separated. Doumyouji drove like a maniac swerving through the cars disappearing into the traffic in front of us. The others had disappeared later in the midst of all the cars ahead of us. I sat in my seat and closed my eyes relishing in the peaceful quiet of the car. I only opened my eyes again when the car came to a stop in front of my apartment building.
"Looks like it's going to rain," Akira said interrupting the silence.
"Mm hmm." I replied.
There was another long awkward silence.
"I wish things didn't turn out the way they did."
"So do I," I coolly replied. .
~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~
*A/N: Well I'm currently writing up the conclusion to this, my first fanfic. It's a little sad to have to let go since it's my first. It's pretty damn long actually reaching 30+ chapters. That's what I guess happens when you make them short. Don't be surprised if one day I get fed up with revising and just post the whole thing at once. Two months of my life on this story has been quite long enough. I don't like to dwell much on the past.
Chapter 16: No more tears
Where am I? Did it really all happen? I groggily thought to myself.
I awoke the next morning with a pounding headache wondering if the night before had been all a dream. The room was eerily quiet only to be disturbed by the howling sound echoing outside. I stumbled to of bed tripping over my gown that was now thoroughly wrinkled. There were pieces of clumped up dried sand still stuck onto the hem chipping off with each step I took falling onto the soft carpet.
I somehow managed to make it to the window pressing my body against the cold glass. The sky was dark and looming and the waves of the ocean violently crashed against the shore scaring away any life that dared to approach the angry sea. Slowly, tiny rain drops began to fall from the sky hitting the glass with small plinks. I looked through the window seeing the faint trace of my reflection looking back at me. I reached my hand up to my neck touching the bare spot where the saturn necklace once hung. I could feel my stomach lurching thinking about what I had done. I hated the person I saw before me. I looked ahead staring at the figure in front of me with the blood shot eyes, dark circles, and limp frame. I hate her.
An uncontrollable anger was rising in me that could no longer be contained for another minute. Hatred seethed through every fiber of my being. I thrust the glass doors open with an earth shattering crash. The wind howled trying to usher my body back inside, but I overpowered it taking one small firm step at a time. I could feel the cold rain and wind hitting every art of my body like tiny daggers trying to subdue me, but I moved on. I grabbed onto the ledge railing and with trembling hands lifted myself onto it. I shakily touched pulled my feet up onto the stone railing and forced the rest of my body up standing on the thin ledge. My waif like body should have tumbled backwards against the forces of nature. I held my ground. I looked down at the ground below me sensing the thin line between life and death that could be breached with one false step. I closed my eyes and just listened to the chaos around me wanting it to all to stop right now.
"Tsukushi!" voices cried from behind me.
I turned around and standing there with panicked and determined faces stood Rui and Doumyouji.
"Don't come near me!" I could feel the words exiting my mouth with power.
"Get down from there before you hurt yourself!" Doumyouji cried out to me.
"Tsukasa's right. You're scaring us. Please come down." Rui commanded in an urgent voice.
"Take my hand, Tsukushi!" they both yelled in unison pleading for me to just grab on to one of them. They each reached out a hand for me to grab onto. Their hands were only a few inches away from my body.
I felt my arms rise from my side and I saw the hands in front of me. My left to Rui and my right to Doumyouji. They each edged a little closer to take my hand. A small smile crept onto my face. In slow motion, I felt my body fall backwards and I could feel the sinking feeling of my body picking up more speed as I plummeted to the ground. I could see their faces in front of me screaming something, but I could no longer hear them. I saw my arms reach up towards them, but it was to no avail. My body drifted farther and farther away from them. I lay there feeling the air hitting my back as I fell faster and faster. It almost felt like smiling. The strangest part of it all was I was the euphoric happiness that spread through me. I closed my eyes counting the seconds before I would hit the ground. 5.4.3.3.2.1
THUD.
"Aaaahhh!" My body convulsed jolting up from the bed thrusting the sheets off my body. Beads of cold sweat dripped down my face. I grabbed my chest feeling my heart trying to jump out of my chest. I sat up panting heavily struggling to get air into my lungs.
What was that? I think my heart almost stopped.
I walked to the bathroom and turned on the light with a flick of the switch. I leaned my hands against the side of the counter and turned on the faucet watching the sink slowly fill up with a pool of water. I plunged my hands in cupping a handful of cold water and splashing my face with it washing away the sleepiness. I grabbed a nearby towel and rubbed my face fiercely trying to remove the black streaks of mascara that had dried onto my cheeks.
As I packed my bags savoring the last few moments of this vacation I cringed at the thought of accidentally seeing them. I zipped up my suitcase and glanced at the door to the adjoining room. Could he still be there? Everything could change with just the turnoff that doorknob. Inside I hoped that I could gather the courage to walk into that room and just seek his comfort. I couldn't. Things would never be the way they used to be. Not now. Not ever again.
Knock. Knock.
"Come in."
Yuki's face appeared around the corner. "Are you ready to go?"
"Mm hm.." I lazily muttered still lost in thought trying to search through the room for any remaining items I had missed. I picked up a shirt on the chair and began to nervously fold it on the bed with my back turned to Yuki.
Yuki stood there silently staring at me. Her voice was calm. "I bumped into Doumyoiji last night. He was a complete drunken wreck and Soujiro had to take him back to his room. Then Hanazawa Rui stormed past us and locked himself into his room with Akira chasing after him. Did something happen?"
I stopped folding the shirt I had already folded and unfolded for the fifth time. I told Doumyouji we could never be together." I bluntly said finally giving up on the shirt and tossing it into one of my bags. "Oh, and Rui professed his love for me."
"What?! He told you he loved you!" Yuki screamed in shock. "I remember you telling me he was in love with Todousan. Did you leave Doumyouji for Hanzawa Rui?"
"No. I told him I couldn't answer him now. There's just too much going on right now. I don't think I could ever be with another person from that world. I just want to live my simple life."
Yuki stepped forward and put her arm on my shoulder pushing me to turn around and face her. I just smiled.
"What is it?" I innocently asked.
"It's not good to bottle up all your emotions. It's better to just let everything out. Aren't you the least bit upset?"
My shoulders tensed up. "I've cried too many tears for him. The tears just won't come out anymore. I realized last night that the entire time I've known him I've cried more tears of sorrow than anything else. Our love only hurts us. It's for the better."
"What about Hanzawa Rui then?"
"I don't know," I sighed. "Although I found myself falling in love with him before Doumyouji, too much has happened. We're all different people now. Maybe the girl I was a year ago loved him, but now I don't know. We have a strange, confusing history. I couldn't bear to hurt him. I couldn't give him a direct answer, but I think he knew what it was. I'm such a coward." I laughed bitterly to myself.
Yuki nodded her head in understanding. "Well I'll always be there for you. You know that, right?"
I placed my hand on Yuki's head. "Of course. Don't worry about me so much. Remember I'm a tough weed." I smiled.
Yuki nodded her head. "Well then let's get your things downstairs. Kazuya's waiting."
We each grabbed a bag and walked out of the room in silence. I brought my key to the counter while Yuki waited on the side for any signs of Kazuya. It was strange for him to be late.
"Excuse me, miss. There's a message for you," the person at the counter handed me a note with some hurried scrambled writing on it.
I opened up the folded piece of paper recognizing Kazuya's handwriting:
Tsukushi,
Gomen. By the time you read this I will already be back in Tokyo. My father is unable to meet some very important clients and I had to go in his place. Don't be mad with me, but I asked F4 to take you and Yuki back.
-Kazuya
The moment I looked up from the piece of paper I was surprised to see F4 and Shigeru standing in front of me. Akira, Soujiro, and Shigeru cheerily waved towards Yuki and me, but Doumyouji and Rui stood apart form the rest of the group. Doumyouji and I quickly averted our gazes not wanting to look at the other right now. I knew there would be a strange awkwardness.
"Yo, Tsukushi. Ready to go back to Tokyo?" Soujiro asked. He walked over to Yuki and draped his arm over her shoulder.
"Yep!" I smiled under all my nervousness.
The six of us stood there awkwardly for a moment trying to figure out what to do next.
"Why don't we divide up our group then since we each brought our own cars? Yuki will come with me of course. Tsukasa you take Shigeru in your car. Umm.Tsukushi you can go with."
"I'll.." Rui began to say.
"She'll come in my car! That'll save Rui the extra trip to stop off at Tsukushi's!" Akira yelled grabbing onto my arm and raising his hand like a kindergarten kid holding onto a partner.
I watched the look of disappointment on Rui's face. He closed his mouth and just walked away sulkily.
Akira dragged the last of my luggage into the trunk and slammed it close with a loud thunk. He walked over to Soujiro as they began whispering to themselves. I sat in the passenger seat watching their intimate conversation. Every once in a while they would glance up and look in my direction only to nod their heads and look back towards the other. Doumyouji impatiently honked on the horn signaling Soujiro and Akira to hurry up so they could leave. Rui sat in the car behind ours and dreamily stared out the window in a daze. Akira waved at Doumyouji apologetically and came running back into our car strapping himself in with the seatbelt. We were off.
I dreamily kept my eyes plastered on the view from my window. We sat there in silent through most of the trip. I was glad that for once Akira wasn't his usual talkative self, although it was a little creepy considering it was Akira. As we drove along the highway the cars slowly separated and our group had separated. Doumyouji drove like a maniac swerving through the cars disappearing into the traffic in front of us. The others had disappeared later in the midst of all the cars ahead of us. I sat in my seat and closed my eyes relishing in the peaceful quiet of the car. I only opened my eyes again when the car came to a stop in front of my apartment building.
"Looks like it's going to rain," Akira said interrupting the silence.
"Mm hmm." I replied.
There was another long awkward silence.
"I wish things didn't turn out the way they did."
"So do I," I coolly replied. .
~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~
*A/N: Well I'm currently writing up the conclusion to this, my first fanfic. It's a little sad to have to let go since it's my first. It's pretty damn long actually reaching 30+ chapters. That's what I guess happens when you make them short. Don't be surprised if one day I get fed up with revising and just post the whole thing at once. Two months of my life on this story has been quite long enough. I don't like to dwell much on the past.
