Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Chapter 20: Ups and Downs

Sometimes I wonder why time goes so fast. For most of us we spend our youth wishing for events to pass us by as soon as possible getting our daily routines and tasks done, but in the end it is all quite fleeting. Before we know it hours turn to days, days to weeks, and weeks to years. I wonder if I had a second chance to go through it again would I do things the same way? Could I have avoided it all? Time is cruel in that way that it eternally continues playing forward and never in any other direction. I now wish that I had taken the time to stop and enjoy it all while it lasted.

*******

I woke up to a freezing room shivering in the darkness. It was already 7 in the morning and it was time to wake up for school once again. Outside of the window the wind blew fiercely sending the branches of the trees scraping against the glass with a screeching noise. As I let out a deep breath I could see the small, faint puff of air come forth from my mouth. I pulled up the covers close to me rubbing my hands to keep warm wondering, would today be the day?

I pulled on my uniform as quickly as possible to avoid the tingling of the cold against my bare skin. Standing in front of the mirror I noticed the reflection of something in the closet. Looking down I stared at the bag I had already packed and the little package with two envelopes lying on top of it. It was my emergency escape. I had organized everything perfectly. When it was time to go I would just grab my bag and leave the letters behind for Susumu to take care of. In one envelope, I had left to one letter to Susumu and another to my parents. I knew Susumu would probably be the one to understand me the most in making my decision, but my parents would be another story. It was bittersweet that in the end their dutiful daughter they pushed to marry a rich boy would run away with someone from a not so legitimate background to find happiness. I couldn't help but laugh that after all their hard work pushing me into Eitoku to meet the right people had completely backfired. Would Mama and Papa ever forgive such a disobedient daughter?

For Yuki and the others, there were separate notes in the second envelope, which I had left instructions for Susumu to distribute personally. There were small private messages for Yuki, Kazuya, Soujiro, Akira, Shigeru, and Shizuka. The letters for Rui and Doumyouji were the most painstakingly difficult to write, but after forcing myself for a week to get it done I had finally completed them the night before. At first, I thought of leaving nothing for them for the memories we had were enough of a farewell gift I could give them. In the end, I wrote similar notes saying goodbye wishing them happiness in their futures finding love with someone who would love them back just as much. There was no mention of our past, but only encouraging words for a future without me hoping that they could grant my wish of erasing me from their minds. Perhaps it would be all the easier for me to know they wouldn't be worrying about me. Or maybe it was only through empty words I could lie to myself that I could let them go, knowing I never would.

I took one last look at the bag on the closet floor and walked over to shut the door to it. As I walked through the living room I could still hear Susumu's light snores coming from his room. Each time I saw him I couldn't help, but feel the twinge of guilt at abandoning him. It was the little things like this I would miss the most, the comfort and familiarity of my old life.

******

I walked through the desolate pathways of Eitoku feeling an intense loneliness and abandonment. Even wrapped up in a thick coat and scarf I was still cold inside. I can't say that I don't have my doubts about it all, but I can't go back on my decision for anything. Haru stopped attending class on a regular basis. For now, he was obsessed with completing his mission. How many times had I awaken to the sound of him stumbling through my window at odd hours of the night to talk for a few moments and maybe catch a few hours of sleep before going back to work. Most of the time when he showed up, if he did at all, he would only want to talk about me. We basically avoided the topic of the mission. Usually we preferred to focus on what lie ahead spending hours planning our future together thinking of places we would see and the things we would do.

Ever since that night things have been pretty difficult. It was difficult to face F4, especially Doumyouji or Rui. I had already hurt Doumyouji enough as it is. I had apologized about what had happened, but I couldn't shake that look that disappeared off his face the moment I told him I regretted what had happened between us that night. He seemed so hopeful that maybe I would return to him once again, but I quickly dashed his hopes knowing it would be for the better that he give up on me. Deep down in my heart I knew I was lying to myself. I didn't regret it.

I hadn't really spoken to Rui either. He now spent less and less time attending school. I assumed he was now spending most of his time with Shizuka. It was for the better that he wasn't around much. It made it less difficult to face the reality of leaving him. I was happy for him and Shizuka. I realized I was just letting my jealousy take over me in believing Rui would hurt me by using me to get over Shizuka. He would never lie to me. It was enough for me to be loved by him for a minute.

I stopped in front of the heavy steel door with my hand against the knob wondering if he would be there. I thrust the door open and disappointment spread across my face. Looking out into the vast view in front of me all I let the wind swirl around me wrapping me in its cold arms.

"Yo."

"Rui." I turned around to see that cold, dead face. He leaned against the wall with his arms folded across his chest. "I haven't seen you in awhile."

"I've been busy,"

"Oh, Shizuka is what must be keeping you busy. You must be happy that she came back for you. I guess you two will be going back to France soon," I bitterly spit out. Why was I being so defensive? Calm down. Don't let him now you are bothered by this.

"Shizuka and I."

"Tsukushi! Rui! I thought I would find you two here!" Shizuka cheerily chimed in. She stood in the doorway with her natural graceful poise I had always wished I had. She strode forward with her hair swaying back and forth with each step she took. The bottom of her dress flapped in the breeze revealing her long, slim legs. "Oh Tsukushi I'm glad you are here. I wanted to find the right time to ask you this. I think it's only right that you be the first one to know since you've always helped Rui and I so much. We're getting married. The wedding will be in a few months. I want you to be my maid of honor? I don't have many close friends except for F4 and I want you to be a part of it. Tell me you will do it?"

I stood frozen in shock. "Wedding?" I sputtered. Shizuka grasped my hands and looked into mine with such an innocent pleading look. "Yes," I weakly replied. I glared at Rui who now was turned away form us. Was this what he was about to tell me? I could feel the lump in my throat rising. "I'm so happy for you I'm crying," I wiped away a stray tear.

"Shizuka, we have to go," Rui brusquely commanded grabbing onto her arm.

"Thank you, Tsukushi. I will tell you the details later."

Rui quickly ushered Shizuka out the door. He turned around and gave me an apologetic look. "Tsukushi, let me explain."

I cut him off before he could say anything. "Congratulations Hanazawa Rui. You've finally found true happiness. What more could you have to say for yourself. Don't worry I won't ever say anything to Shizuka about your confession to me. I now know I was only a passing fancy. We'll always be friends, though." I forced a smile upon my face holding back the tears once again.

"But."

"But what?! Of all the people to use or betray me I never thought it would be you," I bitterly hissed losing control.

Rui's mask came upon his face. I rarely saw him this angry, but I could tell from the defenses he was putting up. "Don't speak about what you don't know."

"You should go. Your bride to be awaits."

He opened his momentarily to say something, but quickly stopped himself. He dropped his mask revealing a hurt look in his eyes and looked away from me. With his back turned to me he simply shrugged and walked away.

"Tsukushi."

"What?!" I screamed spinning around to find whoever would disturb me at such a moment.

"Haru."

Haru walked up the stairs with is hands dug deep down in his pockets. All the work he had been doing was now beginning to show on his face. His skin was sallow and dark circles were forming under his eyes. When he smiled he no longer showed any signs of youth or life, but it was more a forced smile of someone who was ready to collapse. "I need you to come with me." He reached out his hand to me.

I took his cold hand into my warm one shivering at the iciness that ran through him. I wondered to myself, if he had seen what had just happened, but I dare not. I didn't want to know if he did. Either way one of us would be hurt by that answer. All I needed to feel was his reassuring presence that soon my pain would all be taken away.

We approached the garden and I looked up to see Jin, Fujio and Hana huddled into a little circle. They were all enraptured by their conversation to not notice that I had arrived with Haru.

"Haru!" they all called out at once.

"Tsukushi. What are you doing here," Fujio asked with a wary look in surprise.

I stared at the three men in front of me thinking back to the beginning of the year when I had first met them. Seeing them standing in front of me today, I would never have recognized them as the same people. They had all grown tired and haggard in appearance. They all dressed similarly in black suits with long black overcoats that flailed in the wind. Although Hana's appearance remained polished and pristine as usual. Her hair was tighly wrapped up into a bun and she wore a simple long black dress. From within, she too was showing signs of worry on her face. I could tell everyone was becoming a little unnerved by it all.

"Haru wanted me to come," I replied.

The three of them looked at Haru in surprise wondering why I had been brought along to such a private meeting.

"Haru, what are you doing? I thought you wanted us to meet here to discuss business?" Jin cautiously asked.

Haru stared deadly into them. "She's coming with us after all this over."

Hana's smile instantly dropped from her face. The conversation suddenly switched into Chinese. "What do you mean she is coming?! Do you have any idea what this means?!"she shrilly hissed at him. She ran forward and began pushing him backwards hitting against his chest with her finger.

Fujio pulled Hana away and tried to calm the situation down. "She's not one of us. You know she could never handle it when she finds out the truth. Haru, this is not a game. People will get hurt. What will you do when she finds out the truth about us. I know you love her, but can she ever love you knowing who you really are?"

"He's right. I don't' like this idea at all. It seems to risky. We all know what the mission is and I don't think it's good time to get her involved. There is no guarantee if we will even complete the mission. We haven't even found the right time to strike. All we do is wait for the right time. Look at Hana, she's about to have a nervous breakdown. It's even worse for her than all of us. She's part of the family and we can't even let her in one this mission. All she can do is wait for us to tell her when to go. We can't let someone get in the way of our escape."

I looked on in wonderment by the secretiveness of the situation. I knew why Haru had brought me here now. It was time for me to be informally inducted into the "family". I carefully picked the right words with my limited Chinese skills. "Excuse me. But I think I should have a say in all of this. I know the truth about the past. Yakuza or not I still love Haru for who he is no matter what may come. I've known the entire time who you all are and I accepted you all for who you are now and not who you once were. Haru wants me to come with him and I want to go. Either way I will not back down."

Shock of their sudden realization of my silent secret silenced them all at once.

"You could understand Chinese all along? And you knew about our pasts?" Jin slapped his forehead in disbelief. "I thought I monitored everything enough to maintain our identities as a secret, Haru! You can't just go around telling people about us!"

"Tsukushi is different from other people," he vageuly responded. Haru was now off in his own world. I could tell from his expression he was busy calculating something. "She knows nothing about our family business' dealings, especially not the mission. She knows about as much as Hana does, but she's been there with me through it all. I'm the leader. I say she's coming. There will be no arguments."

He pulled something from his pocket and handed the other three each an envelope. They eyed the piece of paper wondering what this could all mean. Inside there was an invitation to a party.

Haru pulled out his own invitation and opened it up to show me.

"A party? I don't understand"

"It's an invitation to a Christmas Eve celebration being thrown next week by your friend, Shigeru. All of Japan's elite will be there. That is the day we will strike. We now have a cover for an alibi as to our whereabouts. We show up there for a few hours and then disappear towards the end after everyone has become drunk or passed out. No one will remember when we left exactly so they will believe we were there the whole time. At midnight we go to work. Tsukushi and Hana will stay behind at the party. They will cover for our sudden disappearance."

"We've been given a window of opportunity men!" Jin cheered patting Fujio and Haru on the back. "It's the perfect time, Haru!"

"We should go then and alert the others," Fujio pointed out.

"I know you. You two, tell the others. I have some more details to take care of."

Haru turned to me. I was speechless. What did this all mean? Everything was now moving so fast. "Tsukushi, the day has come."

"When will we leave after it's over?" I managed to ask through my shock.

"The next day. December 25."

Before I could say anything they were gone. Fujio and Jin ran to the parking lot and jumped into their black Mercedes leaving the grounds with the sound of their screeching tires. Haru quickly gave me a peck on the cheek and walked off not giving me a chance to say anything. It was now just Hana and me left.

"I don't like this one bit," Hana said with annoyance in her voice. "I believe my brother's motives for doing all this is mostly for you. Don't say I never warned you to stay away. You say you know everything about us, but it I'm afraid that is where your biggest mistake lies. Don't speak about things you don't know a thing about."

Like a whirlwind Hana coldly stormed away. I felt shivers run up and down my spine at her icy attitude. I stood there paralyzed wondering why it felt like everyone was calling me ignorant and foolish. First Rui and now Hana. They both warned me with the exact same words. I could hear both of their voices echoing through my mind, "You don't know."

I stood there paralyzed for the moment lost in my own thoughts watching Hana walk away. Was I really a fool for believing it would be so simple to give up everything and start anew? I wandered around school feeling lost and hopeless wondering if maybe everyone else wasn't the problem. Maybe it was me?

"Tsukushi."

I looked up from my daze feeling exhausted. My brain just wanted to stop functioning. I slumped down on the bench feeling my legs go weak suddenly.

"I'm tired. I just want to give up."

Doumyouji sat down beside me and stared out at the scenery in front of us before letting out a heavy sigh. "You really are a worthless girl. I hate you the most when you are like this."

I looked up at him in shock wondering what justification he could have for being such a jerk suddenly. First Rui, then Hana, and now Doumyouji. Enough was enough. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?!"

He sat up from the bench and bent down over me pushing my back against the cold, steel. "You really are pathetic. What happened to the girl I once knew? The Makino Tsukushi I knew was a weed. She never gave up no matter what. I'm happy that I don't have to deal with you like this!"

I could feel the blood rushing to my head. I clenched my fists seeing them turn white. "What do you know about what I'm going through?! You don't even hold the tiniest part of my life anymore." I pushed him away from me.

"I don't know what problems you are going through, but I know it is eating away at you." He raised his fist in the air and let it fall down onto my head with a light thump before bursting out in laughter. "BAKA! If you have enough energy to fight me then you have enough to get through whatever problems you're having. How can I love such an annoying woman!" He pushed himself up from the ground and walked away waving a hand.

I couldn't help, but smile to myself at that idiot. No matter how many times I've thought to myself how oblivious and selfish Doumyouji was, he could always surprise me by doing something like that. As I watched his retreating figure, I couldn't help but remember all the good memories we shared. I wiped away the single lonely tear that fell down my cheek.

"I love you, too."

He stopped and did not turn around to face me. I watched his body rise while he let out a deep sigh ending with his shoulders slumping down. He dug his hands into his pockets. "If you really do love me then you wouldn't have left me then." Not giving me a chance to say something in return he strode off.

My mouth dropped open. He really has changed. Somewhere in the last few months I had forgotten that I was the one for once to hurt him and not the other way around. I could feel a surge of guilt run through my body. I shook it off knowing that no matter what guilt would always plague me for hurting him. A person will find love many times in their lifetime. In the end, you will say I love you thousands of times, but it's all just words. It is the person you are with that matters. That is one lesson Doumyouji taught me. It's not what you say it's what you do that counts.

I ran towards my class with a renewed energy ready to face the world once again. For once in a long time I felt like my fortune would be taking a turn for the better soon. Remember I am Makino Tsukushi, the weed. Nothing can defeat me.

*****Later at the dango shop ******

"Yuki! Are you there?!"

I frantically waved my hand in front of Yuki, but her face remained in a fixed distant expression. I had been watching her go through the routine of work without once smiling or saying a word to me. It was completely abnormal for her to be that way, which made me really begin to worry. She leaned against the counter resting her chin against her hand vacantly ignoring the customers who I had to serve. After three hours of this it was getting really frustrating to work with her.

"YUKI!"

"Huh?! Where?! Uuumm.I just remembered I have to take out the next batch of cakes from the oven." Her hand slipped out from under her chin and she frantically made a run for the back door.

I grabbed her arm before she could escape and pulled her to face me. "What's wrong? Yesterday you were talking nonstop about Shigeru's party. Today you seem so out of it. Did something happen between you and Soujiro? If he hurt you I swear to God I'll kill him!"

"I'm not going to Shigeru's party." She nodded her head. "It's just become very complicated for us."

"Complicated? I think I know a thing or two about complicated relationships," I laughed bitterly to myself. "I still don't understand why you aren't going. Soujiro's going isnn't he?"

"He is. Just not with me."

"What?!" I fell backwards a little in surprise wondering how he could do that to Yuki. Things were going so well for the two of them.

"He wanted to take me, but since his parents are going to be there it'll be impossible. They've arranged a date for him. I can't just stand by and watch him with another woman while I am alone."

I looked on at Yuki seeing a reflection of the person I once was. That was the last thing I ever wanted for my friend. Although I had to admit Soujiro was good for Yuki and vice versa, social status would always be a looming problem over their heads. Were they strong enough to beat the odds?

Ring.

I turned my head away from a crying Yuki to greet the new customers.

"Welcome!"

"Hey oneesan! Look who I bumped into one the way here."

From behind a grinning Susumu stepped in Hana and Jin. I was a little taken aback at the fact that Hana would come here after the confrontation earlier. Their faces were solemn and I swallowed down that lump in my throat fearing the worst.

"Hey Tsuksuhi!" Jin waved. He leaned against the counter peering at the many colorful cakes like a little kid drooling. "I think someone over there has something to say to you," he whispered to me.

"Hello. Tsukushi," Hana said in a quiet voice. She stared down at the ground with fascination not letting her eyes meet mine. "Do you think we can talk privately?"

"Sure." I walked out from behind the counter and took a seat opposite of her at a table in the back corner. I patiently waited for her to say something letting her make the first move since she was the one who wanted to talk.

"Tsukushi, I wanted to apologize about earlier. I don't want you to take it the wrong way, but I was just a little hurt that Haru didn't tell me about you coming along with us and everything else. There are very few people in this world outside of the family that know about us. They would have used that information against us. I was worried you might be one of them. You knew everything about us this entire time?"

"I found out a few months ago actually. I made Haru tell me the truth after the incident between Doumyouji, Haru and I. I would never do anything to hurt Haru. I haven't said a word to anyone about your pasts because it is not my place to judge."

"Do you really love my brother?"

I nodded my head. "Why else would I agree to go with him? I would give up everything I love for him."

Hana's solemn face slowly lifted. She got up form her seat and wrapped her arms around my neck hugging me tight. "I can see why my brother fell for you. It'll be nice having another girl around."

We got up from the table and Hana wrapped her arm around mine as we approached Yuki, Susumu, and Jin.

"How about it Yuki? It's such a shame a pretty girl like you stay home and miss the event of the year."

I suspiciously eyes Jin leaning over the counter whispering to Yuki. A flash of crimson was painted across her cheeks. "What are you doing to my friend, Jin?!"

"Nothing. I was just asking Yuki if she wanted to be my date for Shigeru's party."

"What?! You can't take her. She's already got a boyfriend, Soujiro."

"Well what kind of man is too afraid to stand up to his parents and take the girl he wants? Come on Yuki," he chided. "I know you'll be the center of everyone's attention. I can't show up without a beautiful woman on my arm. Since your boyfriend isn't man enough to take you then I will. You shouldn't' have to miss the party just because of him. Why not make him madly and insanely jealous? Fight fire with fire."

"Uuummm..ok. I guess," Yuki smiled falling prey to Jin's smooth talk.

"Great! You won't regret this." Jin beamed in satisfaction of having talked her into going.

I grabbed Jin by the ear and pulled him down close to me. "If you try anything with her I will hunt you down like the dog you are."

Hana laughed at my threats and loosened her arm from mine. She pulled Jin away from the me and quietly whispered something into his ear. His face suddenly turned pale and the cheerful, smile on his face faded. He walked back and through the corner of his eye watching Hana's reaction. "Tsukushi I promise I will be a perfect gentleman upon accompanying Miss Yuki. Scouts honor." He traced a cross against his heart and raised one hand in a solemn pledge.

"Well now that everything's settled here I think Jin and I should go." She walked over to Jin and scruffed him by the collar to drag him away.

"I'll pick you up at 6 Yuki!" Jin winked to Yuki as he was being dragged out the door.

"Let's go Romeo," Hana laughed. "Oh Susumu, about before. My answer is yes." She broke out into a giant grin and waved a goodbye.

I watched Jin struggling to free himself from Hana's grip and laughed to myself as they passed the window. In a way, I had to respect Hana's fierce protectiveness over her brother. I feel the same way when it comes to Susumu. Now that things were better between us I felt a heavy weight lifted off of me. Everything was going to be fine. Even perfect maybe.

I turned my attention to a dazed Susumu who dreamily stared out the window.

I poked him on the shoulder jolting him out of his daze. "Yes to what?"

"I asked her to be my date for the party," he slyly grinned before slipping off into his distant dream world.

I turned to Yuki whose demeanor had made a complete 360 degree turn. She was humming to herself now as she folded boxes. Susumu continued staring blankly at nothing with a dreamy look in his eyes. I couldn't help but feel a little euphoric myself.