Ties Together

Part 8~Burn Out

Lucky Star

She didn't enjoy sitting on the bar stool in the bar full of ugly old fat men.  They glared and sneered at her passing sly comments about her appearance now and then.  The comments had slowed after she knocked out the guy who commented about the scar that ran down her back.  The words rang in her head, 'So you like it rough?  I can show you good night then.'  He smiled at her through his broken teeth and his arm rested on her upper thigh.  It didn't stay there much longer.  He crawled away with a broken arm and rib.  After that most of the men backed off and let her drink herself into oblivion.  She didn't really want to fight; all her body craved at that moment was alcohol to subdue her pain.

She didn't like drinking, even after all these years she still felt its bitter taste burn in her stomach and make her queasy.  Even then she let the cool liquid slip down the back of her throat.  It allowed for an escape, a way out.  She started drinking almost right after she woke up from freezing.  Alcohol had been the only stable thing in her life since her awakening.  Alcohol was her best friend, the one "person" who understood all her pain and the "one" who stood by her through thick and thin.

She sat now with vodka.  She hated vodka the most, it was hard and sour but it was the one that numbed the pain the best.  She looked at the empty glass.  She couldn't even count the number of times she had found comfort in an empty glass of alcohol.  Even when she was broke she could sway her hips and afford a glass at any bar.  No bartender was immune to her charms.

She saw the bartender walk over and refill her glass.  He stared at her for a moment and then asked the typical bartender question.

"Wanna talk about it?"

She held her glass with the tips of her fingers and looked him in the eye.  Under other circumstances she may have found him attractive, but not with Spike on her mind.

"If I wanted to talk about it, I would call you over."  She looked away and waited for him to leave but he was persistent.

"I'm just concerned.  I mean beautiful women like you shouldn't be in shit holes like these."

"Oh, and what makes you think I'm so beautiful?  I'll tell you right now that I'm not beautiful.  I'm ugly.  I'm uglier than the dirt on the streets."  She quickly tilted her head back and as fast as he had poured her drink it was gone.

"Who told you that?"

"That's something you don't need to be told.  You kind of figure it out as you go along," she paused and waited for him to refill her drink.  It was too much to tell without something numbing her senses.  He quickly poured the vodka and waited for her to continue.  The only problem was she didn't know where to start.  She had gone around the in the same circle so many times she had forgotten where the start and finish were.

"I guess my biggest mistake was falling in love.  I loved him with my entire heart.  I loved him more than I loved my life," she looked down and tried to force the tears to leave her eyes and return to the perils within her.

"So, he left you for someone else?"  She looked up and laughed.  It would have been easier if he had left her for someone else instead of that damn memory of her.

"I wish he had.  He left me for some sick memory of his first love.  It took him one night to realize that I couldn't be half the women she was and kicked me to the curb."

"Harsh.  What did he say?"  His questions were prying but she didn't know her limits with so much alcohol in her and continued to spin her tale.

"He said I didn't belong with him.  That there was someone else out there for me," she held up the glass and took a long sip.  The burning felt good.

"Who'd he say you belonged with?"

She smiled before replying, "Some guy I thought I loved along time ago.  I didn't love him, ever.  He hurt me too bad for me to ever forgive him, but even then he wanted me with him.  The guy nearly killed me and he said that I belonged with him."

"Seriously, I mean there has to be some truth for him to take it that far."

 "I don't know anymore."  She closed her eyes and leaned her head on the palms of her hands.

"Did you really love this guy?"

"Yeah.  I did, with all my heart.  He's worth more than my life.  But it doesn't matter, he doesn't want me anyways.  It just proves everything that anyone I've ever known has told me, that I'm gonna die alone…"  She closed her eyes and let a single tear run down her cheek.  She hated crying. "I hope that covers my bill," she said as she got up and put her red jacket.  She didn't turn around for an answer as she left the shabby bar.

~

She sat on the bench in the crowded street.  It was late but the hustle of mars had people still moving.  There was an all night fair down the street and in the good neighborhoods of mars it was safe to walk around at one in the morning.  She observed the fathers and mothers carrying their sleeping children to their warm beds in their large houses.  She wondered if old Earth had such fairs.  She wondered if her family used to go to those fairs.  She wondered if her father would pick her up and carry her to their home.  She would never know fully.  She would never know what her life was like before the accident.

She looked away from the people and watched a street light flicker.  Her life was flickering.  With each flash from the street light she saw a piece of a memory.  She felt a hug or heard her name called by people she had once loved.  It was not the way the scientists described she would get her memories back.  They made it appear as though her memories would come back in an old Earth movie form.  She would sit with her popcorn and watch the events of her life unfold from the third person.  Instead they were flashes and fragments.  She would hear a name and feel a touch but never more.  She rarely saw a face and when she did it was blurred.  The tears flowed freely as each snippet of a memory flashed before her eyes and then dimmed like the light.  Finally the light burned out and Faye lay down on the bench and let herself burn out.

~

Rising in the east
And fading in the west
To the north and to sleep
At the close of day
The flame goes out
Only char left in the grate
Do you in dying become
But a name
I can see you're worn down
The weight upon your shoulders
All the joy you once had
Now is gone
Can't find what you wanted
Feeling lost in turmoil
Will you finally
Be free
~Out into the cold night
Stare into the dark sky
Do you sleep forever
Or burn alive
Or linger in the half light
Fade into the dark night
Do you find contentment
Do you find your peace
~Rising in the east
And fading in the west
To the north and to sleep
At the close of day
The flame goes out
Only char left in the grate
Do you in dying become
But a name
~Out into the cold night
Stare into the dark sky
Do you sleep forever
Or burn alive
Or linger in the half light
Fade into the dark night
Do you find contentment
Do you find your peace

~

She stumbled into the ship.  She wasn't drunk anymore simply unaware of her movements.  She didn't care that the black lines from her eye liner streaked her face.  She didn't have anyone anyways.  It didn't matter; she wasn't going to stay long.  She'd tell Jet thanks and hit the road in her redtail.

'Lie.  You'll never leave.  As much as you say you will.  You'll never do it.  Just being by him makes you feel complete, even if when he looks at you all he feels is disgust.  Even if when he looks at you he hates himself'

She quickly opened the door to her room and closed it.  She was afraid of the voice inside her head.  It told the truth.  No matter what he said she still wanted to be by him.  She hated hangovers.  They made her feel crazy.

She changed her clothes and wiped her face removing the makeup stains from her porcelain skin.  She couldn't let Spike know how much he had hurt her.  She wouldn't let him win.

"When'd you get back?"  It was Jet.  He walked into the kitchen and then continued, "Dinner's going to be ready in a few.  Oh yeah, something came for you.  The posting was already paid so I accepted it."

"Thanks Jet," her voice was a whisper as she sat on the yellow couch and noticed the yellow envelope on table.  It was probably some debt collector asking for his money.  She sighed on dumped the contents of the packet onto the table.  Four pictures fell out and a note.  She felt the tears and soon felt them running down her face.  They were in focus.  They were of her family.

There was a man and he had large blue eyes and purple hair like her.  In his arms was a little girl with matching hair and green eyes.  There was a woman next to the man with the same big green eyes as the girl and long blonde hair.  The blonde hair also belonged to a little boy who had blue eyes like the older man.  The boy and girl were twins but people always said they were opposites.   She picked up another picture.  This time the boy and girl were standing together grinning.  Each child was missing their front two teeth.  She had lost her teeth first and the boy was jealous so he pulled them out too.  The third picture was of the girl sitting on the older man's lap.  The man was wearing a large red suit and a fake white beard.  It was Christmas and she could see the tree covered with decorations.  The last one was of a girl maybe sixteen wearing a large pink dress that fit her upper body and then poofed.  There was boy next to her.  He had brown hair and matching brown eyes and wore a black tux with penguin tails.    Next to the two of them was another couple.  The boy had blonde hair and blue eyes and wore a black tux similar to the other one.  The girl wore a long blue dress and had red hair that was pulled into a bun.  It was the night of their first prom.  She closed her eyes as her head began to pound.  Remembering made her hurt.  It made her feel even more incomplete because she would never truly feel those emotions again.

She picked up the last picture, the one of her before her prom.  She could see the hope in the young girl's eyes.  Hope that no longer existed in the Faye she was today.  The hope had become somewhere lost inside her and refused to return.  Her happiness resided there too.  Maybe she been so happy in that life happiness was denied to her in this one.  She did have two lives.  It was apparent in that picture.  She was only a few years older when she was in the accident but she was still innocent.  That Faye never knew of pain or hurt.  Her life was beautiful and full of opportunity.  That Faye could be anything her heart desired.  That Faye could love anyone and have their love in return.  That Faye but not this Faye.  She was different.  Her life would never be beautiful, and the rare moments in which she might actually believe it might be beautiful would be ripped from her, causing more pain than before.  This Faye had no choice in her life and what it became.  She was merely a pawn in a large game.  She wondered if the other Faye still lived inside of her.  Maybe she was buried deep inside along with her happiness and hope.  Maybe that Faye had returned when Spike was with her.  Maybe that Faye would have been able to make Spike love her.  Maybe…

She picked up the note and read it over.  The words "If you want more, come see me," were all that was written.

"What did you get?"  It was Spike.  She quickly crumpled up the note and tried to scoop up the pictures but one fell out and landed at Spike's feet.  He picked it up and then looked at her.  It was the one of all of them standing together.  "It's your family."  She had never heard such sweet words, 'her family.'  She wasn't alone.  She tried to remain calm and she simply nod her head but instead she broke down into sobs and closed her eyes tight trying to stop the tears.  She felt Spike wrap his arms around her and she felt some hope.  Maybe that Faye was still inside.

She continued to sob and Spike continued to hold her saying it was alright.  She hated that he talked to her like nothing had happened.  She hated that he would even touch her after what had happened.  How could he pretend like nothing happened?  But even then she let the moment live.  She just needed someone at that instant in time.  The other Faye needed someone to give her hope.

~

"Do you remember anything?"  It was Spike again.  They had stood in that embrace for what seemed like hours and had some how ended up side by side on the large yellow couch staring at the four gateways into her past in silence.  His voice disrupted her silence and made her recall her surroundings.

She closed her eyes, his voice was smooth and clear.  He acted like nothing had happened between the two of them.  Like old times.  She tried to talk but her voice had retreated to the darkest corners of Faye and was no where to be found, along with her pride.

"I…" she began but she didn't know what to say.  She didn't want to get close to him.  She wanted him to whisper it would be okay but she didn't want him to think that he could do something like that to her and then simply act like it never happened.  She had some pride.  Or at least she believed she did.  The only thing that made her feel like she didn't was the fact that all she wanted was to look into his mismatched eyes and tell him everything like that night.  But she couldn't.  That isn't what he wanted, even if that was all she died for, "I still don't remember."  It wasn't a total lie.  She didn't remember anything.  Just those few scenes from around the pictures.

"Was there a note or anything?  Did it say who it was from?"

"I can't do this Spike.  I can't live with you being hot and cold.  I can't live with you liking me one minute and then hating me the next.  I just can't."  She got up but he grabbed her wrist and stood next to her.

"I don't hate you.  I never did," he looked down and then continued, "Faye, can't it be the way like it was before?"

"Spike, it can never be that way.  Things can't always stay the same.  It doesn't matter how much we want them to.  It's all part of life."  She pulled away from her grip and wiped her tears.  He always made her cry.  She retreated to her room with her pictures and spread them out on her bed.

All she wanted was Spike but she knew she couldn't have him.  She pulled out the crumpled piece of paper.  At least she could have a past.  It was one or the other for Spike.  A past or present, there was a choice.  He chose his past, of course.  A memory of Julia was enough to last him an eternity.  But for Faye there was no choice.  She would give up her past for Spike.

A hazy memory of that night came to her mind.  She remembered her head lying on his heart and she told him something before they both slipped off into their dreams.

"I'd give it all up for you Spike.  Just to hear you say my name like you say her's.  I'd stop everything.  I'd even give up my past for you Spike.  I'd do anything."  Her voice had been a husky whisper and she wasn't sure if Spike was awake or not but she had to tell him.  She had to let him know how much he mattered to her.

She had agreed to start over with him.  But that wasn't what he wanted.  It wasn't enough.  It never would be.  All he wanted was his past so all she would try to find was her's.  She sat down on her bed and felt the emptiness inside of her bring tears.  It felt like all she did was cry.

~song credit "Burn Out" by Ash

*sorry it took sooo long to get another chapter up (just been really busy with school and standardized tests) I hope the next one will be up faster but I don't know if I'll be able to (we r starting the big lab in chem! and taking some some more standardized tests!)

*Anways thanks to everyone that reviewed (definitely my heroes and inspiration!)

*Please be kind and rewind, no wait, I mean review!