Ties Together
Part 9~Dazed and Confused
Lucky Star
She was gone again.
He sat in the hanger staring at the place her beat up red-tail had been standing. He was shocked that she could even fly it anymore. He remembered finding it in a bad neighborhood of Mars, near the syndicate headquarters now that he thought about it. He remembered the words "whore" and "slut" spray painted on the ship along with other similar words. The body as well as the engine was pretty beaten up, too. Jet, though, was a mechanical genius and had somehow fixed it enough to fly. Faye said the words sprayed on the body didn't matter but he and Jet still spent a few hours trying to remove the heinous words but gave up when the hours became late. He remembered walking past the hanger later in the night and seeing Faye sit there with a brush in her hand, a few tears streamed down her face. She only said she didn't care, it really killed her inside.
What the hell was he doing here? Why was all he could do sit there and stare at the empty place in the hanger? What was holding him there?
"Where do you think she went?" Jet's deep voice interrupted his introspection.
"Drinking, I guess. It really doesn't matter to me," he shrugged his shoulders and pulled out a cigarette. He really needed a smoke.
"Spike, it's really none of my business what goes on between you and Faye but don't ruin the only good thing in your life. You might regret it later," Jet turned to walk out but Spike's voice stopped him.
Spike got up from his slouched position on the floor, "I don't know what you're talking about Jet. There is nothing going on between me and Faye."
"Spike, I don't know what kind of idiot you take me for but it's obvious. I mean I'm not blind. I have noticed the way you don't look into her eyes anymore. I do notice the silence that has taken over this ship. And I'm not just talking about after you slept with her. This has been going on for a while."
"Jet, just don't. Things don't always seem like they are."
"Some things are just like they seem Spike," Jet glanced down before continuing, "And what about the bruises on her back, Spike."
"I didn't mean to, it just…it just happened" he lowered his gaze. He himself wasn't satisfied with his half ass explanation for his actions, "I thought we already discussed this." He put his hands in his pockets taking in a long needed breath of nicotine.
"You're lucky she was willing to take you after that Spike. It takes a lot for a woman to be willing to let her pride go like that. Trust me Spike; this stuff doesn't happen to everyone. I guess she just really cares about you. I don't want to see you miss out on a second chance Spike."
"Jet, seriously, it's not like that," he began to move towards the hallway but Jet's hand stopped him. It was his real arm, not the steel one, that held him back.
"Just because you have a bad dream doesn't mean you stop dreaming Spike," Jet removed his hand from Spike's shoulder and allowed him to pass.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"You'll figure it out sooner or later. I'm hoping you figure it out before it's too late."
Spike shook his head and headed towards the large yellow couch and the television.
~
It was late as Spike continued to watch the static on the TV. He couldn't remember how long he had been sitting there with his feet propped up on the coffee table and his tie loosely hanging around his neck but he knew it had been for too long. He closed his eyes and allowed for a restless sleep to overtake his body.
~
"You love me right Spike?" Her voice was like music to his ears. He had been dieing for her to say his name all night. She sat now on top of him, her legs straddling his waist and she periodically went in for kisses from his thin lips.
"I love you more than words can explain." Her lips curved into a devilish smile as she began to leave a trail of kisses down his neck.
"I know you do Spike." He traced the outline of her body with the tips of his fingers. She was softer than any silk or satin ever created. He loved having her soft skin brush against his, it made him feel alive.
He rolled over and now she lay under him. Her golden locks spread across the pillow perfectly.
"Let's run away Julia. Far far away from here. We can go somewhere where Vicious will never find us and we can be together without ever fearing anyone or anything. We can hold hands and kiss in front of people and never fear what could happen. We could be happy," his eyes were glazed over with a vision of what his life could be like if Julia agreed. They could move to Venus or somewhere on Earth where the meteors didn't hit. Anywhere but Mars.
He blinked and the vision of his future disappeared and all he saw was Julia's almond shaped blue eyes panic.
"We can't do that Spike. I mean Vicious will catch us. I know he will."
"No one can stop love, Julia. I don't care if Vicious comes after us with an army of billions. As long as we have each other we'll be safe."
She had moved from his embrace and sat on the side of the bed. Her long lean legs hung off and her shoulders sagged. She was holding something back. Something wasn't right.
"You do love me Julia. Right?" He got out of bed and stood in front of her. She was so beautiful.
There was confusion in her eyes and maybe fear but he couldn't tell.
"You love me, right Julia?" still all he saw was confusion in her eyes, "Julia, please tell me you love me." He sat on his knees and placed his hands on her shoulder. She slowly shook her head. His world was suddenly falling apart.
"You don't love me?" His voice quivered, as he felt a tear drop run down the side of his face.
"I don't know Spike. I just don't know," she paused for a moment and Spike would have given anything to hear her thoughts. Instead her lips curved into that devilish smile once again and the words just flowed from her mouth, "I was just fooling you Spike. Of course I feel it." She kissed his lips again all the while her lips were in a mischievous grin.
He put his head in her lap. If she had said she didn't love him he would have died. He was willing to die in her arms. He almost wished she would just kill him so he wouldn't have to fear about their future, "Julia, I love you more than my life."
She ran her hands through his hair. "I know," she whispered hoarsely while lifting his head and kissing him passionately.
Even then a little voice in the back of his head asked why she hadn't said the words I love you. A voice in the back of his head told him that she really did love Vicious.
"Julia, tell me you love me. Just say the words," Spike looked up to find her eyes staring off into space and her finger tracing invincible circles on his chest.
"It's late Spike. Go to sleep." She closed her eyes and laid her head down on the pillow and signaling Spike to lie next to her. She rested her head on his chest and slowly drifted off. Spike lay awake, he couldn't sleep, his mind was racing too fast with thoughts of Vicious, him, and his beloved Julia.
**
~
He woke up to Ed jumping on his stomach.
"Spike-person, where did Faye-Faye go?"
He pushed her aside and stood up putting a cigarette in his mouth. All he did now was smoke. That and have screwed up half baked dreams. He took the cigarette out of his mouth and put it away. Maybe it was the cigarettes that were causing him to have those dreams, the cigarettes were Faye's.
"I don't know where she is and my name is Spike not Spike-person." He stood up and stretched his lanky arms. He needed to get out. He felt like he was a rat in a cage or something. He needed some excitement; it had been a while since some big bounty had come along.
"Did Spike and Faye-persons get in a fight?"
He looked at the little orange haired monster that was sitting on the couch now. "Why do you think me and Faye had a fight?"
He saw Ed's eyes wander the room before they quickly glanced into his and then towards the television. "Ed-person heard Spike-person and Faye-Faye arguing through the wall. Ed-person doesn't like it when Spike-person and Faye-Faye fight. When Faye-Faye and Spike-person have a sleep over they are MUCH nicer to Ed. Spike-person and Faye-Faye should have more sleep overs. Plus Ed knows that Faye-Faye really likes Spike-person. Does Spike-person really like Faye-Faye?"
Spike took a deep breath, sleep over. So even Ed knew about his dealings with Faye, no dealing, it had only happened once.
He sat down on the couch and placed his head in his hands. How did he answer a question like that? He didn't even know what was going on inside of him anymore so how was he supposed to explain it to Ed. He closed his eyes and found his thoughts drift to Faye and Julia, the only women he had ever cared for in his life.
They were different, that much he knew. Faye was someone you think you could live without but as the hours pass you realize she might have been the best thing that happened to you. She would have been the best thing to ever happen to him but he had met Julia instead. Julia was his life, not Faye. People like Faye made you want to run but eventually you realize that you're running in a circle and you're going to find a way back in the end. People like Julia; they were the ones who ran. These people didn't run on tracks, they were free spirits and once they leave, all you can do is pray and hope that they are planning on coming back or you could spend you entire life waiting for them. He was waiting for Julia to come running back. That was why he couldn't go back to Faye. Julia was coming back to him. He knew it and yet he felt like he was running back to Faye right in that moment.
Spike sighed and finally decided to reply Ed's question, "Spike-person doesn't know if he really likes Faye-Faye or not right now." He stood up and lightly hit his hand to his head, now he was talking in Ed.
"Faye-Faye has been really sad for a really long time. Ed didn't like it when Faye-Faye was sad, it made her very scared. Faye-Faye didn't even yell anymore when Ed went through her private drawer. And then Faye-Faye began acting like she was Faye-Faye again, but Ed could see that Faye-Faye still wasn't Faye-Faye. Ed could still see the sad in her eyes. But when Spike-person is with Faye-Faye she isn't sad anymore, she is happy. When Faye-Faye is with Spike-person she smiles. Spike-person should be with Faye-Faye," and with that Ed hopped out the room to find her tomato leaving Spike standing in the middle of the room stunned at the depth of what Ed just said.
All of sudden things weren't black and white. It wasn't as easy as 'I love Faye' or 'I love Julia.' It was more now. It wasn't just what made him happy; it was what made Faye happy too. He sighed; he had never been so confused in his life.
~
Been Dazed and Confused for so long it's not true.
Wanted a woman, never bargained for you.
Lots of people talk and few of them know,
soul of a woman was created below.
You hurt and abuse tellin' all of your lies.
Run around sweet baby, Lord how they hypnotize.
Sweet little baby, I don't know where you've been.
Gonna love you baby, here I come again.
Every day I work so hard, bringin' home my hard earned pay
Try to love you baby, but you push me away.
Don't know where you're goin', only know just where you've been,
Sweet little baby, I want you again.
Been dazed and confused for so long, it's not true.
Wanted a woman, never bargained for you.
Take it easy baby, let them say what they will.
Will your tongue wag so much when I send you the bill?
~
"Just sign on the line Faye and it will all be over. I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know," he pointed to a thick slab of paper sitting on an unsteady desk in the middle of a rusted abandoned warehouse, "Your life is worth your past-isn't it?"
She stood close to the door, ready to run if anything happened.
"And if I sign then my debt will be gone, every penny?"
"That's correct; a debt collector will never come to your door again. And you'll know where you come from, who you are. You can finally belong," his lips curved and again he pointed to the papers.
"I can pay off my debt without your help," she turned to walk out but his voice stopped her.
"What about your memories? Are they not worth it?"
She stopped and thought, "I will eventually regain my memories. It'll just take some time. I don't need your help."
"Is that right. All of a sudden we have a backbone," he laughed and then continued, "And what about Spike? Hmm…are you not concerned for him? I mean even after all he did to you, you still love him. You love him more than your life, with all your heart, isn't that right?"
"How did you find that out?" She glanced again at the door but turned her body to face the monster before her.
"Doesn't take a lot to make you talk now does it Miss Valentine? You only had what three or four drinks that night and you could barley hold in all that you wanted to say. Didn't your mother ever tell you not to talk to strangers? Especially strangers that work for me. Wait, you don't remember your mother, now do you?" His lips curled again and his grin sent shivers down her spine. She hated that look, the look of victory. How could she have been so stupid, she should have known he would know where she was, what she was doing.
"What are you going to do?"
"Well, you see it seems that Spike is very naive. He thinks he can hide in that ship and I don't know where he is. He thinks he has successfully run away. No one runs away from the syndicate," he stopped and took a step towards Faye, "You of all people know that. And now all I'm doing is waiting for the right moment to remind Spike that I'm still here and that I'm still waiting for him."
"Stay away from Spike. This is between me and you. Don't bring him into this."
"That is where you are wrong. It's all about Spike; everything I do is because of Spike. Everything."
"And if I sign it?" Her voice quivered as she thought of Vicious owning her life, her soul, her body.
"If you sign it, it's all over. Spike took something of mine and now I take something of his. It is that simple. And I am such a good man I will erase your debt and give you your memories. All you have to do is sign." He took another step towards her and held out a pen.
Her mind was spinning; her life for Spike's was what it came down to. That was what Vicious was offering. She took the pen with a firm grip praying her hand would be steady enough to sign on the line. She felt the tears fill her eyes as she signed the papers. She couldn't cry, that would show weakness and she was anything but weak.
"You have 24 hours to get your things and return here. And if you tell anyone about this, I will kill Spike and everyone else on that hell hole you call a ship," He picked up the papers and looked into her light green eyes, "It's almost fitting this way isn't it? Spike did say that you belong with me and that is the way it will be, forever."
She stepped out the door and ran to her beat up red tail. The words sprayed on the side were even more prominent in the dark light of the distant moon. Or maybe she could only read them more easily because now they were true.
She climbed in and took off. She didn't know where she was going but once she knew she wasn't being followed she parked and put her face in her hands. The tears could be held no longer and ran down the sides of her face.
What had she done? Maybe she was nothing but weak. A strong person would have fought, and she ran. She tilted her head back and closed her eyes trying to force the tears to stop but the word forever kept repeating in her head.
~
He kicked the punching bag again. He found himself spending more and more time in the small workout area on the Bebop. He took the back of his palm and wiped off the droplets of sweat that formed on his forehead. He lifted his leg and quickly made contact with the bag again.
He stepped back holding his leg in agony and pain. Working out usually cleared his mind but when Faye and Julia were the only things on his mind nothing could clear it. Working out would become hazardous to his health if he kept injuring himself.
He leaned on the wall behind him and slowly slid to the floor. He remembered being in the exact same position when he decided to leave Faye. And now he was thinking of taking her back.
He was wrong. He knew it, Faye knew it, Jet knew it, even Ed knew it. His mind began to wander and as always it went to that which was important to him, Faye and Julia.
It was true that Faye and Julia were two totally different people, opposite ends of a compass, north and south. He was the arrow always pointing north. For almost all of his life Julia was north but not now. Faye was north and Julia was south. When the compass went from north to south the needle would quickly move back to north. No matter how hard you try, the needle on the compass would always point north, never south. He should have known this by now. He had spun around so many times trying to point the needle south but instead it always went back to north, back to Faye.
Faye was simple yet complex. You could look at her and think you know everything about her but there's another world she has inside, one she keeps hidden, one she fears will be found. That world is beautiful, Faye was beautiful.
Faye was not Julia beautiful; she was beautiful in her own essence. Julia came from money and it was visible in every aspect of her. Faye was different, she didn't come from money or class but when she smiled, she glowed. When Faye smiled she was the most beautiful women he had ever seen. When Faye smiled he forgot about Julia.
He shook his head trying to rid the thoughts of Faye but they kept coming back. He closed his eyes and he could feel her soft skin against his hands and he could smell the light scent of jasmine that always followed her around. If he closed his eyes he could see her before him and he could feel her delicate lips graze his.
He remembered what Faye said, that Julia was only using him. He sighed as he remembered that night from his dreams. She never said the words, all she did was kiss his lips and drift off to sleep with her head on his chest. He closed his eyes remembering his dream. It wasn't just a dream. It was real, it had all happened. He remembered the next day Julia coming back to see him, that was when she told Spike she wanted to run away. He remembered Julia's eyes were red and swollen like she had been crying for hours. Maybe she had confronted Vicious about his many girlfriends, about Faye. Maybe Vicious had said he wasn't willing to give it all up for her. Maybe Julia realized that the next best thing to having Vicious all to herself was having his best friend.
He didn't like seeing Julia in such a light, but it could be true. It made sense how she always left him as soon as Vicious called her cell. It explained how she never said she loved him. It explained how she always came to him upset. It explained how she never dreamt of a future like his. It explained everything.
He shook his head trying to rid himself of such thoughts. He didn't want to believe it. He didn't want to believe that the women he had spent the last three years idolizing was a fake, everything they shared false, a façade. The belief on which he had founded his life on was gone. There was nothing left except the ruins from his dreams.
He had known all along. Deep down inside it was undeniable, nothing could hide the truth. Maybe that was why he pushed Faye away, not because of his love for Julia but his fear of being used again. His fear that Faye was using him like Julia did. But Faye was different, that was what he had failed to see.
He sighed, he had spent so much time thinking about what he had lost he forgot to see what he had gained, Faye. Jet's wisdom came back to him, 'because you have a bad dream doesn't mean you stop dreaming.' Julia was his bad dream and he had finally woken up. He was still alive, and Faye was the reason. Faye had said those words, the words he was willing to die for when they came from Julia's mouth. Faye was willing to do anything for his love, to know that she was in his heart.
She had her faults, that much was true. But she had her heart, and she had her smile. That was all he needed. All he could do was pray that she was willing to take him back.
~song credit: Led Zeppelin
Sorry for the long wait but I've been really busy. Hope everyone likes it. Hopefully the next part will be out soon! Thanks for reviewing!
