Chapter 9: Lex is Useless

Okay, say asking Lex for advice is, like asking Clark why he wears leather pants if he can't walk in them. The answer makes sense, but it's not what you're hoping for. So we try our next option. Good Ol' Ma Kent. She wouldn't refuse help to a poor unfortunate soul, like myself

[hums]Those poor unfortunate souls, it's sad, but true...[stops]

I really need to stop watching those Disney films. My life is turning into one long musical! It's a little disturbing...I swear, just as I was about to ask Clark to the prom, I heard John Mayer's 'No Such Thing'. I'd swear to it!!! And y'know, that's exactly what I felt like doing...running through the halls of my highschool. But that's just my delusional mind.

*knockknockknock* [whistles] I'm knocking on heavens door, knock knock knockin on heavens door...[whistling stops]

That's Bob Dylan, isn't it.

Actually, it was Bob Dylan's, I was whistling the Guns 'N Roses version to myself, but I don't suppose you can tell when it's whistling, can you? OMI...was I just flirting with Mrs. Kent???

Did you say something dear?

No, no.

Would you like to come in?

Yeah sure. Knock it off Chlo, she's straight and married, and 30 years your senior. That didn't stop Celine Dion did it? Well no, but she's your best friends mother. Well at least it's not my mothers best friend.

Are you all right Chloe, you seem a little pre-occupied.

No nothing, I'm fine Mrs. Kent, I just...well I've got some problems with my love-life, and I can't talk to my dad about them, and Lex was no help, what with Clark licking his ear the whole damn time-

Excuse Me???

Ooooops...that wasn't bright Chloe. Default million-dollar smile.

Well, it's not like I didn't already know Clark was gay. I mean, when he asked me to sell his jeans and flannel so he could buy leather pants and fishnet shirts, I kind of figured that out. You know, I always wondered what he did while he had no clothes in his closet.

Oh, he went over to Lex's and they had sex in the pool. I don't know Mrs. Kent, maybe he played hooky and stayed in his room all day.

Well, I suppose I should tell Bo.

Bo???

Sorry, Jonathan. So many people have started calling him Bo that I picked it up. It's a Dukes of Hazard reference. Jonathan absolutely loves that show. You know, he looks just like Bo, so I guess that's where it comes from. Anyway, I'm going on. Why don't you have some pie and tell me what's bothering you.

*they both walk into the kitchen humming the Dukes of Hazard theme to themselves*

So,-I-have-a-thing-for-Lana,-and-then-I-kissed-Clark,-and-now-Lana-is-mad-at-me-but-it-didn't-mean-anything-and-I-just-want-her-back-what-can-I-do-I-don't-know-if-I-can-live-without-her-Mrs.-Kent-this-is-going-to-drive-me-crazy!

Calm down, and eat your pie and explain to me what happened.

Well, I'm bi right, and I have this sorta...thing for Lana, and she likes me back, and then I kissed Clark, just because everyone was talking about me and Lana-

Lana and I.

Lana and I, and I just wanted to shut them up, so I kissed Clark in the lunchroom, and then Shaun told Lana before I did, and he made it sound like we were having sex on the table, which we weren't, by the way. And then I went up o tell Lana, and because Clark's goddam pants were too tight, he could run any faster, and Shaun got there first, and Mrs. Kent, I really- I need help, because I think that I'm going to go crazy without Lana. I really am.

Well, it's about time those meteors took their toll on you lot. My generation had to deel with it.

Excuse me, huh?

~*A/N *oooh...a cliffy*

*Sorry I ripped off so many things, but that's what happens when you listen to Weird Al. I think I credited everyone in the text though. If I didn't you can sue me for rights to this story, if you really want it, cuz it's really all that I own!*~