Title: Murderer's Touch
Author: I_nv_u50
Rating: PG13
Disclaimer/Claimer: Do I really have to say it again?
Warning: Slash!! Whee!!
Author's Notes: I seem to be no better at writing angst than I was before O.o; Ah well…. Don't really like this chapter, but eh. I'll rewrite it later if it gets enough complaints. Hope you like it!! ^^ …. And don't get too mad at poor Kylan. He's just seriously messed up (cuddles Kylan) He wouldn't be him if he didn't mistrust everything up to the point of hysterics before giving in completely :D … and yes, that was a spoiler, of sorts…
Read, enjoy, and please review!! ^^
Kylan felt remarkably comfortable, relaxing against Brynn's shoulder like he was. He was also quite surprised with himself for initiating the half hug, half cuddle that they were in. He hadn't really meant to, it had just… happened.
The teasing beforehand he was fine with. It almost reminded him of the good natured mocking he had faced on the streets, except when he bantered back and forth with Brynn it seemed less malicious. It was more enjoyable, in that light, and Kylan realized that he would miss it.
He turned his face into Brynn's shoulder, sliding his own arm diffidently to settle around Brynn's waist. He prayed Brynn wouldn't notice the arm, and on the most likely chance that he did, Kylan buried his face as deep as he could into the white clothed shoulder.
Brynn chuckled pleasantly, and pulled Kylan closer, obviously not expecting any resistance when he managed to get both arms around the younger boy.
Kylan decided to let the Herald be happy and have his way, and didn't pull away. He told himself it was for the Herald. Firmly, with as little room as possible for doubt, yet even so, the tiniest thought slithered into his mind that it was for his benefit too.
Kylan didn't honor it with a reply, and ignored it's progressively louder, triumphant crowing to cuddle closer to Brynn. He could get used to this, if they stayed like it forever.
Kylan sighed. "Why can't this last?"
Brynn tensed slightly under him, then relaxed again. Kylan felt the Herald's breath warm in his hair. "There's no reason why it shouldn't."
Kylan half-heartedly made the effort to pull away, but Brynn's arms tightened, and after the smallest token of defiance, Kylan settled down again. "It can't. That should be reason enough."
This time it was Brynn who pulled back, and Kylan let him go with the smallest hint of a sigh.
"Are you all right?" There was concern in the soft tone, and Kylan suddenly couldn't stand it, couldn't stand being in the same area as the Herald knowing that he'd have to leave soon, because after all, how could it last? It was impossible, there was no real love between them, they didn't even know each other's last names!
Kylan drew in a deep, shuddering breath, preparing himself for the emotional turmoil he was sure was coming. "I don't want to be here."
Brynn looked mildly confused and worried for a second before smiling again, in a concerned way that set Kylan's teeth on edge because it seemed so real. But it couldn't possibly be, because that would mean… that would mean…
"We could go back to my room if you want. I have a class in a while, but you're always welcome to join me." Brynn replied, watching Kylan with eyes that burnt, with eyes that searched him and ripped him apart and put him together and soothed and scorched and loved…
"No!" Kylan scrambled back, trying to get away from the eyes that caught and held, caught and held him to a fate that seemed so tempting, so enticing and enchanting if only it were real…
Brynn stood up now, plainly confused and concerned. "Kylan? Are you all right?"
"Go away! Leave me alone! I don't want you!" Kylan's voice rose progressively until he was screaming, stumbling away out of the grotto where he could break into a run. He ignored the last look he had of the Herald, who had been as pale as the white clothes he wore, ignored the fact that his own heart was aching, that his soul was wounded almost beyond repair.
When he tripped and fell, he didn't bother getting up. He couldn't make the effort, so he just curled onto his side and gasped for breath, telling himself that it would stop hurting by the time he got his breath back, that it was only the exertion of running that made his entire body ache now.
He lay there for what seemed like candlemarks, concentrating on getting his breath back so he could leave. He didn't want to be here any more, not with Brynn's eyes teasing him, showing him what he could have and him not being able to accept it.
Vaguely, Kylan realized it was his fault. He couldn't bring himself to care at the moment though, his chest felt too tight and his heart was beating too fast.
A Companion cantered by in the not so distant distance, head up and alert, it's very appearance marked by an urgency that Kylan detachedly registered. He wondered if it was Devoni.
He hurt. It was a stupid assumption to be making, he told himself sternly, that this wouldn't hurt. Despite his firm pep talks though, he couldn't make himself feel better. He crawled to his hands and knees and crouched there, still panting lightly. Maybe it hadn't been candlemarks. It sure felt like a long time. It certainly felt like years since he had been cuddled up with the Herald. If it hadn't been that long, then it probably had been Devoni. The direction had looked about right.
Kylan steadfastly refused to turn in the direction from whence he came. He wouldn't be able to leave a second time. He had to do it now, or face the consequences, and frankly, neither option was appealing.
He winced at the thought of Brynn's reaction, hell, of anyone's reaction when they found out that he had fled out of there. One Herald would be forgiven with an important reason. Losing two Heralds… that would have a punishment that he didn't want to contemplate. Even less, he found, did he want to contemplate the death of his life bound.
Perhaps it was true then, what Shaelin had said…
:What are you doing, Kylan? Why is Devoni in such a mad panic?: The soft female voice sounded uncharacteristically warning and accusing all at once.
Kylan bristled indignantly, letting his pride take the reins for a bit, his emotions being too anguished to. "Why should I know?" he asked aloud, wondering if she heard him, hoping she hadn't.
:Because he's supposed to be yours damnit!:
The voice flooded his thoughts with an angry red, and her words almost got lost in the wave of dizziness that followed shortly. Kylan stumbled and fell to his knees again. "Leave me alone," he choked out. "You don't understand."
:I understand that you're refusing the bond, boy. I understand that you're being incredibly stupid to do so. I understand that you've almost broken Brynn because of your refusal.:
That stopped pride in a hurry. "I-I did?" Kylan asked softly, surprised but not entirely as his eyes quickly filled up with tears. "He can't care that much about me. No one should. I'm a danger to all who care, I don't deserve the stupid bond, nor do I deserve him!"
There was a blessed silence, and Kylan breathed a sigh of relief, hoping it was over. Then he could leave and get on with his life as best he could, and Brynn could be happy with someone he was more deserving of, someone more worthy…
:You're being stupid, Kylan.: Shaelin's voice eased through his mind. :He loves you. You might not know each other yet, but what more is there to know? A lifebond is like that – it accepts everything. He can't not want you-:
"I don't want him to want me because of some silly bond!" Kylan cried out, suddenly too frustrated to speak clearly. His mind was whirling, and he felt absolutely sick. "He won't want me! Not if he knows who I am! Hell," Kylan's voice cracked and dropped to a whisper. "I don't even know who I am anymore, so I can't help him find out."
There was silence. A soft breeze blew by, ruffling his hair, and his hands fisted in the grass. Trainees were walking around up by the main building, talking to each other in excited voices, unable to find anything really wrong with the world they lived in at that very moment.
Kylan watched them bitterly, resentfully envying them for their relatively simple lives. He hated them at that moment.
And then something bit him hard on his shoulder, in almost exactly the same spot Jesalis had bit him the night before.
He didn't need to look to see who it was, but he turned over to glare at her anyway. It made him feel better.
"What do you want?"
Jesalis laid her ears flat against her head.
Kylan shook his head stubbornly. "No. I'm leaving. You're all better off without me."
So saying, he got to his feet for the second time and started staggering towards Brynn's rooms to get his dagger out of the clothes he had discarded there. He needed that dagger, it was good quality. It had made a living for him once, it could do it again.
He was rather surprised to find a white horse standing in his way, glowering belligerently at him. He glowered right back at her.
"What do you want?" he snapped at her.
Jesalis tossed her head at him.
Kylan, losing any patience that he might have had left, slapped her muzzle spitefully, beyond frustrated and angry at the moment. He ignored her shocked expression as she threw her head back in surprise and stalked past her, keeping his balance quite nicely.
He had only managed to get a few paces though before she was in front of him again, this time facing him fully. He lifted a hand to smack her again and she half reared warningly, snapping at him unreservedly enough to make him draw back slightly in a hurry.
He stared at her, feeling his face crumple without his permission. "Why won't you let me go?"
Jesalis tossed her head in what was clearly annoyance. :Because you should stay, duh.:
It was an unfamiliar voice. Kylan blinked.
Jesalis continued, not paying the slightest bit of attention to him. :Brynn needs you now. Devoni's keeping him stable, but you very almost broke the lifebond. Show him you want to keep it. Go to him, boy.:
"I'm not a boy," Kylan grumbled inconsequentially, unable to properly display his shock at Jesalis' news.
:Then act like an adult!: Jesalis snarled back at him, and stretched out her head again to bite him in warning.
Kylan jumped back before she had a chance. "And if I said no?"
Jesalis shook her head again in what appeared to be disgust. :Then you really are not worth my time, nor anyone's here. Go on then. Leave Brynn alone. Devoni will have to pick up the pieces on his own.:
Kylan bit his lip, wanting to go to the Herald. He could feel Brynn's pain as if it were his own, somehow he knew it was Brynn's, and somehow it did feel no different from his own, but he couldn't, he couldn't because that would mean that he would have to learn to love, to trust, when every instinct screamed at him not to, and it hurt, it hurt so much to be torn in two, not knowing which way to turn.
Kylan twisted in the spot, facing the direction of the river, still undecided. If he went to Brynn now… Nobody would be very happy for a while… Brynn would most likely be furious after he got over the shock and the pain and the threat of Kylan's absence, and Devoni would probably want to kill him.
If he didn't go to Brynn… None of them would ever be happy again.
Put that way, Kylan thought, and took a hesitant step in the direction of the river. Jesalis, silent now, nudged him encouragingly, her eyes both warning and supporting him.
Kylan stopped suddenly. "I don't know what to do," he confessed, murmuring it so that it didn't sound so bad.
:Kylan…: Shaelin breathed into his mind again. :I'd hate to sound clichéd right now, but follow your heart. Regardless of consequences, what is it that you want to do?:
"I… I… just want to be with him…"
:Well then? Run. Devoni's waiting. He won't kill you as long as you get there quickly.:
Kylan took her advice to heart. He ran.
