If you really believe that I could possibly own GAINAX and Evangelion, I know a good psychologist that charges reasonable rates.
Hi one and all. I'm sure you're sick of me saying it, but a thank you goes out to all readers and reviewers. I wanna thank ST Pika in particular. We've been talking a fair bit and he helped me out with this chapter, more than he probably realises. His one email pretty much prompted the entire Misato/Asuka scene.
Sorry this one took so long to produce. There's a few reasons why, not least being that here in Oz every day for the past two weeks has been 30 degrees Celsius, minimum, getting up to 38. Not ideal weather for concentrating on writing a story. Plus I got Resident Evil on DVD. Plus I helped my old man do some painting. Plus I watched the Evangelion series again. Heh heh.
This is a looong one. Why? It's the last real chapter! After this there will be an epilogue set a little bit after all these events have taken place. Wafftastic. However, I don't think I'll let the dead rest easy, as I've been thinking about doing some one-shots set after All is Right With the World. I'll talk more about that next chapter, though.
Enough babbling, though… I hope you enjoy this one. Don't forget to review, pretty please!
Take it easy,
RENEGADE
ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD
07. Thank You for Everything
"Shinji… Asuka…" Misato wept. "Thank God you're all right. It's a miracle…"
She held them in her arms.
There was grief that night, but hope as well. When they had found Misato Katsuragi alive, Shinji Ikari and Asuka Langley Sohryu had also found the proof that they both needed so desperately – the proof that everything would be all right.
Tears flowed in rivers and very few words were said. But that did not matter because so much more was conveyed than could have been spoken by words… and they were all three actually happy, just as they once had been.
When they had lived together, their home had been filled with laughter, teasing voices, pointless superiority arguments, whining and complaining… but most of all, the Katsuragi household had been filled with a sense of ease. There had been no NERV majors there, no Evangelion pilots, just three people and a warm water penguin.
There was Misato Katsuragi, the household slob who never really did anything but drink beer, lie around in revealing clothes and tease her companions.
Then there was Asuka Langley Sohryu, the resident complainer whose solution to every problem was to plant her feet apart, put her hands on her hips, and yell angrily at it until it fixed itself out of sheer despair.
And finally, there was Shinji Ikari, the household male who did everything that needed doing. Which was everything. He was also the butt of every joke, tease, flirt, command and complaint registered by his two female housemates.
Together, they were one of the strangest families Tokyo-3 would see. But while these times lasted, Misato, Asuka and Shinji would always feel comfortable and at ease. They felt at home.
Sadly, however, their home and their relationship slowly fell apart. Furious at her perceived inferiority to Shinji, Asuka became increasingly more hostile until she barely spoke to the other members of the household. Then Misato was unable to tell Shinji the truth about the Fourth Child and so she lost his trust in her. The death of Ryouji Kaji, a mentor to all three of them, was the final nail in the coffin.
Asuka's shame and hatred drove her to run away from everything. But she could not escape herself. Unable to find a shred of value within her own existence, unable to see any truth other than the one she created for herself, she lay herself down, utterly broken, in a rusty bathtub inside a ruined house, waiting to die. Waiting to join her mother in the hollow darkness of death.
Shinji's fear compelled him to escape to the melancholy music of his SDAT. Through it, he blocked out the sad world around him, lying on his bed in a sea of misery, until the terrible tragedies and loss he witnessed meant that this no longer worked. He, too, had run, finding comfort in the home of Kaworu Nagisa. Upon his friend's death, Shinji too had wanted nothing more than to give up, to go to sleep and never wake up again.
Misato tried to be a mother to Shinji and Asuka but just when she had begun to reach them she made a few terrible mistakes and that was when the alienation began. Then, with the death of her lover, she found that she no longer knew what to do and so, overcome with loneliness and grief she fled from reality, her responsibilities and her life, casting away all her links and bonds to bury herself in Kaji's obsessive search for the truth. She had found it… but all it had helped her to do was fall further away from the others.
They had fallen apart, destroyed themselves and thus destroyed each other. But SEELE's sacrament of rebirth had drawn them together once again, and all three of them had to understand that now there was nowhere to go but forwards. The past hurt, of course it did, and it probably always would. Memories of their parents, memories of their own personal trauma… Shinji, Asuka and Misato all had their own demons to fight.
That was their greatest tragedy: in the past, they fought on their own, because while each of them wanted the others, they did not know how to be close to them.
From the ashes of Instrumentality, though, they were all risen again and now forced together once more. And Shinji, Asuka and Misato wouldn't have it any other way.
Becoming one through Complementation was not the same as this because there was no bond, no connection, no respect, no trust…
…no love.
In Instrumentality, there just was.
But here, in this 'world of pain' that Shinji had chosen, you could see, and you could feel, and you could experience.
The three of them cried and held each other.
This was togetherness.
* * *
Maya Ibuki quietly retreated from the reunion of Major Katsuragi, Shinji and Asuka. She smiled gladly as she saw them clutching one another, pouring their hearts out. She had been just as glad as the Major when she had seen the two Children rushing tearfully towards them, but this moment belonged to the three of them, not to her.
They had seen such terrible things.
She sighed.
They had all seen such terrible things.
Apologetically squeezing between the moving mass of bodies that made up the newest arrivals to the UN rescue camp, Maya tried to get in closer to one of the soldiers that were trying to keep order in a chaotic situation.
"Excuse me?" she called loudly over the angry, shouting voices around her. "Excuse me!"
There were two soldiers up ahead, yelling angrily at the crowd, who were closing in around them. Finally, they brandished their automatic guns in order to ward the mob off. Grudgingly but firmly – these soldiers looked very stressed, understandably so – the crowd backed away and Maya was able to approach.
"Didn't you hear me?" the man yelled agitatedly in fluent Japanese, waving his rifle at her.
Maya hurriedly held her hands up. "Wait! I'm from NERV!" Seeing the suspicious soldier's hesitation, she quickly continued. "Lieutenant Ibuki. I just need some information from you."
The soldier relaxed a little, though he continued to glance nervously about. There were many angry glares still directed his way. "I can't help you… Lieutenant," he told her, backing away.
"Wait a moment! Can you just tell me if NERV is still operational? Who's in charge?"
"NERV is still running," the soldier said warily, still moving slowly away. "The Vice Commander has been found and detained. They say he's going to be court-martialed…"
"The Commander," Maya said softly to herself, and then to the soldier, "So who's in charge now?"
"Two Lieutenants have been left in charge," the soldier told her. "Until the UN takes full command. I don't know their names. That's all I know, so please leave me alone!"
Maya was left wondering as the soldier scuttled off. Two Lieutenants?
Surely not…
* * *
They had run out of tears and now they simply sat amongst the ruins, no words passing between them.
Asuka was the first to peel away from their embrace, as if she suddenly remembered who she was. She scooted across and seated herself on a rock. Cheeks burning, she mumbled, "It's good to see you again, Misato."
Misato just smiled, her own cheeks still wet. "You too… Asuka."
Shinji was sitting beside his guardian, a stupefied smile on his face, still looking slightly dazed. "I can't believe it… Misato, you're alive!"
She hugged him warmly in reply.
He touched her arm and looked at her battered figure in concern. She was bruised in many places, and he could see quite a few small cuts and abrasions through the tears in her clothing. "Misato… you're hurt! What happened? Are you all right!?"
"I'm fine," she smiled tiredly, giving his hand a squeeze. "I've just had a rough time of it, that's all. I… came back… north of here. There was no cover from the rain up there, so I tried to build a shelter, but… it collapsed."
"On you?" Shinji gasped.
"Yes, I…" Misato paused and narrowed her eyes. "Hey, you're not laughing are you?"
"Of course not," Shinji said, shocked. A tight smile played over Misato's lips.
"I was just joking, Shinji."
Shinji turned pink. "Oh."
Misato turned to the silent redhead seated across from her. "Asuka," she said gently, "How've you been?"
Asuka snorted and vaguely indicated Shinji by waving her hand in his direction. "Well, this idiot's been hitting on me like crazy ever since we came back…"
Turning an even brighter red, Shinji spluttered, "What? I did not!"
"Ooh, Shinji!" Misato let out a hoarse giggle before turning and wrapping her arms around the squirming boy, ruffling her hands through his messy brown hair. "I didn't know you were so romantic!" She began nudging him in the ribs.
"But I… she…"
""Maybe I should have made a move a long time ago," Misato whispered conspiratorially in his ear as she winked and leered at him.
"Misato!!"
She pulled away, sat back, and laughed. "Aww, even Third Impact couldn't change you, could it?" Quick as a flash, she moved back in and engulfed him in yet another hug. "It's all right," she whispered. "I don't want you any other way."
Just as the redhead seated across from them started to look annoyed, Misato reached out a hand and yanked Asuka into the hug, making her squawk in alarm.
"Mmf… Hey!"
The two Children finally managed to disengage themselves from Misato's iron grip and fell back, gasping for air. The three of them sat staring at one another.
"Thank God I found you again," Misato said quietly.
Shinji suddenly remembered something. "Misato…" She turned to look at him. Normally at times like this Shinji's cheeks would be burning, his voice stammering. But this time he was sure of himself. His voice was still quiet, still unobtrusive, but it was certain, too. His blue eyes still had the slightly apologetic look they always had, but they were earnest, now, as well. And he didn't bow his head.
"Misato… I was holding this for you." He looked into her eyes and slipped off the white cross he was wearing around his neck. Misato's eyes went wide, her recognition registering.
He reached out and took her hand, placing the cross in her palm and closing her fingers around it.
"You said… when I found my answers, I should come back to you. I… I did."
Misato smiled warmly. "I told you I'd be here. I said I'd be waiting." She felt the weight of the square cross in her hand. The last time she had seen it, it had been stained with blood, her blood… blood that Shinji had cleaned away because he had to believe that she was coming back.
She gazed at him. "Thank you, Shinji." Now it was the Third Child's turn to smile. Misato continued quietly. "This… was the last thing that my father gave to me. He died a long time ago, so I didn't… see… him in Instrumentality, but… well, I guess I found some things out anyway."
Tracing the edges of the cross one last time, she closed her eyes as if remembering, pushed her hair back and firmly clasped it around her neck once more.
Misato Katsuragi took a deep breath.
It… it's all right, daddy. It's all right. I'm not angry. Not any more.
Shinji returned the faint smile she gave him. "We should talk," Misato said quietly. "Just… talk. Not now, but later. All right?"
Brow furrowing in concern, Shinji was a little confused, but he quietly agreed. "Sure."
"I wasn't there for you when you needed me," Misato said quietly. "I betrayed your trust in me. I just want to talk so that maybe… well, maybe you can understand, Shinji."
"Okay, Misato," Shinji smiled. "I feel better… now. I… I saw my mother again."
Misato gazed at him before placing her arm around his shoulders. "I'm glad, Shinji."
"It was… as though everything was worthwhile," Shinji whispered, his head against the shoulder of Misato's flight jacket. "Just for that one moment. Asuka saw her mother, too…"
Asuka watched all this rather sadly as she realised she had never really been as close to Misato as Shinji had. The words between them had gotten too low for her to hear. Feeling a little uncomfortable when Misato put her arm around the Third Child, she began edging away, partly to give them some space, but mostly because she didn't want to see them like this.
Before she could get very far, however, Misato retrieved her arm, dropped Shinji's gaze and whipped around, reaching out a hand and grabbing Asuka's ear. The redhead bleated crossly and tried to squirm away, but Misato's gentle but firm grip did not allow her to move an inch.
"And you, young lady," the older woman mock scowled, "what's all this about you trying to steal my Shinji?"
From her position at arm's length, a struggling Asuka glared at Misato, but her guardian wasn't Shinji and it had no effect. In fact, she giggled. "Ooh, so it's true?"
"Knock it off, Misato! I'm not you!"
Now it was Misato's turn to look indignant. "And just what is that supposed to mean?"
"I think you know very well what it means!"
Misato just laughed and released her. "Fair enough."
Asuka just grumbled incoherently and glared at a beet-red Shinji, daring him to speak.
* * *
Earlier that day, a shabby-looking figure had returned from the sea of LCL and collapsed into an exhausted, deep sleep. With him there had been someone much smaller, someone who now clutched obediently onto his hand. Together, the two of them gazed over the landscape.
"Uh… I guess we should go into the city."
The smaller figure nodded vigorously and needing no further prompting, the taller person moved in the direction of the charred buildings.
Once they had seen a United Nations helicopter flying overhead, swooping low and barely clearing the tops of the buildings' skeletons. Vaguely wondering what was going on, the figure tugged his companion's hand and together they continued on into the unbeating heart of town.
They were hungry, tired and scared.
But they were alive.
* * *
As the afternoon drew slowly onwards, the air grew cooler and the ruddy orange sun began its descent. Lilith's jagged blood streak still slashed across the darkening sky was a stark contrast to its surroundings, bright as ever.
When Asuka had wandered off into the crowd to see if she could scrounge up some more food, Misato Katsuragi had told Shinji that she had to go and speak to Maya. When his guardian asked him to come, Shinji politely declined, saying he'd rather wander about.
Misato smiled, knowing he was, for the first time, relieved about the presence of so many others around him. It was this that showed him that he had made the correct choice in Instrumentality. Misato went off alone on her quest to locate Maya.
She had intended to ask the younger woman if she had found anything out about NERV's current state from the nervous-eyed soldiers that were stalking through the area but the Lieutenant was nowhere to be found.
Misato sighed in exasperation as bodies pushed past her, shouts filling the air and an unpleasant, lingering odour of sweat and body odour pervaded the area. This place was a mess. Even in this turbulent time, when order and self-control should logically be number one on every living person's priority list, the all-too-common human characteristic of not giving a damn still pushed its way to the surface.
"Maya!" she bellowed at the top of her lungs. Unsurprisingly, there was no response. Grumbling loudly, Misato wished (not for the first time) for her well-stocked beer fridge. Shinji had sadly told her that their apartment had been destroyed, though, and Misato dejectedly realised that there would be no beer for quite a while.
Even so, Misato smiled to herself, perking herself up, it's good to be back.
It was the first time she had actually said those words to herself.
Suddenly, amidst the writhing mass of humanity, a flash of scarlet caught her eye in the glare of the dying light. A large flash of scarlet, in fact… not knowing too many people with bright red hair or a red plugsuit, Misato changed course and headed out of the unwashed crowd to the rise where Asuka stood facing the first stage of sunset.
The sound of someone approaching broke Asuka out of her contemplation and she turned with her fist raised menacingly to drive them off. When she realised who it was, though, she relaxed from her habitually aggressive stance.
"Oh… hey, Misato."
"Hi, Asuka."
They stood side by side in the failing light, Asuka fidgeting slightly. Glancing sidelong at her, Misato understood that her charge was trying to work up the courage to say something to her. Since she did not often need to work up courage, Misato figured it was important and so stood there smiling slightly, patiently waiting for the redhead to speak.
"I…" Asuka began falteringly. "Misato… I had… I mean, towards the end… it was hard for me."
"I know, Asuka. You don't have to say anything."
"Why does everyone say that to me these days!?" Asuka suddenly and crossly burst out. "Whenever I try to apologise, it's always, oh no Asuka, you don't have to say it. Why? Do you think I'm afraid to say it?"
Misato suppressed a giggle at the fuming Second Child, who was currently glaring daggers at her. With some effort she kept a straight face and patted her companionably on the shoulder. "I'm sorry. Please, go on."
Asuka muttered hotly under her breath before turning away, suspiciously wondering if Misato was patronising her attempt at an apology. "I just wanted to say… I'm sorry, all right?" she told the Major sulkily.
Misato smiled at her, and Asuka took a deep, silent breath, forcing her volatile temper down. "I mean it, Misato," she said, more quietly. As she spoke the words, the guilt rose within her and she found herself unable to meet her guardian's gaze. In fact, Asuka's whole body turned away from Misato without her willing it to.
"I know I hurt you," Asuka went on, her head bowed and her voice barely above a whisper. "I just… I just…" Her shoulders started shaking. "I just had to, Misato! I had to hate you, and I had to hate Shinji, and I had to hate everyone!"
Upset, Misato moved over and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. "Asuka…"
Not hearing her, Asuka could only clench her eyes shut as hideous memories rose to the surface her turbulent mind. Terrible memories of loss and defeat and violation and hatred and pain and fear and death…
"And… and I had," Asuka snarled through her tear-rimmed eyes. "To hate myself."
She shook Misato's hand off. "I don't deserve to be forgiven, Misato," she hissed coldly. "I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve-"
"You don't deserve this," Misato interrupted firmly. "Don't do this to yourself, Asuka. I don't care if you think you deserve it or not, I am forgiving you." She spun Asuka around and clutching her arms just above the elbows, stared into her tormented blue eyes. "I don't pity you," she whispered to the redhead. "I care for you."
"I… I…" Asuka shook her head furiously, then clenched her eyes shut and pulled free of Misato's grasp. "I can't Misato!" she screamed, and collapsed onto her knees, wrapping her arms around her ears. "I can't let you say that! I… I…" She fell into a fit of sobbing but waved Misato back and scuttled a little further away when she tried to approach, concerned.
"I've lost so much protection," Asuka choked out, eyes still clamped shut. "Instrumentality threw everything away. I lost whatever protection I had against being hurt. I… I want you to care. But I just can't let you! I'm garbage, Misato! I treated you like shit, and now you say you care about me! No!! I don't want that! I want you to hate me!"
Helpless, Misato could only look on, sadly keeping the distance Asuka wanted. "But why, Asuka?" she asked quietly.
"I told you! I don't deserve it! I hated and hurt you and everyone! I was low… I was lower than garbage, Misato! I… all the memories are coming… I… when I saw you again, Misato, it was like… the past… the past came with you… I…" the young girl snarled hatefully. "Go away, Misato! Don't care about me! I'm… I'm scum… That fucking Angel helped me find that out…" she choked out before collapsing onto her side.
"Asuka!" Misato shrieked, disturbed. This time, she did come rushing over, raising Asuka's limp body and cradling it like a baby. "I'm here…" she said, more calmly, stroking her red hair. "Let it go, Asuka…"
"I… can't…" whispered the tearful redhead. "I can … feel it… in me, again… I'd forgotten, but now… Oh God, it was cold… its fingers, its mind was cold… it took me… away from myself… Oh, Misato… I want you… to hate me…"
"Ssh…" Misato soothed, rocking her.
"I was so dirty."
She burst into fresh tears and clutched at her guardian. "Misato!"
"I'm here, Asuka! Don't worry," she hugged the crying girl to her, fighting back her own tears. Asuka's experiences had been just as terrible as Shinji's; perhaps even worse… this girl's life, emotions and spirit had broken down around her as all sense of her self-worth shattered. "Don't worry, Asuka. Everything will be all right."
"It was in me," Asuka wept. "I was helpless. It touched me, it violated me… I hated it… oh God, it made me go back… to see everything… Mama… I don't want to die…"
"You saw your mother, didn't you," Misato said softly, remembering Shinji's words earlier. "What did she say to you?"
"My mama…"
"What did she say to you, Asuka?"
"She said… she said… 'As long as you continue to believe and… try to understand… as long as you keep joy in your heart and hold true to hope… everything will be… all right.'"
"That's beautiful," Misato hushed.
"She said… Ich liebe dich."
Misato had known Asuka from when she herself had worked at NERV Germany, and so knew the basics of the language. "You see, Asuka?" she murmured. "She loves you, no matter what. So will I. So will Shinji."
Asuka had stopped sobbing and now lay limply in Misato's arms, her eyes closed. The older woman shifted and, standing up, she raised Asuka to her feet, where she stood with her arms dangling by her sides and her head bowed.
"I just don't know anything any more, Misato," whispered Asuka.
Facing the girl, Misato moved in closer and placed both hands on Asuka's shoulders. "Pilot Sohryu," she said firmly.
Asuka hesitantly raised her eyes to meet Misato's own. The Major clasped her hands to Asuka's face and moved hers in close. "You are Asuka Langley Sohryu, Second Child, Pilot of Evangelion Unit-02!" she said fiercely. "You were one of three people who saved the world."
Asuka blinked a few times and swallowed.
"You fought with every last ounce of strength in your body," Misato urged, her eyes narrowing. "You never gave up, Asuka. You never surrendered. You fought until the very end of all things. You never rested. You were never afraid. You never accepted anything less than victory, Asuka!"
"I…" Asuka stammered.
"And you won, Asuka, you won. You beat nine Evas, single-handedly. You fought with honour, and with pride, and with courage. You are alive. You have beaten all your enemies by succeeding with that." Misato paused. "Whether you allow yourself to be defeated by surrendering to their memory is a choice that you have to make."
Asuka was shaking furiously. "No!" she bit out. "I…"
Misato's feral smile filled the young girl's vision. "This is you, Asuka. You cannot lose. It is something that you just cannot do. You were never garbage. And you don't deserve to be hated. You least of all. You should be proud."
Misato released her hold on Asuka's face. There was a silence.
Asuka looked up.
"Thank you for everything, Misato," she murmured quietly. "For everything."
Misato smiled and drew her into a fierce hug. "It's been an honour," she replied. "Let's move forwards, Asuka. You, me and Shinji… we'll all move forwards together."
Asuka nodded with a small, but determined smile.
A picture of the fifteenth Angel came into her mind, the one that had raped her mind and brutally beaten her down until she was nothing more than a broken doll with a shattered mind.
Angrily, she cast the image aside, threw it away.
Together, she and Misato began to move away, turning back to the crumbling streets of their shattered city.
She took a deep breath. There's no way I can lose, she assured herself.
Asuka Langley Sohryu swore to herself that she would prove it.
* * *
The tall, unkempt figure and his smaller companion moved through the streets for nearly an hour, picking their way over the rubble and weaving around the huge piles of debris. Every now and again, the taller figure would stop and speak a few words of comfort to the shorter. A few times, dark black shapes – helicopters – roared overhead, whipping up choking dust that stung their throats and eyes.
Both times, the UN choppers had been moving in a particular direction. Showing uncharacteristic foresight, the tall figure decided that that was the direction the two of them should head in. Since they had seen no-one else on the streets, he couldn't think of any other approach to take, and to be honest, he was relieved. For a while he had thought that the two of them were the only ones left.
And so their subdued journey continued, the tall figure attempting to make the best of it for the sake of the shorter one. There was still life behind those eyes, he decided. There was still a soft laugh every time he made a bad joke.
One more helicopter would thunder overhead, but this time the sound of its rotor blades did not fade, indicating it had landed nearby. Quickly moving forwards, the two of them rounded a crumbling corner and arrived at the outskirts of the UN rescue camp.
Tired and definitely hungry, the tall figure was no less surprised when he pushed his way through a few stooped, scowling figures who needed a wash and suddenly came face to face with the last person he had expected to see. Noticing the figure for the first time, the eyes of that person went as wide as saucers. They stared at one another for a moment.
"T… Touji?" gasped Shinji in disbelief.
The figure staggered a few more steps, raising his head. He gave Shinji a wan smile, filled with mental and physical exhaustion. "Uh… Oh, it's you, Shinji." Touji Suzahara laughed hoarsely as he leaned tiredly on a ruined wall. He glanced past his friend to someone who had just materialised into his vision. "And… you."
Asuka rose up indignantly. "Hey, dummkopf, my name is -"
"Oh, shut up," Touji retorted grumpily. "This is Mari, my sister…"
After spinning around in surprise to see Asuka, whom he hadn't known was there, Shinji quickly offered the girl a confused half smile when she grinned nervously at him.
"I'm… really tired," Touji murmured, just as his eyes rolled up into his head and he collapsed limply onto the ground.
"Hey… hey! Touji!" Shinji yelled in alarm, hurrying over. "Wake up!"
"Touji!" the little girl, Mari, cried in distress as she kneeled beside him. "What are you doing? Touji?"
Shinji had no idea what to do. He didn't want to slap Touji to try and wake him up – in fact the thought repulsed him. He fearfully looked all over his taller friend for some sign of what was wrong. "Asuka!" he called over his shoulder. "You've got to find help, quick! Where's Misato?"
Asuka, who had been standing off to one side torn between her recently rediscovered invincible pride and helping Stooge Suzahara, grudgingly moved over. "She saw Maya and went to talk to her." She knelt down.
"Hey, what are you -"
"Quiet, Third Child," Asuka ordered. She expertly pressed two fingers to Touji's neck, then wrist, then shifted herself until she was behind his head. She lifted it with her hands, resting it on her knees and glared dangerously at Shinji. "If you dare tell anyone about this, I swear I'll kill you."
Dumbly, Shinji nodded. "I didn't know you knew first aid."
Asuka shrugged nonchalantly. "Part of my Eva training in Germany. It's no big deal." She glanced over to the little girl who was fussing over her big brother. She looked close to tears. "It's all right," Asuka said gruffly. "Dumb jock just fainted, that's all."
She bent over and yelled in Touji's face in an angry voice. "Hey, dork, get off my lap!"
Touji groggily blinked his eyes. "Huh?"
Asuka glared furiously at him. "Get. Off. My. Lap."
Taking in his position for the first time, Touji suddenly thundered into wakefulness. "What?" he yelled angrily. "What the hell am I doing on your lap?"
"She put you there," Mari, now happy Touji was all right, supplied as she pointed at a glowering Asuka.
"What!?" Touji spluttered, red faced. "What were you doing, trying to devour my soul? Why? Shinji…?"
Shinji Ikari shrugged helplessly. "She… helped you."
Asuka and Touji glared uncomfortably at one another.
"Thanks," Touji said shortly, turning away.
"Anytime," Asuka muttered, doing the same.
Shinji felt it was time to try and diffuse the situation. "Hey… I'm glad you're all right, Touji."
"Yeah, that makes two of us," Touji grunted, absently stroking his sister's hair as she gleefully hung onto his leg. "Hey, I don't really know what happened to me… I mean, to everyone… but you had something to do with it, didn't you Shinji?"
Shinji turned away.
Touji grimaced and stalked up to Shinji, who glanced nervously up at the taller, stronger boy. Touji cracked his knuckles and a heavy scowl came over his stony features. "Well, Shinji…"
"Touji… I…"
Suddenly Touji laughed, grabbed him in a headlock and punched him playfully – but hard – in the shoulder. Shinji squawked. Giving his friend a good shake, Touji released him and slapped him on the back. "Glad to see you, Shinji."
Shinji wearily regained his senses and looked up into Touji's gleefully smirking face. "Urgh…" His mind registered something then, and his terrified gaze was drawn inexorably to Touji's left arm, then his leg.
"Your… your…"
Touji looked at Shinji strangely before understanding passed across his face. The last time Shinji had seen him, Touji's limbs had already been amputated. Touji himself had been more than a little surprised when he had woken up this morning next to Mari, all arms and legs present. He didn't really question it. Ignorance, as they say, is bliss.
"Hey, forget about it," he said firmly. "I remember, okay? The nurses, or scientists or whatever told me about the auto-pilot plug they put in your Eva to make it go crazy."
Shinji said nothing, but found he was too ashamed to look Touji in the eye.
"Hey!" Touji bellowed, giving Shinji another shake. "Are you listening to me?"
"I'm sorry!" Shinji spouted desperately.
"Huh," Touji snorted, but a softer look came over his features. "They said you wouldn't fight. They said you wouldn't do anything until they helped me."
"I couldn't just… I mean… I didn't want to…"
"Thanks."
"Huh?" Shinji asked in confusion.
"Thanks, Shinji," Touji repeated with a half smile. "And don't feel bad about it. Though you could have come and visited me in the hospital."
"I know," Shinji muttered, his head bowed. "But I couldn't."
Touji narrowed his eyes. "Still just a kid, huh, Ikari," he sighed.
Shinji looked up, an annoyed look in his eyes. "Hey…!"
"Yeah, yeah, very nice," Asuka butted in suddenly, rolling her eyes and glaring at the two of them. "I hate to spoil the moment but I really cannot be bothered hanging around here listening to the ramblings of you two. Let's just leave it that you're forgiven for acting like a jerk, okay Shinji?"
Before either of them could say anything, Asuka was stamping off in the opposite direction leaving a surprised and slightly confused Third Child staring after her.
"What's the deal here, anyway?" Touji asked, forgetting his arch-enemy and hoisting a giggling Mari up into his arms as his cheeks flushed a little red from Shinji's curious glance. "What is this place?"
"It's a rescue station, set up by the UN," Shinji explained in his placid voice. "You're supposed to be able to get food and blankets and stuff here, but I don't think they're doing a very good job…"
Touji, however, hadn't heard any words after 'food'.
"Ah, this is more like it!" he smiled grimly, narrowing his eyes and rubbing his hands as he began to salivate.
"I'm hungry," declared Mari.
The two of them looked expectantly at Shinji, who in turn looked flustered. "Uh… well, you can go to the second tent… I think…"
"Well, come on!" yelled Touji impatiently. "Show us what's on the menu, Shinji!"
* * *
The food that the UN soldiers grudgingly provided was not what Touji had hoped, but it was sufficient. More or less, the jock reflected sadly. At least Mari is happy enough.
The little girl was smiling at him now, and Touji returned it as warmly as he could. Normally he was happy to cultivate his tough guy image but he had never been able to bring himself to use it with Mari around. Somehow, it just wasn't right.
"Touji!"
"Uh?" the boy turned in confusion at the female voice, Shinji spinning as well. Rushing towards him was a very familiar… well, figure.
Misato Katsuragi engulfed him in a huge hug that squeezed the breath out of him. Despite the fact that breathing was next to impossible, Touji was absurdly pleased as he tried to return the hug. Unfortunately, his arms were pinned by his sides.
"You're okay! Oh, I'm so glad," Misato gushed happily, ruffling the surprised Touji's hair. She drew back and examined him as a look of surprise came over her face as well. "Oh… you are okay," she said, referring to Touji's reborn limbs.
"Uh… yeah," Touji wheezed, still feeling a little dizzy, though he tried to give her the adoring, puppy-dog eyes. "I'm really glad to see you, Miss Misato."
"And who is this little lady?" Misato smiled as Mari beamed at her. "I'm Misato. What's your name?"
"Mari!" squeaked the little girl cheerfully.
"Oh, well then I'm pleased to meet you, Mari," Misato said jovially as she shook her hand.
Anxious to divert attention back to himself, Touji said, "Oh… er… Miss Misato, how are you feeling now that you've come back?"
"Oh, much better now," Misato winked. Leaning in suddenly, she planted a kiss on Touji's cheek. "It's good to have you back," she said cheekily as she spun away to join a horrified Asuka, who had been waiting nearby.
"Misato!! How could you! Oh my God, I've never seen something so disgusting! Of all the vile things you've done…"
Asuka's dumbfounded voice faded into the crowd as she followed Misato away. As she wandered off, though, Misato glanced back over her shoulder and grinned. "Hey, are you guys coming?"
"Er… Touji?" Shinji ventured after a moment, tapping his friend on the shoulder. "Touji!"
"Whurg?" Suzahara blinked a few times, swayed precariously and almost lost his footing.
"Are… you all right?"
"Hey!" squawked Mari irritably as she kicked her big brother in the ankle a few times. "Wake up, dummy! I wanna go sit down!"
"Wha…? Sit… down?"
"Yeah! I'm tired!"
"Yeah," murmured Touji dreamily. "Sit…"
"Oh, come on!" Shinji said in exasperation when there was no reply. He gripped Touji's arm and led his statue-like friend through the throng of people, Mari close beside them.
* * *
Shinji, Asuka, Misato, Maya, Touji and Mari all sat around a small campfire that they had made as the sky grew darker and the moon rose above them upon a halo of silver light. Many other people had the same idea, and soon there were several small fires winking at one another through the darkness.
"So, does anyone know any songs?" Misato said dryly.
"Touji does! He sings in the shower -" exclaimed Mari, just as the older Suzahara clapped his hand over his sister's mouth with a scowl. He turned and glared at Asuka not-so-quietly snickering across from him.
Shinji and Misato both hid their own giggles successfully and Maya smiled widely at the young girl.
"So, Misato, what are you going to do when everything gets back to normal?" asked Asuka cheerfully, lounging back against a chunk of masonry.
"I dunno," Misato admitted with a smirk. "But… somehow I don't think the UN will be rebuilding NERV."
"I don't know what I'm going to do," admitted Maya soberly. "It's not like every business has three MAGI supercomputers they need operated."
"I guess we'll have to go into another line of work," said Misato with a wink. "I've always been interested in teaching…"
"But you're a Major, Miss Misato," Touji broke in. "Won't they be able to… ah… reposition… you? Or something?"
"Yeah, maybe. Being a Major, though, having a rank… it never really meant much to me. It was just a means to an end." The woman relaxed back in the same way as her female charge, unconsciously tilting her hand up, only to find there was no beer in it. "I don't really see the need to go back to the military. I've done everything I wanted to."
"What do you mean?" Asuka asked, curious.
Misato paused before continuing.
"You don't have to say if you don't want to, Misato," Touji quickly put in.
"Yes she does," Asuka said, glaring at him. Maya chose to remain quiet.
"Yeah, it's okay," Misato said, sending a sweet smile in Touji's direction. "I joined NERV because… well, I wanted to lay some ghosts to rest by beating the Angels. I guess I did that."
"With no small amount of help, of course," Asuka added airily.
"Of course," Misato grinned. "I told Shinji all this a while ago."
Asuka was slightly surprised, and also a little upset. "What? Why would you tell that idiot but not me?" she demanded loudly. "Shinji!"
Shinji, who had been lost in his own thoughts, was jolted back into reality with a start. "Uh?"
"Well… I guess I told Shinji because he asked," Misato admitted.
That was not something the redhead could answer. "Oh."
"What?" Shinji asked, confused.
"Nothing," Asuka said exasperatedly. "We were talking about what we'd do when all this is over and done with."
Shinji nodded slightly. "Oh… right."
Asuka frowned. "Is that all you can say, Third Child? What are you going to do when the world gets its rear in gear and goes back to normal?"
Turning away, Shinji blushed slightly. "I… don't know."
"What? What kind of answer is that? Why do you always have to be so indecisive? I'm telling you…"
Misato listened to Asuka's ranting with a growing frown and asked herself if she had fed Asuka's ego perhaps a little too much…? She had hopefully dispelled some of Asuka's fears, but it seemed that she was now trying to assert her dominance once again. With no Evas to compete against Shinji any more, would Asuka look for other ways to prove her superiority?
Would she still think like that? Even now?
No, she realised suddenly. This is her way of proving that she's on top of things once again. By being a bitch, she added dryly. Well, that would have to change, but it was not something she could help with. She helped when she could, but she was a Major, not a counselor. She guessed it was something that Asuka would have to work out herself, but that did not mean that Misato had to stand by and watch as Shinji took the verbal beating.
She stopped her musing when she realised that Asuka's fuming had just come to an end. Putting on her best predatory smile, Misato got a subdued Shinji's attention by winking at him. "I wouldn't worry about her too much, Shinji. It's probably just that time of the month…"
Asuka turned beet red. "What!? Misato, how could you!?" Even Shinji and Maya looked a little shocked, but Touji burst out laughing.
"Serves you right, harpy!" he chortled, pointing a finger at her.
Grinding her teeth in anger, Asuka scanned the area for a hot coal to throw at his ugly, grinning mug, but when she couldn't find one she got up and stamped over, hand raised for a face-numbing slap.
"Oh, come on, Asuka, it was just a joke," Misato admonished.
"You're not going to let a little thing like that get under your skin, are you?" added Maya quickly.
"This creep is laughing at me," Asuka said coldly, her hand poised and ready to strike.
"Are you going to do that in front of Mari?" Misato asked calmly. Mari yawned nearby, showing that she was not the least bit interested in what was going on. Misato winced, hoping the redhead hadn't seen it, and as luck would have it, she did not.
"All right," Asuka spat, eyes narrowed. "But this isn't the only score I have to settle with you." She spun haughtily on her heel, subtly grinding Touji's foot painfully into the ground, before marching back to her spot by the fire.
Groaning inwardly, Shinji recalled that he had been the one to tell Asuka that Touji and Kensuke had been selling photos of her. Pushing this depressing thought aside, he studied Misato for a moment before plucking up the courage to speak.
"Misato…"
She stopped giggling at a purple Touji's expense and turned to the boy. "Yeah?"
"Did something happen?"
"Huh?"
"In… Instrumentality? Did something happen to you? You seem kind of… different."
"Different?" Misato frowned.
"I mean, happier," Shinji hurriedly corrected himself, blushing as he did so. "You seem… happier."
"I do?" A faint smile crept over Misato's features, a smile that Shinji did not see because his head was bowed. Asuka studied her suspiciously while Touji and Maya, who knew her from very limited viewpoints only, looked on in curiosity.
"Yeah… I… oh, it doesn't matter. I'm sorry."
"You don't have to be sorry, Shinji, now go on," Misato said firmly.
Looking flustered, Shinji continued. "Well, it's just that… before everything, you were…" here he looked ashamed. "Cold. You were so cold, Misato."
"I see."
"You didn't laugh any more, you didn't say much, and… well… I don't know, it wasn't like you…" Suddenly aware of the number of eyes on him, Shinji trailed off.
"Yeah, he's right," Asuka suddenly said with a frown. "What the hell happened to you, Misato?"
Still smiling, albeit a little sadly, Misato cast her eyes downwards. "I wasn't the only one who changed during that time," she reminded them. "We were all… troubled."
Shinji muttered, "Yeah… I…"
"But you're right, Shinji."
He looked up. "Huh?"
Misato leaned back and smiled at him. "I guess I have changed. Or maybe I changed back." She became serious. "Things happened to all of us towards the end. I wasn't any different. I know I became… cold. It was my way of dealing. I pushed all my emotions aside and buried myself in work. I ran away, too."
She raised her eyes and looked at Shinji and Asuka. "I hope you guys can forgive me for that."
Shinji nodded dumbly with a grateful smile, but Asuka tilted her head on the side skeptically. "Well… 'course you're forgiven, Misato, but do you really expect us to buy that? That you just changed overnight because you decided to?"
She leaned forwards. "What really happened?" Asuka demanded suspiciously, eyes narrowing.
Misato smiled.
* * *
As Lilith died, red fluid pumped ceaselessly from the gash in her neck, making a trail across the whole sky, yet still a disturbing smile played across her lips. Misato floated in the nether that was Lilith's corpse. Swirling stars played across her soul and a ghostly wind carried her on an unseen current as her spirit form slowly materialised in the void.
A faint whisper came to her, unintelligible yet somehow… so clear. It manifested behind her. Misato knew he was there, but somehow… somehow she was unable to turn and face him for fear… of what? Of rejection? No… it was fear of illusion.
"Hey, Katsuragi."
His voice was the same. Finally, she willed herself to turn and looked upon him, and instantly she knew that it was him… not an illusion, or some trick of her pained mind of which she had been so terribly afraid.
Somehow, as she tentatively reached out to touch his chest, she knew that this was him. The same eyes. The same smell. The same soul.
"It's good to see you," Ryouji Kaji said with his usual sloppy smile, hands casually in his pockets.
"Oh… Kaji…" Misato gasped, feeling the sorrow well up in her soul, sorrow that she could not truly express because she had no eyes from which to cry but there was so much bottled up that she was afraid her heart would burst with sadness…
"You're… dead, Kaji…" she whispered accusingly. She looked away. "I had to accept that. I would rather have never seen you again, than seen you now and know nothing will ever change."
"Hey… come on now," he soothed calmly, drawing her into an embrace, where she clutched at his wrinkled shirt, a shirt that she knew didn't really exist but that was all right because this really was the dead Ryouji Kaji that had come back to her. Not in a hundred lifetimes had she expected to see him again…
"Kaji… Oh God, I'm so sorry…"
"For what?" he smiled. "You don't have to be sorry, Katsuragi. You've done nothing wrong."
"You fool," she snarled miserably, her heart crying a million tears. "You had to… you just had to… go, didn't you? You finally stuck your nose in the wrong place… and…"
"Yes," Kaji admitted apologetically. "I never did know when to stop. But I am sorry that I left you. I think you could have used some support towards the end."
"I needed you, Kaji," Misato whispered. "I needed you so much. Without you, I… I didn't know what I had to do… but I did the best I could…"
"You did more than enough," Kaji assured her softly. "And you did the right thing. I'm proud of you, Katsuragi. You finished what I could not. I just wish I could have been there when you truly needed me."
Misato just nodded. "What… what will you do now?"
"Yes, there isn't much time," Kaji said, a little sadly. Already the soul-tides were pulling them slowly apart. "I… have to stay here, Katsuragi."
"No!" Misato cried in terror, her worst fears and suspicions already realised. "You're here, now, Kaji! Can't you… come back?" Her voice dropped to a whisper. "With me?"
"You misunderstand," Kaji told her gently, but there was a reassuring tone to his voice. "Yes, I will. But not yet. I've been gone for a while, now, Misato… I almost couldn't come to see you at all."
"Please, Kaji, come back with me," Misato begged. "I need you now, Kaji."
"No, I can't," he shook his ghostly head, but did not lose his confident smile. "One day, though, Katsuragi… when your home is rebuilt, when all this madness has returned to normal, keep an ear out for the doorbell. Because one day, you'll answer it, it'll be me standing there. I don't know when it will be, but thanks to Instrumentality I have a chance to come back, and I will take it when it comes. I'll find you, don't worry," he chuckled.
Misato could only bow her head in defeat.
"But you have to leave, now, Katsuragi," Kaji urged as the stream of souls tried to pull them apart. They held onto one another's hands to remain together for just a few more moments. "This is your chance."
"I want to stay here with you," Misato whispered.
"No. Shinji and Asuka are already back," Kaji told her. "Can't you feel their absence from here? Many people have gone. I don't want you to remain here."
"I'm so sick of that world," spat Misato. "Lies and hatred and lost dreams and broken hearts. That is all it is, Kaji."
"There are as many truths as there are people, but there is only one truth that is your own, Katsuragi." Kaji grinned at her and reaching out, he stroked her hair. "Your truth is what you make it. If you believe that life is nothing but pain, then that is what your life will be. But you and I both know that life is so much more than that, Katsuragi. Because of what we shared… together."
"But still…"
"You got my message, didn't you," he chuckled. "Do you remember what I said? I said that if I saw you again, I would say the words I could not say eight years ago."
Misato's eyes widened as he grasped her hand tighter, the only thing that was stopping them from drifting apart.
Kaji smiled serenely and gazed into her disbelieving eyes. "Misato…"
Those next words were for her. Just for her.
And then he let go.
* * *
"Misato?" Shinji asked curiously. "Misato? Are you all right?"
"Yeah," Misato said with a tiny smile. "Yeah, I'm all right."
"You still haven't answered the question," Asuka pointed out. "What made you change in Instrumentality?"
"I know," Misato said softly with a mysterious look in her eye. "I can't answer. Yet. But one day you'll find out."
Asuka growled, but bit back a further retort, settling for a simple, "Fine, keep it to yourself." She was still annoyed at all these secret talks Misato had been having with Shinji, and more than a little confused about the whole situation.
The others chatted idly for a few more minutes, Asuka successfully keeping her simmering temper hidden until the Third Child dared to address her.
"Hey, Asuka…" Shinji ventured.
"What?" she snapped irritably.
Sensing that now was not a good time, Shinji backed down. "Oh… nothing, it doesn't matter."
Asuka valiantly tried to swallow her rapidly rising temper.
"That wasn't very nice, Asuka," Misato commented lazily.
"It was nice by her standards," Touji grunted dryly.
Asuka went red with fury. 'Oh, shut up!" she yelled, causing people to turn from their own campfires and see what all the commotion was about. Maya looked away in embarrassment while Asuka continued ranting. The young Lieutenant was cradling a snoozing Mari in her arms and she gently covered her ears.
"The idiot's just babbling as usual! Did you really think that Shinji would actually have something important to say!?"
Shinji himself looked both hurt and stunned by Asuka's outburst and he quickly looked away when she whirled to face him. "All right, Third Child, let's hear what you have to say since it's just so insightful!"
"Asuka, I think you're overreacting…" Misato said carefully.
"He didn't do anything," Maya added uneasily.
The redhead ignored her. She leaned in angrily and planting her hands on her hips she glared expectantly at Shinji. "Well?"
"A… Asuka, it was nothing… really!" Shinji stammered, unsure of how to handle this awkward moment.
"Oh, really?" Asuka said sarcastically. "Well, since you've changed your mind, why don't you go and get me something to eat from those grunts over the hill there?"
Shinji didn't move, but sat frozen like a deer in a car's headlights.
"I'm waiting," Asuka snarled.
Finally, Shinji sighed heavily and slowly rose to his feet. "Do you want anything, Misato?" he asked tiredly. His guardian kindly shook her head. Maya did the same, and so did Touji, though he was, of course, a little more reluctant. Mari was still dozing.
Shinji slumped off in the direction of the UN provisions tent. "God, he is so pathetic when he's weak," sneered Asuka disgustedly at his retreating back as she spun around and plopped back down in her seat.
There was silence for a moment. Asuka sullenly picked up a burning stick and began poking the fire with narrowed eyes, waiting for Misato to sort out her 'chewing out' routine.
"You know what your problem is?" To Asuka's almighty surprise, it was Suzahara who was addressing her, gazing at her with cold eyes. Sneaking a peek sideways showed Asuka that Misato was sitting with her head bowed sadly. She returned her disdainful expression back to the jock across from her.
"This should be good, coming from you," the angry redhead scoffed. Touji pointedly ignored the insult.
"You're so full of yourself that you don't even know how to be decent, do you? You're just a twisted snake."
Asuka's mouth fell open. "How dare you, you…"
"Shut up," Suzahara roared with such force that Asuka did so, if only out of surprise. Mari was used to her brother and barely even stirred.
"You'd rather just tell someone how useless they are than ask them what's wrong, wouldn't you?" Touji said in a disgusted voice, shaking his head. He glared at her a moment longer before turning away.
"Okay, so you don't care about him," he commented angrily. "Well, good. I'd say that's best for him. But there are easier ways to tell him. Geez, you really are a monster."
Asuka was stunned at the tall boy's accusations.
Confusion poured into the well of her mind like water, a mixture of conflicting emotions that struggled for dominance beneath the turbulent waves of her thoughts. Anger, shame, arrogance, regret, frustration, sadness all fought for her attention.
She opened and shut her mouth a few times, glanced sideways to Misato and Maya for support, but one look told her that she would not be getting it. Neither of them had said anything, but they sat rigidly still and refused to look her in the eye.
Standing there like a statue beside the campfire, Asuka felt her shoulders sag and her arms go limp.
How could she? How could she just get up in front of everyone and go to Shinji as if she cared? How could she surrender her pride, the one thing that had kept her alive for so long, that she had just rediscovered to keep her going? Would she just throw it away again?
"He… he knows… that I…" she bit out hesitantly.
"Whatever," Touji interrupted irritably, with complete disinterest evident in his voice. He wasn't even paying attention to her.
"He… he knows…" she repeated to herself in a whisper, but felt a pang of sadness, guilt and regret within her. Over the last few days… she and Shinji had… found so much. As much as she hated admitting it… Asuka did not want to lose it again.
* * *
Touji, Maya and Misato watched Asuka's back retreating into the growing darkness. She had left without a word, but with a face that matched the colour of her hair and plugsuit.
"Nice work, Mr Suzahara," Maya smiled at him.
"Yeah, way to go!" Misato giggled. "I can't believe you actually got her to go! Although I don't know about the 'twisted snake' thing… or calling her a monster." Misato burst out laughing and hung her arm around the former Fourth Child's neck. Even Maya giggled.
"Uh… yeah." Touji was suddenly and acutely aware that he was in the presence of two very pretty ladies and flushed a deep red. Don't say anything, don't do anything, you'll look like a dick… think of Hikari, think of Hikari, think of Hikari…
* * *
Shinji was standing dejectedly in the long line outside the UN provisions tent. Up ahead, two people got into a brawl and began rolling around on the ground. The person in front of him was fat and very smelly and the person behind him was carrying a screaming baby.
Sighing heavily, he shut his eyes and called up his mother's words, words that had helped him survive the madness that was Instrumentality and what followed.
After all, you are alive, and so you will always have the chance to be happy.
"I won't doubt you, Mother," Shinji murmured to himself, drawing strength from her as he always did. "I won't."
Suddenly, Shinji found himself being gently tugged out of line and away from the unwashed masses. Turning in surprise, he saw that it was Asuka standing before him, her face drained of anger and now wearing a mask of determination.
She took a deep breath, faced him fully and planted both hands on his shoulders. "I'm sorry, all right?" she said firmly, watching him with a steely gaze. "I was… wrong."
"Um… sure," Shinji said after an uncomfortable moment of silence. "Forget it, Asuka. It's all right."
She nodded, but neither of them smiled. Asuka released his shoulders.
"I didn't get your… um…" he began, half turning to indicate the UN tent.
"Forget it," Asuka said shortly.
Another silence.
Asuka's eyes went softer. An ashamed expression came over her face, her arms went limp and she bowed her head. "I'm really sorry, Shinji," she said quietly.
"It… doesn't matter, Asuka," he said gently, offering her a meek smile. "Really. Why were you so angry?"
All the girl could do was shrug helplessly. She slowly turned and paced a few steps away before flopping down on a grassy embankment, the remnants of a small curbside park. Shinji cautiously hurried alongside her and followed her example, slowly lowering himself to the ground beside her where he cast her a sidelong glance, waiting for her to continue.
Asuka let out a short, bitter laugh. "I've lost count of the number of times I've said sorry over the last few days."
"It wasn't… that many," Shinji offered, trying to be reassuring, then realising how that sounded. He mentally kicked himself. "Asuka… what's bothering you?"
"I don't know," she said flatly, turning away.
"I know that I'm no good at helping," Shinji continued in a pleading voice. "But… maybe it would help you if you… talked to me…"
"I can't."
"Asuka, I… I want to help you!"
"You don't have to worry about me," she muttered in a dull voice, pulling her knees up to her chest.
Shinji was fully turned towards her now, waiting for her to raise her head and look at him. "Asuka! Just… just open up to me! Please!" he pleaded as his voice rose. "Why won't you just talk to me!? I'll listen to you! I'll listen to anything you want to say! Just say something! Just tell me what's wrong!"
"I don't know!" Asuka yelled, visibly upset as she jerked her head up to stare into his miserable face. "I don't know, Ikari! I just… I don't feel as though…"
"Please… it's all right, Asuka. I… I want to… help."
"Don't give me your pity, Shinji," Asuka whispered bitterly.
"I wasn't!" he almost screamed in frustration, balling his fists. "I want to do something because… because I… care about you!"
She turned her head away, and he slumped. "You said… you said you cared," he bit out accusingly.
When Asuka Langley Sohryu turned to him again, he did not recognise her. Her eyes were a brilliant azure blue, the colour of sadness and tears, and all she could do was gaze at him miserably, as if all the fight had been drained out of her.
"I do care," she whispered so quietly he could barely hear her.
"Then what -"
"I'm confused!" she yelled at him suddenly in a shaking voice cracked by conflicting emotions. "All right? I'm confused. I've been alone for my whole life, Ikari, my whole life!" She threw up her hands in frustration and cried, "And now I've been forced to understand that I don't want to be, okay? My only defense has been taken away, and… I don't know what is underneath! What can I do? What can I possibly do about that?"
"Why, Asuka?" Shinji yelled miserably, furiously wiping away the moisture at the corners of his eyes. "Why do you do this to yourself?"
"Oh, shut up!" she screamed at him as her eyes flared angrily, but even in that split second Shinji bore witness to the bottled up emotions within the temperamental girl. She suddenly grabbed him roughly by the lapels and stared into his sad face. "I don't understand anything, all right?" she hissed, and though she tried to force anger into her voice, it had none of its usual edge. Bowing her head, she gave in. "I don't know if I should even be doing this."
Shinji blinked, not comprehending, and she drew back with a sigh, releasing him.
"We're different, Shinji. We're polar opposites. You're a spineless wimp and I'm an arrogant bitch."
Swallowing, Shinji recalled the terrible vision that had been visited upon him in Instrumentality, of Asuka and himself in Misato's kitchen, and the shattering rejection she had thrown at him.
I want to help you Asuka, I want to be with you.
Liar.
Unconsciously, the Third Child clenched and unclenched his hands as he tried to work up the courage to speak. "Don't… don't you want this, Asuka?" he whispered, terrified of the answer.
Asuka took a long while to respond, didn't budge an inch the whole time, didn't say a word, didn't meet his fearful eyes. Until, finally…
"I… I don't want to be alone any more," she choked out. "But… but I don't… know how…"
Miserably, she looked across to see to see silent tears rolling down Shinji's face. He didn't say a word but found that he could not take his gaze away from her. He opened his trembling lips and said, "I'm like you… I… a-all I know is how… to be alone, Asuka… b-but I do know… that we have… to change. If we want… if we want to be anything."
"I don't know how to change, Shinji," Asuka whispered, gazing at him.
To her astonishment, a sad smile came over his features, and tentatively, he reached over to lightly touch her bare right arm with the tips of his fingers. "Me neither, Asuka… But… but we can find out together, can't we? I mean, if you want."
They stared at each other, a stream of images rushing through their minds as their feelings and emotions swirled within them. Memories and thoughts intermingled and stormed to the fore as they remembered and recalled everything that had come between them, made them understand, forced them apart and drawn them together…
Thoughts of his silence…
Of her arrogance…
Of his weakness…
Of her hatred…
Of his cowardice…
Of her shame…
Of his depression…
Of her rage…
Of his submissiveness…
Of her contempt…
Of the fear that they both shared…
And finally…
Of what they really thought.
Shinji Ikari and Asuka Langley Sohryu blinked, both of them filled with a strange sense of calm and peace. "Together…?" Asuka repeated silently to herself. Then, she spoke out loud, "Can I ask you something first, Shinji?"
He nodded. His eyes had dried.
She hesitated for a moment. "Why me? What… do you see? What could you see?"
He, too, paused a moment before replying. "I see… you, Asuka. Just you. I… know who you really are."
"Then… why?"
Shinji raised his eyes to the darkening sky, the last rays of the sun peeping over the horizon, bathing the whole area in a ruddy red light. "Partly because I remember what… my mother said. But mostly… I just…" he looked down and glanced into her eyes for the briefest of seconds before lowering his gaze to the ground. "I… need you, Asuka." He said it honestly, with no stutter, no twitching in his hand, as if he were finally just sick and tired of running away.
A simple admittance of the truth.
She pondered this for a moment, when Misato's words from earlier popped into her head.
Let's move forwards, Asuka. You, me and Shinji… we'll all move forwards together.
A tiny smirk tugged at the corners of her mouth and she clambered to her feet, Shinji's quizzical eyes following her movements. "Yes," she said simply as she reached down with her hand. After a moment of considering her answer, he grasped it and they stood inches apart, the red glow of the sun behind them.
For once, they were able to look at each other without guilt, anger, regret or pain. Suddenly, Asuka smiled radiantly, the kind of smile that had not appeared on her face since she was a little child, and she laughed freely in the way that Shinji had come to adore over the last few days.
"Together then, Ikari."
He smiled, relieved, and nodded.
"But let's not try and change too much," she added.
She moved in, then, and placed her arms around his neck, resting her head on his shoulder. If Shinji stiffened at her touch at first, he quickly relaxed into it and placed his hands around her slim waist, turning his head in the same direction as hers. Together they watched the remnants of the sunset, arms around one another, holding one another gently, unwilling to let go, neither of them alone any more.
They stayed like that for a long time.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: 23 pages. Long live all Shinji and Asuka romance fics. I would have liked to put in an entry to all these WAFF-a-thons and Christmas fic contests put up by Ryoma I keep reading about, but I don't know how to get the details. If someone could tell me about 'em, I'd be really grateful. Now, I feel I have to say something. I love Rei, just as much as I love Shinji and Asuka. I would have loved to write about her, but she was just such a tragic character that it would have been OOC to bring her back, I think. After all, all she ever wanted was a 'return to the nothingness'. In Instrumentality, Rei would finally be happy. And she deserves that, right? So, as much as it pains me to say it, she won't be back, because she wouldn't want to come back. Hmm. Well, I hope to see your reviews and Rei criticisms, and apart from that, well, I'll see you later…
