Standing Outside the Fire
By, Miotis Kain
We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turned
I finish reading the report, and turn off the screen; its contents did little to improve my mood. I keep my back turned, even as I address the subject of my scorn. "I had thought your inadequacies proven three years ago. So tell me: when you are so obviously incapable of competing with his power, why do you insist on fighting the Contact? Do you still cling to the delusion that you may one day be able to defeat him? Or perhaps you revel in repeated humiliation? Come, Ramsus. Tell me the reason why you stayed to be whipped like a dog, instead of calling a retreat in order to conserve Solaris's valuable military resources.'
A sharp intake of breath from behind me. I can almost feel the hatred burning in his eyes. "If Miang hadn't carried me off¼"
"If Miang hadn't carried you off," I interrupt, "then you would have gotten her killed along with yourself. It was difficult enough to repair the damage done during your first encounter with him. I doubt I can find the patience or the time to do it again." I let out a conservative sigh, a rare show of emotion that I spare for Kahran alone. "Frankly, I'm beginning to regret doing it in the first place." I absently wave a hand over my shoulder. "Go. Go back to your mission. And take the Elements with you. If you can't get the job done, then maybe they can."
I listen for the hydraulic hiss of the door, signaling to me that he has gone. Only then do I allow myself to acknowledge my true thoughts.
We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always comes with getting burned
But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
I stand behind his chair, and wait in silence as he reads my report. I know what's coming. The same thing that happens every time.
"I had thought your inadequacies proven three years ago. So tell me: when you are so obviously incapable of competing with his power, why do you insist on fighting the Contact? Do you still cling to the delusion that you may one day be able to defeat him? Or perhaps you revel in repeated humiliation? Come, Ramsus. Tell me the reason why you stayed to be whipped like a dog, instead of calling a retreat in order to conserve Solaris's valuable military resources."
I nearly say something I would regret. But I catch myself, and the words that were going to follow my hiss of indrawn breath die on my lips. How I hate fencing words with Krelian! He always manages to disarm me.
Well, I had best say something. "If Miang hadn't carried me off..."
"If Miang hadn't carried you off, then you would have gotten her killed along with yourself. It was difficult enough to repair the damage done during your first encounter with him. I doubt I can find the patience or the time to do it again."
I don't even get to finish my sentences. That's nothing new. I hear him sigh in that way that lets me know the level of his exasperation. Given his regular lack of emotion, the sound is nothing less than a slap in the face.
"Frankly, I'm beginning to regret doing it in the first place." And now he simply waves me off, as though I were some pestering insect and not the general of his military forces! "Go. Go back to your mission. And take the Elements with you. If you can't get the job done, then maybe they can."
I wait only a moment before leaving. No one else is in the hall; there rarely is, as Krelian only allows himself to be disturbed from his work when he wishes to be. So, I lean against the wall, and try to cope with the thoughts and emotions that plague me each time I meet with him.
We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall
Why do I always act that way? Why do I always say such things to him? True, he can't compete with the Contact's power, but I'm his creator. It was my mistake. My failure, not his. So, why do I always say the blame is his?
Is my reprimanding him simply me denying my own shortcomings? Am I only running away from my obligations? ... Was I running when I decided not to keep Kahran with me?
No. It's best that he grew up without me. I would have made too many mistakes, I'm sure. And that would only have created more problems for him. I know nothing of family, having never had one of my own. What do I know of raising a child? What do I know of paternal devotion? I would have been completely lost.
I can only imagine what life would have been like had I not repudiated him, had I not allowed him to grow outside my immediate influence.
Ah, but that's an evasion as well. I'm simply trying to justify my decision to ward off any guilt. But it's still there. Yes, there is a part of me – buried deep inside – that wishes I had kept Ramsus with me, and raised him as my own; there is still a part of me that says letting him go may have been my greatest mistake of all. And there's no way I can run from that.
We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all
They're so hell bent on giving, walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire
Why did I fight, you asked?
Why do I do anything? Why did I steal another man's identity so that I could get into Jugend? Why did I work so hard to become the best? Why did I have so many ambitions? Why, Krelian?
Because if I could only show you that I wasn't a failure – that I wasn't worthless – then maybe you would accept me. Then maybe you would acknowledge me. Then just maybe you would take me back...
... I don't understand. Why should he matter to me?
He abandoned me! He created me, and then he threw me away! I was nothing more than a moment's fancy for him. A toy to be discarded when something better came along.
So, why then do I care what he thinks? Why am I striving so hard to gain his approval? Why is it every time I see him, my first impulse is to run away?
I know why.
He's my creator. My father. Without him, I'm missing a piece of myself. Without him, I have nowhere to run to.
There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide standing outside the fire
Is this all that's left for me?
I can't be the father he deserves...
I can't be the son he deserves...
...so I'll be the commander he despises?
...so I'll be the soldier he despises?
In truth, it's all I deserve.
Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire
~Garth Brooks
Standing Outside the Fire
