For My Loved Ones by Spelljammer
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1 "Full of Grace" belongs to Sarah McLachlan
CHAPTER 7: Trust
If all of the strength and all of the courage come and lift me from this place
I know I can love you much better than this... Full of Grace
I know I can I love much better than this...it's better this way.
"Full of Grace" Sarah McLachlan
It was more than a worst nightmare. Nightmares you could wake up from. Cedric Diggory standing in the hallway at Privet Drive still beautiful and innocent looking never gave the people in the house such a visceral reaction when he was alive. It was the eidolon in Cedric's face. More than his face, it had his voice and memory. Harry fell off the bed and shrunk into the corner. Harry never felt so powerless. Not since he saw the beloved Hufflepuff die. He was beginning to hyperventilate and the others weren't faring any better. Ron, Hermione and Ginny were stark terrified of the eidolon's latest form. Remus' soul began to hurt. He remembered working with Cedric and guiding him with some advanced magicks. Cedric said he truly enjoyed working with Remus at Hogwarts. It really hurt when Remus learned of his death. Sirius gave Remus the story of the third task when they were in bed to elaborate on the news given to him. Arthur and Molly looked absolutely miserable. And Sirius was ready to end this once and for all. He decided to treat the eidolon like a sentient being.
"All right what the hell do you want?" Sirius growled knowing full well it wasn't really Cedric.
"Why do you ask?" was the eidolon's response. As Cedric he looked impassive.
"Do you like terrorizing young boys or is this just a fucked up prank to you?" Sirius said with palpable malice in his voice.
"Ask him, the scarred one." Cedric just said plainly. Harry started to whimper; he curled up and looked excruciatingly miserable.
"Well I can't right now so I decided to ask you. You know about him, hell you are him in a twisted way. Why are you here, why now?" Sirius had a very stern voice.
"This form was the trigger. I coalesced inside his soul when he was last with this form. I was created when all of the shades and forms bursted forth." Cedric explained.
"Priori Incantateum." Remus stated flatly.
"The scarred one couldn't accept an innocent had died for no reason other than simply being with him. As he carried the body he thought of all the things this form wouldn't be able to experience with him. The scarred one loves too easily and fast." Cedric said with noticeable disgust. "He wanted to keep him. He thought if he forgot about this form he truly would be a worthless person. He closed his heart to everyone and only pretended to get better." Cedric then transformed into Vernon Dursley which Arthur, Ron, Sirius, and Remus recognized. Arthur and Ron from the summer before fourth year, Sirius and Remus simply guessed from that last summer with Lily and James. Hermione remembered him, briefly from the train platform. The eidolon continued. "He hates this form, the one who hurts him. The one who hates him back with pure malice. This form hated the scarred one ever since he was found on the doorstep of this very house, wanted to drown him in the river." Sirius had blistering foul words running in his head and was even starting to plan Vernon's demise as the eidolon kept speaking. "Only the will of the elder kept these two together."
"Dumbledore?" asked Arthur.
"Yes. The scarred one resents the elder for many things, even for keeping him alive sometimes." Vernon said in the same impassive non-judgmental voice Cedric used. Harry now had his eyes shut and hands on his ears. He looked totally devoid of life. Everyone in the room was shocked by this confession. Everyone except Sirius.
"That makes two of us." Sirius said quietly. Remus heard though. Sirius then spoke louder. "This doesn't answer why you're here and why you won't leave though." Vernon then transformed into Harry at eleven years old with a large bruise on the side of head. Sirius gasped and was going to touch him when his hand went through this version of Harry. The eidolon in Harry's form then gently put both of his hands around Sirius hand. He felt the warm energy of Harry's soul slightly course through him. The eidolon in Harry's guise spoke gently with great feeling to Sirius. "The scarred one lived in misery after the murder. In order to survive he shoved everything away; fears, hopes, dreams, faith, anger, love. All those feelings were put aside and are what created me. When the scarred one felt true happiness once more I was shoved outside the mind."
"True happiness...aw, shit." Sirius then realized how this happened. As an emotional response Harry repressed most of his feelings after the triwizarding tournament. Those feelings created the eidolon inside Harry's soul. When Harry had his vision of he and Remus at the cabin Harry's mind and soul filled with pure bliss shoving the eidolon outside his mind and into the house. This was how it got past the protection wards embedded in the house. In order to live it fed off the negative memories of the people living there. Now the question was how to get rid of it.
"How do we get you to leave this place? Do you even want to leave?" Sirius asked gently.
"Yes. I want to rest. With the scarred one's permission I could attempt to leave on my own." Hermione wondered at this statement. An eidolon traditionally could be summoned and dismissed in the same way a patronus could, but this being that looked like Harry seemed to have a will of its own. Only Harry could dismiss it but he was in no condition to perform magic. Everyone looked at Harry.
"How?" was his only response, desperately wanting to get this day to end.
"I can only be dissolved by releasing the shadows in your heart. Since you are wavering I could do it for you. You merely have to watch." "Harry" said to himself. Harry thought it was unnatural and strange that the eidolon looked like him now after changing from Cedric and Vernon. "You tried to banish me with Riddikulus but as long as the shadows in your heart exist I will still be active. I will still only exist as negative thought."
"Sounds painful." Ron said to the eidolon.
"No violence would occur since I'm not of flesh." The eidolon replied simply.
Releasing the innermost feelings is always a painful process Remus thought.
"Do it." Harry said bitterly. The eidolon then transformed into an exact replica of Harry in the house at age fourteen while the true Harry braced himself...
"WHERE WERE YOU PEOPLE WHEN I NEEDED YOU!!" the eidolon roared. As Harry the eidolon had a chilling amount of rage in his voice.
"W..What do you mean?" Molly said a little startled.
"Every time I face him I'm always alone." "Harry" replied coldly. Him being Voldemort, of course. Sirius flinched.
"Harry, it was very hard but you survived him." Remus replied.
"I was there for all of you. I loved all of you. YET I WAS STILL ALONE!" The expression on the duplicate Harry was very severe. "I alone have to face him. I alone have to overcome him. Everyone wants me to destroy him. I WANT him destroyed." At this point the true Harry got his invisibility cloak and started to hide in plain sight on the bed. "Look, I can't even stand to be looked at. You know, I should have just disregarded what Hagrid told me about the Slytherin house and just let the hat sort me there." The duplicate Harry flashed a sardonic smile. This was a disquieting revelation. Ron then spoke up.
"Harry, that's the coward's house! The hat put you in Gryffindor because you're strong enough to face your problems."
"It's that bloody nobility that gets me into nearly all my problems! My oh-so-noble heart that made me endure fourteen years of abuse, multiple attempts on my life and letting my parent's traitor run free. If I were from Slytherin stock I would never have put up with such crap from other people. I would have definitely found a way to get my pathetic excuse of an uncle sent to the stocks and pillory and maybe even horse-whipped to boot a long time ago." The words from the eidolon's mouth spewed like molten lava and seemed to hurt just as much.
"So why didn't you?" said Harry's tiny invisible voice from the bed. "Why don't you hurt other people?" he asked almost afraid to know the truth.
The eidolon version of Harry had a blistering mirthless smile on his face. Its emerald eyes faded.
"My life belongs to someone else." It said. This made the real Harry uncloak, reappearing on the bed.
"Who?" asked Sirius even though he had a very good idea who it was.
"Mother." It spat out. The real Harry still looked quite pale although he had a glimmer of understanding. "Everything I do is for her sake. Everything I do is to fulfill the hopes she invested into me when she sacrificed her life for my sake." The rage in its voice was gone. "That precious gift...it's blasphemy against magic itself to live my life in any manner less than what would make her happy." The eidolon Harry had a very pained expression on his face. Sirius then sat down on the bed beside the real Harry. All this was making everyone in the small bedroom uncomfortable. It felt like a session of voyeurism starring Harry Potter. Sirius spoke in a soothing and very intimate voice in the true Harry's ear as he sat down on the bed beside him.
"Harry, poppet, your mother gave her life for you so you could have a world of your own, a future to be lived." Sirius was gently stroking the back of the head of the true Harry's head.
"Her gift backfired." The true Harry spoke in the same intimate tone. "She and Dumbledore wanted me to have a normal life. Instead I might forever be connected to Voldemort instead of separated. Dumbledore dumped me with the Dursleys so I could have a normal life away from the Boy Who Lived, I see that now. But I'm NOT normal. Not with muggles, not with wizards, not even among..." The true Harry stopped as the words were choking in his throat.
"Harry, love just let it go." Sirius said almost breaking with heartache. The eidolon sat down on the other side of Sirius on the bed.
"Not even among the people that care the most about me." It said plainly. At this point the true Harry started to form tears and Sirius pulled him into an embrace. The true Harry head was cradled on Sirius lap. The eidolon then spoke telepathically to Sirius so no else could hear. It was Harry's true feelings.
The Weasleys want me in their pack, Ron resents my status. I'm never been more loved around them yet I feel so utterly—
"Apart"
I feel like a piece that doesn't fit in their world.
I started to feel this way about you poppet...
I love you desperately, how could you?
You only met me a short time ago.
I feel like it's just the connection to James that keeps you near...
I love you because of you, because you're strong and funny and I NEED YOU.
Dumbledore asks too much of you...
I love you because I can actually rest around you
Our freakin' WORLD asks too much of you...
"And I want to get better for you."
Both Harry and the eidolon spoke this out loud in unison. This made everyone including Sirius jump. Everyone else had a half of a minute of complete silence while the conversation inside of Sirius' head. More silence followed since Sirius responded back. The true Harry followed this conversation too. His thoughts and feelings were slowly separating from the eidolon.
Get better?
Something's wrong with me. If so many people hate me. Pure hatred.
No, Harry it's just...
We're broken.
Maybe
You just got out of prison, you were alone and tortured for so many years.
I was shoved around by my uncle...
Should have been there...
You're here now.
IT'S ALMOST TIME FOR ME TO GO.
Back into Harry's mind?
YES.
Snuffles...
Yes, Harry.
You make me feel normal.
This last statement in Sirius' mind was stated in unison by both Harry and the eidolon. The eidolon stood up and then gave Sirius a warm smile and in a bright flash of warm white light vanished. However as he faded he gave Sirius one last message.
SAVE US, PLEASE
Desperate feelings and raw emotion was what crafted the creature. It returned back to the recesses of Harry's mind. Sirius just cradled Harry in his arms in his lap. No life or death struggle defeated the creature that was merely an aspect of Harry's personality. It took on many forms, bad memories and negative emotions but it took only Sirius' concern to reach Harry. Only Sirius Black could have such nerve to reason with the creature instead of merely fearing it especially when it looked like Cedric. Overcoming a shapeshifting apparition, chalk another successful adventure for the home team. The emerald eyes were releasing a cascade of bitter tears on Sirius lap.
"We should go home now." Molly said quietly. "You can stay with us if you like Hermione, dear."
"Thank you." She said. Like after the murder of Cedric, Harry's loved ones were totally at a loss on how to handle him, save Sirius. One good thought emerged to Arthur as Remus directed everyone out of the room. He doesn't have to pretend to be a dog this time. The house was in a dead calm as they left the shattered Boy Who Lived with his godfather.
They remarkably only visited for an hour and half. The guests got their coats and items and quietly filed out.
"Tell us when he recovers." Arthur told Remus. He simply nodded. After the guests left, the house was now deathly still. The sound of rain outside was comforting. Remus noticed the teapot on the stove. He got it off the stove and noticed it was pretty much evaporated. Not unlike his feelings at the moment. His increased senses heard the rain outside very well. He heard the faucet in the bathroom dripping. And Harry's painful crying. They never did get to address what to do about the full moon, the original reason for the meeting. Remus just figured he'd request some Wolfsbane from Severus Snape. Remus sat down on the couch deciding to let Sirius take care of Harry, to heal him, just like he healed him when his dark secret was laid bare.
Twenty minutes passed. Harry was still crying.
As long as you can still trust, and still love, Harry, you can heal. It will hurt like silver though. Remus thought as he started to read a book.
Sirius stayed with Harry all night.