Live
I sit and stare…
It's funny…how when you're just trying to get over something big, so huge that it blows your mind away…it sometimes feels as if you're floating away, but your not. You're not really moving at all.
I'm rambling…I know.
I'm trying to think of anything but the huge gaping hole.
Not just the one where the Sunnydale used to be…the one in my heart.
I was finally able to give my love, to share my feelings for Spike…with him…and…
It was too late.
He understood though.
And he believed me.
I know that now.
I also know why he told me that I didn't love him.
He knew there was no time…and I would have argued with him & tried to make him come with me…or stayed and died with him.
Stupid…stubborn vampire...
My vampire.
My Spike.
He saved me.
And not just me…
He saved us all.
I hear the others behind me talking…but I really can't be bothered to answer.
I'm only half listening anyway.
I keep looking at the hole where our town used to be.
The Sunnydale sign fell over not long after I got down from the roof of the bus.
Typical Spike.
Always had to knock that sign down.
I'd laugh at it, but I don't think I remember how.
I miss him so much…and he hasn't been gone but a few minutes.
I'm still looking at the hole.
He could still
climb out, couldn't he?
If I wait long enough…he'll find a way out. Right?
He'll find a way back to me.
I know…I'm grasping at straws.
But it's how I feel.
I want him here.
How will I get by without him?
His gorgeous face…
Those beautifully intense blue eyes…
That sexy smile…
And…as he once told me…his hot, tight bod...
The way he made me feel safe, comforted, & loved…even when I didn't want it from him.
The way he challenged me…and didn't always let me get my way.
The annoying way he called my bluffs.
The amazing way he read deep into my very soul.
And the way he made me feel…not just like a slayer…but a girl…who is a slayer.
I'm fighting back my tears now.
I can't cry in front of them.
They wouldn't understand and I really don't care to make them.
I told him I didn't want to be the one…
But it wasn't that.
It wasn't that I didn't want to be…it was…I was scared to be.
I keep thinking that if I had told him, of my love, earlier…we could have had more time.
Together.
I let him in.…
And we were close…for about three days.
Felt like forever…and like only seconds at the same time.
I thought I just saw something move…but it was just a rock.
Damn.
Willow just said something…I turned her way, but I can't really make out the words…so I turned back to look at what used to be my town.
That's so weird how that works. I'll be able to recall perfectly what she said later…just not now.
I think I'm close to breaking
I want to just fall to my knees and cry.
Cry for the lives lost.
Cry for the ones saved.
Cry for the vampire that saved the world.
Before I do…though…
I hear his voice.
How can I hear him? He's no longer here.
I must be loosing my mind…can't say I'm shocked.
But then I realize.
It's a memory.
A memory of one of the other times he saved me.
He saved me so many times I realize. Later…I'll take the time to list and write them down.
His voice…I can hear it so clearly. It's like he's right here…before me.
With me…like he's supposed to be.
Spike's voice is singing to me. And what it sings is:
Life's not a song
Life isn't bliss
Life is just this…
It's living
You'll get along
The pain that you feel
You only can heal
By living
You have to go on
Living
So one of us is
Living
Living…for both of us.
I get it Spike.
I hear Dawn ask me what we're gonna do now.
I can't answer in words…I don't have any for what I feel.
I start to smile…because I remember how.
I'm gonna live.
Because he died for me…
The vampire I loved…he never left me…and he died for my family, my friends & me.
So…I'm gonna live.
For him.