It was a bright and sunny day when Captain Kathryn Janeway strolled out of
her ready room aboard the starship Voyager and onto the bridge. How
exactly was it bright and sunny while they were floating in the middle of
space? Well, Captain Janeway wanted it to be bright and sunny and so it
was. Simple as that, end of discussion. Anyway, she strolled out of her
ready room at eight hundred hours and onto the bridge. She looked over to
her left at a crewman who had previously gone unnoticed: Crewman Quincy
James. The captain took another sip of her sixth coffee of the day since
she had awaked at six hundred hours and walked toward Quincy.
"Why hello there, crewman," the captain said woozily.
"Good morning, captain," replied Quincy. "Does the day find you well?"
"Aha! The day finds me just fantastic! I hid so well I'm surprised it found me at all!" said the captain drinking some more coffee.
"Err, permission to speak freely captain?" he asked.
"Permission? Permission! Yes, of course!" the captain replied.
"No offense, but are you drunk?" Quincy questioned.
"Hey now," the captain began, "just because I Irished up my coffee today and I'm on my sixth cup does not mean that I'm."
Before finishing her sentence, Captain Janeway fell backward. She had almost caught herself, but then she didn't, and she fell flat on her butt.
"Ha ha ha.I fell down," said Captain Janeway. "Oh, I spilled my coffee."
It was then that commander Chakotay came over to see what the ruckus was about. He looked down at the captain, placed his hand over his eyes, and mumbled something that sounded remotely like "Not again."
"Come on Kathryn," he said as he lifted her to her feet. "Let's go to sickbay and see the doctor."
"You can't tell me what to do! I'm the captain!" the captain replied drunkenly. "Oh, I see what's going on now.You're hoping to get lucky today! Well, Come on! I'll ride you like an earthworm!"
"No, captain, that's not what I meant," Chakotay said and then paused suspiciously as if thinking of some long, unfulfilled fantasy. "And don't you mean pony, not earthworm?"
"No!" said the captain indignantly. "I meant earthworm. You know? They walk around on four legs and have hooves? They say "neigh"?"
"Sure, cap, an earthworm."
"Hey you know what's weird?" The captain continued. "You only have one name. Is it your first or your last? I really don't know. I think it should be your last, because then your first name should be Bob. You look like a Bob."
They casually continued their way to sickbay. Upon entering the doors, it was eerily quiet. There was no bizarre opera music, no acting out fantasies of the local drone, seven of nine, not even any pointless beeping of useless control panels. Immediately they knew what was wrong.
"Computer, activate EMH."
The doctor appeared in the middle of the room.
"Figaro, Figaro, Figaro," the doctor sang horribly out of tune before noticing the two officers standing in the doorway. "I mean, please state the nature of the medical emergency."
"Captain had one too many Irish coffees again, Doc," said Chakotay.
The doctor took a seemingly and actually useless instrument and ran it over the captain body.
"Oh, look, it's beeping. Ha ha ha!" said the captain.
"According to these readings, and, ugh, the captain's breath, it seems more like she's had four too many Irish coffees," the doctor said pointing out what was obvious to everyone else. He took another instrument and injected something into her neck.
"It's my special drunkenness formula," said the doctor as if he had something to be proud of.
"What's it composed of?" asked Chakotay.
"Lemonade, amino acids, nanoprobes, and rat vomit," replied the doctor. "All patented."
"Hey, whatever works."
Just then the ship shook violently. An announcement came over the PA system: "Voyager is under attack. Red alert. Captain Janeway to the bridge."
"We don't have a PA system," said Chakotay.
"Err, um, never mind," said the PA system as it went offline.
Two seconds later, the very same message came through to the captain's com badge. "On my way," she replied now that she was finally sobered up.
Upon arrival on the bridge, the ship shook once again
"They're trying to contact us," said Crewman James.
"On screen," replied Kathryn.
A visual appeared on screen that was neither pleasing nor possible to look at without throwing up.
"This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the starship Enterprise. I mean Voyager," said the captain practically drowning in her own vomit. "Why are you attacking us?"
"This is captain Squeegee of the ship called.um." the alien, which appeared to be a giant blob of mucus, turned to the alien next to him and whispered something. "Well the name of our vessel isn't important. What is important is that we'll destroy you unless you meet our demands."
"And what would these demands be?" the captain inquired while winking at Chakotay.
"We demand one lemon bunt cake."
"One lemon bunt cake?"
"One lemon bunt cake."
"That's all?"
"Yes," said the alien. "I mean no. We also want sporks to eat it with. Plastic ones. And it must have frosting on it"
"So you want one lemon bunt cake and plastic sporks?"
"Yes, and you have one hour to meet our demands," replied Squeegee.
"Well, too bad because we don't negotiate with terrorists."
"Then why did you ask for our demands?"
"I, um, fire torpedoes!" said the captain.
"Firing torpedoes," replied the voice of someone who wasn't there.
The torpedoes fired at the ship and did absolutely no damage what so ever. Nothing, nada, not even a scratch on the shielding. In fact, the shields absorbed the power from the torpedoes and the ship became stronger.
"Ha ha ha ha, your weapons are useless against us!" Squeegee shouted.
"Aha ha, how awkward," the captain said. "Very well. You shall have your bunt cake." She touched her com badge. "Neelix, prepare a lemon bunt cake with frosting and plastic sporks for our new friends."
"Right away, Sir. I mean Ma'am. Sorry."
"That's okay, common mistake," replied the captain.
Ten minutes later the Bunt cakes and sporks were transported over to the nameless vessel.
"Let them eat cake," said the captain.
With that last comment the amorphous blobs began eating the cake. Suddenly they all began squealing and writhing as if in pain.
"Neelix, did you put poison in that cake?" the captain asked.
"Why, no captain," he replied. "I put it on the sporks."
"You little rascal you! Why I could kiss you!"
Just then the aliens all got up and started laughing.
"Why captain, we love your secret ingredient! It tastes like Ajax!" said Squeegee.
"Um, it is Ajax," replied Neelix confusedly.
"Ajax tastes great to us," continued the alien. "It even makes us stronger."
"Drat," said Captain Janeway drinking a coffee that had materialized out of thin air.
It was then that the captain noticed that both ships were drifting toward a black hole. Slightly dangerous? Yes. And, instead of being a good, responsible captain and high tailing it out of there, she stuck around to see the looks on her enemies' faces while they died and were ripped to shreds by the intense gravity of the black hole. It's kind of hard to believe they didn't notice it until now, considering how enormous it was and all.
And so the captain and her crew had a good laugh while they watch their enemy ship be swallowed by the black hole. It was a horrible death, what with the screaming that could be heard ever without the com link. Unfortunately, in the joy of the moment, Captain Janeway had forgotten that they, too, were very close to the black hole and were slowly being pulled in. Thus, the captain and her crew died the way she and all of us always thought they would: laughing while being pulled limb from limb. The whole universe was a lot better off without them, anyway.
"Why hello there, crewman," the captain said woozily.
"Good morning, captain," replied Quincy. "Does the day find you well?"
"Aha! The day finds me just fantastic! I hid so well I'm surprised it found me at all!" said the captain drinking some more coffee.
"Err, permission to speak freely captain?" he asked.
"Permission? Permission! Yes, of course!" the captain replied.
"No offense, but are you drunk?" Quincy questioned.
"Hey now," the captain began, "just because I Irished up my coffee today and I'm on my sixth cup does not mean that I'm."
Before finishing her sentence, Captain Janeway fell backward. She had almost caught herself, but then she didn't, and she fell flat on her butt.
"Ha ha ha.I fell down," said Captain Janeway. "Oh, I spilled my coffee."
It was then that commander Chakotay came over to see what the ruckus was about. He looked down at the captain, placed his hand over his eyes, and mumbled something that sounded remotely like "Not again."
"Come on Kathryn," he said as he lifted her to her feet. "Let's go to sickbay and see the doctor."
"You can't tell me what to do! I'm the captain!" the captain replied drunkenly. "Oh, I see what's going on now.You're hoping to get lucky today! Well, Come on! I'll ride you like an earthworm!"
"No, captain, that's not what I meant," Chakotay said and then paused suspiciously as if thinking of some long, unfulfilled fantasy. "And don't you mean pony, not earthworm?"
"No!" said the captain indignantly. "I meant earthworm. You know? They walk around on four legs and have hooves? They say "neigh"?"
"Sure, cap, an earthworm."
"Hey you know what's weird?" The captain continued. "You only have one name. Is it your first or your last? I really don't know. I think it should be your last, because then your first name should be Bob. You look like a Bob."
They casually continued their way to sickbay. Upon entering the doors, it was eerily quiet. There was no bizarre opera music, no acting out fantasies of the local drone, seven of nine, not even any pointless beeping of useless control panels. Immediately they knew what was wrong.
"Computer, activate EMH."
The doctor appeared in the middle of the room.
"Figaro, Figaro, Figaro," the doctor sang horribly out of tune before noticing the two officers standing in the doorway. "I mean, please state the nature of the medical emergency."
"Captain had one too many Irish coffees again, Doc," said Chakotay.
The doctor took a seemingly and actually useless instrument and ran it over the captain body.
"Oh, look, it's beeping. Ha ha ha!" said the captain.
"According to these readings, and, ugh, the captain's breath, it seems more like she's had four too many Irish coffees," the doctor said pointing out what was obvious to everyone else. He took another instrument and injected something into her neck.
"It's my special drunkenness formula," said the doctor as if he had something to be proud of.
"What's it composed of?" asked Chakotay.
"Lemonade, amino acids, nanoprobes, and rat vomit," replied the doctor. "All patented."
"Hey, whatever works."
Just then the ship shook violently. An announcement came over the PA system: "Voyager is under attack. Red alert. Captain Janeway to the bridge."
"We don't have a PA system," said Chakotay.
"Err, um, never mind," said the PA system as it went offline.
Two seconds later, the very same message came through to the captain's com badge. "On my way," she replied now that she was finally sobered up.
Upon arrival on the bridge, the ship shook once again
"They're trying to contact us," said Crewman James.
"On screen," replied Kathryn.
A visual appeared on screen that was neither pleasing nor possible to look at without throwing up.
"This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the starship Enterprise. I mean Voyager," said the captain practically drowning in her own vomit. "Why are you attacking us?"
"This is captain Squeegee of the ship called.um." the alien, which appeared to be a giant blob of mucus, turned to the alien next to him and whispered something. "Well the name of our vessel isn't important. What is important is that we'll destroy you unless you meet our demands."
"And what would these demands be?" the captain inquired while winking at Chakotay.
"We demand one lemon bunt cake."
"One lemon bunt cake?"
"One lemon bunt cake."
"That's all?"
"Yes," said the alien. "I mean no. We also want sporks to eat it with. Plastic ones. And it must have frosting on it"
"So you want one lemon bunt cake and plastic sporks?"
"Yes, and you have one hour to meet our demands," replied Squeegee.
"Well, too bad because we don't negotiate with terrorists."
"Then why did you ask for our demands?"
"I, um, fire torpedoes!" said the captain.
"Firing torpedoes," replied the voice of someone who wasn't there.
The torpedoes fired at the ship and did absolutely no damage what so ever. Nothing, nada, not even a scratch on the shielding. In fact, the shields absorbed the power from the torpedoes and the ship became stronger.
"Ha ha ha ha, your weapons are useless against us!" Squeegee shouted.
"Aha ha, how awkward," the captain said. "Very well. You shall have your bunt cake." She touched her com badge. "Neelix, prepare a lemon bunt cake with frosting and plastic sporks for our new friends."
"Right away, Sir. I mean Ma'am. Sorry."
"That's okay, common mistake," replied the captain.
Ten minutes later the Bunt cakes and sporks were transported over to the nameless vessel.
"Let them eat cake," said the captain.
With that last comment the amorphous blobs began eating the cake. Suddenly they all began squealing and writhing as if in pain.
"Neelix, did you put poison in that cake?" the captain asked.
"Why, no captain," he replied. "I put it on the sporks."
"You little rascal you! Why I could kiss you!"
Just then the aliens all got up and started laughing.
"Why captain, we love your secret ingredient! It tastes like Ajax!" said Squeegee.
"Um, it is Ajax," replied Neelix confusedly.
"Ajax tastes great to us," continued the alien. "It even makes us stronger."
"Drat," said Captain Janeway drinking a coffee that had materialized out of thin air.
It was then that the captain noticed that both ships were drifting toward a black hole. Slightly dangerous? Yes. And, instead of being a good, responsible captain and high tailing it out of there, she stuck around to see the looks on her enemies' faces while they died and were ripped to shreds by the intense gravity of the black hole. It's kind of hard to believe they didn't notice it until now, considering how enormous it was and all.
And so the captain and her crew had a good laugh while they watch their enemy ship be swallowed by the black hole. It was a horrible death, what with the screaming that could be heard ever without the com link. Unfortunately, in the joy of the moment, Captain Janeway had forgotten that they, too, were very close to the black hole and were slowly being pulled in. Thus, the captain and her crew died the way she and all of us always thought they would: laughing while being pulled limb from limb. The whole universe was a lot better off without them, anyway.