Easier to Run
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to run
Than facing this pain here all alone . . .
Sirius. You left me. You promised you wouldn't go. I can't think clearly anymore. Because when you left, my world crumbled. The look as you fell, the fear. It's etched in my mind. I won't be able to forget it. I wish I couldn't feel . . . anything. It's too much pain.
You were my Father, in a sense. Not my father by blood, but by love. I loved you, and you loved me. Well . . . look what love gets you. It's Ironic. I'm finally happy. I'm with you, Sirius. And you go and leave me. You disappear. The veil is between us, and I can't get to the other side.
If I could change I would
Take out the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
If I could just go back in time. If I could go back, and not take the stupid bait. If I could've worked harder, and if I wasn't so bloody gullible. Maybe, just maybe, you wouldn't have gone away. You wouldn't have come to get me, come to rescue me from my own stupidity. I take all the blame for it. My Gullible, trusting nature, my idiocy, was what caused all this . . .
Sirius, I don't know If you're listening. I don't know If you can see me, or hear me, or know what I'm saying, but I'm sorry. I never wanted this. None of it. The fame, the death, the stupid scar. I never wanted Mum and Dad to die, never wanted you to fall through that veil, to never come out the other side.
Sometimes I remember
the darkness of my past
bringing back these memories
I wish I didn't have sometimes
I think of letting go
and never looking back
and never moving forward so
there would never be a past
I wish I didn't have to replay it in my mind. But it happens. Over and Over again. Every night, when I sleep, I see it happen, and I can't help but cry, because it was all my fault. I wish I didn't have to sleep. I wish Time could stand still, because with everything that has happened, I don't think I can live anymore. If time never moved, I wouldn't have to deal with anything. But I can't hope for that. It won't happen.
Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
is so much simpler than change
And I watched. I didn't do anything. I didn't try and stop It. I was shocked. If I had done something. I saw you fighting her. I saw you narrowly miss that first one, and then that second blast of light . . . it knocked you back. If I had moved. If I had done something. I felt so helpless, like I couldn't do a thing. And I didn't. So I try to pretend that you'll come back. I watch for you, and I've convinced myself that you'll walk up to me and laugh, because just the absurdity of thinking you were dead was laughable in itself. I keep looking for your alter form, that big, shaggy black dog with the pale eyes. I'm convinced that You'll come barrelling towards me, tackle me, and I could hug you again.
It's Easier to Run
It's a lot easier to try and bottle up these emotions. But at the same time, It's the hardest thing to do. I can't admit to these emotions, because that would admit to your death . . . but you can't be dead. You just can't be dead. You were my father. My Parent. The only one I ever had, because my real mum and dad are dead too. You were my brother. I could talk to you about anything. Whether I wanted to or not, whether I did or not, the comfort of knowing that you would always listen was there. And now...It's hollow. There's space.
You're gone.
I'm alone.
And I don't know what to do anymore . . . don't know If I even want to do anything anymore. If I want to live. Because maybe If I died, I might be with you, and mum and dad. Just Maybe. But I don't know anything. I'm scared beyond belief, and I think . . . It just might be easier to run away from it all.
It's Easier to Run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone.
I'm Alone without you Sirius Black, Trusted friend, brother, confidant, and father.
I'm alone.